Question RE: The Marital Act

[Arbie]

My question may seem odd, however; here goes…

My wife of 18 years makes me “pay” to have relations with her. I do not mean money, I refer to: “If you work out tonight we will do it.” “If you give me a foot rub we will do it.” “If you do me this favor, we will do it” etc.

Is this normal for any one else and is this morally permissible. It almost seems as if I live with a prostitute.

 

[frogman80]

Is she completely serious… would she have relations with you even if you didn’t always do those things?

You should not have to “pay” to have relations with your wife… that would not be normal. However, somethings should be done for her without her having to ask.

I do not know you, but it is generally good to do loving things for a wife without her having to ask… Not for sex… but out of love. Those loving acts tend to butter most women up. Not doing anything for a wife has the opposite effect.

 

[CatholicSam]

Have you told her how this makes you feel? I wonder what she would do if next time she bribes you, you said, “Nah, I was wanting to do it to give myself to you, not just for selfish pleasure. If you want a foot rub, just ask! If you’re not feeling up to it, we can save it for another time.” Maybe she feels that this is the only way she can get a massage from you

 

[mumto5]

Can’t win, can we? We’re asked to tell what we like and when we do, we’re being too demanding.

I know I find it very hard to communicate what I like to my husband. I’ve told him that he’s more likely to get something if he gives me a foot massage - reason being that it is more likely to get me in teh right mood and relaxes me. AFter a busy day with five kids it is hard to be in the mood and my sex drive is not the highest so I figured I was being helpful by communicating this.

I’ve also told my husband that if I am tired and get a rest or if I get some time to myself in the weekend (rare event and it makes me feel like a person rather than just a mother), he is also more likely to get some loving.

Guess I’m no better than a prostitute. Hope my husband doesn’t feel that way. He’s not obliged to give me foot rubs but he will get less as I’ll need to get my relaxation and recovery time at the end of a busy day another way that won’t leave time for any loving.

 

[1ke]

Arbie:

My question may seem odd, however; here goes…

My wife of 18 years makes me “pay” to have relations with her. I do not mean money, I refer to: “If you work out tonight we will do it.” “If you give me a foot rub we will do it.” “If you do me this favor, we will do it” etc.

Is this normal for any one else and is this morally permissible. It almost seems as if I live with a prostitute.

No, this is not normal. You are correct to be concerned about this barter system for sexual intimacy.

However, it could be a very poor attempt on your wife’s part to get affection and love shown in a way that is meaningful to her. If she is not feeling loved, she may resent the physical act-- which for most men is their primary way of receiving affection. It is not always the primary way in which women feel loved.

I suggest the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and also the book His Needs, Her Needs. This may help you figure out how to make your wife feel appreciated, if she is not feeling that way now, and the bartering may stop as a result.

 

[Ahimsa]

Arbie:

My question may seem odd, however; here goes…

My wife of 18 years makes me “pay” to have relations with her. I do not mean money, I refer to: “If you work out tonight we will do it.” “If you give me a foot rub we will do it.” “If you do me this favor, we will do it” etc.

Is this normal for any one else and is this morally permissible. It almost seems as if I live with a prostitute.

Hey, whatever turns her on – I say, do it.

 

[migurl]

This may be a tad off topic but I couldn’t help but think of it. My fiance has a predisposition to over-work himself (his dad is notorious for it) He is very worried that he might someday end up paying too much attention to work and not enough to me. I realize that it is a possibility and told him that if it ever happened I would find some ways of getting his attention…I’ve always thought that teasing a man like THAT would make him forget everything else and come a runnin’ I think that sometimes people want to be playful, a massage is physical contact and that kind of contact can get a woman going (that’s why unmarried couples aren’t supposed to do that kind of stuff when they are alone) I don’t think it is bad that your wife would “barter” stuff as long as she is nice and not like “Oh there is dirt on the floor, you call this clean? No sex for you tonight!” I think it serves as a way to make cleaning the garage or whatever a more worthwhile job. I mean, waht is the difference between my fiance working hard with the motovation that it will pay off (with a wedding and a house) and a husband cleaning the garage thinking " SHe is going to be so happy!!!" I think she is just trying to make it easy for you by telling you instead of making you guess.

 

[Mijoy2]

One thing I never quite understood with respect to this topic. The topic implies the wife is doing the husband a favor. Further implying he receives, she gives.

Is this so in most marriages? I never understood, that “if you do that you sleep on the couch” scenario. Doesn’t both miss out?

Maybe I’ve been lucky.

 

[mumto5]

migurl:

This may be a tad off topic but I couldn’t help but think of it. My fiance has a predisposition to over-work himself (his dad is notorious for it) He is very worried that he might someday end up paying too much attention to work and not enough to me. I realize that it is a possibility and told him that if it ever happened I would find some ways of getting his attention…I’ve always thought that teasing a man like THAT would make him forget everything else and come a runnin’ I think that sometimes people want to be playful, a massage is physical contact and that kind of contact can get a woman going (that’s why unmarried couples aren’t supposed to do that kind of stuff when they are alone) I don’t think it is bad that your wife would “barter” stuff as long as she is nice and not like “Oh there is dirt on the floor, you call this clean? No sex for you tonight!” I think it serves as a way to make cleaning the garage or whatever a more worthwhile job. I mean, waht is the difference between my fiance working hard with the motovation that it will pay off (with a wedding and a house) and a husband cleaning the garage thinking " SHe is going to be so happy!!!" I think she is just trying to make it easy for you by telling you instead of making you guess.

But is she actually bartering or just trying to communicate what she enjoys and arouses her? Men tell us they aren’t mind readers and we need to tell them what we enjoy … and then a wife does and she’s then wrong too? Well, you can see my previous post for my thoughts but when I tell my husband he’s more likely to get ‘it’ if he gives me a relaxing foot rub, I’m giving him guidance about what will relax me and get me in the mood he might want me in - because it benefits him and otherwise, I’m just going to grab a book

 

[mumto5]

Mijoy2:

One thing I never quite understood with respect to this topic. The topic implies the wife is doing the husband a favor. Further implying he receives, she gives.

Is this so in most marriages? I never understood, that “if you do that you sleep on the couch” scenario. Doesn’t both miss out?

Maybe I’ve been lucky.

No, the wife likes to receive too, she might just need a bit of help to get in the mood to want to receive and give - like a foot rub!

 

[surfinpure]

My husband and I have an understanding that both of our needs must be met in order for us to have a happy marriage. Since marital intimacy for us more often falls into the “his needs” category, he understands that it’s fair to have a tradeoff. Sometimes I need a massage, sometimes a night at the movies, whatever. I see nothing wrong with saying, “We both know what we need, and only the other person is able to give it.” This is still about loving and giving.

Even when your wife says, “As long as you work out tonight,” what she’s saying is, “There is something you can do that is important to me.” And she may also be hinting that you’d be even more attractive to her if you exercised that evening.