Question: what would you do?

  • Thread starter Thread starter theresa
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
T

theresa

Guest
I have a daughter who is 17 years old and was born with a physical disability. Walking takes a lot of effort and she tires easily. She has had children ask her why she walks that way, teenagers make fun of her for the way she walks, and now last weekend a member of our church choir said “I thought I saw you the other day but then realized that girl didn’t have a limp like you do.”
How would you feel about this and what would you do about it? My daughter was really mad about it and I don’t blame her. What should I do about this? Advise me, please. I’m too mad to think logically about this.
 
theresa said:
I have a daughter who is 17 years old and was born with a physical disability. Walking takes a lot of effort and she tires easily. She has had children ask her why she walks that way, teenagers make fun of her for the way she walks, and now last weekend a member of our church choir said “I thought I saw you the other day but then realized that girl didn’t have a limp like you do.”
How would you feel about this and what would you do about it? My daughter was really mad about it and I don’t blame her. What should I do about this? Advise me, please. I’m too mad to think logically about this.
Click to expand...
I think different categories of people need different answers.

She probably needs to cut little kids some slack and just give a really brief answer and maybe add, “but people normally don’t like talking about their disabilities with new friends”. But if a kid her own age or an adult says something like the choir kid, she should feel free to say, “That was really rude.”

Hopefully, being able to say “That was really rude” to peers and adults will give her some patience with kids who aren’t big enough to know better.

Good luck!
 
I think a good response would be something along the lines of, “It is personal and it is not for you to be concerned about.”
 
I guess another part of this story is that this rude woman said this in front of other people at a social gathering. She wasn’t just asking a question. She was pointing out how differently my daughter walks. In front of others who all know my daughter really well. Just the fact that this grown woman said something so rude is what I’m struggling with and how I should address it when I see her next time. I was not present when this happened, by the way. I need to pray about it and see what happens. Thanks.
 
theresa said:
I guess another part of this story is that this rude woman said this in front of other people at a social gathering. She wasn’t just asking a question. She was pointing out how differently my daughter walks. In front of others who all know my daughter really well. Just the fact that this grown woman said something so rude is what I’m struggling with and how I should address it when I see her next time. I was not present when this happened, by the way. I need to pray about it and see what happens. Thanks.
Click to expand...
Then the next time you see this person, you could say, “I heard that you said [whatever she said] in front of my daughter at [social event]. I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making any type of comments, etc. about my daughter’s disability.”

I agree that you should pray about it, too.
 
theresa said:
I guess another part of this story is that this rude woman said this in front of other people at a social gathering. She wasn’t just asking a question. She was pointing out how differently my daughter walks. In front of others who all know my daughter really well. Just the fact that this grown woman said something so rude is what I’m struggling with and how I should address it when I see her next time. I was not present when this happened, by the way. I need to pray about it and see what happens. Thanks.
Click to expand...
It seems that your daughter does have a visible limp? Is the woman generally friendly towards your daughter? If so, then it seems she was only mentioning something that everyone already knows, right?

I would say that when children mention her limp, your daughter should react kindly and have a quick answer for questions they might ask: it could be a silly answer (don’t you know that all pirates limp? Now you know I’m a pirate!) or a serious answer (God gives each of us crosses to bear, and this is mine.)

For the teens, maybe something like: Yeah, I limp because my legs don’t work right. But I’m really happy because my mind works right, unlike yours!

As to the rest, yes, your daughter does have a limp. If she accepts that difference about herself, she will avoid a lot of pain. Maybe there is a veteran’s rehab nearby where she could volunteer?

I am not phyisically disabled myself, but I have worked with and known adults with a variety of physical differences, and they tended to be open and often humorous about their difficulties, some of which were of recent origin.
 
Kids are kids and say the obvious often without realising the hurt this can cause. Good parenting is required to point out the value of tact and compassion.
You do not know the context of the comment by the woman. Only that your daughter feels embarrassment and you so rightly rush to her defence.
The woman could have been tactless, spiteful, ignorant, uneducated in polite society or all of these. The answer is to forgive her. It is great to have an enmity that allows you to teach forgiveness in your daughter. You are lucky. Pray for the woman that she is made aware of her social failure. There is no need to point it out to her. She may well have a white enameled name tag which so often signifies Pharisee status within many a parish. That alone should mitigate greatly many social failures in parish women and justifies our immediate compassion. Teach your daughter her self-worth and the ability to use her disability spiritually. But forgiveness is the only answer.
 
I would encourage her to not be mad when children ask due to the fact that they are curious and mean no harm. This could be an opportunity for her to teach them about her disability and how it is not weird or scary, just different.

In regards to teenagers and adults (who are not mentally handicapped), I would encourage her to accept her disability with pride. God made her the way she is. He knew that she was made to have the body she has and can flourish in it. If people make fun of her and say rude stuff, so be it. It may hurt but she is a child of God and has the perfect body because HE made it that way.
 
You mentioned that this woman said that
“in front of your daughter’s” friends, suffice
it to say that THEY will not take it kindly
towards this woman, it’s a wonder no one
rebuked her for her biased statement.
 
I would tell my child that in its life, we should never let other people determine our value and self worth. That their negative comments and opinions mean nothing, as God says we are all beautiful and wonderfully made.
Then I would tell the woman in private that her comment was insensitive, and give her the opportunity to correct her behavior.
 
Theresa,

Sorry that your daughter has to deal with rude / inconsiderate people. But everyone has to deal with that: even those that consider themselves “typical”. We will never escape people like them. Try to let your daughter know and remember – the opinion of those that have no respect for her or others have no meaning or effect on who she is.

If people give her comments just like the one posted here – a good response could be “you stare / laugh / make comments about me because I am different. I stare / laugh at you because there is nothing unique about you.

I pray that God grants her peace and happiness – and the ability to ignore the opinions of those who are not unique.

Winter
 
My son cannot walk due to muscular dsystrophy. When things similar to your daughter’s situation have come up, I simply held my son and told him that I loved him. It’s so important that our children understand that. The couple times that people have acted less than charitably toward him and his disability I’ve tried to make him understand that there is much ignorance in the world and that maybe their disability is unkindness.
 
It is OK to be honest if you are gentle about it: “I know you mean well, but it is hard enough to get along with my difficulty walking without being reminded that people notice my limp or recognize me because of it. I would much rather you try to pretend that you don’t even notice it any more.” Deliver the instruction as you will want others to counsel you when you unintentionally commit a faux pas, which most of us will eventually do. Count this as the spiritual work of mercy of “instructing the ignorant.” Know that you will also have an easier time accepting mercy when you mess up, if you have tried to be gracious when it happened to you.

When someone says something that was pointedly rude, shooting them a “were you raised by a pack of socially-challenged lower primates?” look is not out of place. Count it as the spiritual work of mercy “admonishing the sinner.” Again: correct as you would want to be corrected, if you were the offender. Try to do it in a way that will lead to amendment and reconciliation. For instance, if someone shows they are mortified because their desire to amuse their friends lead to cruelty, change your expression to accept the apology. People work harder to be kind to those who have been kind to them when they had no reason to expect kindness. Still, sometimes the cruel are stubbornly cruel. That is why I wouldn’t take them to task verbally. If they were looking for the little thrill of upsetting you, it is better to deny them the thrill of upsetting you and delivering evidence that they’ve only earned a low opinion, instead. The less reaction you give them, the less they’ll be tempted to pick on you. Those who want to look down on others don’t look to simply be looked down upon themselves, instead.

It is also a spiritual work of mercy to “bear wrongs patiently.” IOW, while it would be better to teach those who know you not to commit these offense, sometimes this will turn out to be tossing pearls before swine, an exercise not worth continuing. Do not doubt that God will reward you if you bear all these wrongs, inconveniences and casual cruelties as a servant of God ought to do. “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do” is the example we are bound to follow as well as our frailty allows us to do it. (We have been told not to come looking for mercy when we have not been willing to give out our own little pittance ourselves, after all.)
 
My daughter has mild cerebral palsy and also has issues with walking and also with her speech. She is much younger though. She is turning five. But we have gotten the comments and looks. My son is 11 and has a skin disease that cause lesions on his face. He has received many comments from kids on up to adults.

My advice, teach your daughter to have confidence and to be at peace with her physical differences and/or limitations. The more you can accept and embrace your “cross,” so to speak, the easier it is to handle the questions and comments of others. Teach her to be a friend to all, to always have a smile, and to always give a gracious response. That’s how I handled it with my son, and he’s done beautifully with it. The fact is, most people make comments and ask because they are curious and don’t know how to mention it without offending. If you can try to be “un-offendable” you will normalize your daughter’s struggles and people will stop asking and wondering about it.

I don’t recommend snappy responses or saying, “people don’t usually mention other people’s disabilities” etc. only because that sort of attitude reinforces the idea that your child is different and that it isn’t okay to talk about our differences. The reality is, while it may not be apparent to all, everyone has something “different” about themselves that they must bear, and is unique to them. But cerebral palsy, or a limp, or whatever, shouldn’t make us feel bad. It’s who we are in Christ, that is, sons and daughters of the King, that matters. :hug3:

A few years ago I started watching and following this teen girl’s story on YouTube, because she has a very similar type of cp as my daughter has. She made a wonderful video about this very topic. You may want to give it a watch. She is quite an inspiring young lady!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=hvepPH7wuHA
 
Jennifer132 said:
My daughter has mild cerebral palsy and also has issues with walking and also with her speech. She is much younger though. She is turning five. But we have gotten the comments and looks. My son is 11 and has a skin disease that cause lesions on his face. He has received many comments from kids on up to adults.

My advice, teach your daughter to have confidence and to be at peace with her physical differences and/or limitations. The more you can accept and embrace your “cross,” so to speak, the easier it is to handle the questions and comments of others. Teach her to be a friend to all, to always have a smile, and to always give a gracious response. That’s how I handled it with my son, and he’s done beautifully with it. The fact is, most people make comments and ask because they are curious and don’t know how to mention it without offending. If you can try to be “un-offendable” you will normalize your daughter’s struggles and people will stop asking and wondering about it.

I don’t recommend snappy responses or saying, “people don’t usually mention other people’s disabilities” etc. only because that sort of attitude reinforces the idea that your child is different and that it isn’t okay to talk about our differences. The reality is, while it may not be apparent to all, everyone has something “different” about themselves that they must bear, and is unique to them. But cerebral palsy, or a limp, or whatever, shouldn’t make us feel bad. It’s who we are in Christ, that is, sons and daughters of the King, that matters. :hug3:

A few years ago I started watching and following this teen girl’s story on YouTube, because she has a very similar type of cp as my daughter has. She made a wonderful video about this very topic. You may want to give it a watch. She is quite an inspiring young lady!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=hvepPH7wuHA
Click to expand...
I knew someone with very red hair cut in a cute short style at the time when Molly Ringwald was popular. She got very tired of being asked if anyone ever told her she looked like Molly Ringwald, and said so. I wasn’t the person who made the comment, but it made me stop and think before mentioning an obvious feature about someone.

It doesn’t hurt to remind others that no one likes to be constantly reminded of what they know is immediately noticeable about them. That isn’t what makes them different. It is what makes them just like anyone else.

Our children have a hearing loss and wear hearing aids. Yes, I think taking the tack that “it is something for everybody” and to calmly take a “simply handle my differences the same way you hope other people will handle yours” attitude is the best way to go.
 
When you encounter rude comments, sometimes a simple, “Excuse me?” with a slightly surprised look and tone (not hostile unless it’s really bad) works wonders.

It’s sort of a subtle way of asking the person to think again about what they just said, without assuming they meant it cruelly. Most people will realize how it came across, backtrack and apologize, and learn to choose their words more thoughtfully next time, as well.

Because of the situation, I’d forgive and let it go this time unless the woman or someone else brings it up again.

Surely you’ve misspoken before, and hurt someone unintentionally. Wouldn’t you appreciate them giving you the benefit of the doubt? And realize that most likely, the woman’s words told those who heard it a lot more about her than about your daughter.

If you feel it really calls for a discussion with the woman, I’d do it privately, and after your anger has cooled. And don’t treat it as a “last straw” kind of thing, taking out on her the things OTHER people have said or done (the teenagers making fun, etc.). It’s not a continuation of that; it’s a separate situation. Assume that she just didn’t think before she spoke, not that she was trying to embarrass your daughter.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top