Hi Rob,
I’m sorry to hear about the situation with your aunt.
You asked if anyone had something to share about their own experience with forgiveness. I have 2 stories about this, I suppose.
The first involves my stepmother. Without going into lots of detail, let’s just say she was abusive to my sister and I. I got the worst of it because my sister was a baby when my stepmother came on board, while I was 8 or 9. So my sister really didn’t know our mom - our stepmother was the only one she knew.
Over the years, I realized that even long after I moved out of the house, married, and started living as an adult, I was still allowing myself to relive the abuse and to be hurt by it. Worse, even after my stepmother died of cancer, I found myself bitter and resentful at her. Finally I realized that the only person I was hurting was myself. It took lots of time, lots of prayer, but I ultimately was able to forgive her. I realized that I had some responsibility in the situation, too, and I realized that she really did the best she knew how to do - she simply wasn’t equiped to be a mom.
My sister, on the other hand, remained unforgiving. She held on to anger, relived the hurt, constantly picked at emotional scars, dwelled on the past… She went through years of therapy, years of being diagnosed with a series of labels for mental illness, years of pills, years of threatening suicide. She died young, after living miserably for years.
In my opinion, the difference between the two of us was forgiveness.
Years later, our priest did a series of things that were very hurtful and embarrasing to me personally and to our church (which I dearly love). There are lots of people who have left our church to go to another parish because of their response to him. At one point, when I spoke with him about our differences, he suggested that I find another church. I told him no, that this was my church, this was my church family, and that he and I would have to learn to live with each other. I was deeply hurt, resentful, angry. I found that I would sit in church and seethe because I was having to spend time face to face with him. I got little from Mass. My spiritual life was deteriorating. And again, I realized that our priest wasn’t hurt by my attitude - only I was.
I began to pray for him. Frequently. In and out of church. All through Mass. I prayed that God would bless him, and I asked God to teach me to forgive. It took time, but suddenly I realized that the burden of bitterness was gone.
I’ve continued to pray for him whenever I feel the old feelings are coming back. And over time, we’ve actually developed a half-way decent relationship. I was suprised after Mass last week, but we had a fairly long conversation, very pleasant in fact. So both of us seem to be changing as a result of God’s grace.
So my best advice is to pray when you’re having trouble forgiving - pray for those you are having problems with, that God will bless them, and pray for yourself, that God will help you to become willing to forgive and to learn how to do so.
Good luck, and God bless you!!!
