Rats!..(Catholic joke)

[Peebo]

“I’ve tried everything,” says the first priest. “I still can’t get rid of our rats.”

“Same here!” says the second priest. “We’ve tried poison, traps, and noise. Nothing works.”

“We don’t have that problem,” says the third priest. “We baptized and confirmed them all, and now they just show up at Easter and Christmas.”

 

[christofirst]

Noticing a parishioner entering the church before Mass wearing shorts, the pastor remarked, “Don’t you think short pants are disrespectful in the House of God?” The parishioner replied, “But Father, the Bible tells us Adam and Eve went around naked,” to which the pastor remarked, “Yes, but that was before the Fall.” “Exactly,” said the parishioner, “Like now, during summer when it’s hot. After the fall, I can wear my sweatpants to church!”

 

[joeybaggz]

Colleen O’Reilly is walking down the main street in Galway when she comes upon newly ordained Bishop Kelly. The bishop stops and addresses the young lady.
“Ah, aren’t you colleen O’Grady, and didn’t I marry you and Seamus O’Reilly last year when I was pastor at St. Patrick’s.”
“Yes you did” replies the woman."
“And how are you and Seamus doing?” “Fine” comes the reply. “And has the Lord blessed you with any wee ones?”
“Ah, no He hasn’t yet.” Colleen replies.
“Tell you what I’ll be doing,” the Bishop says. " I have to go to Rome next month to meet with the Holy Father. I’ll light a candle for you at St. Peter’s, would you be liking that now?" “Oh, that would be wonderful,” Colleen replies. And with that they part.
Flash forward nine years later. Colleen is walking down the same street pushing a baby carriage with three little girls, triplets, and comes upon the Bishop. The Bishop, having an incredible memory, spies the lady and approaches.
“You are Colleen O’Reilly,” he says, smiling. "That I am, your excellency,"she replies. “And how are you Bishop Kelly, this fine day?” “Wonderful,” the Bishop replies. “And who are these fine little ones?” he asks.
“Well this is Mary, Bridget, and Margaret,” Colleen replies. “Ah, triplets, and who are these two?” the Bishop asks pointing to the two small children with her. “this is Peter and this is Angela.” “Ah, five adorable little ones,” the bishop says. "Oh, we also have Michael in 2nd grade,and Christine in 1st. Colleen replies.
“Ah, seven little one’s, praise be the bounty of the Lord,” the Bishop says. “But where is Seamus, I haven’t seen him lately.”
Colleen chuckles and looks at the cleric. “Ah, your excellency, he’s gone to Rome to blow out your damn candle.”

(best told in an Irish brogue)

 

[StephieNorthCo]

Bishop to youngish priest, newly made Pastor. I didn’t mind so much when you brought in the professional band for Mass. And I didn’t say anything when you took out the pews, and put in the bucket seats, with kneelers. And I didn’t even complain when you added the foot massagers. But, this time you have gone too far. Imagine the sign outside. “Toot and Tell, drive through confessional”.