RCIA candidate--what to do when husband doesn't want kids to be Catholic?

[mls9q]

Hello,

Hoping someone here can give me some perspective, please! I’ve been married to my husband for over 8 years, and we’ve been together for almost 15 years (since we were teenagers). When we married, we married in a Protestant church, but weren’t really too serious about the faith. After I had children though (we have three kids now–ages 6, 3, and 9 mos.), I became much more religious. For the past two years, we have faithfully attended a United Methodist Church (I grew up in the UMC, and he was baptized and grew up Lutheran) along with our children (all baptized in the UMC). At this point, however, although he goes to church with us, he is pretty much an agnostic.

Earlier this year, I felt drawn by the Holy Spirit to study the Catholic faith, and I now believe that God is calling me to the Church. I began RCIA a few weeks ago at a friend’s parish, and feel more and more like it was the right decision. When I first told my husband about this growing conviction, he was all for it. He even mentioned casually to some friends that we’d probably be switching to a Catholic parish soon. Now that I’ve started RCIA, though, he’s become suddenly very uncomfortable with the idea of raising our kids to be Catholic. He says it’s just very foreign to him, and he’s also worried that all the Catholic “rules” will cause our children to rebel against both us and the faith later down the line. Now, he’s always said–and still says–that he wants nothing more than for them to have the deep Christian faith that he lacks, and yet here he is, wanting them to be Protestant when he’s actually a non-believer and his wife is becoming more and more convinced that the Catholic Church is the true church of Christ. I mentioned going to mass as a family this weekend, and he became incredibly uncomfortable. He thinks I should just go to mass on Saturday nights and we should keep going to our UMC congregation on Sunday mornings. He says he’ll probably “come around” to the kids going to mass with me eventually, but who knows when that will be? My oldest, as I said, is 6, and in the first grade. If the kids do make the switch, I would hate for her to have missed out on the first year of CCD, etc.

So, where to go from here? I’m planning on speaking to the priest who is teaching our RCIA class, but does anyone have any experience with this? Will I even be allowed to convert if I can’t promise that my children will be raised Catholic, though I certainly want them to be? Not sure where to go from here I would love nothing more than a family united in faith, but sadly, that’s just not where I am at this point in my life.

 

[1ke]

So, where to go from here? I’m planning on speaking to the priest who is teaching our RCIA class, but does anyone have any experience with this?

Continue on your path.

I can suggest the book When Only One Converts.

Will I even be allowed to convert if I can’t promise that my children will be raised Catholic, though I certainly want them to be?

Yes.

Not sure where to go from here I would love nothing more than a family united in faith, but sadly, that’s just not where I am at this point in my life.

Take it one day at a time.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Carry on with RCIA and take the kids to mass with you. Since your husband is not practicing his faith, you are the spiritual head of the household. I say put your foot down (in a nice way, of course), do what you have to do, don’t let him manipulate you into raising possible agnostics because he is ‘uncomfortable’ with going to mass, and raise the kids Catholic.

The situation is not ideal but God will help you and lead you, one step at the time.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

Good advice from 1ke.

Don’t be impatient. You are in a very important spiritual journey, as are your husband and children, although they may not know it. Many people, including several in my family, have left the UMC because of their long march away from orthodox Christianity. It can be a very difficult thing to leave the old family church. Even your oldest child is hardly old enough to understand denominations yet so you have time.

I would recommend Scott and Kimberly Hahn’s conversion story Rome Sweet Home: Our Journey to Catholicism. Scott’s desire to become Catholic caused tremendous strain on their marriage.

 

[LittleRose]

He says it’s just very foreign to him, and he’s also worried that all the Catholic “rules” will cause our children to rebel against both us and the faith later down the line. Now, he’s always said–and still says–that he wants nothing more than for them to have the deep Christian faith that he lacks, and yet here he is, wanting them to be Protestant when he’s actually a non-believer and his wife is becoming more and more convinced that the Catholic Church is the true church of Christ.

It sounds like maybe he likes the idea of being Catholic, but the reality is a little intimidating. Maybe he is afraid he won’t be able to live up to “all the Catholic rules”. Is he willing to come with you to RCIA classes or even just to a few parish social events–something minimally intimidating? Maybe there are some “baby steps” you can take with him so he can adjust to the change at his own pace. Sometimes conversion is like the way people get in a cold pool on a hot day. Some just want to dive in, and others need to get in slowly. Others want to dip their toes in the water first and think about it. It’s great that he sees the value of faith for your kids. Talk to him. Maybe all he needs is a lot of love and a little coaxing.

 

[Rawb]

Contra Mundum is right. You should undermine your husband and force your religion on his children. Take him and his comfort out of the picture. What’s wrong with driving a wedge between a married couple? Men are known to enjoy being emasculated, right?

Look, it would be different if your husband is going to be dead set against any possibility whatsoever of your family ever being Roman Catholic. That’s not your situation. Your husband is encountering something that is making him very uncomfortable, but he’s said he’s open to it before. Rather than alienating him and feeding into what his probably his fear that something is becoming very important to you which excludes him (possibly more important than him, which intellectually he probably knows isn’t true but is still something he might be dealing with) I heartily recommend 1ke’s route.

Be patient. Pray for your husband (look into saints who were in your situation. The only one I can think of off the top of my head is St. Monica who prayed for years for her son’s conversion, but you can probably find a more applicable one. That is the most important thing to do. Pray for him.

Then speak with him. What specifically makes him uncomfortable? Ask him to be completely blunt and you ask him questions to help you understand. Don’t challenge how he feels about your new faith, but see if you can realize what is making him hesitate all of the sudden. Maybe he has ingrained anti-papal teachings from his childhood. Maybe he just doesn’t care for your pries or parish. Maybe he’s bought into a lot of anti-priest pedophilia propaganda and is concerned for his children. Whatever the issue make sure he feels free to express it, and then, if it’s ok, ask about ways you can overcome these issues (call them ‘these issues’ not ‘your issues’) or ways you can help him to understand or feel more comfortable. If he says he wants time to think it over, give it to him, but return to the question after some time has passed (if he doesn’t bring it up himself).

Next, find a way that he can connect with Roman Catholicism independently from you. Maybe he’ll enjoy the challenges of fasting and leading your family in prayer. Maybe he’ll get close to a Roman saint (I might suggest Piero Giorgio Frassati, a Roman saint who I still very much respect and admire). It’s about Orthodoxy, but maybe this article could help you get some ideas about how to engage men in church. Maybe find him a book he might be interested in and give it to him when the time is right (not after a disagreement about religion, not on his birthday etc. unless he asks for it, you’re his wife - you know when it’s right).

Finally, set up a timeline. You’ll most likely be Confirmed at Easter Vigil, right? Well maybe count back a month or two from there and say you’ll start going there on Sundays, every Sunday, as a family. Two months before that you’ll start going every other Sunday (with you attending off-Sunday Saturday Masses to fulfill your obligation). Look over your RCIA schedule and highlight a few nights he might find the topic interesting, and go together on those nights specifically. In a few months, bring in your first statues and rosaries (unless he’s fine with them in which case bring them in whenever). Work out a timeline of your reception, and your kids’ reception, into Roman Catholicism with your husband, so he has an idea of what’s going on and sees he has time to become adjusted to the idea. You might have to hold off on your kids coming in with you, but you very well might gain your husband doing so as well. That, honestly, would be the better thing for them in the long run.

Christianity is very old. It can wait for your husband. Give him the time he needs.

But remember, PRAY!

 

[Starrsmother]

Continue on your path.

I can suggest the book When Only One Converts.

Yes.

Take it one day at a time.

This is very good advice. When it comes right down to it, you cannot force anyone to become Catholic and ultimately you must look out for your own soul first. This doesn’t mean that it’s every man for himself and to heck with your husband, or that you aren’t responsible for catechizing your kids and even husband as best you can–but rather that it’s like when the flight attendant on a plane tells you that if the oxygen masks drop you must put yours on first before trying to put one on your kid. There’s a reason for that advice and it often pertains and works with husbands just as well as plane passengers!

Your husband is probably a little overwhelmed and afraid because you are moving ahead in becoming a Catholic at a somewhat faster pace than he is feeling in his own soul. Conversion doesn’t happen at the same speed for each and every person. The other possibility is that your husband was just never 100% firm in deciding to convert–but since he is agnostic in his protestant beliefs— that it was a fine conversation to have–right up until he realized that you truly had felt the call to convert and were moving ahead on what your heart called you to do! This may have made him feel threatened–how will his wife change when she becomes a fully practicing Catholic and will he like the change? And if he doesn’t like the change, and your kids are also being raised Catholic, what will change in them? You don’t know what is going through his mind–and he may not quite know himself, or if he does, he may not be willing to come right out and tell you–even if you corner him about it.

I would only offer one suggestion different from some of the other posts. Absolutely continue with your classes and if you are called to convert–do so. You will always feel like you lost out or sold out if you don’t. Allow your husband to witness you as a practicing Catholic and witness the changes in you–which obviously aren’t going to be so horrendous that he won’t know his own wife anymore, and see if he doesn’t come around. It might even take him several years to do so–or maybe he will in even less than a few years. Or maybe he never will–but he will become less and less worried about you being Catholic as he realizes it is no threat to himself or your marriage.

As to your kids, and I am not suggesting you stir trouble up, but if it were me, I’d agree to going to Saturday evening Mass–at least for now—BUT, I’d insist that I be able to take at least the older child or 2 older kids with me and that he allow the older one to take RCIA too. If he wants to take the kids with him to protestant services on Sunday, for now, allow him the same right with his own kids that you have every right to expect from him—and you do or should have the same right as he does. At 6 years old, this isn’t going to confuse a child and he won’t be marred for life as a Catholic by being taken to a protestant church with his Dad. But remember–as the mother–you will naturally and always have more opportunity to discuss the Catholic faith, practices, beliefs and traditions with your kids than a dad–and particularly a fairly agnostic protestant dad!. Do so! Pray with them–and you pray for your husband’s ultimate conversion too–if only silently in your heart for now… Your 6 year old will make his first communion–I bet your husband will decide he doesn’t want to miss that–even if he is still attending his protestant church. And try get to know some catholic couples–speak to your priest if need be about this-- and see if you can’t pick at least one couple where you think that the man may have things in common with your husband outside of church–maybe being a football fan or playing golf or whatever your husband really enjoys. If there’s one where perhaps the husband would be a good fit for your own husband and is in Knights of Columbus, that’s an even bigger plus because the Knights are not only about Catholic service, they have a big social side too. Let them approach him as friends. I married a non-catholic over 40 years ago. It’s amazing the impact that one man can have on another man if they become friends! Don’t preach to him–he’ll shut you out. Just drown him in Catholicism–gently, slowly and with good humor. Then, let God do the rest!

 

[His_helpmeet]

You might think about asking your husband exactly what his concerns are. I find that many people have “issues” with the Catholic Church because they don’t understand what the Church teaches. You might also suggest that the two of you read the Catechism together - not in an attempt to convince him to convert, but just so that he can begin to understand the reasoning behind the rules.

 

[bsroufek]

Matt 10:37, Jesus says, “He who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me isn’t worthy of me.”

So, keep up your walk into the Original and Eternal Catholic Church and, at the very least, witness to your children as they grow up. Take them with you to Mass, if you can.

 

[CarolNoel]

Have you thought about asking him to sit in on some of your RCIA classes with you?

 

[mls9q]

Hello, OP here. Thanks so much for the replies! So, I spoke more about this with my husband, and he continues to be extremely uncomfortable with me even taking the kids to mass. He went to Catholic school as a child for a while, and had some negative experiences there–nothing extreme, but he is convinced that the Catholic religion is fear-based, and will lead our kids to be terrified of sin, want to rebel against all the “rules,” or both. I tried to explain what I’ve been learning and what it means to me, but I’m terrible at arguing with him, and ended up feeling like a very poor apologist He actually thinks now that I just want to become Catholic out of fear of mortal sin, thereby reinforcing the idea that the whole thing is fear-driven. So, what to do? At this point, I’m thinking:
–I’ll keep attending RCIA, but it’s definitely not for kids (although I just bring my baby with me). My husband will definitely not go with me.
–I’ll go to Saturday evening masses every week, and try to find a parish where I can envisage my husband attending at some point in the future.
–I’ll expose my kids to what I’m learning as best I can at home (suggestions??). Please note that I have always prayed with them, read the Bible and devotions with them, discussed Christianity with them, etc.
–I’ll keep going to the UMC church with my family because I don’t know if my husband would take the kids there without me and I have no intention of taking them out of church altogether. Plus, I’m still in a discernment process with RCIA myself.
–Keep praying that my husband’s heart will soften such that I’ll be able to take the kids to mass soon. I am definitely praying!
Hopefully I’m not way off base here. I’m trying to do what I can without severely injuring my marriage, which is very important not only to me but to my children and–of course!–to God! I know that God comes first–I’m not dropping out of RCIA, and I will convert if in the end I feel that it is what God wants, but I’m just trying to take an approach that–while faithful to God–is less injurious to my marriage and my husband’s dignity than “I’ll do whatever I want.”
Thanks for the advice and prayers!

 

[Tablefor9]

St. Monica, pray for us.

I, too, am a convert whose husband is adamantly opposed to the children coming to Mass. I think we are right to pray fervently for unity in our households while staunchly refusing to be the ones to capitulate. We should do everything possible to honor God, honor our husbands, and so make the faith that much more real to our families.

I do try to remember to offer it up. Perhaps this is a sliver of what the rent in the Body of Christ seems like, from a heavenly perspective.

 

[mls9q]

Thanks, Tablefornine! May I ask what is your specific strategy for dealing with this with your husband? I’m looking for suggestions! Thank you

 

[Tablefor9]

Sure, here’s how it looks at our house just now (remember, our 7 children are ages 4-14):
Guerrilla warfare:
Novenas in progress–mine, my priest, and probably still one other
St Monica, St Rita, St Victoria, St Ita, St Edith Stein…pray for us.
Don’t think I haven’t thought about holy water, blessed salt, and a miraculous medal buried in his side of the bed, but about the time I started thinking like that, things got a little better

Standard operating procedure:
Being more loving than usual. Not in a manipulative way, but in an understanding that you (we) have changed the rules of engagement. These guys married women of one sort and are getting something else ENTIRELY. There is room for grief until they figure out that what they are getting is better. So, until my husband comes around and we are a united, Catholic family, I will not emasculate him by disregarding his wishes for the children’s religious upbringing.

So…this is what we do for now:

–I attend weekly and Holy Day Mass, and weekday (very sporadic), on my own.

–I attend A/G Sunday morning with the family every other week, but do NOT attend communion services HINT: I told him that I knew how hurtful it was for me not to be w/ him in communion and he could make the choice, this was HIS request.

–I have provided books for him to read: Surprised by Truth, When Only One Converts, Rome Sweet Rome, The Fathers Know Best, Does the Bible Really Say That? And Dr. Brant Pitre’s work…and shown him where they are on the shelves in the bedroom. No pressure. When a question comes up, I will answer it, but I don’t beat him up with Church teaching. This was important in our home because there is a lot of anti-Catholic thought in my husband’s family that I was blissfully unaware of when we got married. Having swallowed it as literal gospel for 46 years, it’s a terrific shock to find oneself married to a faithful Catholic. He has to see people from his own background that have made the leap.

–Whenever one of the kids asks a question, or one of my husband’s family says they’ve heard x about Catholics, I respond as gently as possible with the truth.

–For my oldest son and oldest daughter (14 and 11) who have expressed a desire to go to Mass, I have asked them to pray that their Dad’s heart will soften and be receptive, and to wait for a time. I have been gently discussing more as it seems right with my husband in an effort to prepare the way a bit, and we’ll see. I don’t want them to feel put in the middle of what seems a division in our family.

–I am gradually becoming “more Catholic” in my “lifestyle”:
–I added a medal to my usual jewelry. I didn’t explain it until someone asked about it, and then, only in terms they could understand.
–I got out my crystal Holy Family that usually is only out from Thanksgiving to Christmas–it’s now out all the time, on a built in sideboard that is in the heart of our home. With flowers–like a peace lily, for Our Lady, which I bought the week of Assumption, that helps me remember to work to bring peace to our home. And candles, which happen to be white right now.
–Angel figurines, antiques from family, out on bedside, again–with flowers and white candles–from when it was just the feast of the Archangels.
–beginning the day with the day’s Mass readings off my iPhone app. I can only go to a daily Mass once a month or so, but I can read every day. So, when my husband asks–well, there you go.

All these little things–you don’t have to explain until they ask–then it illustrates the richness and depth of the faith and what pulls us in. If these kinds of things appeal to you, Meredith Gould’s The Catholic Home is a great book and Ann Ball’s Encyclopedia of Catholic Devotions and Practices will make your head spin.

I could go on and this would be even longer – sorry. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. When you doubt it, ask yourself who started each church. That settles it.