Ready to give-up on chastity

[AthenaC]

I will admit that I haven’t read the whole thread, but I am willing to bet I can offer a unique perspective, based on the reaction to some of my other posts elsewhere -

1. Once upon a time, I had a lot of sex. With a lot of different people. From one-night stands to serious relationships to one civil marriage, I loved every minute of it. Except for sex with my first husband after marriage, because he turned out to be an abusive, adulterous jerk. Ironic, no? If I had, in fact, waited until marriage, I wouldn’t have had any positive experiences with sex to look back on and understand that sex should really be a lot more enjoyable. Oh - and because of all that sex I had two beautiful baby girls. Different races, actually - perfectly beautiful in very different ways. If I hadn’t had sex, I wouldn’t have those two beautiful souls.
2. After I left my first husband, sex with even more people was very therapeutic. I had to separate from the mindset of being faithful to him. Until I could break that mindset of being faithful to him, he still had power over me and kept tormenting me. Mentally and emotionally abusive people are skilled like that. I still remember driving away after the first time I had sex with someone other than my husband. I remember the euphoria, the feeling of hope, of “everything’s going to be all right.” And it was. That was really the turning point toward being free from him and healing so that I could be a good mom to my girls and a good wife to someone else down the line. (Side note: Before I slept with someone else, I went to confession and was going back to Mass with my parents. But I still wasn’t able to get free from my husband. It was really horrible.)
3. I wanted to understand how chastity could possibly be the way to go since I had experienced nothing but good from sex outside of marriage. Any chastity resource I looked to (be it books, pamphlets, attending presentations, attempting to talk to anyone and everyone who didn’t shy away from the topic (and even some who did )) was worthless. I kept hearing things like “You think you want sex but you really don’t. You really want love.” Um … no. I just want sex. And, “You will feel used afterward.” That’s funny, because that’s not how I feel at all. Ad nauseum.
4. Because of all the above, I actually fell away from the Church for a while, because I realized I simply couldn’t follow the teaching. I wasn’t going to be a cafeteria Catholic and rationalize it; the Faith is something you accept 100% or not at all. It was technically wrong and I knew it, but I really couldn’t wrap my head around it being wrong. No matter how hard I tried to see it as wrong, I simply couldn’t. So I put it on my calendar to go back to church when I got sacramentally married, because then the ethical issue disappears for me. I’m married now, so I’m finally “allowed” to have sex! Yay, me! I still pray for contrition, but it doesn’t seem to be forthcoming. Frankly, I’m not holding my breath. (Skewer my apparent cavalier attitude all you want, you are not omnisicent and do not know the effort I have put into understanding this. Accept my account in good faith and comment accordingly, or ignore it and move on.)
5. Many people on here talk about the negative effects prior sexual experience has on their relationships. I simply cannot relate. Both my husband and I had many previous partners before finding each other, and we have no problem being monogamous, loving, emotionally connected … all the things that people are saying you can only get by saving sex until marriage. No one’s experience is universal, and to pretend so is silly and insulting.

Why am I telling you all of the above? (First of all, I don’t have to stop there - I’ve got more, but I don’t want to bore you any more than I have.) Well, you may find that for you, chastity just doesn’t make any sense. After all, you did post initially as “ready to give up.” I know chastity didn’t make any sense for me; in fact I am the poster child for why the idea of “no sex 'till marriage” doesn’t make a lick of sense. Even looking back now as a happily married woman, I don’t know what I could have done differently, all things considered. Suffice it to say, it still doesn’t make sense. However, keep in mind that whether or not chastity makes sense for you, it is still the right thing to do, and there’s really no way to slice and dice it. You either follow the teaching (as well as you can) or you don’t. So don’t give up on chastity - do it anyway.

 

[vinegar]

Chastity is a treasure. It makes you like the angels. It is the integrity of the body, a glorious luster of the soul.
But it is not cheap.
Do not count the cost, but remember the value.
Go to confession and start again.
You are worth it.

 

[Smugleaf]

Again, like a poster above, I haven’t had time to read the whole thread, but I’d like to respond to the original post.

You’re only waiting to get recognition from other people? No wonder you’re discouraged. You’re doing it for the wrong reasons. Chastity should be practised out of moral conviction, not desire for praise.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Up until now, I’ve always said “no”. Now, however, I’m thinking about saying “yes”.

  My question is simple: Why shouldn’t I say “yes”? If I’m the only person who cares if I stay chaste or not, why should I? The impression I get from this forum is that saving myself for marriage is more of a liability than anything else. If that’s the case, what’s the point? Can anybody give me one good reason, other than “because the Church/Bible says so”?

I know where you are coming from. But let me argue the point from this angle. GOD gave us free will and a set up laws for our good because he loves us and not because he wants to make our lives miserable. Any sin we commit cuts into our souls a little and has consequences we don’t always see right away ala Dorian Grey sort of. If you sleep with someone then end up breaking off the relationship it’s a lot more painful then if you didn’t sleep with them. You’re very rare among guys most I know won’t date someone who won’t put out so unfortunately you’ll get slack for that and people will think you’re weird because you go against the norms of society. It’s best to remember though we live in a society that devalues a lot of Christian beliefs and makes light of morals. So at some point we have to choose either the Worlds Way or our own. Have you thought of looking for a Catholic group in your area where you can meet people who hold the same values you do…anyway that’s what I would recommend. I’d run away from that woman though that you mentioned she just wants to use you.

Just noticed this is an OLD Thread…be warned.

 

[Debora123]

So, what is your purpose for living chastely?
To avoid sin in your life?.. or to use it as a bragging right or proof of your holiness?

Now, I didn’t take the time to fully read the other thread you’re referring to - I glanced at it, but didn’t devour it… so excuse my ignorance…

You don’t achieve holiness by checking boxes on a to-do list…
Virgin? Check!
Mass every week? Check!
Didn’t worship idols? Check!

Okay - I did it … now what’s my prize?

No, it also requires humility, patience, kindness, charity… these things aren’t always easy.
EVERY human being sins… just because you or I have been able to avoid sin in ONE area of our lives doesn’t mean we’re sinless or can hold that virtue over someone’s head as if we’re more saintly.

Does that mean it’s OKAY to sin? No way!
Temperance and diligence are a couple more virtues that need to be in the mix… You can’t just GIVE UP!

Yes, it’s tough… deal with it.

Great post!

 

[fgh_123]

OP I’m currently in the same situation as yourself (Albeit 22). I’ve struggled with being chaste for a fair bit of time and recently it’s gotten SUBSTANTIALLY harder. To the point where I am not sure I’ll be able to hold on much longer.

We live in a VERY disheartening world, where there isn’t much support even amongst our own ranks, let alone the vast world that would think us nuts for holding on.

I guess there is nothing I can say to change your mind, as I’m in the same quandary, but I guess it boils down to a matter of faith. Not all this religious lark about this that and the other, the rules and regulations that make it so easy to rebut against,but faith in God himself. Faith that you WILL find a wife that holds the same values as yourself. A girl that you could happily spend the rest of your life with, comfortable that she also was of a strong enough will to abstain from the cheap thrills of sex, a girl who you will be all she knows and all you, a girl to share your life with intimately and grow together in the love of God.

If you can’t find that strength of faith in you, then I reckon you might as well go with the flow since we all know doing stuff for the sake of it without love or faith is worth pretty much jack all.

But I will say this. You’re 21 years old, with your WHOLE life ahead of you (my life has TURNED around even in the space of being 21 to 22). You really do risk compromising yourself with this woman who has already had 2 children.

Imagine waking up in a month or two’s time to the dreaded phrase that she’s pregnant and or that you’ve contracted some nasty disease? Worth it then?

At least find a decent girl. Remember it’s a two way game, she’s not just giving, you’re also giving. Respect yourself.

Awaits vitriolic bashing from the die hards

 

[chevalier]

Don’t give up. God who loves you can make you infinity times happier than a girl who won’t date you if you don’t sleep with her.

I’ve had break-ups or relationships that didn’t come into being for reasons relating to religion and/or morality, some in a direct sense, some because compatibility was shot down for the reason. Some of them were painful. But they were all worth it.

Start fishing at ministries. Single Catholic ladies are already fishing there.

 

[bishopsix]

Hey, there. I’m going through something startlingly similar. 21-year-old college guy, devout Catholic, virgin with challenged values of chastity. To give a little background, I’m in my first relationship, and my girlfriend, also a virgin, doesn’t want to wait until marriage. Our relationship isn’t completely chaste as it is. One of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with is that my parents just recently told me that they did not wait until marriage (I was naive enough to have to be told at 21).

This discovery brought an extreme mixture of despair (how can I last if my own parents, whose example has been the basis of my life, didn’t wait?) and hope (hey, they didn’t wait and they’ve been together for 30 years now! And their marriage produced me, and I know I’m no abomination, so maybe their choices were part of the Plan).

I appreciate your own feelings of despair, but chastity is really special. Even though my own chastity is being tested, I know that it’s not something to just get out of the way, as per the situation with your coworker (as I understood it). And while it’s true that God will always forgive when it’s asked of Him, it’s dangerous to say “oh I can do this or that and God will take me back.” I believe that that is known as assumption, and is a sin.

Even though none of us are perfect or impervious to sin, the attitude I’ve been going with is that I’ll hold out as long as I can, and if I fall, I’ll give a sincere confession and try my best to keep from doing it again. “Saints are sinners who keep trying.” Think of it in terms of boxing. If you fall down during a fight, however many times, it’ll count against you, but you can keep fighting and possibly win. But if you throw in the towel, the fight’s over, and it’ll be harder to get more fights. Not a perfect analogy, especially since God doesn’t deal in points, but I think it gets the point across.

Even if you can’t hold out until marriage, it’s important that you love the person to whom you give your virginity. Now I’m going to tell you the line I was sick of hearing which actually was proven right; once you stop looking, that’s when it hits. There will be someone who will be more than an opportunity to just give it up to stop the pain or to be a friend with benefits (by the way, I’ve only ever seen those circumstances bring MORE pain).

So once you wind up with a young woman whom you care about, and with whom you don’t feel pressured (it was my NOT pressuring my girlfriend to do certain things which made her want to give them even more) see what you an do. If this young lady is willing to wait, then you may decide that your virginity and hers (if she’s a virgin) are worth protecting.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that falling is not the same as giving up. I really hope I haven’t come off as preachy, because more than anything I want you to know that there’s at least one person (and i guarantee you there are more) who is struggling with a lot of the same things. Please let me know if you ever want to talk more about this stuff.

Peace,
Christian

Last night, I told my girlfriend that I was ready to do whatever she wanted sexually. She got scared to see me give up something so special when our relationship probably would not have lasted. We broke up because she wanted to protect my chastity. It’s worth saving. Even someone who does not want to remain chaste recognized the worth of my virginity. It hurts now, but would have hurt more if we’d gone on and made a mistake and spent the rest of our lives resenting each other. Sorry to ramble about my own life, but I hope it helps in some way.
God Bless, Nick.

Christian

 

[vinegar]

Guys, it’s a bitter pill to swallow. It hurts and stings and bites, and it does not let up.
But we learn it from experience if not from the counsel of others: There’s no joy in life without chastity.
For many people there is no joy in life, because they have lowered their standards and settled for sinful pleasure.
For many guys, though, I realize, not for for all, chastity and the State of Sanctifying Grace are practically synonymous.
By “not for all” I mean guys who, additionally perhaps, use other kinds of sins and irresponsible behaviors to shipwreck their souls.
Joy, you see, is one of the fruits of (obedience to) the Holy Spirit. Do not evict Him by mortal sin, because He takes His joy with Him.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Last night, I told my girlfriend that I was ready to do whatever she wanted sexually. She got scared to see me give up something so special when our relationship probably would not have lasted. We broke up because she wanted to protect my chastity. It’s worth saving. Even someone who does not want to remain chaste recognized the worth of my virginity. It hurts now, but would have hurt more if we’d gone on and made a mistake and spent the rest of our lives resenting each other. Sorry to ramble about my own life, but I hope it helps in some way.
God Bless, Nick.

Christian

That was a very risky tactic, Christian. What if your girlfriend had whooped for joy and thrown herself into your arms? I hope that you never try that trick again. No matter what someone else believes or doesn’t believe, your body is to be kept pure until marriage. It’s what GOD wants.

 

[Stornoway]

Guys, it’s a bitter pill to swallow. It hurts and stings and bites, and it does not let up.
But we learn it from experience if not from the counsel of others: There’s no joy in life without chastity.
For many people there is no joy in life, because they have lowered their standards and settled for sinful pleasure.
For many guys, though, I realize, not for for all, chastity and the State of Sanctifying Grace are practically synonymous.
By “not for all” I mean guys who, additionally perhaps, use other kinds of sins and irresponsible behaviors to shipwreck their souls.
Joy, you see, is one of the fruits of (obedience to) the Holy Spirit. Do not evict Him by mortal sin, because He takes His joy with Him.

When practiced properly as a way of life, chastity doesn’t “hurt and sting and bite” in the slightest. True, it can and will be a challenge at times but we’re men (I say men because the OP’s a guy and so are most of those who have left comments) and naturally love a challenge ! You’re not doing something right if you find yourself moping about how you’re missing out on the great joy of seemingly unending regret (which I can say from experience is what you’re missing out on); but rather if you do find yourself moping, it should be for those of your friends and family who have not yet discovered how wholesomely good it is to be chaste; to be living the way God intended; the way He, not just wants you to live, but needs you to live and to be meeting the challenges the world throws at you with integrity, love and, importantly, a smile on your face.

The will of God shall not take you where the grace of God shall not protect you

 

[vinegar]

Stornoway,
I am grateful to God that you have found such tranquility.

I think, however, that, for many, such tranquility is not a secure possession. As I read the posts it is clear that some, while trying to do things right in their lives, still struggle.
“Moping” implies “nursing” the denied desires, pandering to them. But these desires, if unfulfilled, can be experienced as a painful wound even when one chooses to not live in regret.

The desires associated with reproduction are considered to be second in intensity only to those associated with self-preservation.
Think of the struggle St. Thomas More experienced while awaiting execution. If there were times of tranquility, I think there were also times of (practically) overwhelming anguish.

I would love to hear your response, while I thank God for your tranquility of soul.

 

[Stornoway]

Stornoway,
I am grateful to God that you have found such tranquility.

I think, however, that, for many, such tranquility is not a secure possession. As I read the posts it is clear that some, while trying to do things right in their lives, still struggle.
“Moping” implies “nursing” the denied desires, pandering to them. But these desires, if unfulfilled, can be experienced as a painful wound even when one chooses to not live in regret.

The desires associated with reproduction are considered to be second in intensity only to those associated with self-preservation.
Think of the struggle St. Thomas More experienced while awaiting execution. If there were times of tranquility, I think there were also times of (practically) overwhelming anguish.

I would love to hear your response, while I thank God for your tranquility of soul.

Hey, apologies for the late reply. I’ll start by saying that I was in a particular state of consolation when I wrote the post above so may have been overly lighthearted, hopefully not verging on flippancy, regarding Chastity and the challenges it brings. In times of consolation it can be difficult to remember a time when it was something which actually got me down (times which I certainly remember now were plentiful in the past) rather than lifted me up when I thought about my resolution to stay chaste.
And that remains the case now and has done for about half a year (that thinking about my resolution to stay chaste lifts me up). It may be appropriate to say as well that I have a girlfriend which provides a little extra motivation to stay chaste; I’m staying chaste for God, for me, and for her.
Like all things in life, it’s likely that people will feel better when they feel they’re succeeding. I can remember a time when I found it so tough that I used to ask myself all the time ‘How do priests do it??’. The answer which would be good to go back and tell myself, would be: stake your life on God. Leave behind all things which even have a chance of leading you away from Him, and take up with fervor all the things which you know in your heart lead to Him, and to your being the man whom He needs you to be: a passage of the Bible every day, putting aside even a small amount of time morning and evening for prayer to Him, spending more time with family members who need your time, put efforts into finding a charity organization in the community where you can put your talents to the very best use.

I find it helpful to remind myself that Chastity is just one part of the Catholic jigsaw. It fits so well with the other parts of Catholicism and is really quite vital to them. Vice versa, it’s impossible to practice true Chastity if your life doesn’t include prayer, scriptures, acts of charity and so forth. Looking back on the times when I really struggled and fought with Chastity, I see that these were the times when my life was totally lacking in another part of the jigsaw.
I don’t doubt that there will be times ahead when I look back on these posts and wonder how I could think such things but for now, my resolution to stay chaste is something which brings much needed comfort at times.

Anyways, despite not being too clear as my writing usually is, I hope that’s explained my position a bit better.

God Bless.

 

[vinegar]

Yes, Stornoway. “Let your joy proclaim your victory.” Blessed Pope John Paul II