Real question on forgiving family members

[HisName]

I have a real question to the Apologetics part of the forum as I am asking for some Bible readings on forgiveness and some good recommendations of books, websites, etc. I have a big big problem with forgiving my immediate family members my mother, my sister, and two brothers. I have had a terrible relationship with them for over 10 years now and well, we still talk and visit but no real forgiveness from them towards me. I do try to forgive them and treat them good but then I get such bad treatment on me I just want to cut them off from my life completely. That goes to the thinking that you can choose and pick your friends, but you can’t choose your family.

My mother treated me very badly and when I left home after high school I never wanted to go back to her. I was treated with resentment by her and also by all of my siblings after I left and did go back on her request and then later after coming to visit on vacation. Now, today, we have tried to act like civilized people. I am the only one of the four who has any kids. They love the neices and grandchildren and so we must get together for that. We actually act really well. But it’s on those occasions even on the phone when I know clearly that I am still hated and am not forgiven for anything that was held against me. I really try and pray about this but I get nowhere. I want to stay away from them but it’s not logical. I don’t want to keep putting myself in a place where I am the target for this type of treatment. It just seems harder to take when it’s your family. And If I could argue just don’t let it get to you I am unable to understand that as it does bother me very much. They and their comments or treatment bother me so much I don’t like having to give out gifts to people who treat me bad. Please help me in finding some sort of understanding in this.

Just to let you know. I have in the past many years ago gone to a priest for some type of counseling. He said to stay away from them, but with family you can’t.

One last question. I think I am on the right track in believing that I am still trying to heal before I move on to forgiving. But the task at hand is hard as every time I think we are moving on to better times everything returns to the same thing. So, it feels like I can never fully heal and therefore how can I possibly ever fully forgive and not let this bother me?

Thank you for your time.

 

[Poisson]

I have always thought of forgiveness being an act of the will rather than being about feelings. I can choose to forgive someone even though the pain of the actions remain.
I would be the best, most Christian person I can be when around them especially when they are a bit on the nasty side. By doing that they will either get more angry at your pleasantness (and you’d be guilt free) or they will soften at your kindness.

 

[wisdom_3_5]

Some Bible passages:

Forgiveness:
Matt 5:23
Matt 6:12-14
Luke 7:36-50
Colossians 3:13-14

Patience:
Romans 15:1-6
Ephesians 4:2-3

Trials:
James 1:2-3
1 Peter 5:6-10

Perserverance
1 Cor 15:58
Luke 8:15

Anger
Mat 5:21-26
Ephesians 4:25-29

Peace:
Phillipians 4:4-9

In my experience forgiviness begins with love. Not the “warm fuzzy” **feeling **of love, but the decision to love the person who hurt me. Its not easy, but each day I can make the decision again. .

“But it’s on those occasions even on the phone when I know clearly that I am still hated and am not forgiven for anything that was held against me.”

You can only forgive them, you can’t force them to forgive you or even treat you nicely. We don’t understand the crosses we have to bear now, but we will. I know its difficult and that’s why we have Jesus present in the Eucharist.

“I want to stay away from them but it’s not logical. I don’t want to keep putting myself in a place where I am the target for this type of treatment.”

Perhaps think of “turning the other cheek” or even “Giving the shirt off your back as well as your cloak” (sorry I can’t remember the verses). Also, give yourself “breaks” from them and find people that give you a positive outlook about yourself.

“it feels like I can never fully heal and therefore how can I possibly ever fully forgive and not let this bother me?”

Its a slow process that’s for sure. I think the key is “one day at a time”. Making the conscience decision to forgive and trying to follow through is what God is looking for. He knows we’re not perfect. You are being refined my friend, made purer for the God who loves you!

You are in my prayers.

 

[HisName]

I will read the Scripture. and print this out. In days when you are told it’s gonna be ok and you can’t see your way out that you question the meaning of God and what He has to say about this forgiving. It is deep, this pain. I have a forgiveness prayer and well maybe I really should bring it out more often. Still, I am at a loss for the understanding of forgiveness in my life. Praying for the grace to receive some understanding would be fit, I think.

I can understand teaching on no contraception and Mary in the church, but this one has me stumped. When I figure it out and can come to some understanding I may be doing the St. Augustine and writing such deep thoughts and explanations on forgiveness, in the meantime I’ll keep praying my rosary, my forgiveness prayer and hoping I can get past this stumper in my life.

God bless.

(BTW, I am a DIE HARD CATHOLIC, with everything that fits the description, right behind, Pope John Paul II and our saints. Gotta love them!!!)

 

[Mamamull]

OK, I am struggling with full forgiveness with my cousin. Yes forgiveness is more of an action verb than a feeling. Mostly, I can live happily without my cousin and that doesn’t help me with finalizing the act of apologizing for being hurt and angry so long.

She had to call me the day before my seven year old daughter’s funeral under the guise of wanting marital advice - as if I was in a state to give advice. Ultimately, she called me because she wanted to speak in a coarse and vulgar manner.

I had to tell her repeatedly that I couldn’t give advice. Finally I asked if she could wait until I buried my daughter – a month older than hers. She snapped out that she was sorry that she bothered me.

So, I don’t miss her and that isn’t good. I keep praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy because I think it will help me learn to love mercy.

I don’t have my cousin’s phone number on call block and sent a Christmas card last year. I haven’t written a letter or phoned her and I presume I should. I just keep taking it to confession. I also pray to St.Michael the Archangel when I am trying to overcome my bad habits or resist gossiping.

I just keep chipping away at it. I guess I did have to handle my grief first. I have a son who in now six years old. I may not be a good example, but I am trying.

Mamamull