Really confused and sexually frustrated

[AngelEyes4Jesus]

I post on here from time to time, but I should probably do a re-cap since it has been a little while since I have been on here and I apologize for the length…

DH and i were married civially a year prior to being married in the church while I waited for my annulment. During the year of waiting we abstained. We did fail some times but went straight to confession and right back on the straight and narrow. Abstaining was particularily hard for us because we lived togther in sin prior to fileing for the annulment and already had 3 sons together! It was very hard to go from “husband and wife” to “brother and sister” but through God we did, and as of the 19th of this month we have been truly married a year and are welcoming our first baby girl on the 30th of this month!

During the time we were away from the church and living in sin, we periodically would watch porn together as a “warm up/ marital aide” I know it seems crazy now, but at the time, we weren’t religious and def. not thinking about God…we ddint have much support either—his mother even made the suggestion that we begin watching porn to keep us close and spice up our sex life…during this time, 1 particular movie we had watched their was a female with a nice body and DH said IN THE MIDDLE of it…u used to llok like that before our sons…will u ever look like that again or did only your ex husband get to enjoy your body like that. This broke my heart, and I became very VERY withdrawn after this and much more inhibited and i feel our sex life as kinda of suffered sense…fast foward…

we are now more spiritual, and religious, and try to follow the 'rules" as best as we can…I even came off the BC once we started the annulment process and we practice NFP. My husband is an amazing man. My best friend. a good provider. a wonderful father. I love him very much. During the transistion to be more holy, he struggled w masterbation because up to that point we had done it mutually or comminted acts merely for pleasure…oncce we read the literature and prayed on NFP we made a pact to never ever do that. and he nixed it entirely. I was so proud of him and felt so cherished that he had such self control out of love for our marriage. and if ever he felt the “urge” he would come to me and say I think maybe we need to be more intamite because I am having these urges, and i never turned him down because the idea that he would come to me was just so loving it actually put me in the mood…I am ashamed to say though, that it is I who has fallen so grossly into sin. I just can’t seem to get what i want/ need out of our sexual relationship and feel tempted to CONSTANTLY masterbate! I can’t stop thinking about sex. I miss watching porn. I don’t feel satisfied anymore, and I don’t think hubby has a clue. I told him I was feeling frustrated and he was more or less thinking we should just have it more, but its not that. He doesnt understand. I feel so terrible for it as it is but also because I am a FEMALE and this just doesn’t seem normal. I mean there has been a couple days where I am wanting to do it like 2 or 3 times a day. I feel so guilty. I make sure I sleep with hubby whenever I do give in…I guess it makes me feel less guilty, but I still hurt inside afterward. Since becoming so strict in our religion hubby as known me as very conservative toward sex in general…he has no idea the thoughts and struggles I am going through…I don’t think he could fathom them coming from me-- his usual pretty submissive wife…i feel so ashamed. I dont even know where to begin.

Thanks in advance
In Christ,
Nicole

 

[violet81]

That was insanely hurtful of him to say!

You just have to pray pray pray pray pray. Get others to pray for you.

I do understand your problem. More women have it than will admit to it.

 

[underacloud]

Wow, what a story. Good on you for what you and your husband have acheived so far!

So you are pregnant right now. Do you think that your sexual appetite could be driven by natural hormonal fluctuations in pregnancy? For some women, pregnancy has this effect.

Regarding porn and masturbation, you seem to freely acknowledge that they’re wrong, so keep trying your best and don’t agonise *too much *when you fail (a little guilt is healthy and turns us back to seeking God’s forgiveness, which is given freely). Do you understand that mutual masturbation as a form of foreplay is perfectly fine, as long as sex finishes with regular intercourse? Porn isn’t OK as it brings other people into the marital act, but apart from that, many (most?) theologians now consider that almost anything goes between you and your husband that could be considered loving and giving…as long as regular intercourse is the final outcome. You may already understand this, so sorry if it’s not helpful.

 

[underacloud]

That was insanely hurtful of him to say!

PS Yes, hurtful, and stupid. It was probably a manifestation of his jealousy of your past relationship, which almost all men feel towards their wife’s exs. Men say outrageously stupid things sometimes without thinking first. If it still bothers you (which it must), perhaps bring it up with him. He can’t un-say it, but he can apologise, hopefully realise that he should validate you more as a beautiful woman, and help you both move forward.

 

[Monica4316]

keep trying your best and don’t agonise too much when you fail (a little guilt is healthy and turns us back to seeking God’s forgiveness, which is given freely).

I agree that remembering our sins helps us to seek God, and humbles us, and I agree with not agonizing too much over past sins that have been forgiven… however I also think that we should be very careful about thinking “it’s alright if I do this, it will just humble me”, or “so I did this, alright, but it wasn’t such a big deal, now I’m closer with God”. We need to remember that Jesus suffered for every sin on the Cross. Sin is a big deal. That being said, we should trust in God’s mercy for past sins that we have repented of (and repent for any unrepented sin).

Nicole, I’m not married so I’m not sure what advice to give, - and I don’t know why this is happening to you. I think it might not be very healthy for you to simply indulge in sex whenever you feel you should, - because practicing self control and moderation in these things is good even within marriage. It’s not true that “anything goes” within marriage, as you said, - porn is still wrong, so is masturbation. I’m sure it must be difficult for you… try to pray as much as you can, visit the Blessed Sacrament, pray the Rosary, and be devoted to our Blessed Mother, receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation and the Eucharist as much as you can. Also don’t beat yourself up for this, - what matters is not your feelings but your choices. And since you are married, there’s nothing wrong with having marital relations with your husband, just remember that the more we do something, the more we tend to want it (think of food and gluttony), - so if you want to overcome this, it might help to develop control in the area of sexuality. Just some honest advice

 

[Onedayatatime]

I post on here from time to time, but I should probably do a re-cap since it has been a little while since I have been on here and I apologize for the length…

I just can’t seem to get what i want/ need out of our sexual relationship and feel tempted to CONSTANTLY masterbate! I can’t stop thinking about sex. I miss watching porn. I don’t feel satisfied anymore, and I don’t think hubby has a clue. I told him I was feeling frustrated and he was more or less thinking we should just have it more, but its not that. He doesnt understand. I feel so terrible for it as it is but also because I am a FEMALE and this just doesn’t seem normal. I mean there has been a couple days where I am wanting to do it like 2 or 3 times a day. I feel so guilty. I make sure I sleep with hubby whenever I do give in…I guess it makes me feel less guilty, but I still hurt inside afterward. Since becoming so strict in our religion hubby as known me as very conservative toward sex in general…he has no idea the thoughts and struggles I am going through…I don’t think he could fathom them coming from me-- his usual pretty submissive wife…i feel so ashamed. I dont even know where to begin.

Thanks in advance
In Christ,
Nicole

Nicole, you have already achieved a huge amount. Coming to Christ in the way you both did and changing your lifestyle to reflect it is wonderful. I am sorry your husband hurt you in this way, remember men have their “foot in their mouths” sometimes without knowing.

It’s a hard call to say whether you should share the struggles with your husband, it may tempt him to return to your past and that wouldn’t be good. I certainly think confession would be good way to share this problem. But bear in mind, from your post you are only being tempted, not sinning. It’s very hard to “tune out” those thoughts, particularly when society broadcasts sexuallity EVERYWHERE. When they happen turn to God and prayer. A Hail Mary, the rosary, an Our Father. Make up your own prayer to God …

Dear Father, please remove the devil and these thoughts and images from my mind. Let me return to your warm love and light in the world. Help me honor you, my body and my husband always. I pray in Jesus’s name. Amen.

Turning your head to God when this happens will work. Think about it as a fire extinguisher, use it to put out the flames of temptation, and when they reignite again, give it another blast.

Over time your love for your husband, will be the only lovemaking you enjoy or imagine. Remember that Satan misses bringing you down to the animal instinct. This is why he LOVES porn. It separates us from God, makes us sin and disrespects ourselves and loved one all in package.

BTW no reason not to dial up the lovemaking with your husband if your needs are such.

Remember this is a war that will have many battles. You have already won many major ones, so don’t give up or into it now.

 

[searching04]

I post on here from time to time, but I should probably do a re-cap since it has been a little while since I have been on here and I apologize for the length…

DH and i were married civially a year prior to being married in the church while I waited for my annulment. During the year of waiting we abstained. We did fail some times but went straight to confession and right back on the straight and narrow. Abstaining was particularily hard for us because we lived togther in sin prior to fileing for the annulment and already had 3 sons together! It was very hard to go from “husband and wife” to “brother and sister” but through God we did, and as of the 19th of this month we have been truly married a year and are welcoming our first baby girl on the 30th of this month!

During the time we were away from the church and living in sin, we periodically would watch porn together as a “warm up/ marital aide” I know it seems crazy now, but at the time, we weren’t religious and def. not thinking about God…we ddint have much support either—his mother even made the suggestion that we begin watching porn to keep us close and spice up our sex life…during this time, 1 particular movie we had watched their was a female with a nice body and DH said IN THE MIDDLE of it…u used to llok like that before our sons…will u ever look like that again or did only your ex husband get to enjoy your body like that. This broke my heart, and I became very VERY withdrawn after this and much more inhibited and i feel our sex life as kinda of suffered sense…fast foward…

we are now more spiritual, and religious, and try to follow the 'rules" as best as we can…I even came off the BC once we started the annulment process and we practice NFP. My husband is an amazing man. My best friend. a good provider. a wonderful father. I love him very much. During the transistion to be more holy, he struggled w masterbation because up to that point we had done it mutually or comminted acts merely for pleasure…oncce we read the literature and prayed on NFP we made a pact to never ever do that. and he nixed it entirely. I was so proud of him and felt so cherished that he had such self control out of love for our marriage. and if ever he felt the “urge” he would come to me and say I think maybe we need to be more intamite because I am having these urges, and i never turned him down because the idea that he would come to me was just so loving it actually put me in the mood…I am ashamed to say though, that it is I who has fallen so grossly into sin. I just can’t seem to get what i want/ need out of our sexual relationship and feel tempted to CONSTANTLY masterbate! I can’t stop thinking about sex. I miss watching porn. I don’t feel satisfied anymore, and I don’t think hubby has a clue. I told him I was feeling frustrated and he was more or less thinking we should just have it more, but its not that. He doesnt understand. I feel so terrible for it as it is but also because I am a FEMALE and this just doesn’t seem normal. I mean there has been a couple days where I am wanting to do it like 2 or 3 times a day. I feel so guilty. I make sure I sleep with hubby whenever I do give in…I guess it makes me feel less guilty, but I still hurt inside afterward. Since becoming so strict in our religion hubby as known me as very conservative toward sex in general…he has no idea the thoughts and struggles I am going through…I don’t think he could fathom them coming from me-- his usual pretty submissive wife…i feel so ashamed. I dont even know where to begin.

Thanks in advance
In Christ,
Nicole

I would first say, do not be so hard on yourself. You acknowledge and understand the things that are wrong. But having four kids, and having been there somewhat with my wife feeling more frisky when pregnant, I can almost guarantee your hormones are raging! This is normal and not your fault. I’d be willing to bet that, human nature being what it is, that the strong sexual urges are bringing back the desire for the porn and masturbation, consciously or sub-consciously.

As someone mentioned earlier, you and your husband can engage in whatever acts you wish, but by church teaching needs to end in intercourse. And while the things you mentioned are sinful, also remember that even the CCC states there may be mitigating circumstances to sins of masturbation; take that into consideration. Doesn;t give you free reign, but may help you feel less guilty.

As a husband, I’d say try to engage your husband in helping you relieve the urges as much as possible in the ways you find it helpful, in the ways you are doing it. Sorry if that is a bit graphic, but better to have your husband help and end in intercourse thatn not.

I will also say, though I’ve caught fire for this before, that there is guidance out there saying the husband should help the wife achieve orgasm if she has not and he has. Thought it was in the CCC, but it was not, so the only other source I’ve ever read was somehting by Christopher West. Trying to find which blasted book it was and as someone skewered me before for - I do believe his books have the impramatur, so I don’t want an earful.

 

[manualman]

What the man said: idiotic. We men often don’t filter thoughts before they exit the mouth. I’m sorry. We’re just that way. My wife has never verbally pined for the days before my bald spot or expressed disgust about how I never used to have a beer belly (in spite of extremely low beer intake, mind you!). But I’m pretty sure she’s thought it occasionally. Who wouldn’t rather have me WITHOUT those things? You have to either forgive him or bury his body deep.

As for your temptations, welcome to the world of every post-puberty male in the world! Repent, confess, pray, repeat. It’s all you can do. Don’t despair, God won’t give up on you.

 

[dailey]

PS Yes, hurtful, and stupid. It was probably a manifestation of his jealousy of your past relationship, which almost all men feel towards their wife’s exs. Men say outrageously stupid things sometimes without thinking first. If it still bothers you (which it must), perhaps bring it up with him. He can’t un-say it, but he can apologise, hopefully realise that he should validate you more as a beautiful woman, and help you both move forward.

I think you hit the nail on the head (manifestation of his jealousy). Dumb, dumb thing to say, regardless.

I think all these feelings you are having is due to your pregnancy. I felt the same way when I was pregnant. Good for you, though, for coming back to Christ!!

 

[Rico_S]

I told him I was feeling frustrated and he was more or less thinking we should just have it more, but its not that. He doesnt understand.

Have you told him basically what you have told us, and he still doesn’t understand? Or have you just been vague about your frustration and he doesn’t get it? It seems your first course of action is to let him know exactly how you are feeling (including the effect his comment had on you). I am pretty confident that he would be more than willing to try and help you in this regard.

 

[AngelEyes4Jesus]

Thank you for all your replies, I hope I can clarify some things in my response.

I have spoken recently in length to my husband about being hurt by what he said and he did in fact aplogize, however I just can’t shake it. I think part of that is because I have put on weight with this pregnancy so i feel even more unattractive. But also the real root of this I think is that I am not satisfied with our love life…without being too explicit we have tried mutual masterbation and the problem is I just can’t seem to “get there” with him in the room!! isn’t that just rediculous??? Its to the point where after 35 mins or so he says ok hun ill just step out for a minute and the second he is in the hall way I can! I know it makes him feel awful. He has told me that he feels terrible about it as a man and a husband and that he feels like he is either doing me an injustice or not living up to his husbandly duty. my hubby is very giving though, and has never denied me or been “lazy” in that area, its got to be something wrong w me…and all i can link it to is that stupid comment because I didnt seem to have prblems before that. Maybe it was the porn to begin with. He had only been w 2 other women ( 1time each ) when he was a teenager and I had only been w my ex husband so we didnt have alot of experience etc and now I feel like after seeing all those naked women he is judging me. I asked him and he said no telling me I was the most beautiful women he had ever seen because of my loyalty to our marriage and the fact that I have given him 3 going on 4 children.

we spoke the other night again about it because i could feel that i really really was going to give in soon and masterbate while he was at work or something and he begged to just let nature take its course, saying lets put the kids to bed, ill draw u a bath, blah blah and when it came down to it I just couldn’t again. I feel so self concious…like I dont want him to see anything. it must be pitch dark. I wont say anything either so I don’t direct him at all. he said how can he improve if he cant see or hear anything!? lol thats a good point. he joked that making love to me is either sterile or like laying with mother theresa since we became more religious…but this hurt me even more.

In Christ,
Nicole

 

[onmyknees]

I used to have these same problems too! I had always masturbated since I was a small child before I came back to church. I had bad thoughts during too so I think I got addicted to this. When I came back to the Church and understood what I was doing was wrong it took me about four years of confessing every week to finally stop. I still get tempted though. I think what helped is to stop focusing on it. Get up out of bed and do something else you love to do. I also started to go to confession once a month so I didn’t dwell on my habit so often. I asked my dh for relations almost every night for quite a while.

I too would sometimes take forever to have an orgasm when with my dh. Not for the same reasons as you but I guess because of my past I needed something more from my dh. This is kind of personal but what works now is I told him to talk to me during relations and be domineering to me. I have heard that other women like this too. This helps most of the time. Also you need to STOP thinking about what your dh said about your body. Think instead of how he thinks you are so sexy and make yourself believe that you are sexy. Because you are! This may be kind of prideful but it really helps. It makes you feel sexy. You just have to replace your thoughts.

 

[Musician]

This is completely normal. You are feeling unattractive right now and that has a huge impact on trying to have an orgasm.
You have come an amazingly long way and you both are to be commended for what you have accomplished.
I would certainly keep trying to attain a mutual satisfaction together if at all possible…and believe it or not, the more frequently you have sex with your husband (and take your time if at all possible), the easier it will be to shed your inhibitions.
Keep praying, it definitely helps.

 

[AngelEyes4Jesus]

Thanks for the advice. I am going to try to talk to my husband again…although I am not sure what else is left to say. I think part of the reason I feel so confused is because I can’t think of any problems in our marriage or relationship that would make me rather have an orgasm by myself then with my best friend

In Christ,
Nicole

 

[Musician]

Thanks for the advice. I am going to try to talk to my husband again…although I am not sure what else is left to say. I think part of the reason I feel so confused is because I can’t think of any problems in our marriage or relationship that would make me rather have an orgasm by myself then with my best friend

In Christ,
Nicole

Because it is easier by yourself (having an orgasm) than having your husband with you…your body image is poor, and that can make you feel inhibited. Then it leads to a cycle of being unable to achieve orgasm during sex.
Again, this is very normal…don’t lose hope, and keep praying. You are on the right path.

 

[Guitardaniel]

God knows what your going throw and he will compensate and promote you for your pain and urge.

 

[TruthAndLuv]

I post on here from time to time, but I should probably do a re-cap since it has been a little while since I have been on here and I apologize for the length…

DH and i were married civially a year prior to being married in the church while I waited for my annulment. During the year of waiting we abstained. We did fail some times but went straight to confession and right back on the straight and narrow. Abstaining was particularily hard for us because we lived togther in sin prior to fileing for the annulment and already had 3 sons together! It was very hard to go from “husband and wife” to “brother and sister” but through God we did, and as of the 19th of this month we have been truly married a year and are welcoming our first baby girl on the 30th of this month!

During the time we were away from the church and living in sin, we periodically would watch porn together as a “warm up/ marital aide” I know it seems crazy now, but at the time, we weren’t religious and def. not thinking about God…we ddint have much support either—his mother even made the suggestion that we begin watching porn to keep us close and spice up our sex life…during this time, 1 particular movie we had watched their was a female with a nice body and DH said IN THE MIDDLE of it…u used to llok like that before our sons…will u ever look like that again or did only your ex husband get to enjoy your body like that. This broke my heart, and I became very VERY withdrawn after this and much more inhibited and i feel our sex life as kinda of suffered sense…fast foward…

we are now more spiritual, and religious, and try to follow the 'rules" as best as we can…I even came off the BC once we started the annulment process and we practice NFP. My husband is an amazing man. My best friend. a good provider. a wonderful father. I love him very much. During the transistion to be more holy, he struggled w masterbation because up to that point we had done it mutually or comminted acts merely for pleasure…oncce we read the literature and prayed on NFP we made a pact to never ever do that. and he nixed it entirely. I was so proud of him and felt so cherished that he had such self control out of love for our marriage. and if ever he felt the “urge” he would come to me and say I think maybe we need to be more intamite because I am having these urges, and i never turned him down because the idea that he would come to me was just so loving it actually put me in the mood…I am ashamed to say though, that it is I who has fallen so grossly into sin. I just can’t seem to get what i want/ need out of our sexual relationship and feel tempted to CONSTANTLY masterbate! I can’t stop thinking about sex. I miss watching porn. I don’t feel satisfied anymore, and I don’t think hubby has a clue. I told him I was feeling frustrated and he was more or less thinking we should just have it more, but its not that. He doesnt understand. I feel so terrible for it as it is but also because I am a FEMALE and this just doesn’t seem normal. I mean there has been a couple days where I am wanting to do it like 2 or 3 times a day. I feel so guilty. I make sure I sleep with hubby whenever I do give in…I guess it makes me feel less guilty, but I still hurt inside afterward. Since becoming so strict in our religion hubby as known me as very conservative toward sex in general…he has no idea the thoughts and struggles I am going through…I don’t think he could fathom them coming from me-- his usual pretty submissive wife…i feel so ashamed. I dont even know where to begin.

Thanks in advance
In Christ,
Nicole

I would suggest looking up Sexaholics Anonymous and S-Anon. Your husband might be a sexaholic and you might be suffering from sexaholism. Good luck.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I would suggest looking up Sexaholics Anonymous and S-Anon. Your husband might be a sexaholic and you might be suffering from sexaholism. Good luck.

She said:

oncce we read the literature and prayed on NFP we made a pact to never ever do that. and he nixed it entirely.

Doesn’t sound like he has much of a problem with that.

 

[UbiCaritas]

This thread is almost 3 years old.