Reconciling Past Abuse from Family and a Religious Vocation

[laina26]

I don’t know who can help me answer this question but here goes…
I was sexually abused when I was 11 years old. I didn’t tell my parents until I was 17 and that’s right around the time when our fights started up. They continued through college and even when I moved back home and lived there for 4 years and worked. During that time from 17-26 I have realized over time that I was emotionally and verbally abused by my parents more so over the last 4 years and I was physically abused by my Father at one point. Don’t ask me why I stayed, I didn’t have the money to move out, I emotionally ate to fill the holes and emotionally spent. I just felt trapped and I have finally found the freedom to move out. I just moved out about three months ago and I’m out of state too.
At any rate someone about a year ago prayed a 54 day novena for God to make it clear for me to know my vocation and about a month an a half later I called this place the very day after they had decided to start a religious order. In other words the board had decided the night before and then I called the next day asking about a religious order starting up. Is that a clear sign? The lady that is starting it doesn’t think so.
At any rate I daily suffer from pain in my heart (burning sensations it feels like) and I sleep a lot, my apartment is a wreck, and I’m suffering from these waves of anger and depression that seem to just come up through me. I can’t stand to go on facebook at all anymore because I see all of these people who are married with kids and seem soo happy. Right now I don’t care what my vocation is I just want to be happy. My friendships have all pretty much collapsed except a few and I know I have to start seeing a therapist to work through these issues.

My two questions are there any other people out there who are in religious vocations and have suffered from abuse in their past? How does it affect your personal life and your vocation? I know I probably should put off discernment till these issues are resolved but how long should I wait before I start looking into religious life again? I know all things work for the good for those who love God but I can’t bring myself to spiritually marry God and hate Him at the same time. I know He didn’t do this to me but He allowed it. He’s allowed my family to be destroyed, my friendships to disintegrate, and for me to wallow in sexual sins for almost 20 years. I feel like Mary Magdalene and I hate it! Please pray for me I don’t know what to do…

 

[Sister_Rose]

I’m so sorry to hear about all you’ve been through. You’ll be in my prayers.
I would recommend that you look for a good therapist/psychologist hopefully one who is a good Catholic too. I think there is a group of some kind for Catholic psychologists. I can’t remember what they are called but someone in Father Benedict Groeschel’s community should know.

I would recommend they be a good Catholic, because many of the things you are struggling with are of a spiritual and religious nature, not just psychological and emotional.

If I were you, I would focus right now on getting the help you need to deal with your struggles and your feelings of anger and hatred for God. Keep praying! I think though that any religious community would want you to have dealt more with these issues before accepting you into religious life. They need to know that you are entering for the right reasons.

 

[MercyMia]

I think entering a religious vocation with a lot of unlearned baggage is a lot like entering a marriage with a lot of baggage. The excitement and bliss of having a clear direction might mask it for a while, but eventually the old feelings will kick in and rear their ugly heads.
So, just ask I would suggest to someone who was contemplating walking down the isle, I will suggest that you seek counseling and get to the gut of the trauma you experienced and come to peace with it in as much as a person can with abuse. The best version of your self you are when you enter the order, the more you can contribute to the success of that order and to all those you encounter.

 

[redrosetea]

I think to sort out your problems first is very good advice…however, God also might use the cross you are carrying to minister to others

I recall Fr Corapi saying to an elderly priest, he had just confessed to ( and these were major sins and it had been decades since he last confessed). he had a vocation. The Priest answered .all things are possible with God…I think he did a wonderful thing in letting FR see he had value to bring to a vocation

We need compassionate people to reach out in love to others ,because they understand their suffering

God bless no matter how it plays out

 

[CarmeliteGirl25]

I agree with all those who have suggested that you seek psychiatric counseling through Catholic therapist. I am very sorry to hear what has happened to you. No one deserves the kind of treatment you received. I would like to post something that I think might help you.

A very wise Carmelite nun known as St. Teresa of Avila once said:

We find that those who bear the greatest trials have walked closest with Christ.

What seems like unfair treatment from God may very well be His way of drawing you closer to Him. He sees your suffering and agony and understands your pain because He experienced the same pain you did by having the people he trusted most crucify Him and put Him to death. I know it feels like no one understands you, but He understands exactly what you are going through. Go to Him and beg Him to help you. I’ve found that the Sacred Heart of Jesus is my true source of consolation when all seems wrong in the world. Ask Him to help you seek forgiveness in Him, for Him, for your family, for the people who abused you, and–most importantly–for yourself. As the Lord’s Prayer says:

…and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us…

Forgiveness is the most important step in recovery. When you find forgiveness, you are able to heal. The hurt may never go away–you may never forget what happened to you–but if you forgive what happened, you will be able to accept the next steps.

I will offer prayers to the Sacred Heart of Jesus for you and those who have committed offenses against you and His Sacred Heart. What hurts you, hurts Jesus as well. God created you and doesn’t want you to suffer.

If, after time in therapy, you find that you are still drawn to religious life, then it would be a better time to pursue a vocation. Find the help you need first, and then take baby steps towards consecrated life.

One last thought from St. Teresa:

Let nothing disturb you; nothing frighten you. All things are passing. God never changes. Patience obtains all things. Nothing is wanting to him who possesses God. God alone suffices.

May God hold you in the palm of His hand and give you His peace. I’m praying for you, dear, and sending you my love.