Reconsidering an Estranged Father

[MrsH]

I ask this question here because I want a Catholic, moral perspective from people who don’t know me, who can read my story objectively.

When I was around 5, my parents got divorced. My parents were always poised against each other, and both operated dysfunctionally: my mother with her hyperbolic language about everything and need to control every situation in her life, and my father with his self-pitying, blame-shifting behavior. All of it gave me a very early start on a life with a guilt complex and feelings of inadequacy.

My mom remarried when I was eight. My stepfather quickly became “Dad” to me as visits from my biological father became less frequent. For a long time, I believed he lost interest in seeing me as often, but I look back and also recall my mom not returning calls and procrastinating, as she did in many aspects of her life. Growing up, my mom went to lengths to “charitably” tell me about how messed up my biological father’s family was, how he was always blaming me for things that went wrong, etc. Meanwhile I also found him self-absorbed and always involving me too intimately in his heartbreak and anger at my mom. As I grew older, it was very easy to believe my biological father was a terrible person and my mother a victim.

This got worse when my mom convinced me to transfer colleges closer to home (I was severely depressed and in crisis, to be fair). My biological father went NUTS. He began hanging up signs asking me to call him. He sent me lengthy letters and emails detailing the extent of my mother’s manipulative behavior, that her relationship with my stepdad overlapped the divorce. At the time, it felt inappropriate and stalker-ish. My mom convinced me to get an order of protection when he showed up at my college campus looking for me. I was convinced he was insane, and I felt that way for almost a decade.

Then I got engaged to my husband. My mother’s worst behavior sprang open. She had always been controlling and over-possessive of me, but her disapproval to a wonderful Catholic man was downright insane. She told lies to people about him. She wouldn’t speak to me. She didn’t come to my wedding and lied to everyone that she hadn’t been invited. She poisoned people against me. Only now that I’m pregnant has she softened a bit.

Perhaps it is carrying my own child that has me somehow seeing it all in a different lens: a desperate man who went to (yes, excessive) lengths to try and get a relationship back with his adult daughter before it was too late. A man who sent me a wedding gift and a note to my husband-- whom he’s never met-- saying to take care of me. I wonder: have I sinned all these years in rejecting him? Was he right that my mother alienated him and turned me against him? Is it too far gone now to rebuild?

I know this sounds dark, but I don’t want to stand before Jesus when I die and see the face of a sad, harrowed man who fought his whole life to get his daughter back. I don’t want the weight of this on my shoulders. And yet, my husband and a few other rational people tell me that my biological father may not have been as bad as my mother painted him but is still “off.”

 

[MrsH]

I was limited by character count, but I can provide more info if it helps.

 

[Irishmom2]

I don’t think you sinned. You were manipulated by your mom for many, many years. Your dad did things out of frustration that he should not have. Your mother seems to have wanted to have control over your life and resorted to some very bad behavior.

It sounds like it might be time to include your dad in your life more. You certainly can apologize for your part in the estrangement without rehashing the past in detail. The veil has been lifted for you about your mom’s behavior, and maybe it is time to reconcile with your dad. He certainly showed more class than your mom did.

 

[Retsel]

Was he right that my mother alienated him and turned me against him?

Sadly, it happens a lot.

You move on, forgive and forget.

 

[mrsdizzyd]

Speaking as someone who only recently reconciled with her father after many years and many obstacles… I think you should hear his side of the story.

Based on what you’ve written, it’s possible that your mother has given you the wrong impression of your father. Now that you are an adult, and you’ve realized that your mother isn’t always truthful, you should form your own conclusions.

No, I don’t see how you have sinned. You believed your mother and acted in the best way you could.

 

[1ke]

have I sinned all these years in rejecting him?

Probably not. Sin requires knowledge and intent. You had no bad intention and you lacked full knowledge. In fact it was kept from you and you were manipulated.

Was he right that my mother alienated him and turned me against him?

Probably.

Is it too far gone now to rebuild?

It’s never too late until one of you is dead.

And yet, my husband and a few other rational people tell me that my biological father may not have been as bad as my mother painted him but is still “off.”

Well you won’t know until you try. Small steps. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

Only now that I’m pregnant has she softened a bit.

Red flag— look out for manipulative, controlling grandma behavior on the horizon.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

You likely didn’t sin, as you were a child/ teen/ young person caught between three adults in a situation you didn’t choose to be in. In that situation, it’s normal to just follow the lead of the person you depend on/have to live with daily. It’s also obvious that neither of your parents behaved appropriately towards you regarding their divorce.

If you’d like to try to build bridges with your dad, it’s likely not too late. However, be careful that you don’t have too high expectations of him. Often when a parent has been out of a child’s life for years, the child might have some idealized idea of how the parent will behave when they get together again. Often the parent will fail to live up to that in some way. You’ll probably have to accept that your dad has some “warts” and he might let you down. So be prepared to be patient with him if that happens.

 

[CRV]

I wonder: have I sinned all these years in rejecting him?

Honestly, I don’t know. On one hand it seems to me that you made your decsions based on what you believed to be the truth and was the right thing to do. On the other hand, we are to always honor our parents. Personally, I think for your sake, it might be good to make an appointment to see your parish priest and tell him all that you wrote in your opening post and ask if there is anything you should confess. (You may be healed from this too, and not just forgiveness of any guilt to the extent that any sin occurred if he recommends confession.)

As you’ve discovered, there’s two sides to every story. But, sadly, it usually is only once we are adults and are in similar place in life, that we reflect and see things differently.

My parents divorced too. My mother stopped my father from having contact with me, including any birthday cards that arrived at the house, and I’m sure one time I saw him in our old car drive past our house, and another time at my mothers work. Until one year, I got home and checked the mail first and discovered a card - for my 18th birthday. My mother and I discussed this and it was acknowledged that wrong was done, but at the time she believed it was best to allow me to settle and there was a part of “hitting back for the hurt too”. I remember saying to my mother that I was used as a weapon.

I reconciled with my father when I was 5 months pregnant with my first. I’d been my fathers shadow when little and had never given up hope or lost my love for him. (My dad left my mother and divorced her, but he was still my dad and my relationship with him was separate to the relationship between them).

Contact was maintained for the next 4yrs and 4 months, until he died. I still have a treasured poem he wrote me.

A man who sent me a wedding gift and a note to my husband-- whom he’s never met-- saying to take care of me.

Obviously he still thinks about you often and still loves and cares for you deeply, despite the distance, lack of contact/relationship between you. I’d say it’s not too late to re-establish contact.

Whilst people going through a divorce may feel the other party doesn’t have any right to see the children, never forget it’s the childrens’ right to see their parent, and have a relationship with them (in normal circumstances obviously excluding abuse/violence etc.).

It’d be up to you as to what, how often and in what form any contact occurs. It may be just visits at Christmas and birthdays and holidays, or maybe just correspondence with letters, poems, phone calls, photos of you and your family (especially any grandchildren) sent regularly.

Just my thoughts, so feel free to take any of it or none of it.

 

[Irishmom2]

They are good thoughts, @CRV, and coming from your own similar experience, they would seem to be very helpful.