Reconsidering the Value of Chastity

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Sirach14

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Author of this commentary says:
  1. chastity brings respect.
  2. chastity sets us free.
  3. chastity gives us a measure of safety.
Allow me to interject a negatve comment. In all my years I have never met a Catholic couple who were not sleeping together, or living together, before marriage.
I have never met a priest that thought this was a big deal. Nothing said, nothing lost.

washingtontimes.com/commentary/20040724-105246-5663r.htm
 
I’m very sorry to hear that you have never met a Catholic couple who lived chastely (and apart) prior to marriage.

Allow me to introduce myself 😉

My husband and I have been married for almost a year–our anniversary is in August–and we neither lived together nor slept together prior to marrying. We were 23 years old when we entered into the covenant of marriage.

When my lease ran out about a month before our marriage, we timed it so I could move (alone) into our future home to continue waiting. My husband, whose lease also expired, moved out of HIS apartment and into his parents’ home for the remaining time.

The gift of coming together after all the waiting was an absolute joy. I don’t regret living out our faith whatsoever! It wasn’t always easy, but it was always worth it.

We received a lot of persecution for doing what we did–his family, for instance, couldn’t believe we weren’t going to “just live together” a month before being married—“what’s the difference?”–they asked. His younger sister is now living with her boyfriend IN his parents house–they are also travelling to Italy together for several months (soon) as a gift from my husband’s parents. When they return, my husband’s parents have agreed to fund an apartment for the two of them to live in, together, as they finish up their last semester of school. Unbelievable.

I don’t begrudge my sister-in-law and her boyfriend the generosity–even though my in-laws were NOT generous with the two of us, as they despised the morality my husband and I insisted upon living out. I am just sad that my husband’s parents refuse to instill upon his sisters the importance of living chastely. As my husband says–“I would rather we struggle alongside Jesus, then live comfortably in sin.”
 
I came of age in the first generation of the sexual revolution so my friends and I are now grandparents, and we have the benefit of our own and our children’s experience. I know plenty of couples in all age groups who did not cohabit before marriage, I know many more that did. bottom line, and I also have plenty of data through professional work, divorce rate among couples who “did it” before marriage is astronomical, because these are also couples who contracepted. Even among those still nominally living together, because of too early sexual activity, and making sex the all important and only important dimension of being together, loss of true intimacy and communication resulted, so even those still together are living in a state of profound loneliness. Divorce rate in my generation, of couples married 30 years or longer, is staggering, and directly linked to pre-marital sex and contraception, which distorted the relationship from the beginning. Premarital chastity and openness to children are no guarantee, but the numbers are there. What about all those priests who failed in their duty to teach us the truth, that immoral activity is wrong because it will lead to unhappiness, that is, the state of living contrary to God’s will for us. I remember being advised to “shop” for a parish where you could confess to contraception and get a “pass” from the priest. They lied to us.
 
If I recall correctly, 60% of the approx. 50% divorced couples lived together before marriage. I have also heard 80% of cohabitating couples end up divorced within 5 (or 10?) years. I don’t have the sources with me (newspaper articles). But the conclusions were always the same: living together before marriage is one of the best ways to increase chances of divorce.

To me it’s simple. What’s the one thing your are 100% absolutely certain of about your live-in partner? You know that person will sleep/live with someone they are not married to. In other words, marriage is not important. How can you possibly build a lasting relationship on that?

Too many people think “living together” and being married are the “same thing”. I seriously doubt it. At least not a true lasting marriage with compromises, respect for your spouse, and honesty.
 
The value of chastity is very important. It can earn you both respect from God to resist evil temptations and respect from your peers for standing up for what you believe in. It can also help you with your self-esteem. If you make a commitment, and you live out the commitment, you will feel much better about yourself.
 
TO PRICESS ABBEY:

I APPLAUD YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND FOR HAVING THE WHEREWITHALL AND COURAGE TO WITHSTAND THE ABUSE YOU ENCOUNTERED WHILE TRYING TO LIVE OUT THE LIFE JESUS CALLS US ALL TO!! :clapping:
HOW WONDERFUL TO HAVE A GUY THESE DAYS WANT TO GO THAT ROUTE! AND HOW REFRESHING!
I ONLY WISH SOMEONE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN TO ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG. I WISH I WOULD’VE BEEN OPEN TO IT AT THAT TIME IN MY LIFE!

IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL IF ALL SINGLE PEOPLE COULD BE OPEN TO THIS TEACHING. I AM STRUGGLING TO TEACH MY 17 YEAR OLD SON ABOUT THIS VERY ISSUE. IT’S DIFFICULT BECAUSE HE’S NOT REALLY INTERESTED RIGHT NOW IN LEARNING ABOUT HIS FAITH - BUT I KEEP PUSHING!

CONGRATULATIONS! WHAT A WONDERFUL AND SPIRITUAL FAMILY YOU WILL HAVE! GLORY IN IT!
IT’S SOMETHING I LONG FOR!
 
I know couples who were sleeping together but decided to “do the right thing” and stopped and didn’t move in together until after the wedding. Sometimes “too late to change” is relative. People who do make the change often report that it has enhanced their relationship. http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon14.gif

Same goes for contraception or other sexual variants from the Catholic norm. We weren’t Catholic at the time but stopped doing THAT early in our marriage. Best day of our lives.

It is true that young Catholic couples in pre-Cana nearly all share the same phone number. But I still know a couple of priests who deplore the situation.
 
We did the Engaged Encounter last year and out of many 12 couples only one of them was cohabitating. The priest, the facilitators and a few of us particpants explained to the whole group why cohabitation was wrong.
 
DianJo–Thank you for your encouragement 🙂 Sometimes it’s rough when so few people validate our choices, moral though they may be. I guess it’s true that we really have to live for God’s approval–not human approval. It has been a tough road–we have ceased to have a relationship with his parents, on the advice of our Catholic therapist–as they became more and more abusive about a variety of our personal decisions–NFP, when and where to start/raise a family, my being a stay-at-home wife, dictating how we should live our lives, belittling our Catholic faith in general…we’ve come to realize they have a lack of boundaries and the only way to cope with the emotional abuse, at this time, is to withdraw our contact from them.

So, your kind words are very appreciated! 🙂 We pray that one day we WILL have a huge family full of little ones who love the Lord!

As for your son–does your parish have a Catholic men’s group? A men-only bible study? I have seen these be absolutely instrumental in the faith formation of a masculine spirituality–helping a man to become the spiritual leader he will one day need to be for his family. But, your son is only 17…so maybe even facilitating his involvement in youth group might be helpful. Meeting peers who will likely become his friends and positively influence him in good choices…helping him see that there are other options besides the cheapness our world offers to us. Also–if he plans to go to college, help him research ones with good Newman Centers (at public schools) or SOLID, faithful Catholic universities.

I will keep your family in my prayers!
🙂 God Bless, Abby
 
My husband and I abstained:) Though neither one of us where virgins and I myself had lived with someone before:( We would laugh thinking that we ended up being engaged longer than we knew each other. Knew eachother for 6 months engaged for 8 :o
I can say that God is blessing us in ways that bring so much joy to our marriage I am still overwhelemed sometimes.

I am so happy to believe in a God that forgives and blesses:)

Never give up hope :angel1: :gopray2:
 
I have been to 2 weddings where the bride and groom have not know each other intimately both were Traditional weddings. I can only tell you that both were overwhelming. The air was electrified. To sit there and witness 2 people whoses love was so pure that it required God’s blessing - as a mere spectator the feeling was so intense it was exciting. It is my wish that all could experience this kind of love and devotion. - Which I might add comes from love and devotion of God first.
 
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Mandi:
I have been to 2 weddings where the bride and groom have not know each other intimately both were Traditional weddings. I can only tell you that both were overwhelming.
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And there was rubber laid down in the parking lot after the cake was cut, too. 😉
 
And there was rubber laid down in the parking lot after the cake was cut, too.
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Lol. I’ve been thinking about this lately. If I ever get married, I doubt my wife and I will spend much time actually at the reception. I GUARANTEE those final few days until the wedding I’ll be extremely…um…“distracted.”
 
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Sirach14:
Author of this commentary says:
  1. chastity brings respect.
  2. chastity sets us free.
  3. chastity gives us a measure of safety.
Allow me to interject a negatve comment. In all my years I have never met a Catholic couple who were not sleeping together, or living together, before marriage.
I have never met a priest that thought this was a big deal. Nothing said, nothing lost.

washingtontimes.com/commentary/20040724-105246-5663r.htm
Click to expand...
Just because many people fail to practice chastity does not diminish its value. We wouldn’t say that about excercise or a healhy diet.
 
Pray to the Blessed Mother for an increase in the virtue of chastity. Many of us have fallen prey to the culture, the sexual revolution, watered-down-Jesus loves you no matter what you do-homilies. So many Catholics who faithfully attend Mass really don’t even believe the Church still teaches chastity.

I was one of those who got distracted from the truth. Thanks be to God that is no longer true. Understanding the virtue of chastity is so much more than just “not having sex.”

I recommend you listed to Christopher West’s teaching on John Paul II’s Theology of the Body - giftfoundation.org

I now feel like those who are having premarital sex/cohabitating are missing out. The culture tells you that single people not having sex are missing out. It’s not true. Growing in virtue is where it’s at – single or married - the pearl of great price!!!
 
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