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A recent analysis shows 25% of 40-year-olds in the U.S. have never been married — a record high — and may indicate “the closing of the American heart,” according to W. Bradford Wilcox, a sociologist at the University of Virginia and director of the National Marriage Project.
“More and more Americans are headed toward a kinless future, without either a spouse or children of their own,” Wilcox told OSV News. “This particular statistic … is just one more manifestation of the fact that fewer adults are putting a ring on it.”
… The statistics matter because of the relationship between marriage and happiness, Wilcox said. “In general, folks who are married are about twice as likely to be very happy with their lives compared to their unmarried peers,” he said. “Married folks tend to be more financially secure, less lonely (and) report more meaningful lives.”
The rising number of never-married 40-year-olds reflects the cultural emphasis on delaying or forgoing marriage in one’s 20s to focus instead on education, work or recreation, Wilcox said. However, he added, “I think it’s very unwise for 20-somethings to be kind of indifferent towards their family future,” which is the subject of his forthcoming book, “Get Married,” anticipated from HarperCollins in February 2024.
“Marriage and family are just enormously important for Americans today,” he said, “and yet there’s a kind of cultural ignorance out there about the value of marriage, vis-à-vis the other kinds of goals that tend to get more attention — goals like money, a good job, having enough time on the weekends or the evenings to do what you want to do. To have that freedom for fun things, but not recognizing that for most of us, having a spouse, having children, having eventually grandchildren, end up being a lot more important than the size of our bank account or the prestige or stimulation of our job.”
…Religious adults are more likely to be dating and marrying, Wilcox said. And while that’s good news, he’s also seeing a rising number of adults, including Catholics, who are single and yet wish to be married.
“Because of the demographic trends and cultural trends unfolding in the country at large, we can expect, at least for the next decade or so,” he said, “that there are going to be a lot of young adults today, including in the church, who won’t find a spouse and who won’t have children.”
Among single Catholics, Northrop, 46, sees men and women who are interested in marriage but haven’t found a spouse, and others who aren’t interested in marriage. She said key reasons Catholics aren’t marrying include making a career core to one’s identity, which also can make motherhood appear unfulfilling for women; a desire for one’s own comfort and protection from a broken heart; the availability of sexual intimacy outside of marriage; pervasive individualism; commodification of the person through the perception of endless or unrealistic choices for partners, exacerbated by dating apps; and the idea that relationships shouldn’t require sacrifice or struggle.
Northrop, who is single, founded the National Catholic Singles Conference in 2005 to help single Catholics receive faith formation, socialize and seek holiness in their state of life. This year’s conference, the National Conference for Single Catholics, is Aug. 25-27 in Plymouth, Michigan, and online.
The upshot to the rising number of never-married 40-year-olds may mean that for the 40-year-old single, “there’s other people in the same boat” and “there’s hope you can actually find somebody,” she said.
“The key is that we need to maybe shift our expectations about who we’re looking for (and) make sure we have the right items on our checklist, and our checklist shouldn’t be too long,” she said. “If we look at it as far as encountering a person like, who is this unique individual made in the image and likeness of God — this unrepeatable person — instead of saying, ‘Alright, I’m going to talk to this person for five minutes and, oh well, I don’t feel a lot of fireworks, so I’ll move on.'”
Meanwhile, the church needs to do a better job at helping singles of different ages feel like they belong in parish life, whether or not they want to marry, Northrop said. She recommends single Catholics not wait for their parish or diocese to provide single-focused events, but instead work to build community and share their gifts.
“We are all called to love. We’re made with the vocation to love. We are all called to holiness,” she said. “I always encourage people that are single to work on yourself and your own healing and growth, and becoming who you were created to be.”
“More and more Americans are headed toward a kinless future, without either a spouse or children of their own,” Wilcox told OSV News. “This particular statistic … is just one more manifestation of the fact that fewer adults are putting a ring on it.”
… The statistics matter because of the relationship between marriage and happiness, Wilcox said. “In general, folks who are married are about twice as likely to be very happy with their lives compared to their unmarried peers,” he said. “Married folks tend to be more financially secure, less lonely (and) report more meaningful lives.”
The rising number of never-married 40-year-olds reflects the cultural emphasis on delaying or forgoing marriage in one’s 20s to focus instead on education, work or recreation, Wilcox said. However, he added, “I think it’s very unwise for 20-somethings to be kind of indifferent towards their family future,” which is the subject of his forthcoming book, “Get Married,” anticipated from HarperCollins in February 2024.
“Marriage and family are just enormously important for Americans today,” he said, “and yet there’s a kind of cultural ignorance out there about the value of marriage, vis-à-vis the other kinds of goals that tend to get more attention — goals like money, a good job, having enough time on the weekends or the evenings to do what you want to do. To have that freedom for fun things, but not recognizing that for most of us, having a spouse, having children, having eventually grandchildren, end up being a lot more important than the size of our bank account or the prestige or stimulation of our job.”
…Religious adults are more likely to be dating and marrying, Wilcox said. And while that’s good news, he’s also seeing a rising number of adults, including Catholics, who are single and yet wish to be married.
“Because of the demographic trends and cultural trends unfolding in the country at large, we can expect, at least for the next decade or so,” he said, “that there are going to be a lot of young adults today, including in the church, who won’t find a spouse and who won’t have children.”
Among single Catholics, Northrop, 46, sees men and women who are interested in marriage but haven’t found a spouse, and others who aren’t interested in marriage. She said key reasons Catholics aren’t marrying include making a career core to one’s identity, which also can make motherhood appear unfulfilling for women; a desire for one’s own comfort and protection from a broken heart; the availability of sexual intimacy outside of marriage; pervasive individualism; commodification of the person through the perception of endless or unrealistic choices for partners, exacerbated by dating apps; and the idea that relationships shouldn’t require sacrifice or struggle.
Northrop, who is single, founded the National Catholic Singles Conference in 2005 to help single Catholics receive faith formation, socialize and seek holiness in their state of life. This year’s conference, the National Conference for Single Catholics, is Aug. 25-27 in Plymouth, Michigan, and online.
The upshot to the rising number of never-married 40-year-olds may mean that for the 40-year-old single, “there’s other people in the same boat” and “there’s hope you can actually find somebody,” she said.
“The key is that we need to maybe shift our expectations about who we’re looking for (and) make sure we have the right items on our checklist, and our checklist shouldn’t be too long,” she said. “If we look at it as far as encountering a person like, who is this unique individual made in the image and likeness of God — this unrepeatable person — instead of saying, ‘Alright, I’m going to talk to this person for five minutes and, oh well, I don’t feel a lot of fireworks, so I’ll move on.'”
Meanwhile, the church needs to do a better job at helping singles of different ages feel like they belong in parish life, whether or not they want to marry, Northrop said. She recommends single Catholics not wait for their parish or diocese to provide single-focused events, but instead work to build community and share their gifts.
“We are all called to love. We’re made with the vocation to love. We are all called to holiness,” she said. “I always encourage people that are single to work on yourself and your own healing and growth, and becoming who you were created to be.”