Relationship Advice: Bridge or Break

  • Thread starter Thread starter Sky365dt
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

Sky365dt

Guest
Hello All,
I’m trying to decide what to do, i.e whether to break up or not. I’ve spent a lot of time in prayer on this topic and I still feel very mixed about it.
So, with this being said I think it would be helpful to give some background. My girlfriend and I met during a class project in January. We began as friends and let our relationship build from there. At this time I was talking to a lot of different people at the college we both attend and for some reason I felt drawn to her, despite her not being the only girl of interest at the time.
Here’s a point where I want to be careful, as I in no way blame her for this entirely, but we ended up kissing. From here we progressed to more passionate kissing and then into making out. At this point I was uncomfortable but I went along with it. I do not find this okay but I will admit to my own voluntary role in this situation and I do plan to go to confession. It was at this point I realized and was brought to my senses that there was still a lot to learn about my girlfriend, especially before this behavior.
After the university closed, we waited two weeks, and then I went to stay at her house a couple of days (they had a boyfriend suite in the basement). Before this, I attempted to bring up the topic of chastity I realized that she had a different viewpoint than I did about what is acceptable (i.e that passionate kissing was still chaste). I brought up that the next time we see each other we should not make out so as to avoid sensitive situations and she agreed. With all this in mind, I have realized in the time that I have spent with her that there are some specific traits that I’m not sure I am going to be able to deal with. In this, I’m not sure if my feelings are warranted or justified and this is largely why I am asking for advice. So as the last 2-3 months have progressed (we knew each other roughly 7 weeks before dating) I have realized there is a large gap in intelligence between the two of us. First of all, the intelligence gap is something that I’m not sure is an acceptable dealbreaker. She has told me before that she is self-conscious about this and she clearly feels that this is something she wishes she could change and it is not something I hold against her. The major problem is that when there is a problem, she shuts down and will be very hard to talk to even if the problem is minor. This is something that I’m not sure I can ever deal with and I grew up with my parents facing a very similar problem and not dealing with it very well. I am afraid of traveling the same path.
At the same time, I really do not want to hurt my girlfriend. She is a very sweet and considerate person. She has told me that I am very important to her and has already strongly implied wanting to talk about our future. My position is not the same, I feel as though I’m very aversive to this at the moment.
I myself am again, not sure about where to go here. I’m worried about her, and I’m also worried that I’m making a mountain out of a molehill.
I am looking for some advice, I know this was a large amount to take in and I appreciate your time, prayers, and words.
 
Sky365dt said:
First of all, the intelligence gap is something that I’m not sure is an acceptable dealbreaker.
Click to expand...
I guess it could be. I feel like this tends to matter more for educated women though. But if you’re someone who expects stimulating conversation from your spouse you might not want to marry someone who can’t provide that.

That said, sometimes it’s more important how you get on together than how high your IQ is.

What I’m reading from your post though, is that you have a lot of conflicting feelings on this. If I were you I’d maybe give it more time before making any kind of decision. Maybe get to know her a little better and have some of those discussions about the potential future to see if you’re both on the same page. But if your mixed feelings don’t subside then I would consider breaking up.
 
How do you two get along aside from the intelligence issue? I think personality is much more important and that a wide range of IQs can work in a relationship.

I think there are a couple of questions I see here: the issue of her “shutting down” over even minor problems, and the resemblance to your parents’ relationship.

The first might be one which could be dealt with. For example, if she feels self-conscious about her intelligence in comparison to yours, you could be gentle and reassuring. Or if she has trouble with the pressure, perhaps waiting to discuss something further, until she has relaxed or had time to process what she thinks, might help. Etc.

With regards to the resemblance with your parents’ relationship, if that is not a model you wish to emulate then you should consider very deeply why you are attracted to someone who allows you to play out the same dynamics. Sometimes people set themselves up in a situation similar to a distressing experience in an attempt to fix the problem.

I think you might need to understand more about your relationship with this girl to decide what to do.
 
Sky365dt said:
First of all, the intelligence gap is something that I’m not sure is an acceptable dealbreaker. She has told me before that she is self-conscious about this and she clearly feels that this is something she wishes she could change and it is not something I hold against her.
Click to expand...
I going to be a Negative Nellie here and caution you against getting seriously/romantically involved with a woman when there is an intelligence gap between you.

Be careful now–she may not be “book-smart” but perhaps she is intelligent in other areas? e.g., making a home (it’s not as easy as just popping two Lean Cuisines in the microwave every evening!)? Or is she really good with babies and children? Or how about gardening–can she make a dry stick grow into a flowering plant that produces enough veges to feed a city? (My mother could!)

But if there is truly a gap in intelligence between two people, it gets very difficult to maintain a positive relationship through the years and decades. I know firsthand because my brother-in-law and sister-in-law are in this situation. He has two doctoral degrees, started a company in the Silicon Valley that netted a lot money, changed careers and is now a patent lawyer (ka =ching!), and is comfortable discussing almost any subject in depth.

She graduated from high school. Tried to do a junior college, but couldn’t handle the pressure. Tried over and over to find a job, but couldn’t do the work. Now she sells jewelry, but it’s not profitable, it’s just a hobby that gives her the opportunity to travel to the annual conventions. She has not done well raising children, as she doesn’t seem to have the energy.

And the marriage is very shaky–I think they stay together because both of them know that she would be helpless without him to support her.

My husband and I are both intelligent, he more so than me (he’s what’s called a Renaissance Man–good at everything!) He’s the scientist/computer geek, but I also work in a scientific field (hospital lab). Both of us are musical, but I’m the one who actually plays (piano/organ) at a level high enough to earn money doing it. We have separate and common interests.

We get along well. I am definitely the dreamer, but I am also very practical and I have a lot of patience for his parents who suffer from many infirmities, while my husband just gets upset, probably because he remembers them in their prime.

We talk a lot about many topics–that’s something that our brother-in-law and sister-in-law can’t and don’t do.

I’m telling you all this so that you will take a hard look at your relationship and decide if it’s something that you can do for 40, 50, 60, 70 years. My husband and I have been married for 40 years, and dated for six years before marrying, and we are still fascinated with each other and feel that there is much to accomplish in our marriage and lives! Will you feel that way with this girl? Even after the physical attraction wanes and becomes a hum rather than a symphony?
 
Sky365dt said:
The major problem is that when there is a problem, she shuts down and will be very hard to talk to even if the problem is minor. This is something that I’m not sure I can ever deal with and I grew up with my parents facing a very similar problem and not dealing with it very well. I am afraid of traveling the same path.
Click to expand...
I believe this is the real stumbling block here. This is not something that can be learned necessarily. This is something that can really cause problems in a marriage. Frustration, anger, feelings of hopelessness and isolation. This, to me, is more important than the education difference factor. Plenty of people marry with “unequal” degrees, but they balance out because the couples communication is complete and they each bring different skills to the table. They have things in common and are able to communicate about problems in life and find solutions.

As others have mentioned, is this something you want to deal with for the rest of your life? How would this play out if children were involved? Shutting down is not an option when you have children.

Too many people think they can change someone, or that the other person will change somehow after marriage. But you really need to ask yourself if this person stayed as they are, is this something you are willing to live with?

We meet many nice people in our lives whose feelings we do not want to hurt. But that doesn’t mean we should marry them.

Only you can decide. She may try harder to connect if you mention this to her. But it won’t last most likely.
 
You aren’t making a mountain out of a mole hill. Your deal breakers are your deal breakers. They’re not anybody else’s. So it doesn’t matter what would be a dealbreaker for someone else, it only matters what is a dealbreaker for you.

If these are things that you do not feel comfortable with, and you do not see a future, then you have your answer. Discernment is the whole point of dating, and if you have discerned that she’s not right for you then dating has actually done it’s job. So there is nothing to feel bad about.

I’m sure she is quite nice, and now you have learned why keeping both a physical and emotional intimacy distance is important. Because when you leap ahead into intimate situations, it makes it more difficult to be objective and to end things when you know you should.

I’m sure she is a good person, it’s troubling that she is put all her eggs in your basket as far as expressing to you this level of need so early on in your relationship. You cannot let that sort of emotional appeal sway you from doing what you know you need to do. Prolonging it doesn’t make it any better and may make it worse.
 
A gap in intelligence can be no big deal…if the smarter person is still able to respect his partner. But if it’s a problem for you now, it will only get worse. This and your girlfriend’s difficulty in dealing with problems sound like dealbreakers to me.

If you agree, you should end things now. The least kind action you could take would be to lead your girlfriend on.
 
To be honest it sounds as though you are not that into her and are asking permission to call it quits…if you can’t see yourself spending your life with her, let her down gently and stop wasting her time…
 
I think saying he is “wasting her time” is a bit harsh. He had to date her to decide if he liked her or not. And now he is at a point where he is discerning whether to continue or not.
 
No woman deserves a man who thinks/says he is more intelligent than she. Stop stringing her along, end it and let her find someone who appreciates her.
 
There is an intelligence gap in that class you were in together and worked on the project together? Or in a general IQ level? You both got accepted to the same college right? How big is this “gap”?

I’m solidly in the camp of you ending a relationship that isn’t equally yoked intellectually and morally. You seem to have discerned that you are not matched in either category with her.
 
Peeps said:
And the marriage is very shaky–I think they stay together because both of them know that she would be helpless without him to support her.
Click to expand...
I’m not sure lack of “intelligence” is the problem there. In any case, I’d weight motivation and ability to actually DO stuff higher than intelligence.
 
I agree. And if they are at the same university, it can’t be a significant difference.
 
Mate, passionate kissing is a mortal sin. Stay far away from it, do whatever it takes to do so, no matter the cost. Remember the words of Our Lord.
 
Thanks everyone for the advice, it was very much appreciated. I think the discernment process of this relationship has gotten a lot clearer in the past few days with everyone’s thoughts. I plan on giving things a little more time and learning a little more about the situation. That being said, I’m going to pay significant attention to being chaste and also to how problems are dealt with. These two things are for sure my dealbreakers, regardless of how I feel in the situation. At this moment I am leaning toward breaking up with her, but I also do not want to rush and make a decision before more thoroughly assessing the problems.
Also, she is going through a hard time at the moment and I’m not sure how it would affect her so it might not be a great time.
 
The intelligence gap can be a breaker, when we are not humble.

Dealing with people less formally educated than you, can be a very good experience. My girlfriend, for instance, came from a much less educated and poorer family than mine. In the end, it was I who ended up learning from her. At the time we began dating, I couldn’t see how someone with less academic knowledge could teach me anything. The thing is, I knew nothing about the real world, everything I believe to be important (academic titles, books read and be part of “intelectual elite”) was vain because of Why I chased it. She taugh me so many things far more relevant: loving my parents, empathy and the joy of being happy to make other people happy (she in particular).
 
Last edited:
The mentioned helpless woman should learn to be independent and stand on her own to feet, codependency is the worse addiction.
 
Zumnupy,

I definitely understand where you are coming from. I can indeed acknowledge that there are things that people from different backgrounds can teach us. My girlfriend has a lot of different things that she is more knowledgeable about than I am. My main worries inside the topic of intelligence are me not being the person that can fully appreciate her for the beautiful woman she is and also not being the person that will be able to help her grow in her spiritual life while also growing myself. I have just noticed from spending time praying with her that she focuses on a lot of things I personally find attritional and exhausting (more formal prayers) where I would mainly focus on spiritual reading and silent prayer and discussion with others. I absolutely do see the value in more formal prayers, since they have helped me through some hard times, but they are not where I find my growth. In this, we seem to have some significant differences.
 
I definitely see this issue as the main stumbling block as well, seeing as how it has so many implications for other aspects of life. From what I have observed, her whole family is generally very emotional even in minor situations and they at the same time internalize a lot of hurt that only comes up later. I personally find this very dangerous and it is very hard for me to deal with. If there is a problem, I like to start dealing with it right away, not let it fester for hours or even days. The main problem is that when you only see each other every other weekend like we do at the moment, it is very hard to tell if there is anything that can be done about this and it is difficult to observe if her reactions to problems are different for other situations. Another difficulty at the moment is that even though we were friends for about a month and a half before dating, we were not completely chaste in the beginning of our dating as far as passionate kissing goes and it has definitely clouded both of are judgements up until now. There is physical attraction and emotional attraction but the intellectual attraction has not been nurtured in the proper way. We have both agreed to take a step back and try to foster it but I am not sure how it is going to work.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top