Relationship advice. Help!

[padrepio_2012]

Hey all. This is my first post on here, so sorry if its not in the right section. But basically, I need relationship advice. Im a 20 year old college sophomore. 3 years ago, I met this wonderful girl at my job and we became friends. a year later, I asked her on a date and from there a 2 &1/2 relationship blossomed. Not to say that there weren’t issues: we did cut it off a couple times, mostly because I was selfish and wanted to see other people, which she did too. But we always ended up getting back together. I found out early on she wasn’t Catholic, but since she was my first steady relationship, I didn’t give much thought to that fact because I didn’t know what to look for in a good future wife.

All was well, until about a year into our relationship when I started to become sexually “tense”, probably from dating for a while and not being able to get married yet and 'let it out". As a result, I fell into the sins of masturbation and pornography, which im still battling to this day, but am improving at greatly. These sins made me incredibly selfish and self centered though, as you can imagine, and I started making our relationship revolve around me and my wants. I even started asking my girlfriend to do impure acts with me, which she didn’t want to do, but we sometimes did do them. She eventually converted to the Faith, although this made me uneasy because I was afraid she did it just for me. Eventually, strengthened by the Faith and fear of going to confession and having to say that stuff, my girlfriend refused to do impure acts and this caused a lot of fighting. I even contacted an ex girlfriend and visited her, having bad intentions, but nothing came of it thank God. I felt great remorse and told my girlfriend the next day and she forgave me. However, she began to become unhappy and I didn’t notice because the world revolved around me, me, me. She eventually disclosed to me that she no longer had the desire to kiss me, but was still physically attracted to me.

I didn’t see the warning signs still. a couple of days ago, she broke up with me, for good she says, because she said lied to me. she mostly became Catholic for me and said it wasn’t “for her,” She also said that a week ago, she visited a guys house and was kissing him, and hid this from me for a week. she told me she needs to be alone and find herself. so my question is, what do I do? I thought she was the one and we talked about getting engaged soon, but now this. my family tells me to move on because if she cheated, then she’d do it again and doesn’t care about me, but I did the same thing without the physical stuff. She has never cheated on boyfriends in the past, but im still not sure if I can trust her yet. Ive been giving her room and haven’t contacted her, but im scared. Should I pursue her still, or move on? thanks for your help and time

 

[Lou2U]

I think you should take a break from dating. You need to deal with your own issues before entering another relationship, because it’s unfair to the girl.

I don’t think you should continue to pursue your ex. Your relationship obviously had problems and I think both of you sound quite immature in wanting to date others and pushing boundaries you know you shouldn’t have. Until you can fully commit yourself to a chaste relationship (as your beliefs say you should) you shouldn’t date anyone. You can’t be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust.

Remember: you’re only twenty. You’ve got plenty of time to find the right one.

Lou

 

[angell1]

Hey all. This is my first post on here, so sorry if its not in the right section. But basically, I need relationship advice. Im a 20 year old college sophomore. 3 years ago, I met this wonderful girl at my job and we became friends. a year later, I asked her on a date and from there a 2 &1/2 relationship blossomed. Not to say that there weren’t issues: we did cut it off a couple times, mostly because I was selfish and wanted to see other people, which she did too. But we always ended up getting back together. I found out early on she wasn’t Catholic, but since she was my first steady relationship, I didn’t give much thought to that fact because I didn’t know what to look for in a good future wife.

All was well, until about a year into our relationship when I started to become sexually “tense”, probably from dating for a while and not being able to get married yet and 'let it out". As a result, I fell into the sins of masturbation and pornography, which im still battling to this day, but am improving at greatly. These sins made me incredibly selfish and self centered though, as you can imagine, and I started making our relationship revolve around me and my wants. I even started asking my girlfriend to do impure acts with me, which she didn’t want to do, but we sometimes did do them. She eventually converted to the Faith, although this made me uneasy because I was afraid she did it just for me. Eventually, strengthened by the Faith and fear of going to confession and having to say that stuff, my girlfriend refused to do impure acts and this caused a lot of fighting. I even contacted an ex girlfriend and visited her, having bad intentions, but nothing came of it thank God. I felt great remorse and told my girlfriend the next day and she forgave me. However, she began to become unhappy and I didn’t notice because the world revolved around me, me, me. She eventually disclosed to me that she no longer had the desire to kiss me, but was still physically attracted to me.

I didn’t see the warning signs still. a couple of days ago, she broke up with me, for good she says, because she said lied to me. she mostly became Catholic for me and said it wasn’t “for her,” She also said that a week ago, she visited a guys house and was kissing him, and hid this from me for a week. she told me she needs to be alone and find herself. so my question is, what do I do? I thought she was the one and we talked about getting engaged soon, but now this. my family tells me to move on because if she cheated, then she’d do it again and doesn’t care about me, but I did the same thing without the physical stuff. She has never cheated on boyfriends in the past, but im still not sure if I can trust her yet. Ive been giving her room and haven’t contacted her, but im scared. Should I pursue her still, or move on? thanks for your help and time

I think you should let this one go, there are many of your own issues that you need to work on, such as your own honesty and chastity.

also, not to be harsh but finding a wife to “let out your sexual tension” and satiate your appetite, so to speak, is a pretty distorted view of marriage.

you are also called to chastity to marriage, not complete sexual abstinence, but it doen’st suddenly become a free for all. and there may be long periods of time where sex isn’t possible, what if your wife gets a serious illness? or you have reasons to space out children? it would be extremely detrimental for your family if you had to turn to porn and masturbation in those cases.

not to say that life doesn’t have temptations but keep fighting

 

[Catholic1954]

Hey all. This is my first post on here, so sorry if its not in the right section. But basically, I need relationship advice. Im a 20 year old college sophomore. 3 years ago, I met this wonderful girl at my job and we became friends. a year later, I asked her on a date and from there a 2 &1/2 relationship blossomed. Not to say that there weren’t issues: we did cut it off a couple times, mostly because I was selfish and wanted to see other people, which she did too. But we always ended up getting back together. I found out early on she wasn’t Catholic, but since she was my first steady relationship, I didn’t give much thought to that fact because I didn’t know what to look for in a good future wife.

All was well, until about a year into our relationship when I started to become sexually “tense”, probably from dating for a while and not being able to get married yet and 'let it out". As a result, I fell into the sins of masturbation and pornography, which im still battling to this day, but am improving at greatly. These sins made me incredibly selfish and self centered though, as you can imagine, and I started making our relationship revolve around me and my wants. I even started asking my girlfriend to do impure acts with me, which she didn’t want to do, but we sometimes did do them. She eventually converted to the Faith, although this made me uneasy because I was afraid she did it just for me. Eventually, strengthened by the Faith and fear of going to confession and having to say that stuff, my girlfriend refused to do impure acts and this caused a lot of fighting. I even contacted an ex girlfriend and visited her, having bad intentions, but nothing came of it thank God. I felt great remorse and told my girlfriend the next day and she forgave me. However, she began to become unhappy and I didn’t notice because the world revolved around me, me, me. She eventually disclosed to me that she no longer had the desire to kiss me, but was still physically attracted to me.

I didn’t see the warning signs still. a couple of days ago, she broke up with me, for good she says, because she said lied to me. she mostly became Catholic for me and said it wasn’t “for her,” She also said that a week ago, she visited a guys house and was kissing him, and hid this from me for a week. she told me she needs to be alone and find herself. so my question is, what do I do? I thought she was the one and we talked about getting engaged soon, but now this. my family tells me to move on because if she cheated, then she’d do it again and doesn’t care about me, but I did the same thing without the physical stuff. She has never cheated on boyfriends in the past, but im still not sure if I can trust her yet. Ive been giving her room and haven’t contacted her, but im scared. Should I pursue her still, or move on? thanks for your help and time

Move on. Until you put the other person’s wants and needs ahead of yours, you are not “in love” and the relationship is never going to last a lifetime, through good times and bad. Kick the addictions for good and then start looking again for a suitable partner.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I agree. You seem to still be thinking in terms of what you’d get out of marriage, and not what you need to be able to put into it. You’re not thinking of the sacrifices you need to be willing to make, only what you think the benefits will be (and the benefits aren’t what you think they are, anyway). If you seek a relationship in this frame of mind, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment, unnecessary struggles with sin, more selfishness, and possibly a failed marriage attempt.

Work on yourself first. Learn to put God first, to sacrifice, to endure, to resist temptation (and repent when you fall), etc. Forgive the ex, face up to your own mistakes (you seem to still be making some excuses for yourself) and then forgive yourself, as well. Let go of the past. You have to be a complete person on your own before you can give yourself completely to someone else.

Getting yourself and your own life in order is worth the effort, and it will make a future marriage much stronger, more beautiful, and more likely to weather the storms.

 

[Charybdis]

At least you are in the right place by coming here. It seems like you do care what happens to you, so I will echo what others here have said. Move on. This relationship is very flawed and nothing good will probably come from it. I had to do something like this back when I was in college and there comes a time after all that has been said and done that you need to let it go.

Clear your mind, get to church, study about marriage and the sacraments of the Church and then you’ll be in a better place.