Relationship advice needed!

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Rebecca_Marie

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I am a 19 yr old in a serious relationship with a man who is almost 21. He is a good catholic and so am I. The problem isnt with us, its with my parents. He and I both understand that we have to respect my parents in what they say, but it feels like things are getting ridiculous. We want to get married within a year, but my father wants me to wait until I graduate (about 2) becuase he fears that I will get pregnant and drop out of school. A lot of my relatives and family friends which include catholic parents the same age as my parents agree that we should get married soon. I don’t want to cause a fiasco, but I feel that waiting 2 yrs is not the right thing. We want to put a plan together which talks about how I will finish school and how we will take NFP classes to attempt to postpone children until closer to graduation, any other advice or suggestions???
 
Whats the rush? Why do you feel waiting is not the right thing? Your story is mine and my wife’s story - almost 20 years later she still has not finished college. Fortunately we have a sucessful family business. We got married and started having kids - I don’t regret any of it but your parents are right. Things are different now - my generation - born in '65 is the last of our people who can make a good living without a degree or a trade. I know many people with degrees who still cant find a decent job - how will you do it without one? Recently a guy with a four year degree said he would come to work for $6.15 an hour.

My strong suggestion - STAY IN SCHOOL - GET MARRIED AFTER YOU GRADUATE.
 
Think about it this way… make yourself a list of pros and cons for each side. What would be bad about waiting for 2 years?

My hubby and I married too soon. We didn’t feel that way at the time of course, lol. Both sets of parents tried to tell us to wait, we didn’t listen.

Have you ever heard somebody say “Boy, I really regret waiting to get married”.? I haven’t.

But I do know that people regret getting married too soon all the time. Not everyone of course, but why take the chance?

Pray on this. Remember that your parents ultimately want what is best for you. Your dad has a legitimate concern about you getting pregnant and not finishing school. If God wants to give you a baby, there is only one way that can happen… and you need to be married first, lol.

I really want to encourage you to wait. I know that 2 years seems like forever! But you are only 19. You have lots of time. I wish you both all the best and I hope that you make the right decision.

Malia
 
I’ve seen it work the other way.

I’d say if you believe you are to be married sooner rather than later, then you are of age. Consider the wise advice of those older than you and who know you – believe it or not they may know something. At some point, though, it is your choice because you are of age. That doesn’t mean anyone else has to like it, speak to you afterwards, or especially help support you. You have to weight the pros and cons.

I am not convinced that getting married at 19 and 21 is necessarily bad, or premature. I didn’t get married until I was about 28, but part of it was that I had a lot of growing up to do after college.

I’d strongly recommend taking advantage of some of the Church’s programs such as engaged encounter. Also consider taking this up with a Catholic counselor if one is available. When my wife and I were considering getting married we had some really great advice from Catholic Charities in Wichita, which works on a sliding scale. You might want to start by asking these questions of your own favorite priest.

If you are committed to this relationship, and have done what you can (such as the Church programs) and are ready to move forward, then there are certain advantages to going ahead with it. Among them, if you go separate ways educationally (assuming this is even a possibility), would you go together or split apart? If unmarried but committed to marriage later, these questions loom ominous.

Alan
 
Feanaro's Wife:
Have you ever heard somebody say “Boy, I really regret waiting to get married”.? I haven’t.

But I do know that people regret getting married too soon all the time. Not everyone of course, but why take the chance?
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Please let me be the first to say, “boy, I really regret waiting to get married.” I was not in the same situation as the OP, to be fair. Finally I woke up and married the beautiful woman who eventually gave me a total of six incredible children. I put off committing to marriage so long it was practically abusive. (Once our second child was on the way, though, it pretty much pressed the issue. :o )

Of course, I was just getting back into attending Church back then, so I wasn’t always practicing the Church’s teachings. I say this as disclaimer that it was my fault I was in the mess I was in, but I had been so programmed against marriage that even when my prayers were obviously answered by this woman I still dragged my feet for at least a year too long. Also, I was 28 so again my situation was different than the OP’s.

Actually, I have come to forgive myself, as the Church has forgiven us, and now I have the faith that whatever happened to us, including the way I acted, was for a reason. Therefore I don’t really have that strong feelings about it anymore.

Alan
 
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AlanFromWichita:
Please let me be the first to say, “boy, I really regret waiting to get married.” I was not in the same situation as the OP, to be fair. Finally I woke up and married the beautiful woman who eventually gave me a total of six incredible children. I put off committing to marriage so long it was practically abusive. (Once our second child was on the way, though, it pretty much pressed the issue. :o )

Alan
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I suppose I didn’t consider this side of it when I made my statement. I was just thinking about high school or college attending couples. I should have said that I haven’t heard of anyone regretting waiting to get married as they finished their education.

I have heard of plenty of situations where either the wife or husband really regrets not finishing their education prior to marriage.

Malia
 
Why do you want to get married in a year instead of two? Is it because when he graduates (before you), he wants to go someplace else? Would he be “held back” in his schooling or career if he chose to stay in the same town as you while YOU finished, or if he went off for himself for a year or two, are you worried that the relationship would not last?

Think long and hard about just why you want to be married, right now, without finishing college. Are you “scared of success?” Is there a part of you that might be relieved in not facing academics should a baby “come along?” Is there a part of you that thinks that education is just an “extra”, and that your real purpose is in being “wife and mother” so that education doesn’t really “matter” for you?

All things being equal, at 19 you have many, many years of life ahead of you. You aren’t say 69 and wishing to marry quickly so that you can spend as much time as you can with your husband to be, knowing that your time together will probably be fairly short statistically speaking. But you’ve had what, 2 years of college out of a 4 year program? You’ve barely scratched the surface of the academic world. Are you still living with your parents, or have you been living “at the dorm” and spending the holidays with the parents? Do you have any experience at all in living on your own?
Budgeting and paying rent, utilities, groceries, student loans etc.? Know how to cook, clean, do laundry, routine household and car maintenance?

Marriage is more than planning a to-die for wedding and even making mature decisions like NFP and potential “baby” plans.
Listen to your parents and give them some good solid answers to the above and get some good solid experience in being your own person ON your own before you think about committing yourself to a life-long relationship. . .just my :twocents:
 
I don’t know you well enough to give you any real advise to how to go about it. If I was you two, I’d go to a good priest or a spirtual director. Hopefully that person can give you more of an objective opinion. Parents can often give you great guidance, but they can be off due to the closeness of the situation. One on hand it is good to marry young before you get too set in your ways and have trouble adjusting to living with a spouse. On the other, it is not good to marry before one is mature enough to do so.

Which is it, for you? I don’t know. NFP is great, it forces you two to talk more often about what is important. It is important two go to Mass and pray, you’ll be on a mission and a mission together. It’s good to bring God in to guide you. Things will never turn out as expected. Also do not forget to ttry to look at other coulples that have a good relationship and see and ask what works for them.
 
Well, my advice is to continue to pray about the matter and follow your own convictions, not those of your parents. Listen to them, of course, but prepare yourself to present eloquently your reasons for wanting to marry sooner than they have in mind. If you have good reasons, you might be able to sway them.

They love you and mean well, but if you’re bright and spiritually developed enough to have found yourself a good catholic man worth marrying, I figure you’re probably bright and spiritually developed enough to decide -when- to marry him as well.

I personally feel that many people place way too much value on a university education. Unless you’re working toward a specialized (read: not liberal arts) degree, it may not even increase your salary by much. I can’t tell you how many people I know who graduated with honors but make under 9 dollars an hour.

But that aside, even if you were to conceive a baby on your honeymoon, what would stop you from finishing college? It’s more difficult for a parent to go to school, but certainly not impossible. My mother began and finished her degree with three children already born.
 
How about splitting the difference and waiting 1 1/2 years?

Unlike a lot of secular people who tell young adults to wait until they have advanced degrees and established careers to get married, I believe that a young married couple grow more in their love and devotion to each other by beginning their married lives at a younger age. The important factor is that the couple believe in marriage as a sacrament and truly see marriage as a lifetime commitment. My husband and I married at a young age and we have grown so much together over the years that I cannot imagine not being married to him.

Good luck as you venture into your new married life. May God grant you much happiness. :tiphat:
 
I think I’m inclined to agree with the previous poster. There must be something wonderful about sharing life from an early age if the person is right. Especially if what’s early age for us used to be old age not so long ago.

You need a degree, however, and having to bear and look after a baby won’t help. NFP needs quite a lot of time for observation and practice to develop reliability, so if you’re only going to start the classes now… well, let’s say there could be problems. So if abstinence is going to be your fate, then you don’t necessarily have to be married.

If it’s hard… yeah, it is. I’m 22 now, two years remaining till I get my diploma and who knows how many before I get a job paying so much as for living on my own to make any sense.

And $6 per hour for someone with a degree in the States? That’s quite extreme…
 
Dear sister-in-Christ,

Perhaps the two of you are truly in love! Are you afraid that love may die, if not acted upon hastily. If its true love, it won’t dissapear in a year, two years or longer. In fact, it may stregthen the bond between you. What is the real harm in waiting, other than putting off physical intercourse a little longer? In the meantime, you can grow in knowledge and love for each other.

Do not rush into marriage as so many have done, only to later regret their decisions. Take you time. Discern God’s Will rather than your own. Discernment requires much deep prayer with desire to put God’s Will first and foremost. It is helped a great deal through the aid of a good spiritual director.

How about postponing your decision for a year? What harm can that possibly do, particularly if it is spend getting to know each other and discerning God’s will.

Love & peace in Christ,
Bob
 
I agree with some of the other posters----why not wait a year to get officially engaged. By the time you take the pre-Cana classes, it’ll be another 6 months. Unless there are other pressing matters that you have not shared, this seems reasonable.

Take your parents’ advice into consideration, but make your OWN decision. I can think of many times when my or my husbands’ parents’ advice was not right for our particular situation. My husband and I married before I was done with college (only 1 more semester to go) and well before he was done. However, I finished and am glad I did. My husband lost his job and was out of work for almost 5 years. I had a degree in the health care profession and was able to support our family with a very flexible job that paid well while he went back to school and finished his degree. He’s still quite low on the totem pole, so I continue to work on a contractual basis (around my children’s school and his work schedules) to contribute to the family income. If I had not finished school, I would not have been able to have the wonderful, flexible career I have and would not have been able to support our family when it was needed.

Remember to pray every day for guidance in this matter too.
 
I really appreciate all of your replies. My boyfriend is not in school, but has a very good job with great benifits and good pay. I myself have plans to be a stay at home mom. My parents had a conversation with my boyfriend last night that lasted almost 2 hours. THey decided that the middle of August of next yr would be a good time for us to get married. It is awesome news!!! Thank you for all of your advice!!
 
You’re 19. Be a kid as long as you can. Get to know yourself. Do you realize how much you will change between the ages of 19 and 21?

Take me for example. At 19 I got drunk every weekend, smoked pot almost everyday, and didn’t give a darn about anything except for making money and wondering where I was going to get my next dime bag. At 21, I quit all that junk (except for making money) and was in an RCIA class. I’m not saying that you will go on a drinking/drug binge, but my point is that you will mature over the next few years and as you do this you may see that your boyfriend may no longer fit into your life. I hope that’s not the case, but it could happen.

Don’t get caught up in the whimsical feelings of love. Getting married to someone because of all those euphoric emotions is not a good reason to get married. You have to take into account how good of a father and provider he will be, where you will live, and what will happen if children come unexpectedly. You both need to get yourself situated before you get married.

I agree with those who said to have a long engagement. Think about how wonderful it will be when you both have great jobs, a place to live, and a little bit of money in your pockets. A newly married couple should not have to struggle for those things when starting out, adjusting to the married life will be hard enough. The longer you wait, the more awesome the honeymoon will be!
 
I have to say I agree with the above. Then, I have also agreed with the views that marriage from such an early age lasting forever (well, in this life) is so wonderful. Guess it depends how sure you are that the other person is the right person and that your views aren’t going to change in the process of getting your degree, your job, your house and place in life. I like your zeal and I hope it’s going to work out and you won’t be regretting. If your parents have talked with your fiance and accepted him as a future son in law, it’s a good sign. Perhaps it’s going to be better for you. But staying engaged until you are more secure and independent isn’t a bad idea, either. This is the route I have taken and I’m somewhat older than you already.

I suppose if I had married one of the girls I’ve dated, it wouldn’t prove to have been a good idea. Then again, if you marry so early, you are practically starting off already in marriage and getting to know your spouse as already a spouse. This requires huge loads of commitment, I think, but the reward is surely going to be plentiful and exceed whatever you dream of. If you think you can take it…
 
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