Relationship Doubts, from the other side... Help please?

[irri6]

Hello everyone! I finally joined since I’ve been reading these for months and I’m starting to have my own struggles. Just wanted to first say thank you to anyone who responds and I really appreciate it!

On to the info and excuse me if it’s lengthy:
So my boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 years and 3 months, and we’re in our freshman year of college now. He’s never been in a relationship before me, but I’ve had 2 relationships before, one being more of a friendship though. Towards the end of last week, we were beginning to have small fights again, which happen more frequently than we’d hope for, and my boyfriend came out about how he was feeling about a lot of things in terms of our relationship relating to his unhappiness or what he wants from it, and that he had started developing a crush on a girl. Early this weekend, he was asking me for help with something on the computer, and he tried to close out of a tab on Facebook, but not without me seeing first. Feeling uncomfortable about it, I asked him if that was the girl, and he told me yes. I found out he had been running into her around campus when I wasn’t there and they had had multiple conversations, and he had asked a favor of her. I didn’t ask for specifics, but it really hurt to know that he had been hiding this from me, and he said he thought that he could protect me in some senses from it.
He’s in a tough place right now trying to figure out where he wants to be in his relationship with me, and he hasn’t been able to get in contact with this girl. After our talk he agreed to talk to one of his close guy-friends about it, and he decided to ask to meet up with her to try to clear things since he believes that by meeting up with her, it might become more clear if this is just an infatuation (as he thinks it could be, he has had them before) or something more. This is not completely his fault, because of the small fights that have become big his feelings of upset towards me and having her talk to him and be nice, it’s amplified his feelings. Another thing is that I’ve been a more controlling and harsh than I should be because I’m very insecure and I was badly hurt in my last relationship. Because of the trouble I have not only been able to get my faith in God back which I was also lost in, but I have been able to see my fault and already begin to work through it.
He still acts as though things are okay with us most of the time. He holds me and kisses me and tells me he loves me, but he still doesn’t have a decision on what he wants to do. I’m not going to tell him what to do because I truly love him and want to support him in everything I can, and while I’m struggling with a lot of this, the idea of taking a break, the chance of him breaking up with me, and everything else, I’m doing the best I can to just keep it to myself. Apart from the small fights, we’ve always had a great relationship and I know in my heart and from messages I feel God has given me, that he is the one I feel called to marry. Through all the fights and uncertainties he’s had, I’ve been the one to stand firm and support him. We have a serious relationship, and we love each other very much, we’ve even talked about marriage and started looking at it seriously.
To sum up, my dilemma is how to really be able to deal with this in the best way possible that will benefit him and myself. He knows how much I love him, and he’s always said he’s amazed with how much love I have for him and how sure I am. I know he wants to feel that peace and certainty in us so he can commit, and I want to help. I’ve told him that I’ll do whatever he needs me to do to help whether it’s be there to listen or just leave him alone. How can I deal with this for myself because I find myself worried and crying a lot and it’s affecting my performance in classes now. I don’t want to lose him, and he knows I’ll wait regardless of the outcome. Advice for myself or him as you see necessary? Thank you for everything!!

It’s difficult to portray the emotions and exact situation behind it all and I apologize again for the length of this. Thank you again!

God bless

 

[system]

Hello Irri,

I am sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time in your relationship. I know what it is like to go through a tough time and then try and focus in school. It is difficult. One this is for sure is relationships do take work. Here is my view on your situation. You have been together for 2 years and that is a long time. You have both invested a lot in each other, (who has invested more, you would know) and it is a serious relationship so ya’ll need to be honest with each other no matter what. You said you believe that he is “the one” for you, however he is still confused about what he wants to do. Marriage is a big step and one that needs to be discerned properly by the both of you. Ya’ll should be praying asking God if this is the person He wants you to marry. It sounds like to me he is not ready and his actions prove that. Ya’ll are both young and with this being his first relationship I’m sure he wonders what it is like to date other girls. This thought pops up in everyone’s mind in a relationship. I think his actions are not acceptable. Going behind your back and talking to this girl, asking her for a favor, and looking at her on facebook. If he was having doubts he should have come to you and been honest no matter how much it would have hurt. Because in the end the truth is always the best medicine. I think that you are making it to easy on him by letting him go talk to this girl and see if it is just infatuation. If he wants to do that then he should do that as a single guy and someone who is in a relationship. Guys like to keep their options open so they don’t have to commit. By you allowing him to do this I think you have given him the signal that his behavior is ok. What is to say this won’t happen again. You said you talked about marriage, but those are just ideas. I think you deserve the right to know if he wants to marry you. If he is not sure after 2 years of dating you then I think you should move on and let him figure it out. You can’t stick around hoping he is going to change, which women often times do. You have to protect your heart. I know it will be hard letting him go and it is going to hurt but just trust in God and He will be faithful. Let go and let God. I am not sure if you are familiar with Dr Greg Popcack but his is a Catholic Psychotherapist and has a show on the radio called More 2 Life everyday. People call in with what is troubling them and they give good advice. I think that you should call them and see what they say. Here is the link
avemariaradio.net/christian-radio-host.php/Greg-and-Lisa-Popcak

and here is the archive’s page where you can listen to past shows.

avemariaradio.net/showArchive.php?id=hms

I have called in a couple of times myself. I highly recommend it. My last bit of advice would be not to force it or pressure him. If you find yourself having to do that then he is not ready. You need to talk about the things that bother the both of you and resolve them. It is not assuring to keep dating if your concerns are not addressed because they will keep coming back. Well I wish you the best and I will pray for you. God bless

 

[forhim_123]

irri6,

My immediate response is - get out now! It sounds so similar to a situation I went through. I was insecure, my bf told me a similar thing, but because of my insecurities I thought it was up to him to decide what would happen to the relationship. Big mistake. A man should never tell his gf that he is having feelings for another girl!! It simply trashes your self-esteem, even though you might think otherwise. I don’t understand why men do that… To be honest, if there is another girl he is ‘eyeing’ and unsure if he wants you or her, I would count your blessings and leave now. He is being non-commital, and you’ve been together for over 2 years. Speaking from experience, based on being hurt in your past relationship, you might think you ‘deserve’ this, but you do not and you deserve a man who is going to be either commited to you only. No one deserves to hear their bf talk about another girl! My bf ended up deciding that he wanted to be with her, and told me the next day. It shattered me. Trust me, there are many other men out there who will treat you like the gem you are. I may sound harsh, but I’ve been there and know that you definitely don’t deserve that, no matter what! That’s my 2 cents… ! Best of luck! PM if you like
Please know I will be praying for you.

 

[Kelfa28]

Hate to say it but you need to either break up or take a break from this relationship…especially if you are having trouble concentrating in school. If he is serious about marriage then he wouldn’t be having feelings for anyone else but you.

He seems young and immature. He does not seem like he is anywhere near ready for marriage quite yet.

I was insecure as well and had no idea how a strong relationship should function. Even if I did see blatant problems within a relationship I would make excuses to justify his behavior. While relationships are tough and take work…I’m sure you’re aware that marriages are even tougher and take more work. If you have any doubts or feel he has any doubts (which it seems like he does since he clearly has a crush on another girl) you don’t want to jump into a marriage and be stuck.

My advice…break up and concentrate on your studies. This is far more important from where I’m sitting. Good luck and God Bless!

 

[SummerSmiles]

My advice is to take a break from this relationship. He’s telling you that he has a crush on another girl… I can’t think of a good reason why he would do that. He’s basically telling you that he sees no problem with desiring other women when he’s already committed to you. This isn’t something that will change with an engagement or marriage. He sees no problem with it now, and he likely won’t see any problem with it later. If you put up with this type of behavior right now, he’s got no reason to remain faithful to you now. Either he needs to be able to stick with one girl or you need to break up.

You both sound young; let go of him so that you can both get some distance, perspective, and get your priorities back in order. Focus on your studies right now. Make more platonic friends. And don’t settle for someone who isn’t willing to respect you!

 

[GraceDK]

Hello everyone! I finally joined since I’ve been reading these for months and I’m starting to have my own struggles. Just wanted to first say thank you to anyone who responds and I really appreciate it!

On to the info and excuse me if it’s lengthy:
So my boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 years and 3 months, and we’re in our freshman year of college now. He’s never been in a relationship before me, but I’ve had 2 relationships before, one being more of a friendship though. Towards the end of last week, we were beginning to have small fights again,(…) but it really hurt to know that he had been hiding this from me, and he said he thought that he could protect me in some senses from it.

After two years of relationship he gets a crush on another girl. He should leave you alone then… Right now he is playing on two horses… If the other girl rejects him you will be his second choice… I’d wanna be no man’s second choice! What are you doing with a boy like that?

He’s in a tough place right now trying to figure out where he wants to be in his relationship with me,

Well then let him think about it while being alone. I’ve been in a situation like that too… and you know, it was a waste of time. I also was confused and wanted to support the guy… but you know what. Love relationships is not about you being someones psychologist or coach while they make decisions that don’t concern you. Its about you two working towards a common future while being comitted.

and he hasn’t been able to get in contact with this girl. After our talk he agreed to talk to one of his close guy-friends about it, and he decided to ask to meet up with her to try to clear things since he believes that by meeting up with her, it might become more clear if this is just an infatuation (as he thinks it could be, he has had them before) or something more. This is not completely his fault, because of the small fights that have become big his feelings of upset towards me and having her talk to him and be nice, it’s amplified his feelings. Another thing is that I’ve been a more controlling and harsh than I should be because I’m very insecure and I was badly hurt in my last relationship. Because of the trouble I have not only been able to get my faith in God back which I was also lost in, but I have been able to see my fault and already begin to work through it.

You are making excuses for him while he is going around flirting with another girl. Be careful … don’t get self destructive. It takes two people to have an argument. If he doesn’t like you he should break up. Not think he can keep you hanging while he explores other options. Come on now… have some self respect.

He still acts as though things are okay with us most of the time. He holds me and kisses me and tells me he loves me, but he still doesn’t have a decision on what he wants to do.

Again… let him make a decision in solitute. You are not his pal or his mother.

I’m not going to tell him what to do because I truly love him and want to support him in everything I can, and while I’m struggling with a lot of this, the idea of taking a break, the chance of him breaking up with me, and everything else, I’m doing the best I can to just keep it to myself.

Why would you keep it to yourself? You have a right to have feelings and needs too, you know?

Apart from the small fights, we’ve always had a great relationship

Sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t think so…

and I know in my heart and from messages I feel God has given me, that he is the one I feel called to marry. Through all the fights and uncertainties he’s had, I’ve been the one to stand firm and support him. We have a serious relationship, and we love each other very much, we’ve even talked about marriage and started looking at it seriously.

So do all people in the beginning phase of their relationship… I spent the last 2,5 years with a guy… In the time we have been together he said I was the one he meant to marry, that he like to se me carrying his child… he even said God told him we would be married some day… and where are we now? The man could not committ after all this time and I had to end it with him… Im sure he liked having me around as a pal he could “kiss and caress” when he felt lonely. But I want a husband… not a boy.

To sum up, my dilemma is how to really be able to deal with this in the best way possible that will benefit him and myself. He knows how much I love him, and he’s always said he’s amazed with how much love I have for him and how sure I am.

Big big big red light here! Thats his response to your love… oh gosh. he does not love you equally, he is not comitted.

I know he wants to feel that peace and certainty in us so he can commit, and I want to help. I’ve told him that I’ll do whatever he needs me to do to help whether it’s be there to listen or just leave him alone. How can I deal with this for myself because I find myself worried and crying a lot and it’s affecting my performance in classes now. I don’t want to lose him, and he knows I’ll wait regardless of the outcome. Advice for myself or him as you see necessary? Thank you for everything!!

Well you should not wait regardless of the outsome. You are not his doll. You have your own life and your own needs. There are plenty of fish in the sea and he needs to know you will be just fine without a man who doesn’t really want you.

It’s difficult to portray the emotions and exact situation behind it all and I apologize again for the length of this. Thank you again!

God bless

Take responsibility for your life,… and also, try to find out why it is that you have no courage to stand up for yourself and think you deserve this?

 

[Pink_Lemonade]

My advice is to break up with him- don’t wait around for him to decide, because he should be breaking up with you already if he’s not sure. You’ve been together for a long time, but going to college sometimes changes people, in both good and bad ways. You grow up and learn more about yourself and what you want. He may just be moving in a different direction, and you should let him go. Especially because it is affecting your school work. You will regret it later if you don’t refocus on school- trust me.

Also, remember that people date to discern a spouse. Don’t make the mistake of treating a romantic relationship as if you are already married- so many people do that instead of proceeding with caution, and then become heartbroken when things don’t work out. (I’ve done this too, in the past.) But you are not married, and are each free to leave the relationship at any time. If you do break up, try not to have any contact with him. Being friends is possible for some former couples, but usually only after some time has passed and only if neither person wants more than that.

Praying for you!

 

[promethius]

and he decided to ask to meet up with her to try to clear things since he believes that by meeting up with her, it might become more clear if this is just an infatuation (as he thinks it could be, he has had them before) or something more.

Wait… what???

He needs to go out and put himself to the test with this girl? Really? And if you marry the guy and he starts to feel like cheating, does he get to go out and flirt with near occasions of sin until he eventually falters?

The answer is not “go hang out with the girl that you have a boy-crush on”, it’s to avoid impropriety and to keep the (possible) friendship with said person totally public, totally transparent, and totally formal… if said friendship should even exist!

The fact that your boyfriend is hiding his contact with this girl, and then putting you up against her in some sort of twisted “competition for his feelings” when you’re the one who’s dedicated 2 and a quarter years to him is insulting and a MAJOR danger sign for where this relationship is headed.

I’m not going to jump to the all too common CAF answer of break up with him, but you need to have a SERIOUS talk with him about these wrong, immature, and destructive ideas he has about how to handle situations like this girl.

 

[EasterJoy]

He has been with you for two years, and now he’s having serious second thoughts. Tell him that you agree that he needs some space to think this over, because he does. Do not stay around while he is of two minds about you. You and this other girl both deserve far better than that.

Tell him that he can come back when and only when he is ready to give you his whole heart, and no hard feelings, since he was good enough to tell you. When he comes back, if he comes back, it will be your turn to consider his interest in you as a new thing. There are no guarantees that you will want him back by then. Every time is a new time. That’s the chance he takes; it can’t be helped.

This comes from my experience: I have let a fellow go on these terms, and he wasn’t back. I was let go on those terms once, and I was back before the week was out. The worst was the time a fellow was “having his second thoughts” in real terms with some other woman, and wasn’t telling me. When I said, “Me or her” and he said, “um…”, I said, “That’s my answer. Goodbye, I won’t be back.” He later asked if I’d ever be interested in getting back together, and I said that if I were, I wouldn’t even be able to look at him. That was the best decision I ever made.

There are times when letting go is a very good thing. Life is like that. Don’t fight it.

 

[hannajomar]

This reminds me of a book, “He’s Just Not That Into You.” It’s not a Catholic book, but the basic point is valid. If a man is “into” you, he will act like it. He will treat you right, he won’t be thinking about other women. If he’s talking to another woman, “he’s just not that into you.” If he was “into you,” he wouldn’t be doing things that are disrespectful to you, attempting to hide things from you. You deserve to be with someone who cherishes you, who IS sure about being with you.

 

[irri6]

Thank you all for responding so fast! We ended up working things out and he didn’t end up meeting up with her. He realized it was simply because we had been arguing and when he had run into her, she had been nice to him. After we talked things through, he realized that it was constrained to that and that there were no further feelings towards her.

We did have a disagreement again, but worked things out quickly after taking a short time apart to think things through. He realized he missed me too much and that he didn’t want to go anywhere. At this point I guess my only further question might be advice for how the two of us can work together to really build a strong, loving and respectful relationship together?

Thank you again for everything!

 

[chevalier]

A boyfriend-girlfriend relationship is not marriage and not even an engagement. Therefore it is not actually all that wrong to have doubts and to attempt to resolve them. Even such a thing as talking to a person he suspects he might be interested in more than in you isn’t actually so horribly, inexcusably wrong in this context. In fact, I’m not really convinced it’s wrong, although it can lead to painful situations. This is because it’s not marriage yet, this is still discernment.

On the other hand, it’s up to debate as to how committed to you is a person who has such doubts as to go to another girl because he might prefer her over you, and marry you basically as a backup solution. It’s not wrong to be humble enough to accept the reality of such a backup solution from our partner but you should at least carefully consider if he really is the kind of man you’d like to marry.

Personally I would understand my hypothetical girlfriend in a similar hypothetical situation, although it would be painful. It would have been harder to me before I appreciated the difference between a “relationship” and marriage.

Also, one should probably point out that relationships get tested in various ways. One of them is meeting someone else whom one finds attractive. Obviously, in such a situation, he should tone down the relationship with you, and also not start a parallel relationship with that other girl. He needs to respect your dignity in the process and respect your right to make your own choices in respect of that situation. For example, he cannot expect you to remain on ice for him while he’s checking out that other girl.

Anyway, unless and until he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with you until death parts you, he isn’t ready to marry you.

Don’t have a relationship just because he misses you when you aren’t there or because it’d be sad to break-up or because of any other fear. Marry a man who you want to spend your life with when you know marriage is your vocation.

 

[NSFrame]

My advice is to get out now! (but I know you won’t)

When you’re with “The One”, you don’t suddenly develop crushes on other people. That’s what happens when you still have your heart and mind open, whether you realize you have them open or not.

I found this out the hard way when I tried to make my college boyfriend more than he really was to me. I would always be sort of wishing I could go out with other guys but telling myself that no, I needed to stick with this BF because he was such a nice person. When I did finally break up with him, it was to go out with the man who is now my DH. With DH, I literally have never had those little doubts or crushes on anyone else.