Relationship guidance

[Oratory]

I was recently baptised and confirmed and am now trying to find peace in a particular situation associated with my old life. I met a woman several months ago and my feelings for her have grown ever since. Although we both acknowledge that we care for one another, our relationship is strictly platonic; I am aware that I care for her more than she does for me. One of the main reasons for this is because she is already in a relationship (not a marriage), and I respect this entirely. She has confided in me, sometimes in tears, that she is uncertain about her relationship because her boyfriend is, in her words, a ‘non-believer’. As much as I care for her, I often feel torn between supporting her and leaving her alone in fear of being hurt or causing hurt. I felt this way before my baptism and confirmation, and do even more so now. I would be grateful if any fellow Catholics can offer some guidance on what I might do in this situation. God bless you.

 

[Anglewannabe]

perhaps on a physical level you are in a platonic relationship. However, emotionally, she is cheating on her boyfriend by telling you she has feelings for you and confiding her relationship problems to you. Perhaps as a man you 'don’t see this, but from a woman’s point of view, you are emotionally the other man and that is cheating.

You deserve better

Angie

 

[Oratory]

Angie - Thanks for your reply. I’m not insensitive, and I do see your point. Apart from the obvious complications, this is a particularly difficult situation for me because I genuinely care for her. She seems to recognise that her relationship with this man has lead her away from The Lord, and as I have spoken with her about my own spiritual journey I think that she has become more conscious of this. Above all, I want her to be happy; I have assured her that restoring her relationship with The Lord is the way forward.

 

[SpikeLewis]

Tough spot to be in. When in doubt, go for broke on honesty.

If I was you (and not a coward), I would tell her that you have feelings for her, and let her make a decision about whether you guys spending time together is appropriate.

FYI, I was in a situation like this before where I was the boyfriend. My girlfriend had a “platonic” guy friend who she eventually left me for. There’s a good chance the three of you already know what’s going on, might as well get it all out in the open and see what happens.

If she opts to stay with her bf, you should probably cut ties with this girl, or keep it to coffee in a public place or something like that. Trust me, you don’t want a jealous boyfriend to worry about - you’d be doing all 3 of you a favor by creating some space and spending time with other girls instead.

 

[edwest2]

I was recently baptised and confirmed and am now trying to find peace in a particular situation associated with my old life. I met a woman several months ago and my feelings for her have grown ever since. Although we both acknowledge that we care for one another, our relationship is strictly platonic; I am aware that I care for her more than she does for me. One of the main reasons for this is because she is already in a relationship (not a marriage), and I respect this entirely. She has confided in me, sometimes in tears, that she is uncertain about her relationship because her boyfriend is, in her words, a ‘non-believer’. As much as I care for her, I often feel torn between supporting her and leaving her alone in fear of being hurt or causing hurt. I felt this way before my baptism and confirmation, and do even more so now. I would be grateful if any fellow Catholics can offer some guidance on what I might do in this situation. God bless you.

I found myself in a similar situation with a young lady. We began dating but a little while after, I found out there was another man with whom she was in a somewhat uncertain situation. There were tears on her part since she expressed affection toward me, but now she wasn’t sure what to do about her other, vague at the time, relationship. She was a proper young lady, and I decided to not call her for a few weeks, then I called. First, she asked why I hadn’t called and I said I thought she needed time to think about things. In any case, we went out again and since she didn’t bring it up again, I didn’t.

Then, after a period of time, she announced that things had changed with her male friend. I’ll spare the details and just say that she had lost interest, Strangely, she seemed like she had little interest in me when I first asked her out. I mean she didn’t mind my company but I could sense she was, in fact, attracted. I also had this cavalier attitude based on a gut feeling that she was attracted to me and it would stay that way. One evening, she spoke up and it was clear she was conflicted about going out with me. I responded by telling her that just give me the word if she wanted to stop dating, and that would be that.

Somehow, that conflict faded and we continued dating. I think she began to realize that we were quite compatible and her attraction to me was real.

Getting back to your specific case, we were both raised Catholic, but due to her parents divorcing in her mid-teens, she was hurt and confused well into her 20’s. She ended up with a Charismatic Christian group. Now she viewed me as an unbeliever since I did not believe as she did now. I took her to visit my Church, and funny thing, one of her Charismatic friends read from the Bible at one Mass. This surprised her. I attended services at her Church, but realized this would be an issue if we started talking about getting married.

Relationships can take unexpected turns. My advice is to listen, offer what advice you can, and it will be up to her regarding what resolution she decides on as far as the unbeliever she is interested in. You may, if this continues for a long time, just as a friend, gently suggest that instead of going through more emotional pain that she decide. If she can’t, well… I think it will happen by default or the other person will press the issue. For example: “If you can’t be with me because of your beliefs then that’s OK.” It may be heartbreaking for her, but if he has any affection toward her, I think he would want her to not suffer further, and even break it off on his end if she can’t.

Hope this helps.

God bless,
Ed

 

[Oratory]

Hi Spike & Ed - Many thanks for sharing your thoughts, stories, and advice.

So there’s no confusion, I’ve not ‘dated’ this woman once; we have spent time together alone in public, usually only for a short period of time, and done nothing more than talk. We have deliberately not exchanged numbers to avoid any temptation to call one another. I can’t speak for her, but I’ve tried my best to be an adult about the circumstances involved.

As a result of her showing emotion over the distance between her and The Lord, I feel drawn to help. She must love her boyfriend, but I get the feeling that it comes with a heavy cost. When we speak, I sense that she realises that for a long time she has put this man before The Lord and her own beliefs. I have commented more than once that no one should ever sacrifice their relationship with The Lord; it is far too special. I believe that she agrees with me, and has a lot of guilt about it. It sounds as though her boyfriend has no regard for her relationship with The Lord or her spiritual well-being. Why else would she feel this way?

I often think that it would be healthier if I cut ties with her, but because of the strength of my feelings I struggle to action this. Despite accepting that at present this is an impossible situation, I have pictured a future with her. In an indirect way, she has strengthened my faith. I pray for guidance in making the right choice for everyone involved.

 

[chevalier]

I was recently baptised and confirmed and am now trying to find peace in a particular situation associated with my old life. I met a woman several months ago and my feelings for her have grown ever since. Although we both acknowledge that we care for one another, our relationship is strictly platonic; I am aware that I care for her more than she does for me. One of the main reasons for this is because she is already in a relationship (not a marriage), and I respect this entirely. She has confided in me, sometimes in tears, that she is uncertain about her relationship because her boyfriend is, in her words, a ‘non-believer’. As much as I care for her, I often feel torn between supporting her and leaving her alone in fear of being hurt or causing hurt. I felt this way before my baptism and confirmation, and do even more so now. I would be grateful if any fellow Catholics can offer some guidance on what I might do in this situation. God bless you.

One problem with comforters is that they supply some parts of relationships that are lacking, notably in the emotional area. When that becomes more or less permanent, the need to change anything in the relationship stops.

This said, it’s normal to want to confide in someone of the opposite sex for a different view of the situation. Just because that person isn’t outside the age bracket or something doesn’t yet make it an emotional affair.

I found myself in a similar situation with a young lady. We began dating but a little while after, I found out there was another man with whom she was in a somewhat uncertain situation. There were tears on her part since she expressed affection toward me, but now she wasn’t sure what to do about her other, vague at the time, relationship. She was a proper young lady, and I decided to not call her for a few weeks, then I called. First, she asked why I hadn’t called and I said I thought she needed time to think about things. In any case, we went out again and since she didn’t bring it up again, I didn’t.

Then, after a period of time, she announced that things had changed with her male friend. I’ll spare the details and just say that she had lost interest, Strangely, she seemed like she had little interest in me when I first asked her out. I mean she didn’t mind my company but I could sense she was, in fact, attracted. I also had this cavalier attitude based on a gut feeling that she was attracted to me and it would stay that way. One evening, she spoke up and it was clear she was conflicted about going out with me. I responded by telling her that just give me the word if she wanted to stop dating, and that would be that.

Somehow, that conflict faded and we continued dating. I think she began to realize that we were quite compatible and her attraction to me was real.

Cultural differences… I wouldn’t date someone in that young lady’s situation. In fact, if someone’d gone on an explicit date with me but had another relationship, that’d be the end of a relationship prospect and probably of a friendship prospect too.

As for the bolded part, women, unfortunately, are attracted to that kind of thing. Not sure about men, can’t guarantee they aren’t too.

 

[Oratory]

One problem with comforters is that they supply some parts of relationships that are lacking, notably in the emotional area. When that becomes more or less permanent, the need to change anything in the relationship stops.

This said, it’s normal to want to confide in someone of the opposite sex for a different view of the situation. Just because that person isn’t outside the age bracket or something doesn’t yet make it an emotional affair…

On reading this it struck me that I am probably occupying a ‘comforter’ role, and based on what I know of this woman’s relationship with this man I expect I am providing something that’s missing. Perhaps it involves a spiritual re-connection with The Lord. I pray that this does not mean I’m inadvertently enabling her to tolerate being unequally yoked in a sinful relationship with an unbeliever. Regardless of my feelings for her, I do not want to support any relationship where The Lord does not come first.

 

[Irishmom2]

On reading this it struck me that I am probably occupying a ‘comforter’ role, and based on what I know of this woman’s relationship with this man I expect I am providing something that’s missing. Perhaps it involves a spiritual re-connection with The Lord. I pray that this does not mean I’m inadvertently enabling her to tolerate being unequally yoked in a sinful relationship with an unbeliever. Regardless of my feelings for her, I do not want to support any relationship where The Lord does not come first.

I agree with your role as comforter and it is a tricky one.

I think that it would be best for you to step out of the picture for a while until she decides to end her relationship. You do not want one where she is rebounding to you. Let her know that you enjoy her friendship, but that you can not continue to see her (even for just talking) until she is not in her current realationship. Perhaps she will realize on her own why this is best.

 

[chevalier]

On reading this it struck me that I am probably occupying a ‘comforter’ role, and based on what I know of this woman’s relationship with this man I expect I am providing something that’s missing. Perhaps it involves a spiritual re-connection with The Lord. I pray that this does not mean I’m inadvertently enabling her to tolerate being unequally yoked in a sinful relationship with an unbeliever. Regardless of my feelings for her, I do not want to support any relationship where The Lord does not come first.

A relationship to an “unbeliever” is not necessarily sinful. Nor is the Lord coming first identical with being married to a fellow believer. Be careful not to confuse personal feelings with theology.

 

[Oratory]

A relationship to an “unbeliever” is not necessarily sinful. Nor is the Lord coming first identical with being married to a fellow believer. Be careful not to confuse personal feelings with theology.

I don’t think for one minute that all ‘believer’ and ‘unbeliever’ unions are sinful. Where the couple are not married and sleeping together, then I don’t think there’s much room to debate. I don’t assume that a ‘believer’ and ‘believer’ union automatically guarantees that The Lord is always put first, although there’s probably a better chance of it happening.

 

[Oratory]

I agree with your role as comforter and it is a tricky one.

I think that it would be best for you to step out of the picture for a while until she decides to end her relationship. You do not want one where she is rebounding to you. Let her know that you enjoy her friendship, but that you can not continue to see her (even for just talking) until she is not in her current realationship. Perhaps she will realize on her own why this is best.

Thank you for the advice. I think what you say makes a great deal of sense. I’ve had the very same thoughts, but haven’t yet found the strength to act on them. I want to be with her, but only when the time is right; that clearly isn’t now.

 

[chevalier]

I don’t think for one minute that all ‘believer’ and ‘unbeliever’ unions are sinful. Where the couple are not married and sleeping together, then I don’t think there’s much room to debate. I don’t assume that a ‘believer’ and ‘believer’ union automatically guarantees that The Lord is always put first, although there’s probably a better chance of it happening.

Sorry for jumping the conclusion then. I had that funny fire and brimstone kind of impression.