Relationship question

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drm2223

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Please bear with me, this is my first attempt at this.

I have been involved in a relationship with a woman for 6 plus years. We are both Catholic but go to different parishes. She was and is far more involved with the church than I am.

About six months ago, she tells me that she requires a more spiritual man in her life. Someone to share the Bible with, discussions about the Gospel, parish involvement, etc. The fact of the matter is that, either I am to become more spiritual or she will look elsewhere for what she needs.

I have never been much of a “joiner”. I did not attend Mass on a regular basis. I was a lazy Catholic.

Since the spiritual discussion, I have started to go to church each and every Sunday, I have become a member of the parish (a very big step for me). These things have not been received as large enough steps in the right direction by her. She has told me that I need to go see a Priest or Deacon to get advice on how to become more spiritual. She has even offered to go along to prep the Priest on what she is looking for. She also thinks that I am dragging my feet on further involvement and has told me that we should not get together or even talk until I have met with someone. She only calls about every two weeks to see if any progress has been made.

I guess I am writing this to ask for advice on my next step. I love this woman and would like to make this relationship work. Are there things I should do? Are there books I could read? Are we too far apart on this issue? Please do not hesitate to offer any suggestions, opinions, options :confused: .
 
Sounds to me like a control thing going here. Honestly, if it were me, I would not hesitate to move on.
~ Kathy ~
 
It sounds like she is trying to change you into who she wants you to be. Unfortunately, the change that she wants isn’t the kind of change that you can do for someone else. Becoming more spiritual is something that you can only do for yourself.

So the chances for this relationship don’t look too good.
 
First let me say that it’s wonderful that you are attending mass more regularly. That is pleasing to God & will only do you good - with or without your girlfriend… so keep that up.

OK, now about her requiring a more spiritual man. I don’t fault her for that… before taking the next step - which I assume would be marrage (?) she has every right to decide if you are the sort of person she wants to spend her life with… better she realizes NOW (actually a few years ago would’ve been better still… ) but better she realizes now if you aren’t what she’s wanting/needing rather than after you are married & she’s miserable & nagging you to death which will make you miserable too. Maybe she thinks you are perfect in every way except for this lack of spiritual thing so it’s hard for her to cut you loose… so that’s probably why she’s willing to give you a chance to beef up your spiritual life? Maybe she sees great potential in you & knows that if only you were a more devout (?) Catholic/Christian/Bible studier/Parish participant - you’d be PERFECT. I don’t blame her for trying to change you. It’s not like she’s picked on something stupid… like change your hair or lose some weight or make more money… she just wants a partner who is her equal spiritually.

So can you get there? Could you join a Bible study? Attend mass maybe during the week rather than just on Sunday? Read some Apologetic type books… you’d be floored at how totally awesome & Biblical our Catholic Faith is. Read some books on the Saints? If you put forth some effort I’m sure she’d be thrilled… and if she’s not… well then maybe there’s more to it than just the spiritual thing and you’re better off apart?

I’m going to hope for the best for you.
Blessings,
CM
 
I have no idea if you are meant to be with this woman or not, but sometimes, the Holy Spirit works on us through the people in our lives. It is possible, even if you aren’t meant to be with her as a life partner, that this is the Holy Spirit, working through her, asking you into a closer relationship with God.

Now that you’ve begun attending Church, and joined the parish, which I can appreciate feel like big steps when first taken, have you taken the time to try to establish a relationship with God? Do you even know what that means or how to go about it?

Have you taken time each day to quietly pray to God, sharing with him some of your daily concerns, and thanking him for the bounty you’ve been given? Have you asked God what he wants for your life? Have you quietly asked for his direction and given him time to answer? I’m not suggesting you should expect an audible voice to speak down from the clouds, but the Holy Spirit has a marvelous way of having his will be known to us if we only take the time to listen. It can be through an otherwise random thought, a friend or family member, a complete stranger, scripture that speaks to our heart, a homily, even a television show or song on the radio. But we need to be listening for God in the world around us, and receptive to something besides our own pride.

The more you put energy into learning about the teachings of the Church, the easier it should be for you to discern God’s call for you, but prayer is the most essential element, and the Mass is the highest prayer of them all. Try attending an occational mid-week Mass, but only receive the Eucharist if you have been to confession regularly. You need to be worthy to receive the body of Christ.

Just a few thoughts, for what they’re worth.

God Bless,

CARose
 
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drm2223:
I have been involved in a relationship with a woman for 6 plus years. …] She also thinks that I am dragging my feet on further involvement
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I’m curious why you’ve been involved with her for over 6 years without getting married. That’s an awfully long time to be involved with someone. I suspect she isn’t happy about being strung along for 6 years with no commitment.
 
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Benedictus:
I’m curious why you’ve been involved with her for over 6 years without getting married. That’s an awfully long time to be involved with someone. I suspect she isn’t happy about being strung along for 6 years with no commitment.
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Ohhhhh! I missed that! Yep… that’s it.
 
Dear OP,

Whether or not you love this woman, and whether or not you are meant to be with her, make sure you do not push yourself into a deeper “participation” in your faith for the wrong reasons. It may end up with you resenting the difficulty you have in making the change, and the change itself. Go at your own pace. Do not rush. Giving yourself to God is the biggest, most important decision you will ever make.

Wanting to please your girlfriend is not a good reason for you to seek to get closer to God. You have to want that relationship for yourself… for the sake of your own soul… out of love for your Creator. It isn’t an easy thing to decide. Being truly Catholic is difficult these days.

Try to forget that the reason you started seeking to get closer to God was your girlfriend and focus on Christ. Learn about the Faith, and fall in love with God. You will quickly find that there is no greater love to be found between men. Center your life in Christ, and if it is God’s will, your relationship with the woman you profess to love will grow and strengthen on its own.

As some of the others who have posted have said, your girlfriend is right in demanding someone with a close relationship with Christ. You should demand the same thing for yourself.

If you would like to read some books that may help you, here are my suggestions:
I hope this all helps you. I’ll be praying for you, and your girlfriend.

God bless,

Agricola
 
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Benedictus:
I’m curious why you’ve been involved with her for over 6 years without getting married. That’s an awfully long time to be involved with someone. I suspect she isn’t happy about being strung along for 6 years with no commitment.
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The length of the courtship is irrelevant. This question has nothing to do with the question at hand. The true question is how does she define and identify becoming more “spiritual”.
 
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Arbie:
The length of the courtship is irrelevant. This question has nothing to do with the question at hand. The true question is how does she define and identify becoming more “spiritual”.
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I suspect the two issues are closely related.
 
As a young Catholic woman who has had many failed relationships with non-catholic men I would say that the length of your courtship without any reference to marriage is a BIG factor here.
She is probly thinking that she’s been with you for six years, she loves you but you are not the kind of man she wants to be married to. Many women want their husband to be a spiritual leader in their relationship and not have to drag them along.
A husbands biggest job is to get their wife to heaven. Maybe she feels you are not up to that right now. She needs to know that if some time in the future she stumbles and becomes weak that you will be able to support her spiritually.
She is being very controlling and pushy but I would guess that the reason is that she is acting on fear. She is afraid that if it turns out you are not going to be the husband she wants and needs that she has wasted a big chunk of her life waiting for you to become that. It is not helpful to be so controlling, I’ll grant that but I do understand why it is happening.

I also get very bossy when I am afraid! I’m working on it and my boyfriend is helping me but it may help if you understand where this behavior is coming from. If you help to ease her concerns then her controlling behavior will likely stop and she will trust you more as I bet this is what she truly wishes to do.

If you cannot make these changes or do not see yourself marrying her then you need to tell her now. If you really love her you will not keep her hanging.

Just my two cents!

Cadence
 
Dear drm,

It is very hard to give advice on such a personal and spiritual matter. If you don’t mind hearing some practical wisdom from an elderly lady who has been in a mixed marriage for many years during the raising of our family, I can tell you from experience, it usually does not work if only one of the parties is spiritual.

You two would be entering upon a life-long commitment in marriage, to which God is a third partner. Ideally, we choose a mate who is best able to help us on life’s road toward our eternal home. If conflicts develop over matters of faith because one party does not have a sacramental prayer life, there can be little peace and agreement.

Conflicts can arise over financial decisions, raising children, sexuality in marriage, choices of friends, types of movies and television, tithing — just to name a few trouble spots. If your partner foresees that you will not be a support in your future relationship, it really is best to separate.

It’s unfortunate that your heart is already bonded, for it will be painful to do this. But isn’t that what dating is all about? Learning the characters of one another to determine suitability for marriage?

With a prayer that God may lead you,

Carole
 
Yes, you should do more than just go to Mass if that is her desire. The important question is HOW MUCH. If she says she wants you to do eight things and you offer to do four things and she won’t compromise then she is wrong and should be faulted for that. You cannot manufacture faith. You are already faithfully attending Mass. If you would also pray with her, become involved in the Church (with her), and go to a Bible study, then do it for both of you. That is reasonable. What would it hurt? However, if she says that that is not enough - that you need to do more - then she has deeper issues. She is not being patient with you which is a GIANT red flag. Despite her apparent devotion, one could say that her faith in Jesus may not be as strong as she lets on since she lacks faith in Christ’s current and future work in you. God works in baby steps most of the time. He wants us to want him so he makes us wait, suffer, and pray for what we want, especially for faith. She should allow you to take it on one step and a time if she loves you and has faith.

As long as you acquiesce to a reasonable amount of her “demands” then that SHOULD show sufficient desire to be close to her and more importantly closer to God.

It’s a bad feeling when you are trying to increase your faith, all the time knowing that you “HAVE TO” or you will be single. :rolleyes:
 
All of these are great replies. You know your situation better than any of us. But from the sound of it to me, this situation might not get any better unless she feels that you are being active and faithful in the Catholic Church based on your own momentum and eagerness. But the thing is, she can’t manufacture your faith, only you can take steps closer towards the Church in your own way.

IMHO, I would let her know that you’ve been posting on the CA Forums and that these were the responces that you received.

As for getting more involved in the Church, if you want to that is, the best thing to do is to find things that YOU are interested in and called to do, anything else will grate on you and wear you down. I suggest listening to Catholic Answers radio, and browsing through the store to find something interesting to read or listen to (tapes are WONDERFUL for beginner Catholics)

At the very least, for you to make a knowledgable decision to go closer to the Church or farther, the best Best BEST thing to do is to learn about the Mass. Believe me, old CCD memories of what the Mass is…don’t cut it ;). There are tons of audio and articles explaining the Mass. Google Scott Hahn and Mass explained.

Then take time and seriously consider where YOU want to go with this.

Have a blessed journey! And come back and post with us anytime…not just for Catholic questions, anything you like.
 
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drm2223:
I guess I am writing this to ask for advice on my next step. I love this woman and would like to make this relationship work. Are there things I should do? Are there books I could read? Are we too far apart on this issue? Please do not hesitate to offer any suggestions, opinions, options :confused: .
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As for the books that you can read. I LOVE books. I used to be a very nominal cradle-Catholic. I hardly even went to Easter or Christmas. I just have to commend you in your going to Mass more even before, it seems, that you are convicted spiritually on your own. I couldn’t do that until I struggled with Catholic teaching and if I wanted to be a Catholic after-all. You seem to have a strength that many don’t.

The book that kicked my butt and got me started on my journey was Karl Keating’s Catholicism and Fundamentalism. My caution with this book is: if you are going to read it you have to read it to the very end. I almost completely stopped halfway through but I would’ve totally missed out on the biggest cementing of me to Catholicism…da dum—The Eucharist and The Magesterium.

Then head over to: catholicity.com/maryfoundation/ and order the free CD’s.

Then head over to: ewtn.com/vondemand/audio/seriessearchprog.asp?seriesID=6607&T1=Scott+Hahn

And look into the webcasts here: lifeteen.com/default.aspx?PageID=MEHOME&__DocumentID=115960

Another caution, this all might become very addictive. I’m not goshing you, even if you have no interest and just a little dread of wading into all of this…the thing that really hooks you (atleast it did me) was finding out ALL this stuff that I didn’t know and thought I did or didn’t know that I didn’t know…LOL.
 
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drm2223:
About six months ago, she tells me that she requires a more spiritual man in her life. Someone to share the Bible with, discussions about the Gospel, parish involvement, etc. The fact of the matter is that, either I am to become more spiritual or she will look elsewhere for what she needs…
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Tell her to teach you how to do it. I know she says that you should seek a priest or someone else. If she is so great, why can’t she do it. If she can’t do it, then tell her to hit the road.
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drm2223:
Since the spiritual discussion, I have started to go to church each and every Sunday, I have become a member of the parish (a very big step for me). These things have not been received as large enough steps in the right direction by her. She has told me that I need to go see a Priest or Deacon to get advice on how to become more spiritual. She has even offered to go along to prep the Priest on what she is looking for. She also thinks that I am dragging my feet on further involvement and has told me that we should not get together or even talk until I have met with someone. She only calls about every two weeks to see if any progress has been made…
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I am perplexed. What does she want? An overnight miracle. I think you need to seriously think about moving on. Who knows what else she will want to change about you? I think it is unwise to stay in a relationship where you are not loved and supported as who you are. Somebody that wants you to change before you are even married is going to continue that pattern forever. With some people, it is never enough!
 
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