Relationships are exhausting

[AnolisSagrei]

I will try to keep this relatively brief, but I would appreciate some feedback. I’m a college sophomore (will be a junior this fall), have been diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome many years back, and have been experiencing a lot of trouble in the social department. If it helps understanding my background, I was schooled at home from K-12.

I don’t have a lot of friends, which I think is typical because I have to have a pretty close relationship with someone before I will consider them a friend in the true sense of the term. The friends that I do have, I feel like they are one of the greatest blessings of my life, and I thank God every day for having them. I think I’m incredibly blessed, in fact, that I was able to find them, or them finding me. I have three such people. One of them is a professor I work with very closely and the other two are friends that are very sadly, now long-distance friends. Such is life, especially when one is going to college.

I grew up in a very emotionally abusive home devoid of love, of compassion, of a true maternal presence, of the support and unconditional love that parents are, to my understanding, meant to provide to their children, and as a result I feel virtually no affection for either of my parents, but especially my mother, though I do love them in Christian charity. It has left me feeling very real scars and a feeling of deprivation and aside from discussing it somewhat with my friends to some degree, I have not discussed it with anyone, least of all in a professional setting.

I feel a great sense of unease and fear in social settings, because I cannot read myself and my own feelings well and I do not read others properly. On the outside, I look confident though introverted, am pleasant enough in social settings, and have a great many friendly acquaintances. On the inside, I am terrified that I am offending people, and my biggest fear is isolating myself forever, to lose the friends that I love due to behavior that I cannot identify. I have mentioned this to my friends, and they tell me that I am not in any way an irritant to them, but I still worry so much. I am especially concerned that I will lose the long-distance friends even though we have a mutually good relationship. The putative reasons vary.

I get concerned so much over this that I find myself exhausted. And I realized today that this is my problem with God as well. I love Our Blessed Mother, for example, and I know intellectually that she loves me so much, but as I have trouble feeling love often (and I know that love is something chosen and not just felt), and I long so much to be able to see her face to face and to embrace her, it feels exactly like another long-distance relationship, except that I can’t read her email responses and instant messages, hear her voice on the phone, see her pictures, or even see her in person once in awhile. It’s the same with God.

I don’t know if this makes any sense…I had end-of-term examinations this week and am feeling drained. Thanks to all who read this and especially for any advice.

 

[robwar]

I honestly think you are fine. Aspergers is a form of autism but you said you have friends and that is wonderful. Likewise, you need to realize that having an abusive mom can make it difficult to see or feel like Mary our Mother loves you. this is true if someone has had an abusive father, it can be diffucult to see our heavenly Father as loving. I think if you can relax and get through finals, you will feel better. I think you seem amazing. You are a sophmore at college, you have friends, you seem ok! I think you don’t need advice as much as reassurance that you are fine.

 

[gardenswithkids]

I will try to keep this relatively brief, but I would appreciate some feedback. I’m a college sophomore (will be a junior this fall), have been diagnosed with **Aspergers syndrome **many years back, and have been experiencing a lot of trouble in the social department. If it helps understanding my background, I was schooled at home from K-12.
…I grew up in a very emotionally abusive home devoid of love, of compassion, of a true maternal presence, of the support and unconditional love that parents are, to my understanding, meant to provide to their children, and as a result I feel virtually no affection for either of my parents, but especially my mother, though I do love them in Christian charity. It has left me feeling very real scars and a feeling of deprivation …

… I realized today that this is my problem with God as well. I love Our Blessed Mother, for example, and I know intellectually that she loves me so much, but as I have trouble feeling love often (and I know that love is something chosen and not just felt), and I long so much to be able to see her face to face and to embrace her, it feels exactly like another long-distance relationship, except that I can’t read her email responses and instant messages, hear her voice on the phone, see her pictures, or even see her in person once in awhile. It’s the same with God.

I don’t know if this makes any sense…I had end-of-term examinations this week and am feeling drained. Thanks to all who read this and especially for any advice.

Hello,

Your post touched me, perhaps especially because I am a homeschooling mother.

You mentioned that you were schooled at home from k-12 and you are now in college. You express your thoughts in writing fairly well here. Obviously your parent(s) taught you some things well. Homeschooling a child with special needs such as Asperger’s can be challenging. I can’t imagine that your parents would have taken on such a task as your homeschool education unless they loved you in some way.

You mention that the home you grew up in was devoid of love, compassion and a true maternal presence. Those comments stood out to me along with your diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome. Perhaps the problem wasn’t so much that they lacked love for you but that your parents may have had challenges of their own.

People in the past weren’t typically diagnosed with things like Asperger’s or autism spectrum disorders. Asperger’s was formally recognized some time in the 1990’s. We aren’t suppose to give medical advice here, so I hope I’m not stepping over the line by raising that possibility that your parents may have something along the lines of Asperger’s themselves. Autism spectrum disorders like Asperger’s can run in families.

We are all wounded in some way–parents included. For some people, personal relationships are particularly difficult for a variety of reason. I don’t doubt from reading your post that you have some very real scars from growing up, but I’m going to suggest that you consider that your parents may share some of the very challenges to love that you mention here.

I’m not sure what else to suggest. You mention how you’d like to look into the face of the Blessed Mother and embrace her. Your own mom sounds like a far cry from the Blessed Mother and perhaps your own mother doesn’t even like hugs. But it’s Mother’s Day in about a week and a half–and May is the month of Mary. Maybe as a gift to the Blessed Mother, you could think of something that your own mother would like for Mother’s Day and do it for you own mom out of love for the Blessed Mother.

Prayers for you and your family. Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee…

 

[lily22]

Write 10-20 things about yourself that you like, when these terrible thoughts from Satan happen to you. Like: I love to ski. I am a socially active person. Go in the direction you want to. “I am courteous and attentive in the presence of others/etc.” Put these simple phrases in your pocket when you go out. “Warm, insightful, and caring person of Christ’s Love” something like that.

You can have a friend write something they like about you, and put it in your pocket. Don’t let Satan rob you of your social life or say you “aren’t social”.

Remember-- no one on the planet can give the love Jesus can. We’re all just here, trying to maneuver our way through life, socially/etc.

Source: Moses was socially (speech) awkward.

 

[AnolisSagrei]

I honestly think you are fine. Aspergers is a form of autism but you said you have friends and that is wonderful. Likewise, you need to realize that having an abusive mom can make it difficult to see or feel like Mary our Mother loves you. this is true if someone has had an abusive father, it can be diffucult to see our heavenly Father as loving. I think if you can relax and get through finals, you will feel better. I think you seem amazing. You are a sophmore at college, you have friends, you seem ok! I think you don’t need advice as much as reassurance that you are fine.

Thank you.

 

[AnolisSagrei]

Hello,

Your post touched me, perhaps especially because I am a homeschooling mother.

You mentioned that you were schooled at home from k-12 and you are now in college. You express your thoughts in writing fairly well here. Obviously your parent(s) taught you some things well. Homeschooling a child with special needs such as Asperger’s can be challenging. I can’t imagine that your parents would have taken on such a task as your homeschool education unless they loved you in some way.

You mention that the home you grew up in was devoid of love, compassion and a true maternal presence. Those comments stood out to me along with your diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome. Perhaps the problem wasn’t so much that they lacked love for you but that your parents may have had challenges of their own.

People in the past weren’t typically diagnosed with things like Asperger’s or autism spectrum disorders. Asperger’s was formally recognized some time in the 1990’s. We aren’t suppose to give medical advice here, so I hope I’m not stepping over the line by raising that possibility that your parents may have something along the lines of Asperger’s themselves. Autism spectrum disorders like Asperger’s can run in families.

We are all wounded in some way–parents included. For some people, personal relationships are particularly difficult for a variety of reason. I don’t doubt from reading your post that you have some very real scars from growing up, but I’m going to suggest that you consider that your parents may share some of the very challenges to love that you mention here.

I’m not sure what else to suggest. You mention how you’d like to look into the face of the Blessed Mother and embrace her. Your own mom sounds like a far cry from the Blessed Mother and perhaps your own mother doesn’t even like hugs. But it’s Mother’s Day in about a week and a half–and May is the month of Mary. Maybe as a gift to the Blessed Mother, you could think of something that your own mother would like for Mother’s Day and do it for you own mom out of love for the Blessed Mother.

Prayers for you and your family. Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee…

Thanks for your reply. I agree that my parents have their own problems. I think my father likely has Aspergers, or at least he seems to share many of the common traits. My mother is, I think, psychologically disturbed and has been very cruel. It’s not just a lack of affection from her but active hostility that is heartbreaking. That said, I do feel for her, and for both of them, and I agree that they both must love me in some fashion, even if they are unable or unwilling to express it. It’s very difficult for me to forget the things she has said and done, even though I have forgiven her and continue to forgive her. Not because I hold grudges, but because I have an unfortunately keen memory that retains even the most minor details of each episode, and because it is reenacted nearly every single time I see her.

I’m quite certain she’d slap me if I tried to hug her, but I do like the idea of doing something for her, for the Blessed Mother’s sake, and I will give some thought as to what I can do to this end.

Thank you for your prayers!

 

[AnolisSagrei]

Write 10-20 things about yourself that you like, when these terrible thoughts from Satan happen to you. Like: I love to ski. I am a socially active person. Go in the direction you want to. “I am courteous and attentive in the presence of others/etc.” Put these simple phrases in your pocket when you go out. “Warm, insightful, and caring person of Christ’s Love” something like that.

You can have a friend write something they like about you, and put it in your pocket. Don’t let Satan rob you of your social life or say you “aren’t social”.

Remember-- no one on the planet can give the love Jesus can. We’re all just here, trying to maneuver our way through life, socially/etc.

Source: Moses was socially (speech) awkward.

Sometimes, if a friend sends me an email or message and they are complimenting something, or telling me they appreciate me, etc., I will pull it up and read it when I get in these periods of doubt, and it reassures me that there are people out there that care about me or believe in me (as sappy as that might sound, sorry).

This has helped me to be careful to always make sure that friends know that they appreciated, and to never take them for granted, so some good has come out of it.

I think part of the problem is that I am a perfectionist, used to be tremendously scrupulous, and I am, or at least very recently used to be, very hard on myself, and quite unforgiving, even though I am quick to pardon other people generally.