D
DominicanSista
Guest
Hi everyone,
God bless all of you. I was just writing because I would like to have some reactions from other people. I just ended a nearly four-year relationship for several reasons. Yes, this young man had proposed to me (no ring) in late 2004. I graduated from school in 2005. We were going to graduate school together, but we decided that since he did not get a good financial aid package, he would stay at home while I went away to school several thousand miles away. We decided it was more financially feasible and smart for us to do so when we did get married, there would be less debt. So, I went away to school, and he got a job that fall.
Into my semester there at school, I decided that I did not want to wait until two years later to get married (say 2007). I was really unhappy with the atmosphere at the school, and I was just tired of nearly four years of dating long-distance. I thought that marriage is more important of a vocation to me at that time, and that I should go home and start working. However, my then-boyfriend, who does have tendencies as that of a workaholic, was becoming more and more tired, and I was really frustrated with the way he was dealing with his work habits and our relationship. I honestly did not feel like he valued our relationship enough. Not just with the way he was talking to me during the first semester, and I understand that it is his first job, and men put a lot of their identity in their work. There were other instances where he was imbalanced in his life and work, but I was willing to overlook sometimes, and other times I was not. But I also still felt hurt inside that he didn’t do more than email a school for a job so as to be near me for graduate school and look for a job there after 3+ years of long-distance. I don’t feel it is unreasonable to think that talking on the phone would not suffice. I won’t go into details, but I decided to end the relationship, out of frustration. I did it because I seriously thought he was not interested in marrying me, based on the way he was behaving. I felt very upset at the time. I realized though, that by breaking up, he only understood it as my “lack of trust” in him. He said that he feels like I always want to talk about our problems for too long and that I don’t trust him because I never felt like he loved me. I didn’t feel like he cherished me! He would be so tired, or would talk about work, and I just lost patience and wanted to send him the message to wake up, that I am not just going to be taken for granted! I thought that breaking off the relationship would get him to see that I am valuable, and that he would want to work on talking this out with me, to see how serious I feel, and then we could work out our vocation together. But, he did not see it this way.
So, I realized that what I intended to communicate did not work. I feel bad that he misunderstood my point, but there is no explaining I can do. Basically, since then, it has been a matter of talks that are extremely confusing. He says, " I want us to be friends, and I don’t know where that may lead." I want to build up our trust. Yet, when I try to talk to him on the phone, just to call and say hello, he gets extremely upset and tells me, " I don’t want to talk, I give up"
I realize he may be extremely angry at me for having broken up for him, and for other things I may not fully realize. I believe he has bottled things up, and then just blew up when I decided to end the rleationship. I take full responsiblity for what wrong I did, but I am not nearly as angry at him as he is at me, even though this all started when I was upset with him. So, I just don’t think I have been able to see that since the breakup, he is confused, very angry, and has a lot to work through and mature in. I do too. But, I just couldn’t see this until now. It hurts to know he is not the guy I knew before. He is different now, very angry and unkind.
We didn’t talk for a month, and then he told me sorry, and he wants to talk to me and doesn’t want me out of his life. He wanted to write. He is, I realize now, very, VERY nuts about not talking on the phone, since so much of our relationship was over the phone, and he feels “traumatized” by our arguments over hte phone. I realize this when after he recently told me the sorry I just mentioned, and then I call two days later to say “Hi, I just wanted to tell you I am really proud of your job and what you are doing.” He reacts to the call when he hears my voice like he just heard the grim reaper asking for his life. I feel very despised when he does that, and when I ask him about it, he says, " well, you broke your promise that you would not call me at all. and that we would only write every week, and I would initiate it first."
God bless all of you. I was just writing because I would like to have some reactions from other people. I just ended a nearly four-year relationship for several reasons. Yes, this young man had proposed to me (no ring) in late 2004. I graduated from school in 2005. We were going to graduate school together, but we decided that since he did not get a good financial aid package, he would stay at home while I went away to school several thousand miles away. We decided it was more financially feasible and smart for us to do so when we did get married, there would be less debt. So, I went away to school, and he got a job that fall.
Into my semester there at school, I decided that I did not want to wait until two years later to get married (say 2007). I was really unhappy with the atmosphere at the school, and I was just tired of nearly four years of dating long-distance. I thought that marriage is more important of a vocation to me at that time, and that I should go home and start working. However, my then-boyfriend, who does have tendencies as that of a workaholic, was becoming more and more tired, and I was really frustrated with the way he was dealing with his work habits and our relationship. I honestly did not feel like he valued our relationship enough. Not just with the way he was talking to me during the first semester, and I understand that it is his first job, and men put a lot of their identity in their work. There were other instances where he was imbalanced in his life and work, but I was willing to overlook sometimes, and other times I was not. But I also still felt hurt inside that he didn’t do more than email a school for a job so as to be near me for graduate school and look for a job there after 3+ years of long-distance. I don’t feel it is unreasonable to think that talking on the phone would not suffice. I won’t go into details, but I decided to end the relationship, out of frustration. I did it because I seriously thought he was not interested in marrying me, based on the way he was behaving. I felt very upset at the time. I realized though, that by breaking up, he only understood it as my “lack of trust” in him. He said that he feels like I always want to talk about our problems for too long and that I don’t trust him because I never felt like he loved me. I didn’t feel like he cherished me! He would be so tired, or would talk about work, and I just lost patience and wanted to send him the message to wake up, that I am not just going to be taken for granted! I thought that breaking off the relationship would get him to see that I am valuable, and that he would want to work on talking this out with me, to see how serious I feel, and then we could work out our vocation together. But, he did not see it this way.
So, I realized that what I intended to communicate did not work. I feel bad that he misunderstood my point, but there is no explaining I can do. Basically, since then, it has been a matter of talks that are extremely confusing. He says, " I want us to be friends, and I don’t know where that may lead." I want to build up our trust. Yet, when I try to talk to him on the phone, just to call and say hello, he gets extremely upset and tells me, " I don’t want to talk, I give up"
I realize he may be extremely angry at me for having broken up for him, and for other things I may not fully realize. I believe he has bottled things up, and then just blew up when I decided to end the rleationship. I take full responsiblity for what wrong I did, but I am not nearly as angry at him as he is at me, even though this all started when I was upset with him. So, I just don’t think I have been able to see that since the breakup, he is confused, very angry, and has a lot to work through and mature in. I do too. But, I just couldn’t see this until now. It hurts to know he is not the guy I knew before. He is different now, very angry and unkind.
We didn’t talk for a month, and then he told me sorry, and he wants to talk to me and doesn’t want me out of his life. He wanted to write. He is, I realize now, very, VERY nuts about not talking on the phone, since so much of our relationship was over the phone, and he feels “traumatized” by our arguments over hte phone. I realize this when after he recently told me the sorry I just mentioned, and then I call two days later to say “Hi, I just wanted to tell you I am really proud of your job and what you are doing.” He reacts to the call when he hears my voice like he just heard the grim reaper asking for his life. I feel very despised when he does that, and when I ask him about it, he says, " well, you broke your promise that you would not call me at all. and that we would only write every week, and I would initiate it first."