Religious hangup with my husband

[caroljm36]

Back in 1993 when I was a catechumen I was becoming really spiritual and looking forward to being active in the church. But then I met my husband, a cradle Catholic who had strayed from the Church and wanted to go back. It seemed like so much grace…anyway we got married but right away I noticed sort of a spiritual “interference” from him. It sounds like a cop-out but I felt like I couldn’t get out ahead of him, and he’s sort of mechanical and his faith seems sluggish. He does go to Mass every week, but does no reading, expressed no interest in volunteer work, and routinely falls asleep during services. He’s a good man, visits the sick and imprisoned, but I feel like I just lost my connection to God way back when we were married and my own interest grew sluggish.

Anyway, I’m trying to get it back and I have to admit the only reason I don’t pray before bedtime is I’m afraid he’ll see me and maybe think I’m going overboard. I’d be embarrassed and I know that’s not right. But now I’m doing things on my own, volunteering, went to a weekday Mass for the first time, alone, and am making a stink about getting to the Rosary tonight even though it interferes with our usual Wednesday night out routine. Part of me just wants to be alone in a room, reading and praying and living like a nun and going to Mass every day.

What is wrong with me?

 

[Steve_M]

caroljm36:

, expressed no interest in volunteer work, … He’s a good man, visits the sick and imprisoned,

That sounds like volunteer work to me. Maybe he’s not a far away as you think.

 

[Mrs_P]

There’s nothing “wrong” with you. You have the desire to be holy. That’s good. You can pray the rosary and pray before bed without your husband knowing it - the reason for your prayer is to grow in holiness, not to impose your beliefs on anyone. I pray the rosary in bed while my husband is sleeping.

 

[mercygate]

Men and women are different in their spirituality. Contemplative men are more rare than contemplative women. If you have a man who “visits the sick and imprisoned,” then he is doing a very godly thing.

Women often go through phases where they want to be “alone in a room, reading and praying and living like a nun and going to Mass every day.” But in marriage, that can be a temptation. And men can be jealous of it, just as women get jealous of a husband’s obsession with bass fishing or golf.

Just as people in religious consecrated life meditate upon their vows, so should we who are in married consecrated life meditate upon our vows. We are all called to take up our cross daily, and one of the most rejected crosses of all is the cross of our own nauseating ordinariness*.*

Is a group rosary *really *worth “making a stink” – especially when it interferes with dedicated couple time? You have a husband who wants COUPLE time? How many women pray for that!

 

[caroljm36]

mercygate:

Just as people in religious consecrated life meditate upon their vows, so should we who are in married consecrated life meditate upon our vows. We are all called to take up our cross daily, and one of the most rejected crosses of all is the cross of our own nauseating ordinariness*.*

Is a group rosary *really *worth “making a stink” – especially when it interferes with dedicated couple time? You have a husband who wants COUPLE time? How many women pray for that!

Yeah you’re right, all of you are. But posting the question helped me think it through. I think the guys who usher Saturday vigil Mass would love to have him and come borrow him once in a while and I wish he’d just volunteer for it. I may suggest it because maybe he’s afraid I wouldn’t want him to do that and stay in the pew with me instead. The ushers always seem apologetic about drafting him and there’s no need to be.

Sometimes he goes off on the Church really harshly too, mainly over the sanctioning of Galileo, and the Crusades. Honestly sometimes he talks so bitter about the Church he sounds like a Protestant or atheist. As a history nut I’m pretty familiar with those issues but they’re not exactly news.

I guess it’s my own self-consciousness that’s bothering me. Religion is still a new thing to me after being unchurched all my life prior to 1993.

 

[Fidelis]

Even though the Sacrament of Matrimony is primarily a means by which each spouse helps the other toward heaven, it is not the job of a spouse to be the Holy Spirit. We all travel on our journey toward our heavenly home at different speeds, and it is unreasonable to think that the other spouse HAS to be on the same level spiritually. Having gone through this in my own marriage I can say is the best thing is for you and your spouse to acknowledge this and --short of the other living in sin or, conversely, neglecting his or her responsibilities in order to be “spiritual” – not harass each other about being too religious or not religious enough. When God sees you are ready as a couple he will lead both of you closer together in him.

I know it is hard when you are on fire for the Lord and wish the person closest to you can share that, but pushing him is not the answer. In that way lies only feelings of guilt and resentment for both of you. He seems like a good man in his own way. If the Lord means to lead him into a more devotional or prayerful life, he will. In the meantime, continue to be faithful to the Lord in your way and a patient example to your husband in the meantime. “The prayers of a righteous man [and woman] availeth much.” (James 5:16)

 

[SPOKENWORD]

caroljm36:

Back in 1993 when I was a catechumen I was becoming really spiritual and looking forward to being active in the church. But then I met my husband, a cradle Catholic who had strayed from the Church and wanted to go back. It seemed like so much grace…anyway we got married but right away I noticed sort of a spiritual “interference” from him. It sounds like a cop-out but I felt like I couldn’t get out ahead of him, and he’s sort of mechanical and his faith seems sluggish. He does go to Mass every week, but does no reading, expressed no interest in volunteer work, and routinely falls asleep during services. He’s a good man, visits the sick and imprisoned, but I feel like I just lost my connection to God way back when we were married and my own interest grew sluggish.

Anyway, I’m trying to get it back and I have to admit the only reason I don’t pray before bedtime is I’m afraid he’ll see me and maybe think I’m going overboard. I’d be embarrassed and I know that’s not right. But now I’m doing things on my own, volunteering, went to a weekday Mass for the first time, alone, and am making a stink about getting to the Rosary tonight even though it interferes with our usual Wednesday night out routine. Part of me just wants to be alone in a room, reading and praying and living like a nun and going to Mass every day.

What is wrong with me?

Hi Carol,Christ has joined you two in marriage and have now have become one. Why dont you ask you husband to pray with you. Where two or more are gathered in my name I am there. You want your marriage to be blessed. Well it requires an action from both of you. And that is to pray together. You will only grow in Christ if you seek His Face. God Bless

 

[Faithful_2_Rome]

Well…when he goes off, do you explain to him the stuff you have learned so he can become educated?

As long as he is visiting sick and imprisoned…he IS praying…so…its kinda unwarrarented to think he should also be reading…as for ushering…he doesnt need to volunteer for more stuff if he doesnt wanna. Why do you want him to do more? Are you sure its not you who doesnt wanna appear as part of the group?

He goes to Mass… he visits people…just dont become selfish in thinking he must be doing everything on a level you do…and if he falls asleep now and then…simply nudge him…if he is working full time AND visiting sick and imprisoned…I sure wouldnt worry about him nodding off from time to time…the poor guy is probably exhausted…and how many husbands arent even AT mass on Sundays? God Bless…

 

[RichT]

I became Catholic in 2001, 6 years after marrying my cradle Catholic wife. She was not really practicing when we married, however, after having our first child we both felt the tug to attend mass. After I entered RCIA, my wife really started to gain interest in church, and not just in going to mass. I really feel that my excitement for the church led her to her own excitement. Now, a little over three years later, she teaches Religious Education at our parish, goes to confession regularly, visits Jesus on the chapel, and is showing quite an interest in working at our church run soup kitchen.

I would say that you need to do what is right for you and not worry too much about your husband. If you lead by example, show your enthusiasm for the church, and don’t push, you might just be surprised at how well he repsonds. Another suggestion would be a Marriage Encounter weekend. Although it is for you as a couple, it can definately help him to connect to the church a little deeper. As far as the history of our church, what church doesn’t have a little history? Good or bad, tell him not to let the actions of others spoil the rich rewards that our church has to offer. Namely the Sacraments. God Bless…

 

[caroljm36]

Fidelis:

We all travel on our journey toward our heavenly home at different speeds, and it is unreasonable to think that the other spouse HAS to be on the same level spiritually. Having gone through this in my own marriage I can say is the best thing is for you and your spouse to acknowledge this and --short of the other living in sin or, conversely, neglecting his or her responsibilities in order to be “spiritual” – not harass each other about being too religious or not religious enough.

I’m not harrassing him in any way. But I’m self-conscious about getting in so deep when he is the “real” Catholic and I am the newcomer so to speak. I mean I’ve got a study Bible, the CCC, a home study book and a prayer book piled on my end table…sheesh. I think it’s good what he does, that’s why I brought it up, and I’m not sure I want to be joined at the hip with him in everything we do anyway. I saw some other halves of couples at Mass today, so it could be this is a common phenom. And maybe it’s a convert/catechumen thing too.

 

[RichT]

caroljm36:

I’m not harrassing him in any way. But I’m self-conscious about getting in so deep when he is the “real” Catholic and I am the newcomer so to speak. I mean I’ve got a study Bible, the CCC, a home study book and a prayer book piled on my end table…sheesh. I think it’s good what he does, that’s why I brought it up, and I’m not sure I want to be joined at the hip with him in everything we do anyway. I saw some other halves of couples at Mass today, so it could be this is a common phenom. And maybe it’s a convert/catechumen thing too.

That’s all the books you have? I have an entire bookcase full of spiritual books in our bedroom. The only book my wife cares to look at is her Bible, and her Missal. Don’t feel bad.

 

[caroljm36]

RichT:

That’s all the books you have? I have an entire bookcase full of spiritual books in our bedroom. The only book my wife cares to look at is her Bible, and her Missal. Don’t feel bad.

No these are just the ones on my end table. I have a library also.
Is this a contest?

 

[Anna_Elizabeth]

caroljm36:

Sometimes he goes off on the Church really harshly too, mainly over the sanctioning of Galileo, and the Crusades. Honestly sometimes he talks so bitter about the Church he sounds like a Protestant or atheist. As a history nut I’m pretty familiar with those issues but they’re not exactly news.

Just an idea, caroljm36: Check around for some of the latest info re the Crusades and Galileo, purchase some things and either give them to your husband, or, if he’s liable to flare up at this, just leave them around.

I keep hearing about the BBC program on the Crusades Revisited (or something like that), and an author named Kamen. Henry Kamen? (Not Catholic.) I wouldn’t get into a discussion about any of this, but I would listen (really listen), to what he has to say, even if I found it foolish. Let him argue with authors.

Best of all, work in Catholic Answers, somehow. Get his concerns to their apologists when he is around to hear the answers- tape, if necessary. He may just want to be in control of things, which is sad, but not uncommon.

Final thought: What does “history nut” mean? And where are you getting the history info to satisfy your interests as a “history nut?” What are you reading? That might throw some light on all this, too.

God bless,

Anna

 

[MParedon]

I have .02 to share .
I think it might be a good idea for you to go to your husband and tell him that you feel your spiritual life is growing right now and you have this interest that you fear he might be resentful of. Ask if he would be alright with you persuing your interest.

Like for example; would he be upset if you prayed the Rosary at home, or started reading more?

If he is alright with it, I also would take great care not to push him in any direction for the first 6 months to a year. Let him get comfortable with your enthusiasm and he won’t be on the defensive or be so wary when you do want to talk about Catholicism later.

 

[caroljm36]

MParedon:

I have .02 to share .
I think it might be a good idea for you to go to your husband and tell him that you feel your spiritual life is growing right now and you have this interest that you fear he might be resentful of. Ask if he would be alright with you persuing your interest.

Like for example; would he be upset if you prayed the Rosary at home, or started reading more?

If he is alright with it, I also would take great care not to push him in any direction for the first 6 months to a year. Let him get comfortable with your enthusiasm and he won’t be on the defensive or be so wary when you do want to talk about Catholicism later.

No I would never push him. In fact, the more I think about it the more I realize how Christ-like he is in action, and I have a lot to learn from him. We have both sinned in the past but I believe my life was far worse than his, overall. So I have to run to catch up.

 

[caroljm36]

MParedon:

I have .02 to share .
I think it might be a good idea for you to go to your husband and tell him that you feel your spiritual life is growing right now and you have this interest that you fear he might be resentful of. Ask if he would be alright with you persuing your interest.

Like for example; would he be upset if you prayed the Rosary at home, or started reading more?

If he is alright with it, I also would take great care not to push him in any direction for the first 6 months to a year. Let him get comfortable with your enthusiasm and he won’t be on the defensive or be so wary when you do want to talk about Catholicism later.