Repressed SSA Guilt, Advice needed

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Duckling

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Hello,

I struggle with SSA. And I didn’t realize until recently that I did, because I repressed it and denied it for years. But deep down I knew that it was a struggle of mine and recently I told one of my friends. He’s actually okay with it, but I’m not. I know it’s not right.

But I can’t help but feel unloved the way I am. I know it’s not my identity and my identity is in Christ alone. But it’s something I can’t help. I feel rejected by God, even though it’s something I strongly disagree with, and I know God loves me no matter what, I feel like he hates that unnatural, natural-feeling part of me.

I need advice on how to handle this and stop feeling rejected.

Also please tell me if I put this in the wrong category and I’ll switch it. Thanks.
 
Hey, I’ve been in a similar boat. I recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Shame-Attachment-Loss-Practical-Reparative/dp/0997637307
It seems to be probably the best one out there. I recommend telling a friend, if you have one, that shares your views, and will encourage you.

In case your confused on this, remember you are not at fault for having homosexual attractions, It’s only your actions and choices that make the sin. Use the feelings as an oppurtunity to dig deeper in order to bring healing to your identity issues and shame.

the therapy is less about “changing orientation”, and more about “living assertively and fully”, It’s called Shame and Attachment loss, because a crux of therapy tends to reveal a gender inferiority complex and/or a great deal of emotional pain burried within that needs resolution. Solving the emotional issues can bring about some change as a side effect, as it sees the ssa as a symptom of a deeper problem.

I’m still struggling occasionally with some flare ups of homosexual thoughts, during stressfull times, but overall I’ve definately exerienced a change of sorts. My feelings towards the same sex don’t usually go sexual anymore, though I might find someone visually , or emotionally attractive, and I’m starting to have just the tiniest of crushes on girls, much like I did in middle school before puberty. They come and go with mood. I do not see it as impossible that I might get married someday, though I’m not trying to right now.

I do have a lot of work to do, as I have very few friends, am pretty emotionally disconnected from my own family; theres still a lot i have to work on, but the change I have experienced has been in a positive direction.

It would be great if you had a therapist with this book who is willing to work with you on this, but It’s unfortunately unlikely.

reparative therapy is stignitized by popular media, which points to the unqualified people who do not know what they are doing, as a way to object all of it. phsycological orginizations are definately under political pressure to condem all therapy of this sort, but I still reccomend this book. You can look at articles about it(under resources) on the author’s website: josephnicolosi.com

To get started though I would start by examining inferiority and confidence issues in your relationships.
When you experience homosexual feelings, think carefully about what happened recently, and try to identity shame incidents that might have set you off, so you can learn to handle them. _For example, If you called up a friend, and from his voice you could tell he didn’t want to hang out, that could set off shame, “I’m not good enough”. If instead of reacting (being angry, or simply upset), you stuff it in and don’t blame him for it,you instead end up blaming yourself for being hurt, which can allow feelings of inferiority to boil up.

The first place your gonna have to notice and manage your emotions is with your own family, and that’s probably where they are gonna be the strongest and unexpectedly burried.
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I hope that makes sense. Your probably better off reading some of the stories or articles on that website though to get started, as my advice is pretty haphazzard. I’m not a trained therapist, so I don’t really know what I’m doing very well when giving advice to someone else, but I know that the book was effective for me.
If this is all confusing, please just take a look at the book and/or website.

And one point during reflection I totally snapped, cause I realized how broken and/or incomplete my relationships with my parents were, and how they failed to meet my emotional needs, and that I was still incredibly lonely because of it. I was crying for like two days straight.
This is one reason I wish I had a therapist working with me on this, because It was overwhelming emotional stuff to dwell on, and I didn’t have any emotional support save God and myself.

There are a good few other people on the forums who have struggled with ssa as well, and so you will most likely hear them speak up as well. Please ask me any questions if you have them.
 
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Dear Duckling,

I too am attracted to the same sex. Here is my simple message for you: God loves you, just the way you are, no matter what! Period, done, end of story. Take a deep breath, and stop internally insisting to yourself that “you must change”. God’s got a plan for you, and you don’t know what it is. It could involve this thorn being taken away, but – in my experience – this thorn is rarely taken away. No matter what, the central love story in your life is the love story between you and the Lord. He wants your attention, and He loves you to pieces. Accept that love.

A couple practical questions that affect any practical advice you might get here: are you male or female? How old are you? Are you also attracted to the opposite sex, or not really?
 
Thanks both @Prodigal_Son and @Joe_73. Your messages mean a lot.

Thanks for the resources, and thank you for sharing. I too am emotionally disconnected from my parents as they don’t know of my Catholic faith and therefore can’t support me the way parents normally can/should. I’ll definitely check out that website, and I’ll check out the book if I can! 🙂

Both your messages were 100% what I needed to hear. I feel very directionless with this struggle and as I’ve said before the only one of my friends who knows actually approves of it and wants me to express myself as bisexual if “that’s the way life takes me”. Which was intimidating because as a young person I do struggle with identity and sense of self, often worrying about it too much and thinking about it too much as who I am as a human being in 2017 rather than who I am in Christ.
I often question my faith because the only reason I consider myself Catholic is because I kept an open mind. And I think although Catholicism is a solid religion, it’s only fair for me to treat other things with an open mind.
(So far i’ve found nothing as true and righteous as Catholicism though.)

To answer your questions, I’n a girl, I’m 15, and I’m attracted to both sexes.
 
Duckling,

I gotta go to bed, but before I do, let me say that you might want to check out Eve Tushnet’s book “Gay and Catholic”. I’ve met Eve, and she is a really down-to-earth and kind person. I don’t know whether I would swear by every word she’s written on the subject of same-sex attraction, but she’s got a lot of wisdom. I personally don’t know a lot about the experience of women with same-sex attraction, but Eve does.

Eve also has a blog, though it is exceedingly random sometimes!
 
You should feel the same way about SSA as I feel about my proclivity to slam heroin into my veins.

Not necessarily ashamed or guilty, but rather extra vigilant to not even give a single inch to the beast that lives in me.

I must not compromise with that beast, but fight it and never accept it as normal.
 
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How old are you?

Am :pray:t2::pray:t2::pray:t2: For you to have peace and wholeness in our dear Jesus!
 
Whoops, I’m so sorry (didn’t see where you said your age).
There is a ton of good advice in this thread…
All I can add is please always remember you are a beloved daughter of God, and life is a marathon and not a sprint 😁
But I’ll remember you in my prayers tonight.
God bless…
 
Duckling said:
But I can’t help but feel unloved the way I am.
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God loves as for what we are, his creation. God doesn’t like some of what we do. Those things we do are of our own free will. But no matter what we do God still loves us for what we are.

We all have sinful things that tempt us. One of the points of life, which is a struggle, is us deciding whether we do it our way or God’s way. When we have a temptation for something that is wrong we have a choice. Some temptations are stronger than others. Different people have different temptations. But we all are called to resist temptation to do what is wrong.
 
That’s okay, yeah. Thanks for the book recommendation. I’ll definitely check it out 🙂
 
Guilt I think is itself a repression, it is repressed fear, guilt is about perfectionism, it is about something never coming back or being perfect again. For example the breaking of a precious vase brings forth feelings of guilt. It is about things which needn’t be brought back by God, a broken vase isn’t to be valued in such a way.

In this manner guilt is about objects, think of Lot’s wife, guilt is about letting go and she couldn’t let go of the life she had built in Canaan, this would match that guilt is about our properties and our possessions and that it isn’t about people it is about being perfect in a way we were never meant to be perfect. Likewise when we feel guilt I think we must press on ahead and don’t dwell on what lies behind us.

For think of a seed which becomes a tree, a person with a penetrating gaze (which isn’t good, such a thing is intrusive) would say the seed shall become a tree or that I shall become this or that and I know it to be. Such is disregarding the miracle of life, you don’t know what you will become, that is for God to know, you can’t say I perceive everything that shall be and in doing so I accept the moment, the now of living as perfect, you can’t do that because the world isn’t perfect and neither are we, instead of being perfect like a vase people are in a process of becoming.

If you are objectifying your own sex then you presumably are feeling guilty, if you aren’t however I think you would be more likely to feel shame. Remember the feeling of guilt doesn’t make us guilty, guilt isn’t a feeling and it isn’t for you to determine your guilt, the best you can do is confess and be forgiven for the same sins of sexuality which we all unwillingly commit and be accepted once more.
 
I apologize if I made an error on that we are of course made in the image of God and thereby perfect in his likeness.
 
I’ve seen it described this way, guilt is the feeling of “I did wrong”, and shame is the feeling of “I am bad”. in guilt we want to fix or undo our mistakes. shame isn’t so helpful, at least in excess, because, we end up ostracising ourselves.
 
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Daniel Mattson wrote a book Why I don’t Call Myself Gay. I am interested to read the book because several people said they can relate to him, even though they don’t have ssa themswlves.
 
I’d suggest you get involved with your Catholic Youth Group. Surround yourself with peers who are trying to live as Catholics in this world.
 
Hello there, I might come in as an annoying and unsymphatetic guy, but I’m here to remind something that hasn’t been told yet.
People these days are very secular and will twist anything to make their lifestyle seems like the correct way to go.
I would suggest you deepen your faith. Ask personally from God , that “I want to feel your love, Father”. That works for me when I’m feeling worthless and very guilty in front of God, even though I don’t have SSA.
The way I see it your guilt here represents a warning. A warning to not give in and embrace the secular culture’s way of accepting SSA, it has twisted the meaning of family and marriage, it has also degrade sex into act of pleasure alone and abandon procreation as one of it’s integral parts.
Never succumb into your own earthly desire if it leads into a sin.
I will also pray for you, so that you may find what you’re looking for in Christ. Stay strong!
 
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