Request for Advice

[ToTheHeights]

If anyone, married persons especially, is willing to offer me some relationship advice, I would appreciate it.

Essentially my question boils down to this: to what degree is it appropriate to “settle” when choosing your spouse? I phrase the question this way in spite of the conventional wisdom that one should “never settle,” because our fallen nature means we MUST settle to some degree. Perhaps my reasoning here is faulty and someone can set me straight. Anyway, I need advice because I constantly find myself dissatisfied with the women I date despite them being, objectively, great. I don’t know if I just haven’t found the right person yet or am being too picky or what.

For a little background: I’m a 26 year old man, in full communion with the Magisterium, have a good job and am in graduate school, have always remained chaste, don’t have any issues with pornography, no excessive alcohol use, good family, etc. etc.

Currently I’m dating a 25 year old woman. She’s beautiful, has a good family from what I can tell, has remained chaste, wants lots of kids (as do I), has the same interests as me (we were both collegiate athletes in the same sport, for example), is in graduate school, dresses modestly yet stylishly, and is otherwise good on the major moral issues. She even taught confirmation classes, ran the Catholic campus ministry at her alma mater for a year, and is always involved in her parish.

Now the down side: She has been in secular environments for all of her education and it shows sometimes. Her college, for example, was very much dominated by greek life. She never joined a sorority, thank God, but that culture still seems to have rubbed off on her a little bit. She is a little too physical. I don’t know, maybe I’m being ridiculous but I think she kisses too passionately. On our second date, no less, was the first time and she initiated it (that bugs me too). I’m of the mindset that I would rather wait a ways into the relationship before even the first kiss. She also has a tendency to gossip, which is very much a turn off. And maybe this is nitpicky, but she can’t cook.

I’m sure no one cares about every little detail so I’ll just leave it at that. Is it unrealistic or unreasonable to expect to find someone better than this? I keep coming back to this quote from Pope Francis:
“How difficult it is in our time to make important decisions! The ephemeral seduces us. We are victims of a tendency that pushes us towards the ephemeral… as if we wished to remain adolescents throughout our lives! We must not be afraid of definitive commitments, of commitments that involve and have an effect on our whole lives. In this way our lives will be fruitful”

Thank you for any help

 

[Theodore_Jones]

If anyone, married persons especially, is willing to offer me some relationship advice, I would appreciate it.

Essentially my question boils down to this: to what degree is it appropriate to “settle” when choosing your spouse? I phrase the question this way in spite of the conventional wisdom that one should “never settle,” because our fallen nature means we MUST settle to some degree. Perhaps my reasoning here is faulty and someone can set me straight. Anyway, I need advice because I constantly find myself dissatisfied with the women I date despite them being, objectively, great. I don’t know if I just haven’t found the right person yet or am being too picky or what.

For a little background: I’m a 26 year old man, in full communion with the Magisterium, have a good job and am in graduate school, have always remained chaste, don’t have any issues with pornography, no excessive alcohol use, good family, etc. etc.

Currently I’m dating a 25 year old woman. She’s beautiful, has a good family from what I can tell, has remained chaste, wants lots of kids (as do I), has the same interests as me (we were both collegiate athletes in the same sport, for example), is in graduate school, dresses modestly yet stylishly, and is otherwise good on the major moral issues. She even taught confirmation classes, ran the Catholic campus ministry at her alma mater for a year, and is always involved in her parish.

Now the down side: She has been in secular environments for all of her education and it shows sometimes. Her college, for example, was very much dominated by greek life. She never joined a sorority, thank God, but that culture still seems to have rubbed off on her a little bit. She is a little too physical. I don’t know, maybe I’m being ridiculous but I think she kisses too passionately. On our second date, no less, was the first time and she initiated it (that bugs me too). I’m of the mindset that I would rather wait a ways into the relationship before even the first kiss. She also has a tendency to gossip, which is very much a turn off. And maybe this is nitpicky, but she can’t cook.

I’m sure no one cares about every little detail so I’ll just leave it at that. Is it unrealistic or unreasonable to expect to find someone better than this? I keep coming back to this quote from Pope Francis:
“How difficult it is in our time to make important decisions! The ephemeral seduces us. We are victims of a tendency that pushes us towards the ephemeral… as if we wished to remain adolescents throughout our lives! We must not be afraid of definitive commitments, of commitments that involve and have an effect on our whole lives. In this way our lives will be fruitful”

Thank you for any help

Try “Dear Abby”.

 

[mommamaree]

Short answer: snatch her up before someone else does!

Long answer: It sounds like you two might be really compatible, but her passionate behavior is a bit alarming to you, personally. Consider that the same passion which alarms you now may be quite the blessing to you within marriage. But, if you decide you want to pursue serious courtship with her, for the sake of chastity for you both, discuss and agree upon some ground rules that will help you avoid a near occasion of sin. Just be careful never to make her feel ashamed of her passion. Help her to channel and subdue it for a time with those ground rules. Becoming ashamed of one’s passion, in either gender, can lead to frigidity.
As for the gossip, that is also a minor consideration, unless she is vicious about it. You can remind her not to gossip, and change the subject if she starts gossiping.
Finally, the cooking. This is a skill that can easily be learned, and together, as a fun thing to enjoy your relationship and prepare for your vocation. Why not sign up for a couples cooking class. Some people really enjoy cooking together, and find it adds to their romance. If you are at a college, it might be possible for you to find such a class. If not, you could make a regular cooking date, where you pick the menu, prepare and eat it together, and enjoy wine and music. How romantic would that be?! Then she can pick up some skills over time and you have fun things to do together.
Good luck with your discerning. It sounds to me like you have got a keeper!

 

[new_atheist]

G’day Mate. I’ve been married for 16 years and I myself, can’t tell what led us to cross paths. First, I acknowledged that I’m not a perfect man. Therefore, I expect that the lady I was to marry wasn’t also perfect. We both have our own idiosyncrasy. There were some subjects that we didn’t agree upon (science, politics, religion) and some stuff were we found common ground (lifestyle, entertainment). We discussed everything with no holds barred. That’s the only way we learned from each other. I think you need to take your time. Maybe, also lower your own expectations (life is not easy) and what you see in others or in fiction (books, movies) will always be different in your case. As to when to settle down, you will know from within you when is the right time. Trust your instinct and you will determine when is the ideal time to pop the question. Just my own view.
Maybe the other forumers may be of help.

P.S. We both didn’t know anything about cooking when we married. We just learned as time went by.

 

[SimpleChristian]

First, you will not find the perfect woman. My best friend has tried for almost 50 years; he is still single and looking. We all have faults and issues that may irritate our spouse (boyfriend or girlfriend).

Open communication is critical to a relationship. Open means discussing the unknown issues, but also open “minded.” I love cooking, and I do most of it. My wife loves the outdoors. She cuts the grass and does the lawn work. I am sure some neighbors in the past thought I was a horrible husband based on seeing her out there, but they did not see me cleaning the house and cooking. That makes no difference; the real focus is that is what makes us happy (also, I do help her outside and she cooks sometimes too).

In your case, talk to each other about it now, and definitely talk to your priest about any
issues, prior to getting married (which you will do if married as a Catholic). You may find that some of the things that bother you can be corrected or you also find they are not a real problem. As you work through your issues, I always suggest that each of you evaluate “will.” Is it God’s will or your will? That seems to help me make decisions.

I hope that makes sense, and I will pray for you.

 

[Book_Worm]

Yes, no one is perfect.

The trick to finding the one who is perfect for you. One whose weaknesses are your strengths and whose strengths are your weaknesses. One whose weaknesses don’t bother you too much.

But you will never find someone who has no faults. And even if you did, why would she want to marry you? In all likelihood, you have some faults of your own. For instance, you sound a little judgmental.

 

[Xantippe]

TotheHeights said:

“Essentially my question boils down to this: to what degree is it appropriate to “settle” when choosing your spouse?”

I think it shouldn’t feel like settling. I think you should feel like you are really lucky beyond your deserts to have her. If she doesn’t make you feel that way (and if she doesn’t feel that way about you), move on.

Of course, it may be that your standards are way too high and you are doomed never to meet a woman who matches them, but even then, it’s just not fair to marry somebody while thinking you are “settling.”

What I would very much discourage you from doing is having an image in your head of the ideal woman and then judging real women against that imaginary woman. That is not going to lead to happiness. Real people have flaws, and often the flaws are connected in some way to real virtues. For instance, take gossip. It may be that your girlfriend has a problem with gossip, but at the same time, that may be a reflection of her real engagement and real concern for other people. (I have a friend like that.)

“Anyway, I need advice because I constantly find myself dissatisfied with the women I date despite them being, objectively, great. I don’t know if I just haven’t found the right person yet or am being too picky or what. For a little background: I’m a 26 year old man, in full communion with the Magisterium, have a good job and am in graduate school, have always remained chaste, don’t have any issues with pornography, no excessive alcohol use, good family, etc. etc.”

26 is early days.

One thing that springs to mind is whether you might not be having too easy a time with chastity. Is it possible that you are not having trouble with having to battle 3 alarm fires because there’s no fire at all? If you are undersexed, this could be a terrible match for your girlfriend and a source of deep unhappiness to both of you.

“On our second date, no less, was the first time and she initiated it (that bugs me too). I’m of the mindset that I would rather wait a ways into the relationship before even the first kiss. She also has a tendency to gossip, which is very much a turn off.”

Is it negative, destructive gossip or is it just talking about people? Talking about people is what normal women do.

“And maybe this is nitpicky, but she can’t cook.”

Well, work on it together. It’s a perfect time.

How long have you been dating?

 

[ManOnFire]

If anyone, married persons especially, is willing to offer me some relationship advice, I would appreciate it.

Essentially my question boils down to this: to what degree is it appropriate to “settle” when choosing your spouse? I phrase the question this way in spite of the conventional wisdom that one should “never settle,” because our fallen nature means we MUST settle to some degree. Perhaps my reasoning here is faulty and someone can set me straight. Anyway, I need advice because I constantly find myself dissatisfied with the women I date despite them being, objectively, great. I don’t know if I just haven’t found the right person yet or am being too picky or what.

For a little background: I’m a 26 year old man, in full communion with the Magisterium, have a good job and am in graduate school, have always remained chaste, don’t have any issues with pornography, no excessive alcohol use, good family, etc. etc.

Currently I’m dating a 25 year old woman. She’s beautiful, has a good family from what I can tell, has remained chaste, wants lots of kids (as do I), has the same interests as me (we were both collegiate athletes in the same sport, for example), is in graduate school, dresses modestly yet stylishly, and is otherwise good on the major moral issues. She even taught confirmation classes, ran the Catholic campus ministry at her alma mater for a year, and is always involved in her parish.

Now the down side: She has been in secular environments for all of her education and it shows sometimes. Her college, for example, was very much dominated by greek life. She never joined a sorority, thank God, but that culture still seems to have rubbed off on her a little bit. She is a little too physical. I don’t know, maybe I’m being ridiculous but I think she kisses too passionately. On our second date, no less, was the first time and she initiated it (that bugs me too). I’m of the mindset that I would rather wait a ways into the relationship before even the first kiss. She also has a tendency to gossip, which is very much a turn off. And maybe this is nitpicky, but she can’t cook.

I’m sure no one cares about every little detail so I’ll just leave it at that. Is it unrealistic or unreasonable to expect to find someone better than this? I keep coming back to this quote from Pope Francis:
“How difficult it is in our time to make important decisions! The ephemeral seduces us. We are victims of a tendency that pushes us towards the ephemeral… as if we wished to remain adolescents throughout our lives! We must not be afraid of definitive commitments, of commitments that involve and have an effect on our whole lives. In this way our lives will be fruitful”

Thank you for any help

The self-centered Culture is the one telling us not to “settle,” in other words, don’t “give in.” “Giving in” is sacrificing your unrealistic standards. Have some Mercy, man. Too much Fire? No such thing. If you are going to be so unforgiving, you might want to consider that she might deserve better than you.

 

[chefmomster2]

Never, not once, in your post do you mention the one truly essential element…LOVE!

It is the strength and motivation to stay together, work together, pray together and raise a family together. Life is very tough and the love, respect and compassion you feel for one another is what unites you into a solid team. She seems to have all of your checklist items to be “the One”, but your almost clinical evaluation causes me to have concerns about your real connection to her beyond these “requirements”.

Does the thought of her make you smile? If you are apart for a few days is there an emptiness in you? Does seeing her thrill and excite you? Do you connect with her on an intimate (non-sexual) level? Do you know her dreams, her fears, her greatest moments in life, her hurt places? Do you hunger to know more and more and more about her? Do you long to spend every moment with her?

Although sexuality is certainly not the most important aspect of your union, it is an aspect that can be problematic. Be certain that you feel attracted to her and that your chastity is not masking fear or a lack of desire. A significant disconnect in your levels of desire for intimacy is difficult in a marriage. I have dealt with that issue almost continually in my marriage and it can drive a real wedge between you. We have been married for over 30 years, though, so it can be done. I mention this not to stress this more than other areas, but rather because of your concerns.

Finally, I fear that you have not fully disclosed your feelings and concerns to your girlfriend. Without clear and effective communication a marriage is DOOMED! If you cannot talk to the one most significant person in your life, then who can you talk to? Perhaps you need to look in a mirror and, as I told my son, ask yourself… Is the guy in the mirror worthy of her? Is he prepared to honor her and love her and sacrifice for her?

The good news is that you are looking into these doubts and considering them before making the commitment. That is one HUGE positive in your favor!

I am sure you will find the answer to your questions through careful introspection. Pre-marital counseling could also be a good thing. Your parish priest should be able to talk with you. You will be in my prayers.

 

[pianistclare]

I believe that you have found some good advice here.

Having said that, I’m astounded that every guy who has ever posted “PLEASE GOD, WHERE CAN I FIND A GOOD WOMAN” has not flooded you with requests for her phone number.

She kissed you passionately? Shocker. Ok, I’m sounding mean here…but really?
Maybe she’s falling in love with you.

If you have doubts, don’t marry her and then break her heart.
and cooking? Can YOU cook? Just when I think we’ve gotten out of the age of “me bring home beast—you cook beast” I see it in print again.
Gob bless you…I feel a “chill out” coming on.

But yeah…what everyone says. Don’t settle. It you feel like you are settling…you are settling. I’m just not sure a passionate kiss and a cold stove are hills to die on.

God bless you on your quest to a fulfilling marriage.

 

[Catholic1954]

Marriage generally brings out the worst in us. If you are bugged by this girl’s faults now, you will be bugged 10 times as much three years after the wedding (and she will probably pick up some new ones that will annoy you even more). You can give the relationship more time to see where it goes, but I didn’t hear any convincing reason why you want to spend the rest of your life with this person and make her the mother of your children. A very wise mother of 10 once told me that marriage isn’t about love, it is about two people occupying the same space at the same time and sharing a bathroom! How right she is.

 

[Theodore_Jones]

Marriage generally brings out the worst in us. If you are bugged by this girl’s faults now, you will be bugged 10 times as much three years after the wedding (and she will probably pick up some new ones that will annoy you even more). You can give the relationship more time to see where it goes, but I didn’t hear any convincing reason why you want to spend the rest of your life with this person and make her the mother of your children. A very wise mother of 10 once told me that marriage isn’t about love, it is about two people occupying the same space at the same time and sharing a bathroom! How right she is.

That is very sound advice.

 

[seeker_of_God]

No offense, but you sound really judgmental.

Everyone has faults. My wife and I could pick out 100 faults about each other. But we love each other anyway.

My wife always told me that love was a decision, not a feeling. I really agree with that, though of course the feeling should be there, too. But when the feeling disappears —*and it will — is there still enough left to maintain a healthy relationship? Whomever you marry, you will drive her crazy, and she will drive you crazy. What defines a good marriage is whether you can live with each other’s faults and still love them anyway.

I think you have a lot of emotional immaturity from what you’ve posted here. Who cares she kissed you on the second date? If she is chaste, exactly how is she “secular” and who cares? I went to public school all my life, but I’m fully Catholic and none the worse for ware I think.

 

[ack]

Never, not once, in your post do you mention the one truly essential element…LOVE!

 

[ToTheHeights]

Thank you to everyone who offered a polite reply. She visited me this weekend and we made the rounds, spending time with many of my friends and family. Seeing her interact with them confirmed what a wonderful person she is and allowed me to see her in a different light. They all loved her, which means a lot to me. I think much of what I saw in her that scared me was the result of either her nervousness or my over-thinking or both. Anyway, thanks again!