Resentment and Forgiveness

  • Thread starter Thread starter KCT
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
K

KCT

Guest
Do you believe that if you have resentment towards someone it means that you have not forgiven and forgotten?

My husband is ADD and has done & said many hurtful things in the 20+ yrs we have been married. He is beginning to address his issues, which may include more than just ADD, for which I am grateful.

He thinks because I have some resentment about his past behavior that I have not forgiven, which means I have not forgotten. Frankly, I think it’s unreasonable to think there will be no resentment over what he’s done over the years. It takes time to get over these things. (He admits he can be a jerk!)

My hope is that once he gets individual help learning to deal with his anger and over reacting, we can go together to a marriage counselor and begin to deal w/ the past hurts. In the mean time, I am doing my best to forgive, but it doesn’t mean those memories dissapear. —KCT
 
If you have truly forgiven him, then you need to let go of the resentment. Jesus told us to forgive others of their transgressions, I don’t think He mentioned that we necessarily have to forget them, too. We have a memory and it’s impossible to forget things that others have done to us. But forgiveness allows us to start over and leave resentment behind. This does take time and much effort. Have you gone to confession or talked with a priest about this? Forgiveness is a wonderful thing for the soul, but I have found that it requires a constant effort on my part to not let resentment and hard feelings crop up and ruin it all. It’s good that your husband is trying to make things better. Try to concentrate on that positive aspect and help him to improve his behavior. Your attitude can make or break his efforts to be a better husband and person. I’ll be praying for you both.
 
i do think that it is necessary to forget in order to be able to completely forgive a person. I am not saying that you need to forget when a person physically abuses you but it is better to forget some things especially as you know that it is part of a psychological problem.
 
I once heard a story about the dynamics of resentment, forgiveness and forgetting:
Fenceposts and Forgiveness

There once was a little boy who had a very bad temper.

His dad gave him a bag of nails and told him, "Son, every time you lose your temper, mouth off, or feel angry, hammer a nail into this fencepost.

The first day the boy hammered 23 nails into the fencepost. Driving those big nails into that old fencepost was hard work. His small arms were sore, but hammering those nails in all the way made him feel better.

Over the next days, the boy continued to hammer nails. This outlet for his anger resulted in gradually fewer outbursts, and the boy felt less angry. Four days later, the boy gave back the empty bag of nails to his father.

They walked out to look at the fencepost. His dad said, “Now son, turn the hammer around. Every time you lose your temper, mouth off, or feel angry, pull out one of these nails from the fencepost.”

The boy found pulling those nails out was much harder than hammering them in. Each nail pulled out brought to memory the anger with which it was driven in. The boy began to feel sorry he lost his temper so often. Weeks later, he pulled the last nail out of the fencepost.

The boy and his father walked out again to look at the fencepost.

“You have worked hard, son. You have learned that anger has consequences. Look at the fencepost, it will never be the same. It is full of deep holes. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.”

Words are like knives. You can stab a knife in someone, draw it out, and it won’ t matter how many times you say I’m sorry. The wound is still there. A verbal wound often hurts as bad as a flesh wound.
Click to expand...
And I post this as someone who constantly seeks her husband’s forgiveness…and my heavenly Father’s. The effects of sin are ugly, indeed.
 
Hi, you brought up 3 things: resentment, forgiving, and forgetting.

For a long time I struggled with forgiving a former employer whom I believe took advantage of me (to the tune of $300K). I would lie awake every night fretting on this, and forgetting that I have a wonderful family, food on the table, and a roof over my head. I resented him, and did not forgive or forget.

Then I took the Gospel to heart, and decided to pray for this “enemy”. So for a few years now I’ve been praying for God to shower blessings upon him, especially the things he needs for his own salvation.

At this point, I remember what he did. But it’s hard to ask God to shower somebody with blessings and still hold resentment towards him. And yes, I have forgiven him.

I credit praying for this.
 
If you carry resentment you have not completely forgiven him. Forgetting is something else. My husband is a recovered alcoholic and there have been some very painful things I endured earlier in our marriage. It took a long time to completly forgive him(years actually). It was slow, kind of like a wound healing. It’s very hard to forgive if someone continues hurtful behavior. How can you not resent the past if he still does it now?

As far as forgetting I hardly think that is possible. I can remember the events that happened in the past but I remember them without feeling bitterness or even that little twinge of pain in the heart.

If you hubby is blaming the ADD for hurtful behaviors and not taking responsibility (“I did it, I was wrong, I am sorry” -not “I’m sorry but I couldn’t help it or I’m sorry but you know I have a prooblem”) it’s going to be much harder to heal. My husband was an alcoholic and much of his behavior was related to that but he still had own up to it and not excuse it.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. True forgiveness and healing take time. As God for the grace to forgive your hubby. You hubby needs to keep working on his issues so you can both move forward.

God Bless.
 
Thanks for being honest! I do need to let go of anger and resentment. I like the analogy of a wound healing.
—KCT
 
Bitterness, Resentment and Unforgiveness - By Joyce Meyer

Many people ruin their lives and their health by eating the poison of bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness. Matthew 18:23-35 tells us that, if we do not forgive people, we get turned over to the torturers. If you have a problem in this area or have ever had one, I am sure you bear witness with what I am saying. It is torture to have hateful thoughts rolling around inside of you toward another person.

Who Are You Helping When You Forgive?

Who are you helping the most when you forgive the person who hurt you? Actually, you are helping yourself more than the other person. I always looked at forgiving people who had hurt me as being a really hard thing to do. I thought it seemed so unfair for them to receive forgiveness when I had gotten hurt. I got pain, and they got free without having to pay for the pain they caused me. Now I realized that I am helping myself when I choose to forgive. I am helping the other person also by releasing them, so God can do what only He can do. If I am in the way, trying to get revenge or taking care of the situation myself instead of trusting and obeying God, He has no obligation to deal with that person. However, God will deal with the people who hurt us if we will put them in His hands through forgiveness. It is our seed of obedience to His Word; and once we have sown our seed, He will bring a harvest of blessing to us one way or another.

I am helping myself, because when I forgive I release God to work. I am happy when I am not full of the poison of unforgiveness. I feel better physically. Serious diseases can come as a result of the stress and pressure that bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness put on a person. Mark 11:22-26 clearly teaches us that unforgiveness hinders our faith from working. The Father cannot forgive our sins if we do not forgive other people (we reap what we sow). Sow mercy, and you will reap mercy; sow judgement, and you will reap judgement. Do yourself a favor and forgive.

There are still more benefits of forgiveness. When you are willing to forgive, your fellowship with God has a free flow. Unforgiveness blocks it. Paul said that we are to forgive in order to keep Satan from getting an advantage over us (11 Corinthians 2: 10-11). Ephesians 4:26-27 says that we are not to let the sun go down on our anger. Do not give the devil any such foothold or opportunity. Remember that the devil must have a foothold before he can get a stronghold. Be quick to forgive. Do not help the devil torture you. I also think it is hard to hate one person and love another. When we are full of wrong things, it is hard to treat anybody right. Even people you want to love may be suffering from your bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness.
continued below
 
**How To Forgive **

Like everything else, there are practical steps to forgiving people that must be taken if we are going to be successful at it. I asked the Lord why so many people seem to want to forgive and yet are not successful doing it. He said, “because they are not obeying what I tell them to do in the Word.” As I searched the Word, I found the following instructions:
  1. Decide. You will never forgive if you wait to feel like it. Choose to obey God and steadfastly resist the devil in his attempts to poison you again with bitter thoughts. Make a quality decision, and God will heal your wounded emotions in due time.
  2. Depend. You cannot forgive without the power of the Holy Spirit. It is too hard to do on your own. If you are truly willing, God will enable you; but you are going to need to humble yourself and cry out to Him for help. In John 20:22-23, Jesus breathed on the disciples and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit. " His next instruction was about forgiving people. We certainly can use this as an example and ask Him to breathe on us that we might be able to forgive those who hurt us.
  3. Obey. There are several things we are told do in the Word concerning forgiving our enemies.
a. Pray for your enemies and those who abuse and misuse you. Pray for their happiness and welfare (Luke 6:27-28 Amplified). As you pray, God may be able to give them revelation that will bring them out of deception. They may not even be aware they hurt you, or maybe they are aware but are so self-centered that they do not care. Either way, they need revelation.

b. Bless and do not curse them (Romans 12:14). In the Greek, to bless means “to speak well of” and to curse means “to speak evil of.” You cannot forgive and gossip or be a talebearer. You must stop repeating the offense. You cannot get over it and also continue to talk about it. Proverbs 17:9 says that he who seeks to cover an offense seeks love.

Who Should Forgive?

Forgive the person from long ago who hurt you very badly and also the person whom you did not know in the grocery store, for stepping on your toe. Take those two extremes and forgive them in addition to everyone in between. Forgive quickly. The quicker you do it, the easier it is. Forgive freely. Matthew 10:8 says freely you have received, freely give. Forgiveness means to excuse a fault, absolve from payment, pardon, send away, cancel, and bestow favor unconditionally.

When you forgive, you must cancel the debt. Do not spend your life paying and collecting debts. Hebrews 10:30 says that vengeance belongs to the Lord; He will repay and settle the cases of His people. Let God pay you for past injustices; do not try to collect from the people who hurt you, because the people who hurt you cannot pay you. Matthew 18:25 says …“he could not pay”.

Also forgive yourself for past sins and for hurts you have caused others. You cannot pay people back, so ask God to.
Forgive God if you are angry at Him because your life did not turn out the way you thought it should. God is always just. There may be things you do not understand; but God loves you, and people make a serious mistake if they will not receive help from the only One who can truly help.

You may even need to forgive an object—the post office, bank, a certain store you feel cheated you, a car that always gave you trouble, etc. Get rid of all poison that comes from bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness; and remember Proverbs 4:23 (Amplified), “Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance…for out of it flow the springs of life.”
Unforgiveness is spiritual filthiness; get washed in the water of the Word and stay clean. God bless you!
 
I don’t think you have to forget.

Resentment is another thing though…

I hated my father for SOOOOO many years, for reasons that are very personal… And oh my I couldn’t even stand his presence, I wish he’d die every single day for more than 10 years, oh my, only God knows the grudge I held against him, if hate itself could kill, that man would have died a thousand times… But as I got closer to God I learned to forgive, and I truly forgave him, so I hold no grudge against him anymore, I know that any hurt he did to me, he’ll have to face God, not me, for it.
Now at least I’m able to act politely when he calls, don’t get me wrong, things will NEVER be like a father/daughter relationship should be, but at least I don’t waste my days wishing him death, or getting bitter about a past I can’t change.

As for the forgetting part, some things are just IMPOSSIBLE to forget.
But sure you can forgive and let go of resentment:)
 
All we need to do is make a decision to forgive and pray to the Lord to heal us of the hurts and resentment. When God grants us the grace of healing from our hurts and painful emotions, then we are able to eventually forget them…
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top