Returning feelings for ex when married

[LongingSoul]

catholicmommy, If this is something reasonably sudden (the past few weeks you said), please consider that there may be something chemically happening with your body that’s playing with your hormones. Even the onset of diabetes can mess with someones hormones. The fact is that ‘first love’ is always a special memory for most people even if it ended badly of died a natural death (and especially if it included first sex as well, which unfortunately robs subsequent marriage of a special gift). If your husband didn’t get the chance to be your first sexual partner, you have to make a special effort to undo the first bond with someone else and nurture that with him.

You also have to realise that to continue to dream of this other man getting comfort and a high from the imaginings, you are going to suppress or kill your sensitivity to the many and varied things in your life that bring natural comfort and joy. Especially the things of marriage which get taken for granted and forgotten.

Make a stance for your soul and the best person that you are, reject the fantasies and recommit unconditionally to your husband. You are guaranteed to lose yourself if you keep up with this obsessive fantasising. But also please consider the medical/hormonal aspect and have a wee blood test for diabetes and hormone imbalance. That is a very real possibility in sudden shifts of this kind.

 

[EasterJoy]

“Child," said Aslan, "did I not explain to you once before that no one is ever told what might have been?”
― C.S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

Most of all, OP, realize that no matter whether you could have done better, you cannot have the decision back.

Having said that, if I had been your first boyfriend’s friend, I would have encouraged him to let you go, and not to beg to have you back. I would have told him to wish you well and let you go. I would have said that no matter what your age was, but I’d particularly have said that since you were 19 and he was only–what?–23. I’d have told him that even if you were engaged and the invitations sent out.

Yes, I am saying this:* Breaking up was the right thing to do, both for you and for him, even with the chance that he would not get you back.* You married well. He lost you while he was still very young, and there is every chance that he married well, too, if that was his vocation. Do not regret what happened. Just hope he has done well for himself and made a happy life. You’ve been given a happy life; live it. If you ever find this difficult again, offer up the difficulty for those who truly have made wrong choices, the ones that cannot be taken back, like having an abortion, breaking up a family for the sake of an illicit lover, getting in a stubborn stupid willful falling out with a family member who died before the rift could be mended…even people in those situations have to get on with their lives. You do, too. Don’t live in the past, and don’t make that kind of mistake by how you choose to handle your memories of this decision.

 

[EasterJoy]

catholicmommy, If this is something reasonably sudden (the past few weeks you said), please consider that there may be something chemically happening with your body that’s playing with your hormones. Even the onset of diabetes can mess with someones hormones. The fact is that ‘first love’ is always a special memory for most people even if it ended badly of died a natural death (and especially if it included first sex as well, which unfortunately robs subsequent marriage of a special gift). If your husband didn’t get the chance to be your first sexual partner, you have to make a special effort to undo the first bond with someone else and nurture that with him.

You also have to realise that to continue to dream of this other man getting comfort and a high from the imaginings, you are going to suppress or kill your sensitivity to the many and varied things in your life that bring natural comfort and joy. Especially the things of marriage which get taken for granted and forgotten.

Make a stance for your soul and the best person that you are, reject the fantasies and recommit unconditionally to your husband. You are guaranteed to lose yourself if you keep up with this obsessive fantasising. But also please consider the medical/hormonal aspect and have a wee blood test for diabetes and hormone imbalance. That is a very real possibility in sudden shifts of this kind.

The problem is that if you dwell on thoughts when hormones prompt you to, the thoughts can easily wear a groove in you and become a habit that is very hard to break. It is really important to replace them with something else.

I write this all of the time, but it is like the demo where someone tells you to try to not think of an elephant. Of course that is all you can think of! You have to think of a mutually-excusive idea, instead, like “think of a predator”. So to get rid of the idea of how wonderful things might have been, think of something else. Think of how awful things might have been. Think of all the wonderful things that have happened. Think of who you think will win the Super Bowl. Whatever it takes…just get a thought habit to pop into the player whenever the prompt comes for the thought you can’t afford to dwell on. Otherwise, the problem can really get out of hand, and cause a lot of needless misery.

 

[1ke]

got it, I should get counseling. Now if you could please stop posting your opinons on this thread, they are very harsh and while they might work for others they won’t for me. I posted to get some valuable insight on what to do and how to handle these emotions, and while you may look at it as teenage fantasy, I am an adult who is feeling this way. I have gotten very good responses and advice and appreciate it, but making people feel the way your comments make me feel is not what I signed up for. It took a lot for me to come up with the courage to share and ask for some strong catholic insight.

I apologize for coming across so harshly. We all travel that “what if” road now and then. But, we cannot allow ourselves to dwell there, it is unhealthy and it can do no good.

I just don’t understand why you would want to throw away a lovely family for a teenage crush.

I do think counseling is a good idea-- get to the bottom of what you want/need/get out of these feelings and fantasizing.

 

[catholicmommy2]

Most of all, OP, realize that no matter whether you could have done better, you cannot have the decision back.

Yes, I am saying this:* Breaking up was the right thing to do, both for you and for him, even with the chance that he would not get you back.* You married well. He lost you while he was still very young, and there is every chance that he married well, too, if that was his vocation. Do not regret what happened. Just hope he has done well for himself and made a happy life. You’ve been given a happy life; live it. If you ever find this difficult again, offer up the difficulty for those who truly have made wrong choices, the ones that cannot be taken back, like having an abortion, breaking up a family for the sake of an illicit lover, getting in a stubborn stupid willful falling out with a family member who died before the rift could be mended…even people in those situations have to get on with their lives. You do, too. Don’t live in the past, and don’t make that kind of mistake by how you choose to handle your memories of this decision.

Thank you for this. Yes, I did marry well and my husband is a great man, and I do need to spend more time on thinking about the good things with him. Unfortunately I am a “need to have all the answers” kind of person, not saying this is a good thing and not having them is a soft spot for me but you are right. If this was the most difficult thing I ever did, it was still not as much so as others have done. And I am taking your advice on penance.

 

[JimG]

I apologize for coming across so harshly. We all travel that “what if” road now and then. But, we cannot allow ourselves to dwell there, it is unhealthy and it can do no good.

I just don’t understand why you would want to throw away a lovely family for a teenage crush.

I do think counseling is a good idea-- get to the bottom of what you want/need/get out of these feelings and fantasizing.

For myself, just reading the thread, I didn’t think your advice was harsh, just direct and to the point. And good advice. I hope the OP heeds it.

 

[catholicmommy2]

I apologize for coming across so harshly. We all travel that “what if” road now and then. But, we cannot allow ourselves to dwell there, it is unhealthy and it can do no good.

I just don’t understand why you would want to throw away a lovely family for a teenage crush.

I do think counseling is a good idea-- get to the bottom of what you want/need/get out of these feelings and fantasizing.

Thank you for this. The thing is I don’t want to throw anything away for my old relationship. Maybe I didn’t communicate this well. What I am looking for is a way to get through my feelings. I am looking for good advice on what to do and some answers as to why all of this happened, but I know it was because I chose it to. It’s just hard knowing that I am the one who caused someone so special to me at one time that kind of pain, no matter how long lived it was. Although it wasn’t just a crush, it was probably too mature of a relationship for any teenager to be in.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

I’ll just reiterate what others have stated and that you need to let go of your attachment to the past.

FWIW, I’ve experienced this myself, and I’ll give some examples. I used to have a friend who was a girl. We were never officially boyfriend and girlfriend, and the relationship was entirely platonic, but hung out a lot and had great times together. Then one night after I graduated high school, we were hanging out and we kind of realized that we were never going to be together for life. I really, really missed her for years on end. Then one day I realized I was wasting way too much energy on some fantasy that was never going to happen, and snapped out of it. Years after that, I found out she was a director of some GLBT program. That’s helped me realize that we split up for a very good reason, though neither of us likely understood it at the time.

Same thing with my prior marriage. It really, really sucks when you get married and are in a complete state of bliss, thinking of having family together, etc., and then have this fantasy blown to bits several years later. It’s difficult to detach from, but I finally realized that we were simply not meant to be together. That attachment is difficult to dismiss, but finally came about when I have children, which my first wife denied me.

In short, there are reasons why you are not with this person, whether you realize it or not. And that person right now is very, very unlikely to be that person you are thinking about, so you are focusing on a fantasy. Think about and appreciate what you do have, not what you don’t. Until you focus on that, you will never be happy.

God bless.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you for this. Yes, I did marry well and my husband is a great man, and I do need to spend more time on thinking about the good things with him. Unfortunately I am a “need to have all the answers” kind of person, not saying this is a good thing and not having them is a soft spot for me but you are right. If this was the most difficult thing I ever did, it was still not as much so as others have done. And I am taking your advice on penance.

I’ve been in your spot, and I do not blame you at all for wondering what happened to him. Of course you do, you care about him. I think it will help you to realize that you did nothing wrong. Not everything we do that ends in pain for ourselves or others is due to a sin on someone’s part. Very often, it is because someone took a risk, because we raised our hopes in an uncertain world…and how can one live without doing that? If you had not left him, after all, would you not be wondering the other way, instead? There will always be the road not taken; we can’t change that, we can’t take them all, we cannot get ourselves onto a road with no forks in it, and as C.S. Lewis pointed out, “no one is ever told what might have been”.

Do not beat yourself up, but try to content yourself that you are on a good road. You are not enjoying ill-gotten gains, and your old boyfriend, I am afraid, can live a very happy life without you, too. If he did not, it was not for the lack of anyone else he could have made a happy life with. The chances are, though, that you are someone he remembers with a bittersweet fondness, but whom he does not think about all that much. You ought to do the same. You are far too young and far too fortunate to live in the past!

Oh, and that “need to have all the answers” thing? Do yourself a favor and get over that. Trust me on that one, too…it is better to accept that most things worth knowing are not going to be told to either of us!!

 

[MJJean]

Unfortunately I am a “need to have all the answers” kind of person, not saying this is a good thing and not having them is a soft spot for me

If my math is correct, you are in your mid-20’s? I was also a need to know person. Over the years, I’m in my late 30’s, I realized that it’s just not possible to know everything we think important to know. I don’t like it, but I have accepted it and learned to let go.

What I am looking for is a way to get through my feelings. I am looking for good advice on what to do and some answers as to why all of this happened, but I know it was because I chose it to. It’s just hard knowing that I am the one who caused someone so special to me at one time that kind of pain, no matter how long lived it was. Although it wasn’t just a crush, it was probably too mature of a relationship for any teenager to be in.

What feelings are you trying to get through? Feelings of guilt for emotionally hurting your former flame? Feelings of love and attraction for him that linger? Both?

You could think of the break up and the resulting pain your former flame felt as kind of a good thing. Because of that experience he learned something. He learned his own inner strength, he learned more about who he is and got a better understanding of what direction in life he wanted to take.

In short, there are reasons why you are not with this person, whether you realize it or not. And that person right now is very, very unlikely to be that person you are thinking about, so you are focusing on a fantasy. Think about and appreciate what you do have, not what you don’t. Until you focus on that, you will never be happy.
God bless.

Very true.

When I was young I had an on again-off again relationship with a man I will call J. It lasted 6 years. He was there through the birth of my daughter, a disasterous marriage, the death of my mother. He was the first man I ever loved, physically and emotionally, and my closest friend.

I eventually met my husband, a wonderful man I deeply love, but I still thought about J occasionally. I missed his intelligence and his advice and his humor. I wondered if he was doing well and I sometimes even wondered what might have been. The problem was that I was thinking of both of us as we were back then.

A couple years after I last saw him, while I was dating my current husband, I had the opportunity to spend some time with J. A few hours spread out over a few days. Through conversation I realized that we were both very different people and that ending the relationship was the right thing to do. I was actually a bit shocked at how much we had both changed.

CatholicMommy, you really are focusing on a fantasy person who doesn’t exist anymore. The question is why? What is missing in your life that you are taking comfort or refuge in these thoughts of the former flame? Do you need more affection and attention from your husband? Do you wish you had done something different with education or a career and think about what might have been because of that? Some things worth thinking about.

 

[PaleoConCatlick]

OP,

Your story is interesting. You’ve given no detail on why you left your first bf when you were 19 for your husband. You said you were madly in love, but randomly started feeling for your husband? What did you like about him? What did he have that your bf didn’t?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Go to confession and confess that you feel you were cruel to your previous boyfriend. Then stop thinking about it so much. It’s called “ruminating,” which is a good description of what cows do to grass, they keep chewing and chewing and chewing it so they can digest it. Only if you keep chewing and chewing on this, you will only give yourself heartache.

Go to adoration. Spend time in front of Jesus. He will take away your past and point you toward His love. You don’t need to tell your husband any of this, take it to the confessional and Jesus.

 

[ccmcmg]

If my math is correct, you are in your mid-20’s? I was also a need to know person. Over the years, I’m in my late 30’s, I realized that it’s just not possible to know everything we think important to know. I don’t like it, but I have accepted it and learned to let go.

I have the tendency to feel like I ‘need to know’, but it’s lessened now that I’m older. There were things that I did get my answers to, and I needed those answers. I try to accept that there are things I will never know, no matter how much I want to. The person who has the answers will never tell me, and these are things that people take for granted from birth. I believe I have the right to know, need to know, but have to accept I won’t know. (Not to do with a former flame by any means…adoption/birthfamily)

Focus on the present and the future; when these thoughts come up, think of your husband and children, and what you love about them. Say a prayer, perhaps a Hail Mary.

God bless,

 

[JimG]

There used to be a phrase in the wedding vows (maybe there still is?) about “forsaking all others.” The implication was that there had been others, and there might have been strong feelings for them, but now a spouse had been chosen, and so those others were forsaken for good, for the sake of taking the spouse to whom the current vows were being made.

I agree with the advice that it’s best to put all that went before into the past and not revisit it. It takes a positive act of determination to do this, but it’s the best thing to do.

 

[lily22]

I would remove anything that could remind you of your attraction to the first guy-- any mementos, objects/etc. Then, read the bible. This will help a lot. Pray, go to adoration, daily mass.

 

[EasterJoy]

I would remove anything that could remind you of your attraction to the first guy-- any mementos, objects/etc. Then, read the bible. This will help a lot. Pray, go to adoration, daily mass.

This is actually a good idea. If the OP needs a ritual, she can go with a friend to a park with a fire pit and burn it all.

We need to remember, too, that her present husband will be quite aware of why she might feel guilty about this boyfriend. She broke up with this guy directly so that she could pursue a relationship with her husband. This is not just any old flame to him, then. He is very likely to understand, and he might even feel a little guilt himself, even though it is, like hers, misplaced. Still, he is also more likely to feel threatened, even though she doesn’t intend that. She needs to be very sensitive about how she handles this, because the last thing she would want to do is to sow any insecurity in her husband, who deserves unswerving fidelity.