Revealing more detail on past sins of infidelity

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Juanshark25

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I’m going to try to keep this as brief as I can. 10 years ago I cheated on my girlfriend 3 times. I ended up marrying that girlfriend 4 years ago. Before we became married I confessed to her that I was unfaithful and had cheated on her 3 times with 3 different girls. I knew that if I didn’t confess to her that I had failed her, I would in a sense be tricking her into marriage. I ended up telling her. Understandably she took struggled tremendously with that news. I know sometimes it still bothers her to this day.

Randomly today I remembered a 4th girl who I almost hooked up with. I climbed into bed with this girl and then she asked me if I loved my girlfriend. I said yes and we parted ways.

I’m wondering if I should mention this encounter to my wife even though nothing happened and it was 10 years ago. I just feel like at this point if I tell her then I’m just causing her hurt to relive pain that’s not necessary. I don’t see there being a benefit to me randomly opening up to almost cheating. If she would ask me I would tell her but I don’t see a purpose in randomly bringing it up. I’m not scared to open up about what happened. I just don’t want to hurt my wife anymore.

Any advice would be awesome.
 
This all happened before you were marrried to your wife, so technically it was not “cheating” in the eyes of the Church. I realize society nowadays views unfaithfulness in a long term unmarried relationship as “cheating”, but the sin you actually committed with all these other ladies was fornication, not breaking your vows to your girlfriend, because you hadn’t made any such vow yet.

Nevertheless, you chose to tell your girlfriend, now wife, 4 or 5 years ago that you had sex with other women behind her back 3 times and she chose to marry you anyway. I note that you didn’t have any obligation to tell her your sins, it was a choice you made.

I don’t see a point in telling her now that you suddenly remembered there waas this fourth girl that you almost had sex with before you were married. It would just be opening up an old wound from long ago that you two already worked through. Fuhgeddaboudit.
 
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Juanshark25 said:
I just feel like at this point if I tell her then I’m just causing her hurt to relive pain that’s not necessary.
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I think you are correct about this. There is no need to confess past sins to your spouse. In fact I think it was not necessary to burden her with your previous confession.
 
Slightly different to what the previous posts say, but I do think you should have confessed in the past. Yes you weren’t married but you were in a loving, exclusive relationship (or meant to be). You deceived her, so I think it was right to tell her before you married.

I don’t however feel there’s anything to be gained from bringing up that 4th person now 10 years on. Maybe IF something more had have happened, it might be better to say something, but even still, what is there to be gained.

The only reason I would tell her now would be… Imagine the scenario… 2 years down the line, she brings up the past and asks “has there been any more than the 3, or any close calls”, and you then feel the need to tell her. Imagine how hurt and lied to she will feel all over again. It might be better for you just to come out with it now.

If however you feel she will never ask, just leave it.
 
I would echo the no’s. I wouldn’t tell her. It would just be reopening an old would. it is your burden to bear, do not burden her with it as well.
 
No, just keep your vows to be faithful for the rest of your life. Look forward toward making your marriage be what God wants it to be.
 
Thanks for the help. I just want to make sure I’m doing what God wants me to do and Make sure I’m not sinning if I don’t tell her. I also want to do right by my wife.

I wish I would’ve told her way back then but I was more focused on how Telling her when I did cheat not when I almost did. It never crossed my mind to mention this incident until it randomly popped into my head today. I would be perfectly honest with her if she asked but bringing it up out of nowhere feels more of me clearing my conscience and just hurting her.
 
You answered your own question. Let it go. It happened before you were married and it was a near-occasion of infidelity. We don’t have to tell our spouses everything about our past. If you are Catholic, save it for Confession if it bothers you.
 
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