Rocky relationship with a sister: what do I do?

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CatholicZ09

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Hi, all:

I’ve been having some tough family issues going on for the past several years. About seven years ago, my sister went awol and just became a sociopathic loon. She opened up credit cards in my grandmother and parents’ names and eventually opened up one in my name. She’s stolen money from nearly everyone in the family and is constantly combative whenever she gets the chance.

She loves toying with us in ways I find exhausting. She will go “below the belt” in arguments and try to bring up stuff that has no relevance to the argument. She’s 29 years old, and it’s just sickening how she treats my mother and me.

My dad committed suicide this past summer, and I thought that would change her attitude, but it hasn’t. She goes back and forth between really nice to me and my mom and then really vindictive, telling my mom that she was the reason my dad killed himself and that my mother is a “piece of s***” regardless of what my mother has done for her all the years of my sister’s life.

My mom, sister, and I had a fight a few nights ago, and it resulted in my sister throwing something at my mother, cursing at her, and then we had to call the police to have her removed from the house.

My sister is, once again, trying to seek forgiveness, but honestly, I’ve had it. Time and time again she’s proven that she is not sorry, and I feel that she is putting on an act to win over my mother.

I honestly can’t stand her, and I worry it makes me a poor Christian. I just can’t stand someone who continually tries to tear this family apart. What do I do?
 
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Your sister is toxic and may be mentally unwell. Distance yourself from her and pray for her.

If there is some way you can get her mental health help, then do so, but having seen other people in similar situations with an adult sibling, it may be a lost cause, and you are not expected to be the keeper of an adult sibling who is out of control.
 
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Love thy neighbor does not mean we should let those who hurt us to continue hurting us. If she lives with you guys, I’d make her move out for your own sake and that of your mom. And limit contact. Maybe she will change her tune once she realizes she has nobody anymore. Maybe not. But, for your and your mother’s sake, don’t let her continue the abuse.
 
I’m sorry for what you are going through. Definitely not good to be around your sister. She probably needs mental health help. But there is probably not much you can do for her yourself other than suggest it to her. You and your mom need to distance yourselves so she doesn’t hurt you more
 
@CatholicZ09 Forgiveness does not mean turning yourself into a rug for the offender to walk on. Nor does it mean you must give the offender endless second chances when you already know they don’t want to change.
You are free to protect yourself and your mother from your abusive sister.
 
As @Tis_Bearself stated this is a toxic and potentially dangerous situation. As a result, I don’t think that you can simply let her back in to your family. She needs to be able to prove to you and your mother in a tangible way that she has truly amended her life. Prematurely, allowing her back into your lives would only further enable that toxic and violent behavior. She needs to experience the consequences for her poor behavior. You may forgive her but may never be able to fully reconcile. Reconciliation may only come when she has a profound conversion.

Meanwhile, pray for her conversion. Also, pray to forgive both her and yourself. Ask God to help you forgive her as Jesus did on the cross.
 
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CatholicZ09 said:
I just can’t stand someone who continually tries to tear this family apart. What do I do?
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There’s no way you can make her change; she would have to want to change, and she obviously doesn’t want to. You and your mother need to protect yourselves from her. After theft and physical assault, you need to have as little contact with her as possible. None at all would be better.
All you can really do is pray for her.
 
Do you know whether she has any kind of diagnosis for a mental health condition? Based purely on personal experience of people I have known and not on any kind of qualification as a mental health professional, there are some features in what you say that make me wonder whether she’s ever been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. You can’t allow her to continue to hurt you and your family, but I’m sure that it would also help everybody if you were able to identify her problems and see what help she can get.
 
Cut her off. You’re not a bad person if you do. You’ve gotta focus on yourself and your mother, not her. Pray for her, if you want, but do not have any contact whatsoever.
 
File criminal charges on the credit card fraud and protect your finances.
 
I am so sorry you have this challenge in your life. In all honesty, it sounds pretty clear to me that your sister has a mental illness of some sort. You can approach her about this and offer to help her find the help she needs. Of course, most likely, she will resent you for this and her behavior may escalate into something else. You need to protect yourself and the rest of your family, first. This may mean cutting all ties with her until she is able to seek some help.

I don’t think God wants you to suffer your sister’s behavior. If you have difficulty being charitable, remember that the brain is just an organ in the body, as is the kidney, liver, stomach, heart, etc. If she has something pathalogical with her brain, it isn’t her fault.

Again, I am really sorry you and your family are going through this. You may wish to seek some counseling yourself to help you develop some strategies for dealing with her in the wake she leaves.
 
Thank you, all, so much for the thoughtful responses.

I understand that “Love thy neighbor” does not equate to being a doormat, but whenever I show signs of being irritated with her or act angry at her, she throws the “You are such a good Christian, aren’t you?” line at me. I know she’s being vindictive, but that just makes me question whether or not what I am doing is right.

I’ve been downright nasty to her at times because she knows how to bring out the worst in people, but I know being nasty to her isn’t the answer. I have tried to be polite and friendly with her numerous times, but she’s exploited that every time. I feel bad limiting my contact, but enough is enough.
 
I have discussed this with my therapist, and we came to the conclusion that she has some sort of disorder, whether it be a personality one or bipolar.

She was actually admitted to a mental hospital a few months ago for making a threat to kill herself when fighting with her boyfriend. I know she did it to get attention, but her boyfriend called the cops. The professionals at the mental hospital actually recommended that she stay longer than 72 hours, but my mother signed her out (which was stupid). It causes me great concern that mental health professionals recommended her to stay longer, but she chose not to follow that advice.
 
You need to flat out tell her that you’re not going to be guilted or manipulated by her playing the “Christian” card, that you see through her little game and refuse to play it.
Her own behavior is most definitely not “Christian”, so she has no right to point fingers at anyone else and should look in the mirror.
 
Hello,
I’m sorry you have such a relationship with your sister. Other posters have already given you great advice, and I would like to tell you in addition that just because she is your sister does not make you beholden to her. She may be family, but you should not be afraid of cutting her off.
 
You and your mother have been victimized by her.

In addition to all the great advice above, I’d recommend you and your mother each see a therapist so you can each have support in healing from being victimized by her, and…

Get professional legal help wrt to previous identity thefts and to help you both protect yourselves from any future attempts on her part. I don’t know if talking to the police would suffice, but you could start there.
 
It is possible to love a person and not love what they do.

Remember that Jesus displayed anger at times. He drove the money-changers out of the temple with a whip!

It does sound as if she has some significant mental health issues. If it is truly a personality disorder, you need to understand that you can’t argue her out of it or make her see your side. She is not capable of doing so due to her mental state.

The best you can do in this scenario is to protect yourself, and that means praying for her while avoiding being around her.

My FIL has strong narcissistic tendencies. He has done some very nasty things to our family. Consequently he is Granddad Who We Don’t See. It’s sad. It’s not how extended families are supposed to be. But his poor behaviour makes it difficult for us to be around him. It’s a result of his own actions. This is how we protect ourselves.
 
They call it “tough love” for a reason. I had to kick out my stepson when he was twenty. I was afraid my wife was going to kick me out at the time, but she knew the enabling had to end. After some rough years, he grew up. His late start at adulthood has been difficult to overcome for him, but he’s doing much better, is married with twins. We’re happily helping them out with no regrets and they’re not taking advantage. There is hope and prayers help. Learning to forgive helped me a lot too.
 
CatholicZ09 said:
Thank you, all, so much for the thoughtful responses.

I understand that “Love thy neighbor” does not equate to being a doormat, but whenever I show signs of being irritated with her or act angry at her, she throws the “You are such a good Christian, aren’t you?” line at me. I know she’s being vindictive, but that just makes me question whether or not what I am doing is right.
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I know it is hard in the heat of the moment, but don’t please don’t fall for it
 
CatholicZ09 said:
she throws the “You are such a good Christian, aren’t you?” line at me. I know she’s being vindictive, but that just makes me question whether or not what I am doing is right.
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Tell her to get the beam out of her own eye first…
 
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