Roommate's poor behavior leads me to sin

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EphelDuath

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I was debating with myself whether or not to post this, but I have to get this off of my chest.

My roommate is, quite frankly, inconsiderate of me and my room, to the point where it leads me to anger and judgement of him. I am upset at myself for not being more patient and I am in no way excusing my own sins.

RM is my age, was my best friend before our recent arguments have lead to something of a rift between us. He’s normally very nice and respectful but he has no sense of one’s boundaries. He thinks that since we’re friends, he can just do whatever he wants and I’ll be okay with it. He’s opened my mail, frequently leaves his shavings all over the bathroom, goes into my room and uses my computer without asking me for permission (I’ve explicitly told him many times not to do this), eats my food and drinks my soda without asking permission, jokingly calls my fiancee a ***** (he thinks it’s humorous and laughs, without realizing it actually hurts both of our feelings), has woken me up repeatedly at 3am by playing video games loudly in the living room (I also have a difficult job that requires lots of concentration, so not getting enough sleep is… especially burdensome), installed an extremely annoying security system without asking me, and arbitrarily asks me to pay extra rent.

His girlfriend is 8 months pregnant now. They are unwed. Both of them are going to college and working part time, but they are not receiving financial aid from their parents or the government. In spite of this, RM continually buys expensive cigarettes, nonchalantly offers to pay for others’ meals (and asks me for additional rent because he can’t afford it afterwards…?), has video games that require monthly payments, etc. In short: he’s extremely irresponsible. Honestly, I feel sorry for him. When his finances fall apart he’s going to realize that he was totally unprepared to have a kid. No way both him and his girlfriend are going to finish college. I do feel sorry for them, and I pray for them. But I have to save up money too, and I’ve helped as much as I can.

I’m moving out in two weeks because I can’t handle this at all. He’s also asked me to pay additional rent until he can move out as well because he can’t afford the apartment without my contribution, and I’m ready to tell him to shove it because I’ve already paid extra rent and I’m only leaving because it’s impossible to live with him. But please pray for me until then that I can continue this living arrangement without wrath and judgment.
 
Be careful. Chances are that even if you move out you will still be responsible for the rent and any damages to the apartment.
 
Yes, I’m aware. I’m almost off the lease already. I just need my apartment inspected and turn in my parking permit and I’ll be set. The only thing I’m waiting for is to be approved at my new apartment.
 
EphelDuath said:
Yes, I’m aware. I’m almost off the lease already. I just need my apartment inspected and turn in my parking permit and I’ll be set. The only thing I’m waiting for is to be approved at my new apartment.
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A lack of responsibility on his part does not imply an increase of responsibility on your part. It is OK to leave him to experience the natural consequences of his actions.

He deserves to have you move out because he’s been an awful roommate. He asked for extra rent, you said “no”. I think you’ll find it easier to be cordial to him if you give yourself permission to calmly reject his unreasonable expectations without bothering to offer a point by point rebuttal. You don’t have to get upset, you don’t have to defend your actions. After all, does he feel any need to build a defense for himself? What could he say?

“Think over” his requests until you get your valuables out, though. Do not say what you are thinking about his character. Then when you have your stuff where he can’t help himself or do something spiteful to you, just say “no”. Since he’s ruined your friendship, I think that’s all you need to say.
 
This is why I always encourage people to think long and hard about their choice of roommates. Even if you pay your half of the rent, if your roommate doesn’t pay his half in full then you are both legally responsible for it. That also goes for any late fees, court costs, etc. And if he gets you evicted you will both have that on your record. Roommates can be a great way to save money, but it is a sticky situation.
 
It will be a long two weeks, but hang in there and DON’T give him any more rent money other than what you agreed on when you moved in. If he gets used to other people bailing him out of his money problems, he will never grow up and deal with them himself.
 
Sorry you are going through this. I had the same problem when I was younger and had roomates. I worked nights, and while I was at work my 2 roomates would have wild parties. I would come home to beer can “statues” from floor to ceiling, and there would be various strangers sleeping on the floor in the living room when walked in. It was gross.

I vowed then and there to never have roomates again. I live blissfully alone now. 👍

Hang in there. You will be out of there in no time. Just get your name off that lease. 🙂
 
BlueEyedLady said:
This is why I always encourage people to think long and hard about their choice of roommates. Even if you pay your half of the rent, if your roommate doesn’t pay his half in full then you are both legally responsible for it. That also goes for any late fees, court costs, etc. And if he gets you evicted you will both have that on your record. Roommates can be a great way to save money, but it is a sticky situation.
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That depends on who signs the papers and what the rental law is in the city and state in which you rent. This is a hugely important area of research to do before you agree to move in with somebody, because you may need extra contracts to cover yourself.

People who were previously close friends can be the worst roommates. I have seen it over and over, especially high school friends who get an apartment together (although dorm buddies and teammates are not necessarily much better). You need to know that they have similar domestic habits to yours, because for some reason they seem to feel much more entitled to take advantage than relative strangers. Acquaintances with the same major seem to work better, provided you have similar expectations about housekeeping. An “Odd Couple” situation is only funny when you’re not living in it.

The worst is when people have a failing romantic relationship and decide to “fix it” by moving in together. A few wind up married, after all, but those can be the ugliest breakups in history. I don’t know what people are thinking, sometimes.
 
EasterJoy said:
That depends on who signs the papers and what the rental law is in the city and state in which you rent. This is a hugely important area of research to do before you agree to move in with somebody, because you may need extra contracts to cover yourself.
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I have worked in real estate for a long time and I have never seen a contract that did not specify “jointly and severely”. The landlord does not care who pays, he just wants the money. Now a private landlord may be willing to draft up a lease for each person specifying what each roommate owes, but that becomes a logistical nightmare when it’s time to assess damages.

What will sometimes happen is the roommate who paid his half and had to cover for the other roommate will take that person to court for violating their agreement. But all that does is force the deadbeat to pay you back. It does not keep the landlord from holding you responsible in the first place.
 
EphelDuath said:
…goes into my room and uses my computer without asking me for permission (I’ve explicitly told him many times not to do this)…
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Setting a power-on password and/or a login password should eliminate that.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I have worked in real estate for a long time and I have never seen a contract that did not specify “jointly and severely”. The landlord does not care who pays, he just wants the money. Now a private landlord may be willing to draft up a lease for each person specifying what each roommate owes, but that becomes a logistical nightmare when it’s time to assess damages.

What will sometimes happen is the roommate who paid his half and had to cover for the other roommate will take that person to court for violating their agreement. But all that does is force the deadbeat to pay you back. It does not keep the landlord from holding you responsible in the first place.
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Yes, like that. In my experience, it was not uncommon for one roommate to be left holding the bag because only one roommate signed the original contract. The roommate with the contract chose the other roommates, and essentially sub-leased apartments to them, usually with no written contract to protect anybody. I don’t think I’ve ever been in any other kind of arrangement.
 
EasterJoy said:
Yes, like that. In my experience, it was not uncommon for one roommate to be left holding the bag because only one roommate signed the original contract. The roommate with the contract chose the other roommates, and essentially sub-leased apartments to them, usually with no written contract to protect anybody. I don’t think I’ve ever been in any other kind of arrangement.
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In some states if you sub-lease without the landlord’s prior written permission he has the right to charge you double rent.

The only arrangement that I have ever allowed is that everyone who lives there is on the lease and responsible for the apartment. Period. If I find out that you have an unauthorized occupant they must apply and be added to the lease immediately, or you are evicted. A big reason for this is that every company I have ever worked for does background checks. If someone is living there off lease for all I know they are a registered sex offender or have a history of assault. It isn’t fair that the other residents all had to prove that they are law-abiding citizens but their neighbor didn’t and has a dangerous history.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
In some states if you sub-lease without the landlord’s prior written permission he has the right to charge you double rent.

The only arrangement that I have ever allowed is that everyone who lives there is on the lease and responsible for the apartment. Period. If I find out that you have an unauthorized occupant they must apply and be added to the lease immediately, or you are evicted. A big reason for this is that every company I have ever worked for does background checks. If someone is living there off lease for all I know they are a registered sex offender or have a history of assault. It isn’t fair that the other residents all had to prove that they are law-abiding citizens but their neighbor didn’t and has a dangerous history.
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Your points all go to prove that getting knowledge of the local (and currently applicable) rental law and standard rental customs is very sensible. Most states and local jurisdictions put out pamphlets outlining the local situation, too, if the roomies-to-be know to look for them. Reading those is time well-spent, but I’ve run into landlords who haven’t taken the trouble to do that. (Small-scale, though, just renting out a house or two without using a management company, but they’re out there.)

The lower the rent, the fewer units the landlord has to rent, the freer the situation is from any governmental programs, the more Wild West the situation can be expected to be.
 
EphelDuath said:
I was debating with myself whether or not to post this, but I have to get this off of my chest.

My roommate is, quite frankly, inconsiderate of me and my room, to the point where it leads me to anger and judgement of him. I am upset at myself for not being more patient and I am in no way excusing my own sins.

RM is my age, was my best friend before our recent arguments have lead to something of a rift between us. He’s normally very nice and respectful but he has no sense of one’s boundaries. He thinks that since we’re friends, he can just do whatever he wants and I’ll be okay with it. He’s opened my mail, frequently leaves his shavings all over the bathroom, goes into my room and uses my computer without asking me for permission (I’ve explicitly told him many times not to do this), eats my food and drinks my soda without asking permission, jokingly calls my fiancee a ***** (he thinks it’s humorous and laughs, without realizing it actually hurts both of our feelings), has woken me up repeatedly at 3am by playing video games loudly in the living room (I also have a difficult job that requires lots of concentration, so not getting enough sleep is… especially burdensome), installed an extremely annoying security system without asking me, and arbitrarily asks me to pay extra rent.

His girlfriend is 8 months pregnant now. They are unwed. Both of them are going to college and working part time, but they are not receiving financial aid from their parents or the government. In spite of this, RM continually buys expensive cigarettes, nonchalantly offers to pay for others’ meals (and asks me for additional rent because he can’t afford it afterwards…?), has video games that require monthly payments, etc. In short: he’s extremely irresponsible. Honestly, I feel sorry for him. When his finances fall apart he’s going to realize that he was totally unprepared to have a kid. No way both him and his girlfriend are going to finish college. I do feel sorry for them, and I pray for them. But I have to save up money too, and I’ve helped as much as I can.

I’m moving out in two weeks because I can’t handle this at all. He’s also asked me to pay additional rent until he can move out as well because he can’t afford the apartment without my contribution, and I’m ready to tell him to shove it because I’ve already paid extra rent and I’m only leaving because it’s impossible to live with him. But please pray for me until then that I can continue this living arrangement without wrath and judgment.
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I thought opening someone else’s mail was a federal offense?

One question: who can bench more, you or your roommate? Perhaps it is time to do some old-fashioned male bonding at a boxing ring and establish an everlasting friendship, with an emphasis on “Everlast”. That may help him to respect your boundaries.
 
EphelDuath said:
I was debating with myself whether or not to post this, but I have to get this off of my chest.

My roommate is, quite frankly, inconsiderate of me and my room, to the point where it leads me to anger and judgement of him. I am upset at myself for not being more patient and I am in no way excusing my own sins.

RM is my age, was my best friend before our recent arguments have lead to something of a rift between us. He’s normally very nice and respectful but he has no sense of one’s boundaries. He thinks that since we’re friends, he can just do whatever he wants and I’ll be okay with it. He’s opened my mail, frequently leaves his shavings all over the bathroom, goes into my room and uses my computer without asking me for permission (I’ve explicitly told him many times not to do this), eats my food and drinks my soda without asking permission, jokingly calls my fiancee a ***** (he thinks it’s humorous and laughs, without realizing it actually hurts both of our feelings), has woken me up repeatedly at 3am by playing video games loudly in the living room (I also have a difficult job that requires lots of concentration, so not getting enough sleep is… especially burdensome), installed an extremely annoying security system without asking me, and arbitrarily asks me to pay extra rent.

His girlfriend is 8 months pregnant now. They are unwed. Both of them are going to college and working part time, but they are not receiving financial aid from their parents or the government. In spite of this, RM continually buys expensive cigarettes, nonchalantly offers to pay for others’ meals (and asks me for additional rent because he can’t afford it afterwards…?), has video games that require monthly payments, etc. In short: he’s extremely irresponsible. Honestly, I feel sorry for him. When his finances fall apart he’s going to realize that he was totally unprepared to have a kid. No way both him and his girlfriend are going to finish college. I do feel sorry for them, and I pray for them. But I have to save up money too, and I’ve helped as much as I can.

I’m moving out in two weeks because I can’t handle this at all. He’s also asked me to pay additional rent until he can move out as well because he can’t afford the apartment without my contribution, and I’m ready to tell him to shove it because I’ve already paid extra rent and I’m only leaving because it’s impossible to live with him. But please pray for me until then that I can continue this living arrangement without wrath and judgment.
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EP
The real person you need to be angry with is yourself. Charity begins at home - how is it you look after another “self” who is not deserving of your generosity but cannot look after your own “self”. Your motives are not noble if they are not wise. You are not being a good christian if you are not being a wise christian.

If you are not courageous enough to defend your own self by saying “no” without reason (you do not need to give a reason) then get used to being courageous by telling a white lie - I have no spare money either - I need it for a downpayment on my new flat, or whatever.
 
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