Saddened by the selfishness of people

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shanishani7

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My colleague(friend + now godson) passed away last week. He was discovered to have cancer just 2 months ago. (We have a group of 10+ colleagues having lunch everyday including he and I.) In the past 2 months, no one in this group ever mentioned nor show any caring for his illness and situation. Whenever I invited them to join the hospital visitation for him, they mostly just said “not free” or “later”, some did not response. Okay, then we had just 2-3 more going each time. He got much worse, and people still didn’t bother to come with me to visit him. Then when he passed away, they just wrote RIP and some said so shock! Then after he passed away, they even say nothing about that and still talked and laughed about their own jokes, games and other things during lunch. I had posted the detail of his funeral, no one ever said would be going, only 1-2 of them said would go but for a while when i asked.

I did not know how selfish they are until this whole thing happened, I am really so sad and disappointed about their selfishness, no compassion nor mercy. (They are not catholics). I have been thinking over and over why, I think the world really changed, people only think about themselves, they will never think about others nor put themselves in others’ shoes. I know blaming is useless, because they are just they are!

The problem is here: I feel terrible and sad to see this scenario that they have no caring, compassion and mercy for him to an extent that it seemed to be nothing happened to them, and I really want to know why? and I don’t know how to handle these people from now on, stay away from these people? I don’t want to have lunch with them anymore already.

Is this scenario common in the world now?

Thanks in advance for any comment.
 
That is very sad, for all of you. I’m so sorry 😦

It might help (a little) for you to imagine ways to give your colleagues the benefit of the doubt - some people are emotionally unable to visit others in a hospital, attend a funeral, etc. And of course pray for them.

Beyond that, whether you continue to join them for lunch is up to you. Don’t go if you don’t enjoy it. Maybe you just need a temporary break, maybe it will be permanent but take care of yourself. You may want to spend time alone in prayer instead.

As I’ve gotten older, I continue to be sad & disappointed by people too but it helps to think about the ways Jesus also was (and still is). Think about it not to tear others down or build yourself up, but to offer Him your tenderness & understanding, and remember He is offering you His. He really does know how you are feeling; unite your sorrow & pain to His.

Peace be with you; your kind heart blessed me this morning.
 
I try to think of it as unconsciousness. It probably really is fear manifesting itself in the form of selfishness. Fear can manifest in many different forms. Selfishness, impatience, anger, anxiety, etc… My mother(a lifelong, cradle, cultural Catholic) would not go visit her sister-in-law of many years when she was in the nursing home with dementia. Some folks I know(mostly family members) get a dear in the headlight look when death is spoken of and change the subject almost immediately. My father-in-law didn’t visit his son in icu for over 2 months as he(the son) lay dying from the effects of his alcoholism. To the best of my memory my brother-in-law only saw my wife, one other of his sisters, and me (as for family) while he withered away. His mother had already pre-deceased him, and there were 3 other siblings nearby that never visited. I was quite angered at the time but realize that was probably fear(my fear) manifesting itself as well somehow. I sincerely doubt this is anything new.
I am very sorry for your loss. Be well-take care.
 
Yes, sorry for your loss. I won’t even try to interprete your coworkers , it is just sad.

Our Father
Hail Mary’s x10
Glory Be
Fatima Prayer
Amen
 
I’m sorry for your loss.
Co-workers are not often sympathetic. They’re not family, and they try very hard to remain distant for precisely this reason. It still hurts like crazy though.
I’m so sorry, you’re in my prayers. May that beautiful child rest in the loving arms of Christ.
 
I worked at a hospital for nearly 10 years that specialized in cancer treatment. I saw various people in various situations and some got a few visitors while others got more. Today, the issue is a society that was not taught, or let go of what they’ve been taught, because everyone wants to be different and being part of a community with shared values and appropriate responses to certain life events does not work for them. The older folks see this and thanks to the planned break up of families, are discouraged and/or uncomfortable because they might run into the ex or other person they’d rather not see.

It’s not viewed as being selfish, just ‘my choice is my choice’ and respecting customs and having compassion don’t mean much. Followed by: “If it makes me feel uncomfortable or awkward, why should I expose myself to that?”

Human beings, each generation, must be taught how to live in society, and that means having sensitivity. Unfortunately, thrills and fun and just getting by are the primary drivers. Even in some families, the disconnect between neighbors is there. “Why bother?” “It might complicate my life.” sort of thing. “Worry about your family and no one else.” Too many single people don’t know where to start when it comes to having relationships. Again, the problem is a kind of individualism that is limited, and desensitized. Concern for the other is a bother.

But don’t lose heart. There are other people that still live as communities.

Ed
 
Ed is spot on.
In the near past, people talked to their children about death, and loss. We went to the funeral homes for the visitation, the viewing and the rosary. We went to funerals. Often.
We understood and saw people grieving. Not that any of us knew exactly the right thing to say, but we were THERE for people. We understood, and we stayed close, not more distant. Parents to day want to “protect” their children from this inevitable truth. You just can’t. It serves no one. We have a generation of persons who won’t even go to their best friend’s or grandparent’s funeral. 😦 it’s fear. And it’s a terrible thing.
 
Thank you. We went to funerals and weddings. We were taught that “this is what life is about.” No fear, just reality. Births and deaths. Marriage and families. Social interactions that were pleasant and polite, while not disturbing the few bad apples who didn’t like kids or preferred limited social interaction. Visiting with certain neighbors was a given. Respect for your elders and your elders respecting you. When my dad passed away, I went to visit one of my few remaining “original” neighbors. We spoke on her porch and she understood, and she understood why I was there.

We were on the same page. A fragmented society with a lot of people all going in their own direction has created disconnections or very temporary connections. Not knowing what life means and avoiding anything that is not pleasure creates a kind of individualism that is reactive to the way the wind is blowing for any age group is a bunch of boats without rudders.

But, as I wrote, there are still those that live life with a deep sense of the other and connectedness to their neighbors.

Ed
 
Unfortunately, some people aren’t being taught the social niceties anymore. Same kind of non-response happens for weddings where people don’t think they have to send thank you notes anymore for gifts.
 
Could be people just don’t want to deal with death. In a Godless society death is the end. They don’t have the hope of eternal life. So they don’t want to be reminded of that. As Catholics we also have the perspective of the communion of saints.
 
shanishani7 said:
My colleague(friend + now godson) passed away last week. He was discovered to have cancer just 2 months ago. (We have a group of 10+ colleagues having lunch everyday including he and I.) In the past 2 months, no one in this group ever mentioned nor show any caring for his illness and situation. Whenever I invited them to join the hospital visitation for him, they mostly just said “not free” or “later”, some did not response. Okay, then we had just 2-3 more going each time. He got much worse, and people still didn’t bother to come with me to visit him. Then when he passed away, they just wrote RIP and some said so shock! Then after he passed away, they even say nothing about that and still talked and laughed about their own jokes, games and other things during lunch. I had posted the detail of his funeral, no one ever said would be going, only 1-2 of them said would go but for a while when i asked.

I did not know how selfish they are until this whole thing happened, I am really so sad and disappointed about their selfishness, no compassion nor mercy. (They are not catholics). I have been thinking over and over why, I think the world really changed, people only think about themselves, they will never think about others nor put themselves in others’ shoes. I know blaming is useless, because they are just they are!

**The problem is here: I feel terrible and sad to see this scenario that they have no caring, compassion and mercy for him to an extent that it seemed to be nothing happened to them, and I really want to know why? and I don’t know how to handle these people from now on, stay away from these people? I don’t want to have lunch with them anymore already.
**
Is this scenario common in the world now?

Thanks in advance for any comment.
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Frankly that is silly. You have no right to judge them and you certainly do not know what they are feeling.
 
Thank you all for the replies. Frankly my pain is more on the disappointment on the people around me which is quite out of my expectation. I learnt a lesson that I should not have much hope on anyone before really knowing deeply, then I may not be that disappointed next time.

For the passing of my godson, I believe God will take care of him, because it was really God told me to find the priest to get him baptized in order to save his soul. God is really so good and merciful, far better than any human.
 
shanishani7 said:
Thank you all for the replies. Frankly my pain is more on the disappointment on the people around me which is quite out of my expectation. I learnt a lesson that I should not have much hope on anyone before really knowing deeply, then I may not be that disappointed next time.

For the passing of my godson, I believe God will take care of him, because it was really God told me to find the priest to get him baptized in order to save his soul. God is really so good and merciful, far better than any human.
Click to expand...
I can understand your hurt. The way I found your thread here was by doing a search on dying… I did so because I was about to start a thread on the topic. I figured something so profound must have been discussed here, somewhere, but I’ve not found what I’m looking for. The reason why I’m telling you that is because I wanted to say to you that the topic of death or the thought of death is something hardly anyone talks about. …and I do say, to our detriment as a society.

When I read your OP, my first thoughts were these are people terrified of death or that they can’t handle it, or are not sure how to handle the hurt. I’ve found that’s more of a reason why…but I agree it’s disheartening and sometimes disgusting. Years ago, my school bus passed the scene of an accident where one of the students (from our small school) was laying dead in the grass. I was filled with disgust and anger when a young man in the back of the bus started to make fun of the deceased- right then and there! It took me years to figure out, abhorrent as it was, that this was his way of dealing with the shock of it. People can act in all sorts of bizarre ways towards death. It’s just not talked about or faced often enough for people to really know what’s appropriate or expected.

I’m very sorry for your loss. And that you had the disappointment of seeing such behavior from your co workers. If it were me, I’d bring the topic up with one of them in a more one to one private setting… they may open up more about their true feelings (and maybe you will find you are less disturbed by their seemingly selfish behavior ). What one sees on the surface is not always what is going inside.

Again, so sorry for your loss. Yes, God is All Good and deserves all our love.
 
I think the reality of death can be very far removed from most people’s day to day life that they don’t know how to deal with it when it suddenly does become a part. People get awkward, don’t know what to say, don’t know if it should be a family only thing etc. I agree with Ed, we don’t always have the traditions for these things.
 
shanishani7 said:
Thank you all for the replies. Frankly my pain is more on the disappointment on the people around me which is quite out of my expectation. I learnt a lesson that I should not have much hope on anyone before really knowing deeply, then I may not be that disappointed next time.
Click to expand...
Since you wrote this, I’d like to toss out something else. I’ve learned that I am often disappointed by peoples’ behaviors - I simply don’t understand it.

But through prayer, the LORD has shown me that I can be a little hard on people, placing “my” expectations on them. That really isn’t fair for me to do; why should I expect “them” to live up to burdens I place on them?

I’m NOT saying this to chastise you - I’m only sharing a lesson the LORD gave to me; maybe it will be helpful to you as well and give you something on which to reflect. The end result of this lesson, for me, is to judge a little less and to (try) to remember God alone can possibly meet my expectations; people never will. 🙂
 
You cannot care too much because you are not their family. Maybe they don’t want to cross certain boundaries or be more emotionally invested than they have to be. Maybe they don’t feel all that close to this person.
 
LPS: Thank you for sharing in post # 15. Your insight reminded me of a quote I had written down several years ago. While the quote mentions Christians I believe it really pertains to people of all faith traditions.
Code: 
 "A mature Christian has capacity to absorb the offenses and weaknesses of others, not just demand they perform up to the code of ideals."
                                                                              -Stephen Crosby-

 So Thank you for the reminder as I'm quite a judgmental person.
 
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