Sarcasm in marriage

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Sarcasm - We have a major problem with this in our marriage & it needs to stop.

How do you deal with this when both partners are sarcastic (roll eyes, sigh, etc…)
 
You make a pact between you not to do those things, but to give each other the benefit of the doubt. Always be courteous. One of the worst things that can happen to a couple is pointing out each other’s faults at every turn. It leads to thinking more and more negatively about each other until neither can see any reason for being together. So, don’t do it. Apologize if you do it and say you’ll not do it again, and if you do your spouse has the right, no matter where you are, to tickle your ribs until you cry uncle! If that doesn’t make you both laugh, you need to restore your sense of humor with one another and not take every little thing seriously or as the last hill upon which you will die because you can’t surrender your dignity. Let go of your dignity and let love, expressed by ordinary kindness and courtesy be your watchmen. 😉
 
Della has some great ideas! Remember, if you want to change your spouse, start with yourself. You may not be able to control your spouse’s sarcasm, but you can try your hardest not to use it anymore. Have you ever found yourself picking up one of your spouse’s mannerisms? Sarcasm (or lack thereof) can be like that too.
 
kate(name removed by moderator):
Sarcasm - We have a major problem with this in our marriage & it needs to stop.

How do you deal with this when both partners are sarcastic (roll eyes, sigh, etc…)
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The fact that you recognize this problem in your marriage is amazing. I’ve seen couples who are like this who don’t realize how they are poisoning themselves. Sarcasm disprespects the other person and destroys trust in a marriage.

It will also extend to your children. Your sarcasm is teaching your daughter that she doesn’t have to respect either of you. How could it be otherwise when you display no respect to each other in front of her? Hopefully she is young enough to have not yet picked up on all of that. If she is older and showing that behavior, you are going to have to have a discussion with her about it too.

Sam has it right. You must start with yourself. I suspect when you stop doing it, you will be come more sensitive to your husband doing it. At that point you have to have a discussion about how you should treat each other.
 
kate(name removed by moderator):
Sarcasm - We have a major problem with this in our marriage & it needs to stop.

How do you deal with this when both partners are sarcastic (roll eyes, sigh, etc…)
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My AA sponsor shared with me that the root of the word sarcasm means ‘to tear the flesh’.

That put a mental picture in my mind…every time I openned my mouth to make a sarcastic remark, or rolled my eyes or did ANYTHING to convey a sarcastic attitude, I was tearing pieces of flesh from my ‘victim’ with my sharp teeth with the intention of hurting them.

I am, fundamentally, not a hurtful person. I really do NOT want to inflict physical pain on someone. You know what? I was doing that, every time I was sarcastic.

That is what you are doing…is it what you want to do?

if it is…then go ahead…chomp away.

If it isn’t…STOP IT.

There…does that mental image help?
 
One of the wisest men I have ever known (a Catholic too:) ) told me once that sarcasm was a form of anger. He also that it was a way to ‘mock the truth’, and asked me why I would want to do that? Something about those words and the way he said it were like a lightning bolt of of truth hitting me & I have really tried to eliminate it in my life.

Sarcasm seems so harmless, but if you think of it in terms of mocking the truth and an expression of anger it sheds a new light on of the ugly reality of it.

God Bless everyone and have a wonderful Thanksgiving!😃
 
kate(name removed by moderator):
Sarcasm - We have a major problem with this in our marriage & it needs to stop.

How do you deal with this when both partners are sarcastic (roll eyes, sigh, etc…)
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I think it can be very destuctive as it is hurtful and can become habit forming, not a good thing in any relationship let alone a marriage. I know from personal experience and let me tell you it almost ruined my marriage.
DH and I went to counseling for something else and found out that this was an issue for both of us only neither of us knew it till it came out in one of our sessions. Thank God for that! We have to keep a check on ourselves though, as our personalities are a little strong at times and we tend not to back down when it comes to our “opinions”.
 
This might be a little off-topic, but I don’t think all sarcasm is bad. I definitely agree that sarcastic remarks about other people can be very hurtful, but I don’t think that sarcasm is always wrong. For example, I know a priest who can be very sarcastic, although he always seems to know when seriousness is called for. His sarcasm can be just what’s needed to lighten the mood when he’s talking to someone who needs help, and it also makes him seem more approachable to younger people. He doesn’t direct sarcastic remarks at other people and always maintains a reverent attitude about sacred things. In his case, I don’t think the sarcasm is something wrong or hurtful.
 
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SemperJase:
The fact that you recognize this problem in your marriage is amazing. I’ve seen couples who are like this who don’t realize how they are poisoning themselves. Sarcasm disprespects the other person and destroys trust in a marriage.

It will also extend to your children. Your sarcasm is teaching your daughter that she doesn’t have to respect either of you. How could it be otherwise when you display no respect to each other in front of her? Hopefully she is young enough to have not yet picked up on all of that. If she is older and showing that behavior, you are going to have to have a discussion with her about it too.

Sam has it right. You must start with yourself. I suspect when you stop doing it, you will be come more sensitive to your husband doing it. At that point you have to have a discussion about how you should treat each other.
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Amen! Sarcasm can be so aggressive and in the end it is destructive. Even the Catechism speaks about sarcasm being something to avoid. Say what you mean and mean what you say! Cherish one another and treat your spouse with the gentle love he deserves. Lead by example and he might follow you.
 
I used to be very sarcastic especially to the ones I loved. Mine definately came from anger ( my parent’s divorce) but after I got married my shell cracked. I couldn’t take it from my husband and he was the same with me. I still sigh and roll my eyes… I try really hard not too, but the verbal sarcasm has stopped completly. Even if it starts out playfully, we always stop because we don’t want feelings to be hurt.

Simply, just make a decision to stop. The verbal part is easy, just don’t respond and bite your tongue when you want to start it. The sighing will take a while longer… mine is usually out of frustration now, not anything else. When your husband sees you have stopped, he will see it hurts when he says things. He will hopefully stop too.
 
Grace and Glory:
This might be a little off-topic, but I don’t think all sarcasm is bad. I definitely agree that sarcastic remarks about other people can be very hurtful, but I don’t think that sarcasm is always wrong. For example, I know a priest who can be very sarcastic, although he always seems to know when seriousness is called for. His sarcasm can be just what’s needed to lighten the mood when he’s talking to someone who needs help, and it also makes him seem more approachable to younger people. He doesn’t direct sarcastic remarks at other people and always maintains a reverent attitude about sacred things. In his case, I don’t think the sarcasm is something wrong or hurtful.
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I agree. My wife and I are very sarcastic with each other, but we do it in a joking way. It’s not mean, nor is it meant to be. I think sometimes people intend it to be funny, and it comes across wrong. Or in some cases, the recipiant is a little too touchy. It seems nowadays that people need to lighten up a little.
 
I am not sure where I came across this, but I remember it because the thought was so interesting. That sarcasm is in opposition to innocence.

I intended on looking into this angle some more, but actually forgot until I read this thread. Has anyone else heard of this connection?
 
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Ana:
I am not sure where I came across this, but I remember it because the thought was so interesting. That sarcasm is in opposition to innocence.

I intended on looking into this angle some more, but actually forgot until I read this thread. Has anyone else heard of this connection?
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I have not heard of this connection but it makes sense to me. Here’s the difference in definition between the words, ‘innocence’ and ‘sarcasm’. Very interesting!

**in·no·cence n.

  1. *]The state, quality, or virtue of being innocent, as:

    1. *]Freedom from sin, moral wrong, or guilt through lack of knowledge of evil.
      *]Guiltlessness of a specific legal crime or offense.
      *]Freedom from guile, cunning, or deceit; simplicity or artlessness.
      *]Lack of worldliness or sophistication; naiveté.
      *]Lack of knowledge or understanding; ignorance.
      *]Freedom from harmfulness; inoffensiveness.

      *]One that is innocent.
      sar·casm
      n.

      1. *]A cutting, often ironic remark intended to wound.
        *]A form of wit that is marked by the use of sarcastic language and is intended to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule.
        *]The use of sarcasm.
 
I was sarcastic until I realized I was being disrespectful and rude, it really isn’t “funny” or amusing. Today’s society kinda uses a lot of sarcasm in comedy, mostly because I think most people are unhappy. 😦
Good luck - there’s a lot of good advice here! 👍
 
A lot of people can dish it out, but they can’t take it.

A lot of people don’t even realize they are doing it.

A lot of sarcasm and other similar speech patterns are inherited.

Things that are helpful are:
  1. adopting NEW speech patterns that are helpful instead of hurtful,
  2. being told which specific expressions are most habitual and most hurtful and then abolishing them,
  3. asking the spouse to be patient and to help by constantly letting one know when they just said or did something destructive. But SPECIFICS are needed.
 
christianitytoday.com/mp/2003/003/1.22.html

My spouse and I prepare couples for marriage. Frequently we refer them to resources particularly one, called Marriage Partnership magazine…here is just a sample of one of the articles in it. You can look into the archives and I just bet they will address your problem somewhere. Basically, respect one another…make a pact. There is a new season coming…it’s never too late to start.

Merry Christmas as we approach this Advent season.
 
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pira114:
I agree. My wife and I are very sarcastic with each other, but we do it in a joking way. It’s not mean, nor is it meant to be. I think sometimes people intend it to be funny, and it comes across wrong. Or in some cases, the recipiant is a little too touchy. It seems nowadays that people need to lighten up a little.
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You would be wise to reconsider. It starts out light-hearted, but overtime becomes a habit that is hard to break. Eventually the habit of sarcasm becomes the “normal” way of communication.

In a marriage, even a playful insult should be avoided. Years of sarcasm adds up. It will kill communication in the long term - like a death from a thousand cuts. Each one is insignificant. When added up over time, it creates bitterness between people.

Then there is the issue of spreading outside a marriage. I know sarcastic couples. No one likes to be around them. They think their sarcasm is funny. Everyone else disagrees.
 
It was a problem in our marriage, too. I was the sarcastic one. My husband finally told me how much it hurt him, and it took a while, but I made myself be conscious of every remark I made to him. Now it’s natural to be courteous of each other. We do joke, but not by ripping on each other. We have our little private jokes, too.
 
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SemperJase:
You would be wise to reconsider. It starts out light-hearted, but overtime becomes a habit that is hard to break. Eventually the habit of sarcasm becomes the “normal” way of communication.

In a marriage, even a playful insult should be avoided. Years of sarcasm adds up. It will kill communication in the long term - like a death from a thousand cuts. Each one is insignificant. When added up over time, it creates bitterness between people.

Then there is the issue of spreading outside a marriage. I know sarcastic couples. No one likes to be around them. They think their sarcasm is funny. Everyone else disagrees.
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It’s not a problem for us at all. We’ve been together for years and we’ve never been stronger or happier. We know the time and place for joking/ribbing. We also know when it is not appropriate. I say to each his own on this one. If you cannot handle it, then it’s not good for your marriage. If you can, then it won’t hurt. That’s assuming both people are on the same page. For example, if my wife didn’t like it, I would stop. I know she would do the same for me. We like to goof around a lot. We are constantly playing practical jokes on each other. Even the kids get in on that. We also have very serious times and romantic times together. We’re doing just fine.
 
I am guilty at times…:o …mea culpa. My new Advent resolution…thanks everyone! 👍
 
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