Scared of social isolation

[mrajax]

OK, right off I know I’m complaining over stupid ******** but whatever, I’m not thinking straight and I need to get things off my chest.

Pretty much what it is; I’m writing because I’m scared that I’m never going to enter into a relationship with a woman I genuinely like and love and that I’m never going to have any meaningful friendships with anyone.

Coming off having gotten over my ‘angst’ about certain things in my last thread, I feel though that I have gotten worse at dealing with people. In regards to certain friends at school, none of whom attend the dojo I attend, I noticed that they never really invite me to hang out and on the rare occassion that they do, they don’t talk to me and it’s like I pretty much don’t exist. The only times they ever spent a lot of time talking to me was when I helped them with their assignments even though the people I helped can only be described as downright lazy with a bad work attitude. I do have some friends there who do talk to me without any bad intentions but even then they never search me out, never talk to me outside of school. Nobody ever does and things are the same as before: I HAVE to talk to people in order to get them to talk to me and I do this all the time. I think I only have a single friend who actually initiates a conversation with me. Nobody ever cooks for me, nobody ever asks me if I’m fine, nothing.

And the other day, I decided to joke with them a little by talking over a random video they were seeing only to have them start swearing and shouting at me. I never tease them or bully them or even pathetically prank yet they took it as if I offended them personally. At the same time, I feel they never take me seriously and are always ridiculing me. They are always commenting on how ridiculous my taste in books is and why I am always carrying a novel in hand, never stand up to against friends who are genuinely bothering me and even laugh and honestly it’s been the same thing from secondary school. I used to get sexually harassed all the time from other classmates and nobody, not the teachers nor the students ever stood up for me. I feel everybody is completely insincere with me.

I really hate myself and the only reason I dobn’t kill myself is because I don’t want to give anyone the goddamned satisfaction of having myself taken out of their life. I want to be my own person and yet how can I be if nobody wants to befriend me? I literally do everything by myself, absolutely everything. I never, EVER do anything with anybody, nothing except the very, very rare group dinner party. And yes, I know I should try inviting people but I’m broke; I can’t afford to pay for everybody’s movie tickets if there is a movie I want to see and nobody will ever want to attend any social events with me. I just feel miserable and lonely.

There is something that has been bothering me a lot and it is that I keep everything to myself. I only ever tell my dad about the things that are bothering me and even then I rarely do so because I don’t want him to worry. My mother, she just denies I ever have any problems.I never tell any friends because I’m not close to anybody and I’m scared of the friendships that I may lose if I were to discuss my problems. The worst thing is that just discussing these problems is enough to turn people off me. Admit it, I don’t sound like the person you want to invite over to have fun with because who the **** wants to know somebody as depressed and unlikable as me? Just please somebody give me advice on how to so9love my problems on my own.

 

[doglover2]

First of all, it’s not stupid at all; anything that you are going through IS important.

What does “dojo” mean? That’s really hurtful that your friends don’t include you and that a lot of them just want help with their assignments and that’s bad that your friends don’t search you out. It must be lonely and difficult. (By the way if you’d like to add me on Skype let me know and I’ll initiate conversations with you ^^)

They should not ridicule you, if you’re younger, it might be that they’re still immature…That’s disgusting that people did not stick up for you when you were being sexually harassed. It sounds like you’re going through a depressing time. Maybe you could join something you haven’t joined before because it seems like the group of friends you have now are not very nice to you.

 

[Mr_Clean]

Praying you find happiness and peace.

 

[tawny]

Praying for your intentions.

 

[Rmac81]

Reading your post, I found myself wondering how old you are…it sounded like maybe you were in college.

My suggestion would be to try to attend events of things you’re interested in and meet people that way. I’ve met a lot of people I click with on twitter–virtual friendships aren’t ideal, but when you have a hard time making friends it can be helpful.

Another thing–let me use myself here as an example. I have a personality that makes it difficult for me to click with people. Rather than being able to have friendships with most people, the kind of people I click with are few and far between. I find myself to be very direct and logical, unable to make small talk, and I make odd connections. Fortunately, I am also empathetic and compassionate, love to help people (sometimes a people-pleaser which isn’t good), and trustworthy. I know that making friends isn’t going to come easy for me, but it’s something I’ve been at peace with for a while now. (When I was in first grade my mom told me it was okay to be alone–it was like an epiphany for me; I didn’t stress about not having friends at my new school.)

I used to be painfully shy as well–until I got a job waiting tables. I learned how to talk to all kinds of people waiting tables, and it was definitely helpful in my life.

I hope any of this has been helpful–when I read your post I felt a lot of compassion for you. It seems that you’re not at peace in your life, and I hate seeing that. Know that I’ll be praying for you. I am glad that you reached out here on these forums–it’s hard to be vulnerable.