A
ae22
Guest
Hi!
First, a bit of information about myself. I was baptized as an infant, went to CCD as a child and got my first communion, but fell away from the Church after that. My parents aren’t really religious at all. I had my share of struggles and sin during my teenage years and young adulthood. A few years ago, I began praying and asking God to direct me where He wanted me to go. Long story short, now I’m back in the Church, as of fairly recently. I had a dream, and in that dream Jesus appeared and told me to return to the Church. So, I ran with His advice.
Since coming back, I’ve become increasingly agitated with myself. I’ve always been a perfectionist, and it’s certainly no exception when I am working to not disappoint God rather than simply trying not to disappoint myself or others. I’ve been going to confession every week, and I’ve always had at least one thing that’s definitely a venial sin to confess (and sometimes, like last week, a mortal sin). However, I try to hold myself to a higher standard than what’s “required”. For example, on Good Friday, rather than eating one meatless meal and two snacks, I ate nothing (I wasn’t sure whether I should have gone up and received, since it would break my voluntary penance to do so, but I did). Although praying the rosary isn’t “required”, I try to pray all twenty mysteries rather than just the five daily mysteries that are supposed to be prayed.
Some days, I just don’t feel well (I’ve been dealing with some sort of mystery ailment for a little while, it affects my stomach as well as my energy level, leaving me with no energy at all to do anything). On these days, I don’t pray as much as I probably should. On other days, I try to “make up” for it. I’m constantly asking myself “am I doing enough to help the poor? Am I doing enough to help out at my parish? Am I spending enough time in front of the blessed sacrament? Am I concentrating enough in prayer?”…it often takes me a very long time to pray the rosary because, if I am not meditating well enough on the mysteries, I apologize profusely to Mary and start over. I often do this multiple times.
I only work part-time, and bring home $150 on a good week. I really can’t afford much…but I put a minimum of 10% of my income in the collection plate each week. But, even then, I think to myself “could I have put in more? Am I being greedy? I am putting myself before the Lord! I am totally unlike the widow about whom Jesus spoke in the temple, who put the only two copper coins she owned into the treasury!”…I try to concentrate fully during Mass, but sometimes my mind wanders. I think to myself “I am selfishly thinking about unimportant things rather than giving my full attention to the greatest gift ever given to humanity!”…so even if I go to confession RIGHT BEFORE Mass, I’m still uneasy about receiving. I haven’t ever NOT gone up and received because of this, but I still get upset about it, and I’m pretty sure that isn’t normal. Another example…I live about five miles away from my parish, and had no way of getting there this past weekend. The blessed sacrament was in the monstrance until 1:00, and I got there until 12:15. I spent the next 45 minutes apologizing to our Lord that I could not keep watch with Him for one hour because I didn’t walk fast enough to get there by 12:00.
I’m really not sure if these are just healthy habits to keep the big picture in mind, that of constantly honoring Jesus and Mary rather than selfishly blowing it off, or whether I am being overly scrupulous. Please advise.
EDIT: One thing that is definitely NOT the case, as I’ve read is common among scrupulous people, is me having a negative image of God. Quite the opposite. I KNOW that I am forgiven after going into the Sacrament of Penance/Reconciliation, and I NEVER feel the need to re-confess sins. It is God’s endless mercy, and the suffering, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ to redeem humanity, that makes me not WANT to ever let Him down. How can I ever repay Him for all the blessings He has given me? By sinning and turning away from Him and not following His commandments? No! I can never even come close to repaying Him, but I certainly do not want to disappoint Him by sinning and doing wrong.
First, a bit of information about myself. I was baptized as an infant, went to CCD as a child and got my first communion, but fell away from the Church after that. My parents aren’t really religious at all. I had my share of struggles and sin during my teenage years and young adulthood. A few years ago, I began praying and asking God to direct me where He wanted me to go. Long story short, now I’m back in the Church, as of fairly recently. I had a dream, and in that dream Jesus appeared and told me to return to the Church. So, I ran with His advice.
Since coming back, I’ve become increasingly agitated with myself. I’ve always been a perfectionist, and it’s certainly no exception when I am working to not disappoint God rather than simply trying not to disappoint myself or others. I’ve been going to confession every week, and I’ve always had at least one thing that’s definitely a venial sin to confess (and sometimes, like last week, a mortal sin). However, I try to hold myself to a higher standard than what’s “required”. For example, on Good Friday, rather than eating one meatless meal and two snacks, I ate nothing (I wasn’t sure whether I should have gone up and received, since it would break my voluntary penance to do so, but I did). Although praying the rosary isn’t “required”, I try to pray all twenty mysteries rather than just the five daily mysteries that are supposed to be prayed.
Some days, I just don’t feel well (I’ve been dealing with some sort of mystery ailment for a little while, it affects my stomach as well as my energy level, leaving me with no energy at all to do anything). On these days, I don’t pray as much as I probably should. On other days, I try to “make up” for it. I’m constantly asking myself “am I doing enough to help the poor? Am I doing enough to help out at my parish? Am I spending enough time in front of the blessed sacrament? Am I concentrating enough in prayer?”…it often takes me a very long time to pray the rosary because, if I am not meditating well enough on the mysteries, I apologize profusely to Mary and start over. I often do this multiple times.
I only work part-time, and bring home $150 on a good week. I really can’t afford much…but I put a minimum of 10% of my income in the collection plate each week. But, even then, I think to myself “could I have put in more? Am I being greedy? I am putting myself before the Lord! I am totally unlike the widow about whom Jesus spoke in the temple, who put the only two copper coins she owned into the treasury!”…I try to concentrate fully during Mass, but sometimes my mind wanders. I think to myself “I am selfishly thinking about unimportant things rather than giving my full attention to the greatest gift ever given to humanity!”…so even if I go to confession RIGHT BEFORE Mass, I’m still uneasy about receiving. I haven’t ever NOT gone up and received because of this, but I still get upset about it, and I’m pretty sure that isn’t normal. Another example…I live about five miles away from my parish, and had no way of getting there this past weekend. The blessed sacrament was in the monstrance until 1:00, and I got there until 12:15. I spent the next 45 minutes apologizing to our Lord that I could not keep watch with Him for one hour because I didn’t walk fast enough to get there by 12:00.
I’m really not sure if these are just healthy habits to keep the big picture in mind, that of constantly honoring Jesus and Mary rather than selfishly blowing it off, or whether I am being overly scrupulous. Please advise.
EDIT: One thing that is definitely NOT the case, as I’ve read is common among scrupulous people, is me having a negative image of God. Quite the opposite. I KNOW that I am forgiven after going into the Sacrament of Penance/Reconciliation, and I NEVER feel the need to re-confess sins. It is God’s endless mercy, and the suffering, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ to redeem humanity, that makes me not WANT to ever let Him down. How can I ever repay Him for all the blessings He has given me? By sinning and turning away from Him and not following His commandments? No! I can never even come close to repaying Him, but I certainly do not want to disappoint Him by sinning and doing wrong.