Scrupulosity getting worse

[NobleMaiden]

My head is a mess. The smallest deed will play in my mind over and over. I had trouble sleeping last night, constantly being woken up by feeling myself slip away from God, a voice or image in my mind, etc… At one point I awoke in total despair, only to tell God I trust in His mercy and goodness and fall back asleep. I could only fall asleep for good by saying an act of contrition, “In Jesus’ name, I rebuke you” a few times, and consulting Mary. Several times a day, I suspect I may have committed a mortal sin or perform an action while suspecting it might be, deciding that I’m not sure regardless and going for it only to freak out again knowing there was a slight suspicion (Romans 14:14), and a certain source said there could be doubts and pangs of regret during the act of a mortal sin. Plus, in terms of near-occasions of sin, there could be a chain of thoughts and activities that lead to temptation, not just the temptation and the sin - in other words, an activity that leads to a thought that leads to a small urge or inclination towards a particular ‘near-occasion’ (that I’m not exactly sure is near-occasion - maybe I just don’t want to admit it is, but it nonetheless is a persistent and definitive conviction for me). It is fine if I have to give up basically everything that entertains or informs me because it could lead to sin, even though I wouldn’t be enthusiastic, but it isn’t exactly pleasant to give up everything when my mind keeps making up rules and I sense little to no direction in this particular matter as I strive to avoid sin (here, I think I am just spiritually lazy and unwilling to commit myself to a life of strict prayer and union with God). I don’t want this to ruin my relationship with God, seeing as I’ve been angry, fearful, loving God less (though I love His truth and retain the desire to spread it around - I refuse to leave Him, and acknowledge that is by His grace I can feel and think these things), viewing Him as unjust against my personal will, rejoicing less, etc… I just don’t know when to stop, where to draw the limit. I have a history of mental issues including schizophrenia and anxiety disorders, yet don’t know how severe they truly are or whether I’m just excusing and feeling sorry for myself (I will say my family was never especially sympathetic, which may have had a hand, though I don’t want to excuse myself again). I have no access to a therapist as of current due to personal circumstances (AKA I am pretty much illegal in my country, incapable of taking care of myself due to mental health and phobias, currently on the verge of being deported), let alone likely a Catholic one seeing as it isn’t even a Christian country. I wasn’t baptised despite being born in Europe (I’m a mutt) to a Catholic family since my parents weren’t very religious. It’s preposterous to assume God will not have mercy on me in all of my affliction, I know, which is why I seek advice online. Plus, I don’t know how much I deserve compassion. I could easily be excusing what is spiritual laziness.

 

[NobleMaiden]

At this point, I think I’m too weak for spiritual life, even though no one really is. It feels like I have no place anywhere, on Heaven or on Earth. The constant state of stress has actually led me to act out in anger and whatnot.

I forgot what in particular I was going to request advice for, but I’m sure you get the gist. Sorry for the wall of text, panicking too much to type in a non-annoying way. I have been almost entirely isolated for over a month, so I may have needed some grounding. God bless.

 

[gam197]

I have been almost entirely isolated for over a month, so I may have needed some grounding. God bless.

Call a counselor. Isolation is not a good thing. Anxiety is more common than you think probably the most common illness and even more so during Covid-19.

People may disagree with me on this but if you are at an age where the virus will not hurt you (with no underlying medical condition), , then get out somewhere if only for a short walk.

 

[Shadow_of_Caravaggio]

Is there a priest you can talk to?

One of the safest routes for the scrupulous (well, for anyone, really), is to get spiritual guidance from a priest, and stick to what he says. Obedience to a priest really is key for the scrupulous soul. One of the most destructive things a scrupulous person can do is not trust their priest, because then they’ll start looking online and/or asking a bunch of people (who may have no clue what they are talking about) if what the priest said is accurate, then they lose trust in everyone, and then their scrupulosity spirals out of control again.

I know what it means to be scrupulous; in fact my priest, who is quite old, once told me something to the effect that I had had one of the worst cases of scrupulosity he had ever seen. Which is not good. God loves you, and scrupulosity tears away at that love. Find a priest you can talk to about this. Ask him, “Father, is __ ok?” If he says it is, do it with a clean conscience. If he says no, don’t do it.

I would really limit your time on the internet regarding Catholic social-media circles. It has some bright spots, obviously, but I have seen a lot of misinformation out there, and unless someone is well-read into these areas, it can be very hard to tell what is truly Church teaching and what is not. (Like coming across a bunch of posts asking, “is ___ a sin?”) This kind of thing is a nightmare for the scrupulous.

I would make your Faith very simple. Read the Catechism, read the Bible, read about the lives of Saints, take your questions and problems to a priest (and I mean one priest, do not shop around asking a bunch of different priests the same question to try to verify your answers; once you have found a priest you are comfortable with, stick with him). Keep your Faith simple. And from there, try to work on what problems you can like supporting yourself/getting help for your mental problems, and hopefully defeating this scrupulosity.

Also, get baptized! You will receive immense graces from Baptism to help you in your Faith and to combat despair. When you find a priest, bring this up to him that you have never been baptized.

Finally, may I strongly recommend taking an interest in the Saints? Their lives will serve as good guides for you, you will learn a lot from them, and you will learn to see that God immensely loves you, no matter how bad your scrupulosity gets. St. Thérèse of Lisieux, St. Alphonsus Liguori, and St. Ignatius of Loyola all struggled with scrupulosity. Also, I would highly, highly recommend St. Faustina (Jesus, I trust in You). She is famous for her Diary, in which she promulgates Jesus’s Divine Mercy. You can read it in full (thanks to the The Congregation of the Sisters of Our Lady of Mercy) here:

Diary | Mercy - Saint Faustina - Diary - Jesus, I trust in You - Congregation

Never give up, God loves you and He will help you. Trust in Him.

 

[Kei]

What the poster above me said.

We are not obliged to avoid remote occasions of sin. We are obliged to avoid proximate occasions of sin.
Proximate occasions are like those occasions that men of like calibre typically fall into mortal sin, or one in which experience indicates the same result from special weakness of a particular person.

We are not obliged to avoid remote occasions, which lack such criteria.

When a thought pops into your head, so long as you didn’t will it to be, it is not sinful. Trust in God, He will not abandon you like you fear. He is loving and kind. Get a good spiritual director, maybe try calling your local parish. Be at peace.