Seeing hypocrisy in friends

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Hello hello hello, I’m very torn on what I should do in this relationship. I’m friends with this girl and she is coming to me for advice a lot or wants to vent all of the time and the things she talks about is putting a great weight on my own heart. I’d say we are very close and I have known her for many years that she’s practically family and I worry if I say anything too harsh it will just being unnecessary tension into And possibly damage the relationship. She’s told me countless times about her talking to different men on different dating apps like tinder or bumble etc and at the same time talks about how much she wants to find her husband soon. She has said so herself she’s got a difficult time saying no to people that that has gotten her hurt too many times. I’ve talked to her about Gods plan for us in a delicate way and she has told me before that she has handed everything over to God and is putting everything in His hands, but she still is going and talking to all these different guys. She’s said she knows her husband isn’t going to be found through a dating app, but she still uses them. She is a very delicate, but strong girl and I don’t know how to talk to her about all of this. I can’t just come out and say, “Stop actively searching for your husband”. It doesn’t make sense to me all she does and I don’t want to come across like I judge her at all in any way, but I want her to guard her heart more. For what she says she wants, she’s doing the opposite I’m worried. Especially now that we are in quarantine, we are isolated from the friends we used to be with and from activities we used to go to so it’s really easy to get lonely. It’s also really easy to download several dating apps and I partly want to just come out and say to her that she needs to stop talking and flirting with dozens of strangers online and focus on herself and her relationship with God because she’s going through other struggles too, but I would feel terrible because I don’t want to make her feel judged in any way or ruin a friendship. I truly want what is best for her, but I don’t feel like it is in my place to say anything to her about it at the same time. I’m just confused and frustrated and hopeful someone has advice on what I should do.
 
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I feel for you and for her.

A few points:
  • It’s not wrong to use a dating app. Putting our future in God’s hands doesn’t mean wait for Mr. Right to fall from the sky. Just like you can ask someone else out in person, going to a dating site and setting up profiles for others to ask you out is not a problem.
  • If she has commitment issues, and talking to large numbers of men, that’s another issue altogether but it may not be your business to advise unless she asks. If she asks, suggest she pray and discern to see the KIND of husband she wants, not just to see herself married. When she does this, she’ll stop seeing every good available guy as her Mr. Right, and she’ll likely be more picky.
  • Why does she keep getting hurt, I wonder? Heartbreak is part of courting and dating but if she really seems to be struggling to make things work, is there and underlying issue?
How you can help:

Be supportive: These are TOUGH times for singles right now.
Cut her a bit more slack until quarantine is over.

Help her see her value as a person:
She’ll realize she shouldn’t need a husband to complete her.
Sh’ll realize she doesn’t need to find a husband right now.
She’ll realize many guys are not a good enough fit for what she deserves.

Hope this helps
 
I agree with the above post. But, I can see how the quarantine can make some people vulnerable. You could point out people who have met without the internet.

But, mostly, she needs friends. The kind that won’t judge her. So just be there for her. Let her see that she doesn’t need to find a man right now. If you live nearby, you can help her in practical ways (pick up groceries, etc.) Just let her see she’s not alone.

And, take care of yourself, in these hard times. And, of course, may God Bless you, your friend, all others around you!
 
I don’t think it’s wrong to be on a dating app per se, but I just get screenshots and lots of messages about the conversations she has with these guys and they’re not being nice to her at all, so why fight back? Just don’t talk to them is how I see it but she continues the conversation with people just to argue. She’s talking to a friend of mine on one of the apps and it just makes me nervous bc im being told way more information than I’d like about my friend and her and if I ask her to not talk about it I know it’ll upset her because she doesn’t have another person to vent about it all to(her words, not mine) :confused:
 
Why does she want to be treated this way by them?
Is there a reason she feels she needs a husband NOW?
Has she always been this way since you’ve known her?
If not when did the change happen?

How old are you both? (general age is fine)

Hmm…so one of the guys on the app is your friend?

I’m sorry, but I really think you need to set some boundaries with her on this one.
Tell her you don’t want to here private info/gossip about your other friend from her.
That person, at least, is off limits in conversations.
She would not like the other friend talking to you about her I’m sure.
She needs to know you value that relationship too, which speaks to how you value all your relationships, whether she agrees or not.
She may not have anyone else to vent to, but again, not really your problem.

Not really sure what other advice to offer.
It sounds like some pretty profound underlying things.
You may need to accept that you can’t help her and refer her elsewhere.
Quarantine may be stressing her out, it’s possible, but you have the right to limit your stress at this time too.
Lots of folks are making rules to limit negative conversations. You could too.
 
So… I can definitely understand your situation. My advice personally is to be ready to accept there are some situations in which a person will not see the truth until they choose to. I can tell you care for this individual and that that makes the situation hard for you. This is not to say that you cannot have an influence on her choices, especially if you see them as incorrect. Remember, you are able to disagree, this does not mean you are judging someone. Convey to her that you care, make it clear you are giving an opinion on her ideas, not her as a person if you find that you need to talk to her about the issue.
  • I will agree with a point on a previous post that dating sites are not inherently bad. They are, however, much more turbulent than non-virtual interactions. This could be something to talk to your friend about. People on the internet find it much easier to tell you what you want to hear than in person. Also, there is zero commitment on these platforms and it can create a sort of buffet effect where people go from person to person looking for what they want althewhile ignoring the fact that the other person is a human being and not considering their wants and needs.
  • I will recommend watching some of the videos of Fr. Mike Schmitz and Ascension presents. These individuals create a clear picture of how to approach dating. I remember there being several videos specifically on the topic that I think you would find helpful and perhaps that your friend would find helpful, should you decide to intervene.
I think the other posts bring up a very good point and one commonly indoctrinated into therapists. You cannot give to another if you have an empty cup. You have a right to your space and also to set boundaries. If this relationship becomes to difficult, it might be wise to ask her not to bring up her relationship problems with you and give her some suggestions of people who could help.
 
I don’t think she necessarily wants to be treated poorly and get burned as much as she has, but I feel like she’s not helping herself to avoid those situations either. I know everyone for the most part in her family has married young and I feel like she’s pressuring herself, but on the other hand she’s just talked about how she just really feels called to marriage and wants it ASAP. But yeah, I think she’s always been this way for the most part, at least when it comes to just dating and relationships etc. She’s 22 and I am 21. And yeah he’s a childhood friend that I grew Up with, his family is close with mine. I feel stuck bc I know she’s dealing with a lot in other parts of her life and I don’t want to be added pressure in any way. I know I can’t help in a way and like change things or like I am in no way her savior and I’ve tried referring her to other places that I trust and think might be helpful, she acknowledges them but doesn’t act on any of them.

Thank you for your post
 
Thank you for your post. I feel like I may have worded it wrong initially, I didn’t mean to say that dating apps are bad in and of themselves. Just especially the experiences she has had through them and even like the new Christian dating app she tried had some very shocking and just not chaste questions and other things thrown at her. I think there is a lot of good in people and in apps sometimes, but just some very bad things have come from her meeting with the men on the apps. I just was confused and frustrated if she could confidently say that she won’t find her husband in an app or like she mentioned she wouldn’t be comfortable telling her family how they really met if it was on an app, then why be on it still? I just want the best for her and feel like I’ve been put in an awkward position. It’s a sensitive topic to talk about with her so I’m worried me asking her to not talk about it would be interpreted wrongly
 
I definitely understand that. I’ve had friends in similar situations to the one you are describing and it has been really difficult in those times. Something I have learned over several situations has been to try not to be scrupulous of yourself. If you make a well thought out decision that you see as being the best one at the time, don’t blame yourself for things you could not have known would happen. Sometimes that is bearing a cross for someone else such as the hurt that your friend has been through, sometimes you’re given an opportunity to help. The difference between these is pretty hard to discern though. I admire the effort and concern you have shown for for your friend, she has a pretty good teammate on her side regardless of what you decide to do. Please feel free contact me if I can be of any help.
 
In which way are these guys not nice to her?
Do you mean like flirty teasing or outright being mean about her appearance etc?

Do you think she just likes the attention?
 
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