Seeking Martial Advice

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Hello, I would like to get a Catholic perspective on my situation. I am currently married to someone who did not tell me they are Catholic until a year after our wedding when our child was born. Additionally, I discovered that my husband was legally married to someone else throughout our engagement and hid his divorce proceedings from me through an elaborate ruse. I also found out after we were married that he has children with yet another secret ex wife.

What do I do? I love my husband and am committed to my family. While I am not Catholic, I do not believe in divorce. I’m hurt by my husband’s past and angered that he has shared the bonds of matrimony and parenthood with someone(s!!!) other than me, his wife. How do I get past this?
 
First, if you were married in the Catholic Church, by a priest, talk to that priest. You may not be considered married in the church.

Second, if you still want to remain in this marriage, get counseling! If you have any church affiliation, speak to your clergyman. If not, find a marriage counselor. This man, in the eyes of the church, and the law, has perpetrated serious fraud…with you as the major victim! It’s really sad that you didn’t find out about all this, before having a child. I’d think seriously before deciding to remain with this man. Very few individuals and religious denominations would fault you for separating from him. But, you know he lied…about quite a few things. A good counselor will help you get answers. Get them, before making any permanent decisions!
 
What do you want to do?
I think that this sounds like grounds for an annulment.
 
when my parents got a divorce, i was broken and often prayed that they’ll get back together, till my mum started telling us why she had to divorce my dad. He had never married her in church nor was he ready to. But what really helped me is knowing these reasons and though i was still young, knowing this helped to understand my mum’s pain and it thought me to accept things and be just as happy as any other kid. Sometimes parents think children don’t notice, but they do. several times did i try to talk too with my Dad, to get his stand but he kept saying i was still young (that was 25 years ago till now). Though, my mum, unlike my Dad, never remarried, i am sure my three siblings and i, would have welcomed a new “Father”, as long he"d love her and God sincerely.
Now, am grateful for the divorce, we got the liberty to go closer to God and the Church.
 
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You don’t get past this. I mean I just don’t see how.

This level of deceit is so far flung that it’s unbelievable.

How did you find out the truth btw? I mean did he suddenly have a big change of heart and break down about the truth? Or did someone else clue you in?

Because if you didn’t hear it from him first? You’d be wise to start packing. What he’s done in the past he’ll do again. How can you ever trust he won’t move on to wife #4 without telling you first?

Love only conquers all when it’s linked to something real.
 
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Thank you all for your compassion. To answer your question, the truth came out because he left part of his most recent divorce decree lying around for me to find. He said he didn’t tell me because he couldn’t lose me, and that everything before me was a big mistake, etc.

Legally speaking I lack grounds for an annulment and while I did speak to a priest, being told that I am not really my husband’s wife only hurt and enraged me further. I have decided to try my best to be gracious towards my spouse, and forgiving as I believe that marriage was created by God to refine us, though I never expected to be tested in this manner. I hope through self-denial and prayer God will bless my family. Thanks again.
 
I think you need to decide first whether you’re going to fix this the Catholic way, or some other way. You’re currently not a Catholic, but you have come to this site for help it seems, and you are married to a Catholic, and you’ve taken the trouble to speak to a priest about your situation – so I’m assuming you take at least some interest in fixing things the Catholic way. Specifically, you need to decide whether you want to be validly married in the eyes of the Church, or whether it is sufficient for you to “move on” in another way. You need to be determined about this before others can meaningfully give you advice.

Also, you wrote that “legally speaking” you lack grounds for an annulment, so apparently you’ve inquired about this. But you also write that you don’t believe in divorce. So it appears you are also undecided as to whether you want to stay together at all. Which are you aiming for, divorce or restoration of your marriage?
 
WHOA! Your values depending on husbands desire to tell you his truths. Why, as a Catholic, he could deceive like that. He must go to confession. Technically, unless he’s had annulment you are not married before God. That’s why he didn’t tell you, I bet. You’re married legally.
How does he want to handle this?
How do you know, he won’t do this to you. Why did his marriages end?
Do a background check. TRUTH FINDERS OR GOOGLE BACKGROUND CHECKS.
WHO IS HE?
You love, WHO? Vs who is he?
Can you find wives & talk to them?
Do not have kids till you know who he is?
How much child support is he paying. Your salary can get caught up in that support. Adding your salary in, they can increase the support received.
Doesn’t he get visits w kids.
Heck, go talk to priest in your parish.
It can work out if truth is out &
he can allay your fears.
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
 
I am sorry. You are quite likely ex-wife Number 3, whether you realize it now or later. Your husband has established a pattern, and he doesn’t seem about to change.

When people were talking about an “annulment,” they weren’t talking about the legal process; they were talking about the Catholic Church’s recognizing that a true marriage has not taken place.

In your case, I would be astounded to find that the Catholic Church considers you married. Your husband, a Catholic, did not marry you in the Church in a Catholic ceremony, he certainly didn’t get a dispensation from form (you would have been involved), and he’s been married twice before–what are the odds he went and got proper annulments from his previous wives?

So from a Catholic point of view, you are very unlikely to be considered “married.” If you wish your marriage to be recognized by the Church, your husband is going to have to do lots of paperwork and, best case scenario, get annulments within a few years.

Me, I’m a Protestant, and the revelation that my husband was a Catholic wouldn’t make me consider divorce, or to consider the marriage invalid. The hidden marriages and children, on the other hand…The tricky part is that you now have a child with this man, so one way or another you are bound to him forever. However you proceed must be predicated on the fact that your husband is a habitual liar and cheater (he was married while courting you!). Perhaps God will change his heart; this is certainly possible. Don’t count on it, however.
 
(P.S. I disagree with tweedlealice that your need to investigate your husband in order to find out who he is. Your husband has amply shown you who he is.)
 
You are not married to him. There is no doubt about that from a Catholic view.

Your legal, civil issues deserve a second opinion. I would speak to a family law attorney.

All of this would have been made clear through pre-marital counseling, such as the FOCCUS program used by nearly every Catholic diocese.

While the priest’s words may have angered you; it is simply the truth. And it’s not the priest or Church’s fault that you are in this predicament - it is that of your husband.

You are right to feel anger and hurt - he has deceived you to trick you into attempting marriage.
 
Prayers for you. This has to be terrible.

I hope that you can heal from this deceit.
 
Perhaps it is naive of me to expect that involving the church would somehow help us change course or rectify the situation, but I have a young child and want to take any action possible to preserve the family. It is already devastating to know that I will somehow have to explain that she has siblings from her father’s past, and that is not what God intended for families. I have never been married before and believe it is a lifelong commitment.

My husband has agreed to seek convalidation and attend marital counseling. I am hopeful that these are the first steps toward healing my pain and the damage done to our family. At the same time, being made to feel that I am the “other woman” in the situation has only stoked my bitterness. After all, the only divorced people in this situation are Catholic! So, I know it will be an ongoing struggle and a lot of work but I have a responsibility to my child to do whatever I can, if my husband leaves me anyway, that is out of my hands. I really appreciate everyone’s prayers and thoughtful advice in this difficult circumstance.
 
You are in an awful nightmarish situation…
Your husband is not honest, and you are now trapped in this situation…

As others have said, your situation is illegal in the eyes of the Catholic Church. However, it was not your fault, as you don’t know. More you are not Catholic, so this situation concerned only him (and appently he doesn’t care).

As the choice to stay or quit him, it’s hard, and it is not our place to advise. It is up to you.
But honestly this marriage has started on a very bad foot. Hope it will never end badly, it seems a real risk.
 
I know you say you don’t want to separate, but has something come up, recently? I wouldn’t be surprised if you found out your husband is seeing someone else., or even planning another secret marriage! You have to be realistic, for your childrens’ sake, if not for your own! Has a former wife suddenly asked for spousal or child support? I really don’t see how he can turn them down. I wish you thought better of yourself. You should see a lawyer. Even if only to protect your own, and your childrens’ financial interests. I know I’m rambling, but this is one of the most bizarre 'marital situations I’ve ever heard of.
 
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Oh…if your husband leaves you, it isn’t all out of your hands. He may seek, and receive a no-fault divorce. If you don’t involve yourself, and have someone to look after your interests, you may be left out of child custody/visitation decisions. Don’t let that happen! Your kids deserve better, and so do you!
 
I am perhaps naive, on how it works in your country, but I don’t think a judge will alienated the children from a mother, more, if the husband had two hidden marriage and children from his 3rd spouse.
 
True. But, the OP pretty much said that she would have nothing to do with a divorce. Her husband, therefore, would get to tell all kinds of lies about her. And, if she was not in the courtroom, represented by a lawyer who had documented proof concerning her (and his)past conduct, financial resources, track record in caring for children…well, just about anything to do with responsible marriage and child care/support, she could have to give him time alone with the kids, at the very least. I always say in such situations, 'hope/pray for the best, prepare for the worst. Although, I think that she has the two a bit mixed up, at the time of posting. Never assume anything, when it goes to court…or is likely to.
 
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