Seeking to spend the rest of my life in penitence for my past sins

[rc_trad]

I am 30 year old lay, Catholic female. I lost my father when I was a child and had been estranged from my mother since I was the age of 2. I was raised by my extended family members who are also Catholic but are not practicing. I returned to the true Catholic faith about 2 years ago where I started attending Mass in the extraordinary form.

I’m experiencing great difficulties in forgiving myself for the previous past sins I have committed, sexual immorality in particular. I have confessed these sins (and yes, I have been tested to ensure I am not carrying anything). What pains me deeply the most, is that through the knowledge of the faith, I have come to recognize the nobility and beauty in virtues such as chastity, and in particular, virginity, and the value of saving myself for my future husband. I just don’t know how I could tell my future husband about my past, if he wants to know, especially if he is a virgin. I was recently dating a man a few years older than I am who had never had a girlfriend before, I presumed he was a virgin, and I found myself always fearing he would see me in a lower light once I told him that I have had multiple partners in the past, some I was in a committed relationship with, and even some who I wasn’t in a committed relationship with, much to my deep disappointment now. However, him and I are no longer discerning marriage together due to other reasons.

I hope I’m not coming across as immature, please forgive me if I am. My mentality now is that I need to accept my past for what it is and to live with it. I have made my bed and now I need to lay in it. I have been considering living the rest of my life in penitence, and alone in order to repair the sins that I have committed. That would mean forgetting the possibility of marriage, which makes me very sad but at the same time, I think I can work towards having peace in knowing that I can dedicate the rest of my life in offering reparation for my sins. Does God want me to suffer in this way? To feel ashamed? Used? Guilty? i just cannot shake it off.

 

[umamibella]

God forgives you, therefore you must forgive yourself. There is no greater forgiveness and mercy then God.
Be kind to yourself and allow God to be in your life.

Have you been to confession?

 

[Justin_Mary]

I have been considering living the rest of my life in penitence, and alone in order to repair the sins that I have committed.

That’s a selfish thing to do. Have faith in the one who died for your sins. If a priest told you (in the person of Christ) your sins have been absolved, believe him & move on.

Whatever trials & tribulations you may feel called to, persevere through them through Him, in Him, & with Him with the Holy Spirit in the Glory of God the Father.

Not for your sins but for those who do not believe.

 

[Limoncello4021]

Do you understand the beautiful teaching of the church that God brings good out of evil? Do you know that the church sings praise about Adam’s sin–Original Sin!–not because of the sin itself, which was evil, but because it brought us a Savior, Jesus Christ? Please make “Oh Happy Fault!” your rule of life. That is, your sin and my sin, once confessed and truly repented, are guaranteed by God to now work for a greater good for us than if we had never sinned. Gosh, can you imagine anything more wonderful! So work to focus much more on God’s overwhelming love and mercy than your sins. He does NOT want us to wallow in sins we’ve confessed and been forgiven for. This is a slap in the face to His mercy which has, as He promised, wiped those sins away. Peace!

 

[Bernoulli]

Sins always have temporal consequences that persist even if the sin is forgiven. Some paths might no longer be possible. For example, someone who committed embezzlement may not be admitted as an accountant, someone with a past of violent crimes may not become a security guard.

Some of these restrictions are prescribed in law, others are prudential.

There are cases where someone is not suitable for marriage. In those cases, it is better to work towards something else. However, it is not healthy to feel constantly guilty and ashamed.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Have you discussed all this with a priest?

When we sin, even big sins, and we repent/ confess/ are absolved, it’s important that we also accept God’s grace of forgiveness and that we forgive ourselves. Your sins are gone, disappeared. Yet you’re continuing to beat yourself up over them, which seems like you’re refusing to accept God’s gift of forgiveness and maybe even throwing his gift right back in his face. God loves you just the way you are. He doesn’t love you less because you sinned and repented. Nor does he expect you to spend the rest of your life beating up on yourself.

With respect to finding a husband, you need to find one who doesn’t care what you did in your past. Such men definitely exist, I was married to one for 23 years. No doubt there are also men out there who, like you, commit sins when young and then find their way back to the Church.

Obviously it’s not guaranteed that any person, virgin or not, will be able to find a suitable marriage partner, but it’s a bit extreme to decide you have to live the whole rest of your life sad, alone and doing penance because you had sex with some boyfriends before you returned to active Catholic practice. Since it sounds like you would really like to get married, how about making an effort to meet and date a number of other guys before you throw in the towel just because it didn’t work out with one guy?

 

[DiscerningTheTruth]

It sounds to me as though you feel like your sins are too grievous for God to be able to forgive. He has given us a sacrament specially designed to forgive any and all sins. You don’t need to go above and beyond it. Be at peace.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

Do you think the extreme feelings you’re experiencing now might be displaced sadness that the relationship didn’t work out?

I’m not saying that purity isn’t a virtue, but there is a danger in getting too obsessed with purity and setting it up as the only thing that matters. Your story is a super common one. Lots of us strayed from active practice at one point, slept around, and then came back. God isn’t focused on your past sins anymore; He’s overjoyed you found your way home.

 

[1ke]

I hope I’m not coming across as immature, please forgive me if I am.

No, not immature, but in need of counseling to forgive yourself and move beyond. Please get some counseling, you are not the sum of your sins. You are a beloved child of God.

My mentality now is that I need to accept my past for what it is and to live with it. I have made my bed and now I need to lay in it. I have been considering living the rest of my life in penitence, and alone in order to repair the sins that I have committed.

That is NOT Catholic teaching. Please get a good Catholic therapist. Dr Greg Popcak’s practice has Catholic therapists on staff.

Does God want me to suffer in this way? To feel ashamed? Used? Guilty? i just cannot shake it off.

NO! God does not.

Get some counseling from your priest and therapy from a qualified professional.

 

[Motherwit]

My mentality now is that I need to accept my past for what it is and to live with it. I have made my bed and now I need to lay in it. I have been considering living the rest of my life in penitence, and alone in order to repair the sins that I have committed. That would mean forgetting the possibility of marriage, which makes me very sad but at the same time, I think I can work towards having peace in knowing that I can dedicate the rest of my life in offering reparation for my sins. Does God want me to suffer in this way? To feel ashamed? Used? Guilty? i just cannot shake it off.

I’m not an alcoholic or addict but years ago I did the 12 steps with another group that used the program. I think that the program is so brilliant that everyone could benefit from it. Learning to let go of the past and not need to control your future is such a freeing thing. Live life today the best you can and trust in the transforming grace of God to work out the details.

 

[Sarcelle]

That would mean forgetting the possibility of marriage, which makes me very sad but at the same time, I think I can work towards having peace in knowing that I can dedicate the rest of my life in offering reparation for my sins. Does God want me to suffer in this way? To feel ashamed? Used? Guilty? i just cannot shake it off.

If you had a loved one who sinned against you and has repented would you like them to spend the rest of their days in misery or would you wish the best for them?

You would want the best for them if you have truly forgiven them.

Same thing with God. If you can forgive your loved one and wish them well then God definitely can do the same.

No one can outlove God.

 

[WalkingTogether]

RC_Trad,

Lots of good responses here. I’d like to share a different viewpoint. I started dating a woman who had two sons from different absentee fathers. She had a very misspent youth/twenties. I had one spouse from 20 to 39. She had two previous marriages. We had been friends/neighbors a decade earlier. But now found ourselves single and back in acquaintance. Before dating I struggled with her past. Not rejection, because I did love her as a friend. That love grew as time progressed. In fact, my feelings had to be tested. Events of drinking, self destruction, etc. tested my feelings/love. A lot of baggage that you seem not to carry. What I found upon reflection with Christ is an understanding of how God loves us and how I can, by His Grace, love others the same. Now, after 10 years married and her practicing Catholic we have the strongest and deepest relationship. The devil tried to temp me often to judge and reject. But I grew in Christ instead. I am quite sure she carried a deamon(s) with her for years. But we have purged them from our life. I will say I can’t imagine having succeeded here without a strong and deepening Catholic faith. So if you are called to the married life, choose a solid and growing Catholic man. A real one. Rosary and all. You both will be the anvil of each other’s sanctity. (As marriage is intended).