Self Forgiveness

[Mary_Anne1]

Hello,

I have made some terrible decisions in my life. I was young, on my own and driven by lifestyles of the world. One day I shook up myself and made changes. I realized I was far away from the good person I used to be and wanted to be. Often I am reminded of what I did and I am disgusted with myself. The disgust is sometimes overwhelming. I have been to confession I confessed everything. I often confess in prayer. I even talk to friends about it. Everyone tells me to let it go it is the past and it is because of my goodness that I even feel guilty. The priest tells me that once I have confessed it I should trust that God has forgiven me and never bring it up again. What if I cannot forgive myself ? I feel like my mistake has tarnished me and it is something I can never take back it has scarred the life that I have wanted to live as a Catholic.
Sometimes I even get angry at God for not warning me sooner. Or not answering prayers that I say everyday the Our Father which says lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. I feel like there were so many temptations around me. Why was I led there ? But I know it is not fair to be angry with God because he gives us a free will. But then I wonder what is the point of prayer as long as there is free will ?

 

[OneSheep]

Hello,

I have made some terrible decisions in my life. I was young, on my own and driven by lifestyles of the world. One day I shook up myself and made changes. I realized I was far away from the good person I used to be and wanted to be. Often I am reminded of what I did and I am disgusted with myself. The disgust is sometimes overwhelming. I have been to confession I confessed everything. I often confess in prayer. I even talk to friends about it. Everyone tells me to let it go it is the past and it is because of my goodness that I even feel guilty. The priest tells me that once I have confessed it I should trust that God has forgiven me and never bring it up again. What if I cannot forgive myself ? I feel like my mistake has tarnished me and it is something I can never take back it has scarred the life that I have wanted to live as a Catholic.
Sometimes I even get angry at God for not warning me sooner. Or not answering prayers that I say everyday the Our Father which says lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. I feel like there were so many temptations around me. Why was I led there ? But I know it is not fair to be angry with God because he gives us a free will. But then I wonder what is the point of prayer as long as there is free will ?

I am reading from your OP that you are feeling a lot of guilt and shame. You are saying that you understand that God forgives you, but you have not forgiven yourself, which I think is a very important part of realizing God’s forgiveness.

I understand your anger at God. We can forgive God, as you say, because God gives us free will, but the bottom line is that we get angry at ourselves for doing the things we did.

I am hearing that what you want is an internal reconciliation.

I think your prayer, now, is for that reconciliation. One point of prayer is that in prayer itself, we undergo conversion.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hello,

I have made some terrible decisions in my life. I was young, on my own and driven by lifestyles of the world. One day I shook up myself and made changes. I realized I was far away from the good person I used to be and wanted to be. Often I am reminded of what I did and I am disgusted with myself. The disgust is sometimes overwhelming. I have been to confession I confessed everything. I often confess in prayer. I even talk to friends about it. Everyone tells me to let it go it is the past and it is because of my goodness that I even feel guilty. The priest tells me that once I have confessed it I should trust that God has forgiven me and never bring it up again. What if I cannot forgive myself ? I feel like my mistake has tarnished me and it is something I can never take back it has scarred the life that I have wanted to live as a Catholic.
Sometimes I even get angry at God for not warning me sooner. Or not answering prayers that I say everyday the Our Father which says lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. I feel like there were so many temptations around me. Why was I led there ? But I know it is not fair to be angry with God because he gives us a free will. But then I wonder what is the point of prayer as long as there is free will ?

Why are you being harder on yourself than God is? Do you doubt that you really are forgiven? Have you made any amends for actions you took that you regret? There can still be temporal effects of our sins even though we have been forgiven. For example, I can confess my premarital sexual past but if a baby resulted from that sex, then the child is a result that is not going to go away.

You say you get angry at God for not warning you earlier. But maybe He did and you weren’t able to listen to Him. When I look back upon my life I can see many points where I was at a crossroads and I chose to go the right way and not the wrong way. And it’s not as if I really understood the situation fully. I see those as the moments when God finally broke through and made a difference when the choice counted. Not when it came to getting a great parking spot, but when choosing one way would have ruined the life He wanted me to have.

God doesn’t want you to continue to berate yourself for your past sins. Go and clean up any consequences from your sins, make any amends that you need to (but talk to a priest first, and do not do this if it will hurt anyone else), and then pray to let go of this. If you’re still clutching at your past sins, for any reason, you can’t open your hands to His new blessings in your life.

 

[Marie1234]

It’s hard to get past certain events of the past. Self forgiveness and acceptance can be extremely difficult. Often times, we are our own worst enemy; the one who judges and insults us more than anyone else.

You need to stop thinking about your past mistakes. Don’t let yourself obsess about them. It’s done and over with. Remind yourself about what a good person you are now. Think about who you want to be in the present and future. Smile and enjoy the new life God has given you . Thank God that you are faithful now; that’s all that really matters.

Everyone makes mistakes and everyone deals with a bit of self-loathing at some point in their lives. It’s common and kind of natural. But it’s important to be able to rise above it and move on. It’s good that you realize your sins of the past and your guilt is an indication of your sorrow. But it’s important not to dwell in it. God wouldn’t want that.

Everyone gets upset at God at some point as well. It’s part of being human. But just remember everything you went through in the past was a part of His plan. In the present, it may seem very confusing, but God knows much more than we do and can see the future for you too. Everything happens for a reason. I believe that. Accept His Will and you will be able to forgive yourself.

Pray to God to help you with forgiveness. Ask Him for the graces to see the goodness of who you are and the goodness of God’s plan for your life.

God Bless you and may He bring you peace

 

[louisak]

Saint Francis de Sales, in his great work Introduction to the Devout Life, has a chapter titled “Of Meekness Towards Ourselves” (part 3, section 9). I thought of that while reading your post. It might be helpful to you. He explains that many people give in to strong emotions such as anger and discouragement when thinking about their sins, and that giving in to such emotions does not help us to practice virtue, but on the contrary makes us more hostage to our own passions.

 

[Della]

Everyone who sins does so because they think they are going to get something from that action they can’t/wouldn’t get by not doing it. We see something we think will make us happy, we let go of the good we knew and we do it to satisfy ourselves. It’s only later, when we realize how empty was the thing we thought would make us happy that we berate ourselves for being so foolish.

God allows us to do such things because he is not a puppet master, but a father. What father has told his child not to do something, but the child does it anyway? We all do it, some to one degree or another, but we all do it. Mortal sins almost never present themselves as actions that will cut us off from loving our God, rather they present themselves as desireable things, like Eve with the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. She wanted to be wise, but as she wanted, not as God wanted her to be. And so we think we will get something we want, but we only end up getting hurt.

There are two forces at work when we can’t forgive ourselves. 1) the enemy wants us to go on focusing on what we did wrong instead of forging ahead, gaining virtues and graces. So tell him to take a hike. 2) We can fall into the trap of pride–thinking our sin was worse than anyone else’s and therefore we can’t forgive ourselves. Nope, we’re all sinners–that’s why you and I are not the only ones going to confession, yes? The more you dwell on the wrong you did, the less you can go forward. It’s fine to feel remorse–such remorse should keep us from doing the same wrongs again, but God has better things in mind for you than that. Trust in his mercy and love and ask him to give you an open heart to love him as he deserves to be loved. That will squelch any more desire to hang onto the past.

 

[Mary_Anne1]

Thanks to everyone for their encouragement and advice. I often feel this way and am emotional about it because I think of how drastic my change was and how far I had fallen from being soooo innocent and gooood. Seeing your posts helped me and I know there are days when I will feel down again I will just come back here and read this.

 

[Mary_Anne1]

I wish I had found this forum sooner in my life. You are exposed to so much out in the world that I didn’t know there were so many good practicing Catholics out there for support and belonging.

 

[Marie1234]

I wish I had found this forum sooner in my life. You are exposed to so much out in the world that I didn’t know there were so many good practicing Catholics out there for support and belonging.

I felt the same way before I joined this forum. It really is rough out there in the secular world; I know how you feel. I’m just so happy that you were able to find your way out of it. I pray that more people can be like you.

Don’t give up and try not to be so hard on yourself. I can tell you’re a good person, and if I know that, God for sure does too.

Now it’s your turn to recognize it

God Bless you!

 

[Domiy]

Thanks to everyone for their encouragement and advice. I often feel this way and am emotional about it because I think of how drastic my change was and how far I had fallen from being soooo innocent and gooood. Seeing your posts helped me and I know there are days when I will feel down again I will just come back here and read this.

I can relate to you, on literally all of those levels.

Sometimes I loathe at myself for the changes I too made. Ruining some relationships, changing friends, changing jobs, moving, perhaps even sacrificing my belief briefly as well. I can get myself back on track slightly, but then I keep thinking about how “good” I had it before, how everything was sorted and perfect in my life, how I was happy and had everything I thought I needed, and this was reflected in my praising God. I was a good believer because I was happy.

Things are a lot different now. I went through an extremely rough patch, one of many in my life. Even now, I struggle understand fully the purpose of it. But very, very slowly I have come to see good in it, bit by bit. I guess I proved to God that I could be a good believer when I was happy and satisfied, so He wanted to take me out of my comfort zone. Perhaps to strengthen me, or perhaps for me to strengthen others. Ultimately, I’ve come to realize that my belief and faith was maybe a little too reliant on the physical and worldly satisfaction in my life. I’ve heard it said many times; anyone can be a believer when they see it. But, true belief comes from believing even when you don’t see it. “Blessed are those who believe, yet have not seen” and also, “only a gluttonous generation would ask for a sign”.

Of course, that’s not to say that it is wrong to desire or admire your previous life. I still do deep down, due to personal circumstances. I ruined a relationship with my ex gf of 2 years to the point that she doesn’t even acknowledge that I exist anymore. Even though I feel that she was likely more at fault due to the way she went about things, I could have maybe reacted a lot better and done more for the relationship. But, it’s too late now. That’s the cold, hard truth. I’ve asked God many times “Why?”. Slowly but surely he’s come to tell enlighten a response in me “Because I have something better planned for you, I promise. Be patient. I have chosen you to fill a very special void I see in your life, and that of others”, or something like that I imagine

This is the way it is. God has a plan for all of us, and it is up to us to follow and abide by it. Trust Him, pray consistently and hang in there! God may well be strengthening your belief and ability. Jesus has infinite love for you, there is nothing you can do that would change that. Meditate on His suffering that was endured for our sake, and then try to see how stupid it was to think that he possibly doesn’t love you. If he can forgive you, that’s all that matters. However, it’s very important to forgive yourself. I can sense great remorse in you, and that is exactly what is needed for a good confession. If you’re truly sorry, you would forgive yourself, and slowly try to make things right the best you can. For now, relax.

May I also suggest, non-religious wise for a brief second, you watch the movie “The Lookout” if you’re into that sort of stuff. It’s not a religious movie, perhaps far from it, but I watched it not too long ago and felt amazed and inspired at how much I could relate to the main character and how everything ends up. It’s a great movie, IMO, to deal with and relate to personal loss and regret.

Anyway, that’s me. GOD BLESS!

 

[AlanFromWichita]

What if I cannot forgive myself ? I feel like my mistake has tarnished me and it is something I can never take back it has scarred the life that I have wanted to live as a Catholic.

I think the other posters are doing a great job of addressing this question, so I’ll defer to them for the moment.

Why was I led there ?

In short, so that by your healing, which includes forgiving yourself, the glory of God will be shown. If you had never sinned, you would neither need God nor experience His mercy. (reference John 9:1-3)

Luke 15:7
I tell you, in just the same way there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous people who have no need of repentance.

Actually there are several similar examples in Luke 15. They are all about being lost and then found. We discuss finding lost sheep, lost coins, and of course a lost son as in the Prodigal Son parable. Remember there can’t be a reunion celebration unless there was a separation.

Note that in the Prodigal Son in verse 24 and 32 both, the son is described as being dead and now being alive again. Note that the son did not actually physically die like Jesus and was resurrected, but the exact same principle is at work. So if you die to your worldly self, the one that has sinned, you can be raised up again, which unites you with the mystery of Jesus.

What you are feeling is the sin “mortifying” you, that is, putting your carnal mind (some call it ego) to death. St. Paul describes in Rom 7 how sin puts the body to death. But that’s not a Bad Thing, because Jesus said, “you must lose your life in order to gain it.” Well, what are you doing now? You’re saying you were not happy with your life the way you lived it. So you die to yourself, which is step 1. Step 2 is rising in Christ, which is the fun part. If you never experienced that evil, you would never know the joy that’s waiting for you just around the corner, not to mention the rejoicing in heaven, when Mary Anne1 comes back from the dead (the way you feel now) and are alive again (fruit of the spirit, serenity, happiness etc.)

But I know it is not fair to be angry with God because he gives us a free will. But then I wonder what is the point of prayer as long as there is free will ?

That’s a good question; I think I’ll hold off on answering it until I’ve pondered more, the relationship between sin, prayer, and free will.

Alan

 

[TimeEntrance]

You’re alright, Mary. The guilt evidences that. It’s probably a purging thing for us. You think so?

I know forgiving ourselves can be a challenging thing.

Peace.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I wish I had found this forum sooner in my life. You are exposed to so much out in the world that I didn’t know there were so many good practicing Catholics out there for support and belonging.

Glad you did find us!

Remember this: The windshield of your car is about 10 times as large as your rearview mirror…That’s because you can’t move forward while looking backwards. Looking back every now and again is a good idea, but if you try to go forward while only staring backward, you’ll have a crash!