Selfish confessions?

[Sorbetto]

Someone asked once in a thread whether he should tell his wife he cheated on her after he’d confessed it…was it important for her to know, or should he leave it to God?

I have a question sort of similar, but a bit different. I’ll be Catholic in the fall. I’ll have much to confess my first time. My boyfriend (and future husband) knows a lot about my past, which is a very bad one. There is still one thing that occurred in my past that I haven’t revealed to anyone. It does bug my conscience now and then (although I’ve come to terms pretty well with it and asked forgiveness so many times and prayed about it), and sometimes I feel like I should just open up and tell him. But it doesn’t really involve him. In fact, I think it would just make things more difficult when we do get married one day. It would interfere with his relationship with my family – so I wonder if my desire to tell him is just a little selfish…me wanting to get it off my chest so it doesn’t bug me anymore? I think it would do more hurt than help to HIM, but might make ME feel better. What do you think?

Also, once I confess it…I suppose I should just leave it to God? I’ve heard that we are encouraged to leave the things we confess to God and don’t let them leave the confessional?

 

[Ghosty]

If telling him something unnecessary would hurt him, I’d recommend not doing it. Confess it to God and the priest, and leave it at that. If it ever becomes relevant, you may have to tell him, but until then I don’t think you’re being dishonest to him by keeping it to yourself, espescially if you really think it would hurt him. Your Confessor will be able to give you better advice, however. Good luck and welcome home!

 

[nike248]

Ghosty:

If telling him something unnecessary would hurt him, I’d recommend not doing it. Confess it to God and the priest, and leave it at that. If it ever becomes relevant, you may have to tell him, but until then I don’t think you’re being dishonest to him by keeping it to yourself, espescially if you really think it would hurt him. Your Confessor will be able to give you better advice, however. Good luck and welcome home!

I agree with this person. Confession will help you so much, you won’t have to tell him.

 

[JimG]

“Also, once I confess it…I suppose I should just leave it to God?”

Yes. Confess it in the confessional and then forget it. There’s no need to discuss it with anyone else.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Ditto to all above.

 

[LisaB]

I would consider if your boyfriend’s knowing this information would impact how he sees you and your relationship. Would this information impact his desire to marry you? If so, I would tell him to avoid lying to him by omission. Personally, I wouldn’t want my boyfriend or spouse to hide anything from me. If I found out later that he was hiding something from me, I would wonder what else he is not telling me. But in your case, maybe it is better that you don’t tell him – it’s hard to say without knowing the specifics of your situation.

 

[JimG]

I know of several marriages in which a spouse does not know every moral failing of the other spouse’s past. And that’s a good thing. The past is past. The marriage is now and future.

I also know of some marriages where a spouse thought it necessary to disclose every moral failing of their past life–and it always made the marriage worse.

 

[CatholicPoet]

There’s not really one answer to this question that would work for every situation or circumstance. But, ask yourself these questions: is a desire to reveal this element of your past motivated by a hope of deepening the love bond? Is its revelation likely to strengthen the bond?

I think the point made previously about concerns over lying by omission is a valid one. If yours is a situation that is likely to impact the future, then it is probably more of a concern. If it is strictly in the past and is not impacting who you are now and your ability to enter honestly and freely into a marriage, then it is probably better to leave it in the past.

Without knowing the specifics – and I wouldn’t want you to tell me! – it’s not possible to say for certain. When you take it to confession and receive absolution for past sins, the sins are forgiven. It might still bother you, but they are forgiven nonetheless.

 

[ames61]

Congrats on coming in to the Church! When I came into the Church 4 years ago I was in a similar situation and asked the advice of my confessor. His response was to put it to the Holy Spirit and to see what He wrote on my heart.

At first I felt it not necessary to confide in my husband. And absolution greatly lifted the burden I had been carrying. But after a period of time I found I needed more healing, and at that point confided in my husband before I went to a retreat to address that healing. Though it did not affect him directly, I have found that having this barrier down between us (which he did not ever know existed) has greatly enhanced our relationship, both in our honesty and in his ability to understand who I am, why I have become the person I am, and where I am on my journey.

Trust in the Holy Spirit, and don’t think your decision needs to be made immediately. Once done, it can’t be undone. But if it becomes right, you will know. It could be weeks or years or decades or never. Continue to consult your priest or spiritual advisor if you need to.

Also be open to the idea that you might need additional healing from people who have been in similar situations. Confession absolves us completely. But the effects of the wound remain. It has affected us in ways we don’t perceive. Whatever the sin may be, chances are there are good Catholic programs which may address it. Ask your pastor for advice, or go online.

God bless.