Seminarian struggling with trust

[catholicguy17]

This is my first time joining or writing on a forum post, but I have decided to reach out to the wider Catholic community to ask for prayers and to seek advice from those who have more life experience than myself.

While I tend to have more life experience than the average seminarian since I am in my 30s, I would like to hear perspectives from those who have lived their vocations for at least 5/10 years or so, past the “honeymoon” phase of marriage or priesthood so to speak.

I can say my experience so far has been mostly good, with some bad, but overall I can tell I have grown from where I was when I started.

Lately I have been struggling and would like to ask for prayers for peace. I will try to describe in a general way what I think is behind all this and if anyone has any advice on the “how” behind the best way to overcome/deal with these things that would be helpful.

1. The first and biggest thing I have fairly consistently struggled with is the idea of making a vow of celibacy.
   The reason I struggle with this is I struggle trusting that I can be as fulfilled and happy living as a celibate as I would be sharing life with a wife. I think part of this stems from my past when I have met priests who expressed a desire to be married, it made me wonder why they did not feel their vocation was enough. I also wonder about those priests who leave the priesthood in order to marry. While I feel called to the priesthood, I also feel I would prefer to be married, I feel torn.

I feel like with the vow of celibacy you have to act in a manner as if you are married even though you are not married, so while you can have women friends, you have to be very careful of not becoming or even appearing to be too friendly. I want to be myself, but not walk on eggshells.

The way some women have acted towards me and comments they have made leads me to wonder if single women treat seminarians and priests with less respect than they do married men?
My question for those with more life experience is what is the best way to deal with/set boundaries with women who may “give you the eye”, leer at you, or make comments? Some of these situations can be ongoing or long term, for example in a parish setting.
Also, for those who are already priests, how did you learn to be comfortable with the vow of celibacy?

1. The second thing that I think is causing me some concern is learning the best way to approach situations of broken trust with other seminarians or even priests. The community setting of the seminary is different than a work setting, but when you feel there is a rift between you and another is it better to ignore the event or sit down and talk to the person one-on-one? Some people have told me doing so (talking to the person) could backfire on me if I am seen as trying to “stir the pot”.
   For priests, how have you approached situations with other priests?
2. Finally, just for fun: For those of you who are married, what is it you wished priests understood better about marriage? For those of you who are priests, what is it that you wish married people understood better about the priesthood?

That is it for now. Everyone, thank you for the prayers!

 

[CRV]

Hello and welcome! Not being a deacon or priest I am unable to offer any advice, though I would like you to know I have prayed for you.

Perhaps either of our two priests would be willing to offer you insights (hopefully they are around)
@InThePew
@edward_george1

or perhaps one of our deacons may be willing also to offer any insights (also hoping they are around).
@DoGodsBidding1
@CTBcin
@CRM_Brother
@Diaconia

 

[kapp19]

Talk with your formation adviser about your first two points.

-K

 

[CTBcin]

I’m not a deacon… just a seminarian. But I’ll try and give a response when I have the chance.

Without reading the OP yet, my first piece of advice would be to talk to and be open with their spiritual director.

 

[OKComputer]

For those of you who are married, what is it you wished priests understood better about marriage?

Okay, you asked. I’ll probably get hate for this. I want to be clear that it’s just my own experiences, and yes they don’t really mean that much in the big picture.

In my experience, sometimes priests can offer answers to marriage questions that don’t really work in reality and can be overly simplistic. Marriage is complicated and there are no easy answers to complicated questions sometimes.

Again, just my experience and what I’ve heard.

 

[Mountie]

Seminary life isn’t easy, especially during times of COVID-19. Sometimes there are dry periods in prayer and sometimes we just don’t want to do what God wants us to do. The good part about seminary is that you have spiritual directors and formation advisors. Be sure to bring up your concerns with the appropriate person. Transparency will be a great tool in discerning whether you have received the gift of celibacy. As for a word of good news, in addition to us individuals discerning the priesthood, the Church also discerns whether men are called to be priests. Your formators are charged with that sacred task and will properly evaluate and help you in every capacity that they can. Just be open and honest with those entrusted to care for you and be sure to spend a holy hour with Jesus in dialogue with Him.

 

[CRV]

Apologies for my mistake - I honestly thought you’d reached the stage of transitional deacon in your formation. Also apologies for any awkwardness for you my error may have caused.

 

[rosejmj]

I think it’s kind of normal to be torn about the whole celibacy and marriage thing. It’s very unnatural to give up sex and marriage. Not everyone can do it and remain chaste and happy. Hopefully discernment and getting to know yourself will help you figure out if it’s for you. I would also hesitate on just relying on prayer and whether you believe it’s God’s will- I feel like people could mistake a calling to the priesthood for different reasons and not ever take into account what they want and what will make them happy and feel guilted into it because “God wants it”. You have experienced life as an adult and can probably learn some through your past experiences. I hope that’s a minority though and hopefully not what’s going on through your head

 

[CTBcin]

Apologies for my mistake - I honestly thought you’d reached the stage of transitional deacon in your formation. Also apologies for any awkwardness for you my error may have caused.

Haha… no worries. I’ve got a couple years until diaconate!

 

[Lara]

Your trouble might be you don’t trust yourself yet. If you really believe you’d be happier being married, I doubt you would have wound up at a seminary. None of my brothers considered the seminary for even a moment. So you have a mission, or at the very least, an inkling that this is your mission; you picked the mission and you are basically looking over the fence and wondering if the grass is greener on the other side. Everybody has problems; you’re just choosing your set of problems. Personally, I think the life of a priest is a lonely one, leaving aside the whole celibacy question, so I’d first figure out if I could handle that if I were a seminarian.

With respect to women, you just need to know how to speak up for yourself. Directness is best. “Well, I’m out of the dating market, so don’t ask me, (don’t look at me) (don’t say that).” Women respect priests. Admittedly, we might wonder about the devotion of seminarians from time to time, but the proof is in the vows.

 

[jack63]

I can’t comment on all that you’ve asked for since I am neither married nor a priest. There are a few things I can try to answer from years working in corporations though. I hope it helps!

The way some women have acted towards me and comments they have made leads me to wonder if single women treat seminarians and priests with less respect than they do married men?
My question for those with more life experience is what is the best way to deal with/set boundaries with women who may “give you the eye”, leer at you, or make comments? Some of these situations can be ongoing or long term, for example in a parish setting.

How do you set boundaries with anybody? Back when I used to work in corporations, I received some great advice. It is this…As you walk down the halls of whatever institution you’re at. Acknowledge everybody by saying hello and smiling (as best you can ). Do this whether they are men, woman, homely, or comely. Do it exactly the same for everybody…almost do it dutifully. It sets a great boundary. The thing is this. You’re not all of sudden “just” talking some individual who loves a seminarian’s or priest’s attention. You acknowledging and talking with everybody in your environment. For the individual who just love’s a seminarian’s or priest’s attention, it likely will keep them away. They’re no longer “special” for talking to that quiet seminarian because he’s not that quiet. He speaks to anybody after all. I found that this habit keeps troublemakers away…whether men or women. Perhaps the troublemakers see you as deeply connected to a community and not such a good target. Another benefit of this habit, is that I’ve found it drops a barrier between you and others and you get to know some wonderful, kind, and interesting people that you would not otherwise connect to. Just an idea…

The second thing that I think is causing me some concern is learning the best way to approach situations of broken trust with other seminarians or even priests. The community setting of the seminary is different than a work setting, but when you feel there is a rift between you and another is it better to ignore the event or sit down and talk to the person one-on-one? Some people have told me doing so (talking to the person) could backfire on me if I am seen as trying to “stir the pot”.

I’ve never been in any type of setting (e.g. work, education, church etc.) where you can successfully sit down with somebody to resolve a hard to define “rift” with another person. This never works…not once…not ever. “Stir the pot” is a euphemism, if you’ll do this you’ll be setting the pot on fire. Instead, what I’ve found effective is to address specifics (e.g. comments or actions) in a relevant setting and in a non-confrontational way. Most people mean well, and usually, if there is a rift, you or another person are making decisions based on sincere considerations that aren’t being seen.

I’ll pray for you! Really good questions! I look forward to other’s responses!

 

[Jen7]

Re: celibacy. Married life isn’t a picnic. When I hear people question priestly celibacy I scratch my head. What exactly do they think is going on in marriages?? Let’s not forget that NFP includes VASTLY more abstinence than the cutesy pre-Cana classes lead you to believe (esp if you’re actually getting pregnant sometimes and having kids!) Then family-life necessitates plenty of abstinence anyway - to name just a few reasons: your spouse is tired, your kids are sick, your kids are scared of storms and sleeping in your bed, you have a newborn, you have a teething toddler, your wife has morning sickness, your wife is massively pregnant and in pain, your wife is freshly post partum, your wife is an exhausted train-wreck from being up with the baby, you are an exhausted train-wreck from helping with the baby, you yourself are sick or stressed, your in laws are visiting, you and your spouse are fighting about your in laws visiting… the list goes on and on!) If you think you may not be called to the priesthood because the celibacy is too hard, better not look to marriage! In fairness, you’re likely unconsciously comparing against some Hollywood notion of married life that’s the stuff that leads married couples to divorce each other too because they ain’t got it. Nobody has that Hollywood kind of life. Life is hard. It includes truckloads of real sacrifice. The not-glorious kind even your spouse doesn’t notice or thank you for. If I sound bitter I promise I’m not! I’m happily married for over 10 years and have six kids. It’s very very blessed… but it isn’t EASY.

 

[Jen7]

In my experience, sometimes priests can offer answers to marriage questions that don’t really work in reality and can be overly simplistic. Marriage is complicated and there are no easy answers to complicated questions sometimes.

A thousand times this! It’s okay to say you don’t know & aren’t an expert in this field! I have priests in the family & the well-meaning marriage advise they’ve given on topics like child care or dealing with in laws… it makes me chuckle and roll my eyes at the same time.

Where priests can be truly HELPFUL is if they’d preach on Church teaching re: sexuality. Tell men that yes you know it’s hard but they need to reject easy allure of contraception, even when all their buddies are prodding them to “join the club” and get snipped. Preach against porn. Call men to a higher standard - one you celebate priests should be living to an even more amazing degree so your words will carry extra weight! In over ten years of marriage I’ve heard a priest peach on chastity ONCE. But I’ve sat through countless sermons on how Jesus wants us to recycle.

 

[AdamP88]

While I feel called to the priesthood, I also feel I would prefer to be married, I feel torn.

If this is a major struggle for you I would suggest that you consider your vocation carefully. I was in the same position and I left and ultimately got married. I am happy with that choice. Ultimately you need to be happy in your vocation, whatever it is. Catholic husbands and fathers are needed as much as priests. Not saying to leave but it’s worth considering if you feel a strong pull to marriage and consistently feel that you’d be more fulfilled in marriage. Sometimes God speaks through our desires.

The way some women have acted towards me and comments they have made leads me to wonder if single women treat seminarians and priests with less respect than they do married men?

I think some Catholic women feel that seminarians are good potential spouses. Technically they’re not committed to a vocation yet and the fact that they’re in seminary demonstrates that they take the faith seriously. I know at least one woman who “stole” her husband from seminary.

For those of you who are married, what is it you wished priests understood better about marriage?

I think most priests understand marriage just fine. As a married man, I’d love to hear the church teachings on marriage preached from the pulpit a bit more often.

 

[Jen7]

feel like with the vow of celibacy you have to act in a manner as if you are married even though you are not married, so while you can have women friends, you have to be very careful of not becoming or even appearing to be too friendly. I want to be myself, but not walk on eggshells.

This is true for married men too, though. My husband better not be very friendly with other women!! I hope he walks on eggshells a little bit, lol.

 

[Jen7]

The second thing that I think is causing me some concern is learning the best way to approach situations of broken trust with other seminarians or even priests. The community setting of the seminary is different than a work setting, but when you feel there is a rift between you and another is it better to ignore the event or sit down and talk to the person one-on-one?

I recommend taking a personality test (see “It’s Just My Nature” or “The Temperament God Gave You”). You’ll learn about how you likely approach conflict. Then read about the other personality types and see how others handle conflict differently. What works best in a situation will depend who the conflict is with. A choleric needs to handle his conflict with a melancholic differently than if he’d had a disagreement with another choleric. The blunt style that would make two choleric feel they’d dealt with their differences effectively and above-board… would crush a sensitive melancholic and leave them feeling personally attacked.

 

[catholicguy17]

To all who have replied I want to say, thank you! I think everyone has given me some things to think about this semester.

Sorry about the late response, but I posted the original post before moving back into seminary and have been adjusting to classes again and COVID procedures.
We are going into finishing our second week now. I can say part of me is happy to be back with the community, but there is still a part of me lacking peace as I have held off on unaddressed situations with certain persons here at the seminary…

Mountie, I liked what you said about being open and honest to those entrusted to my care and I will try to keep that in mind.

Lara, I also need to remember what you said about choosing my set of problems. Any walk in life will have good, bad, and its own set of problems.
I agree with what you said about directness being best, but I just need to be careful how I word things and how I approach discussions. I have heard it said in counseling before to word statements as, “When this happened…this is how it made me feel/the impressions I received, did you intend that?” Perhaps that is the best way, even in situations of broken trust.

Jen7, thank you for giving me a small glimpse into the fact that marriage has its difficulties as well and no one has that Hollywood life. Thank you as well for the encouragement, if I become a priest, to call people to a higher standard.

AdamP88, happy to hear you found happiness in your decision even after feeling torn both directions. It is true we need good Catholic husbands and fathers as well.

After thinking on everything I think I will try to incorporate all this into a two-pronged approach, keep those in charge of me informed, but also not be afraid to “stand up for myself” so to speak, being honest and direct, but charitable.

My biggest issue, the trust of celibacy, will just have to come with time and grace of God.

Thanks again to everyone and God Bless you all!