sensitive question

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coralewis

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Hello all, I am new to Catholic Answers Forums. I hope someone can answer my question.
A good friend of mine just recently found out that her mother is cheating on her father (who is also her husband). We both think that if she were to tell her father, their marriage would fall apart, but we also think that her mother would get into some trouble if she continues and we hate to see her leading this double life. (She does not know that we know.) This mother is a Catholic…what should my friend do? Someone please help.
God bless,
coralewis
 
I’m not sure but I’ve always heard/read that in this situation, the person who finds out should go to the cheating person and tell them that they need to tell their spouse, or he/she will tell them. She would then give her Mom a week, or whatever, to tell her husband herself, before she intervened.

It is not good for people to lead a double life (not to mention the adultry part). If the Mother doesn’t come clean and her Father finds out the child knew, that will be another problem on top of the adultry. Hopefully the Mother will not put the child in the horrible position of getting in the middle (not that she isn’t already) and will do the right thing and tell her husband herself.

God Bless,
Nicole
 
I’m not so sure about confessing to the spouse. I agree that the mother needs to be confronted, and should be advised to break off the extra-marital affair, go to confession, and to seek counseling. Telling the marriage partner will only hurt them and break whatever sense of trust that the couple has. Should the mother not break off the relationship, then it may, indeed, be time to tell the father. Counseling, ahead of speaking with the mother, may also be a wise plan.

Let’s all pray on this one.
 
Hmmm…However, I’ve also heard that it is NEVER a good idea to tell someone that their spouse is cheating on them. I am not a psychologist, and can’t speak to the reasons. I think that your friend’s best bet is to consult a professional for advice before telling anyone anything. He/she might consider speaking to a priest first (assuming your friend is a Catholic), as a resource who can really provide guidance through this situation step by step. Please feel free to completely ignore my two cents, though! As admitted, I’m no expert.
 
After reading the subsequent posts, I must add to my post that I do think the child should talk to a Priest or counselor before doing anything. It is not something we can really advise on other than very general ideas because we do not know the people. I also feel that if the Mother did break it off, it would be very good to consider not telling the spouse at all for the reasons the other poster described above.

Hang in there,
Nicole
 
I agree with Pax. The daughter should not have to live with the responsibility of what to do with this information. SHe has every right to confront the mother with the pain her mother has caused her.

Consulting a priest or other adult could also have the added benefit of giving her an ally to accompany her when she talks to her mother. I am sure she could use the support.
 
Agreed, the “child” should talk with a priest.

Agreed, the “child” should talk with the mother on this issue and should have another witness along.

I disagree in general about the spouse not being informed.

The “cheated on spouse” should be informed, preferably by the “cheater”.

Where there is one sin you will find more. The sin of adultery does not happen in a vacuum. There are other sins and issues that will need to be addressed and confessed. If a marriage is to be saved it will need to be rebuilt on a firm foundation. Hiding the truth is not a good start.

On the practical side, the spouse should be informed so they have the information needed to protect their interests and rights both financial and parental.

From a medical point of view the spouse has the right to know about any risk of sexually transmitted disease.

Bill
 
Bill Buck:
From a medical point of view the spouse has the right to know about any risk of sexually transmitted disease.
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I totally agree with this!!

Brandon
 
Hello,

First time to visit the forums and I truly feel for your friend. I find myself in a similar situation. After 25 years, two relatives of mine are on the brink of divorce. I know certain details that my aunt does not and it kills me to feel angry at a man I look to as a father. I will pray for your friend and with God’s help perhaps the parties involved will soon find whatever it is that they once loved about each other.

GOD BLESS
 
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keiki:
Hello,

First time to visit the forums and I truly feel for your friend. I find myself in a similar situation. After 25 years, two relatives of mine are on the brink of divorce. I know certain details that my aunt does not and it kills me to feel angry at a man I look to as a father. I will pray for your friend and with God’s help perhaps the parties involved will soon find whatever it is that they once loved about each other.

GOD BLESS
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