Separated but hopeful

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DHD0575

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Hello,

I’m new to the forum but am here to get some new perspective. I’ve been married for over 10 years to my wife who has been living separately from me over the last year. We have a beautiful 6 year old son who splits time with both of us and is doing the best he can during this transition. I discovered my wife had an affair a year and a half ago and I’ve always attempted to cope with this, offer forgiveness, and attempt to mend my family back. That is my goal and it has not changed.

My wife continues to at least keep in contact with this other person, from the affair relationship, and I’ve asked her several times to stop until we identify what we are doing with our relationship. She has threatened divorce to the point of getting an attorney but not followed through. I happened to run into this other person when I first found out about the affair by chance and I introduced myself as my wife’s husband.

I am thankful that a divorce has not been finalized and I do believe that God is part of our family as we were married in the Catholic Church. My wife was raised Catholic however has been in and out of the faith and is lately finding the Christian faith which is better than none at all (which has happened in the past). I struggle with reasons she gives me about keeping in contact with this person - he can emotionally connect with her. I’m a loving husband, I have a respectable job and provides for my family, and I’m at a loss.

Last year I spoke to a priest to get support and prayers. He was very helpful. Time has passed, I’ve become closer to God on this journey, and I’m working on my self. I again contacted another priest, since my last one was transferred, to discuss this situation.

We discussed spiritual warfare and I believe I am in it. My family is being attacked by this outside person or spirits within him. My wife is paralyzed as to what to do. My son is watching this unfold and its unfair to him. I’ve again started the rosary, recently, on behalf of myself and my family. There are other things I need to do and will including confession.

The piece I struggle with, from suggestion of the priest, is to confront this person who is interfering with my family. He said I have the right to tell him to back off of my family and let us figure things out. I do believe the third person is trying to influence my wife’s thinking and if he wasn’t in the picture, for the last year and a half, my wife would make the right decision to mend things. Again, she is stuck and this is not good for family.

There’s a lot of things on the line with this all but I’m uncertain if confronting this person, again, would be helpful or not. It could make my situation worse. It could make him hardened and more determined. I don’t know what to do. I will continue the rosary, my prayers, and my focus on God. This has been a long road but I am not ready to give up my family over this. Maybe I’m stubborn but I do believe in forgiveness and I strongly value family. I ask for your advice and prayers as I continue to heal through God. Thank you.
 
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I don’t think I would confront the other man. I would continue to be a great dad and continue to be nice and perhaps charming and flirty with your wife, if you can. Lighten up with her. At some point the other man will make a mis-step and she will realize who has her best interests at heart.
Keep doing what you’re doing! For sure we are all in spiritual warfare - - with the evil one. Sounds like your wife is in particular danger, which is endangering you all.
Have you read a book called “divorce-busting”, by any chance? The advice is to remember what attracted you to each other in the first place, lighten up, and realize that when people get divorced, they are just substituting one set of problems, with another set of problems (usually worse, especially when there are children involved).
 
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Thank you for the response. I have not heard of that book but I do believe in the premise you describe. I do realize that problems are temporarily erased through divorce but remain. I’m a counselor, myself, by profession.

I’m currently reading a very good book that is helping me called Spiritual Warfare and the Discernment of Spirits by Dan Burke.

My feelings are not to confront this evil person and although he has not messed up, to my knowledge, up to this point I believe his true motives will show sooner or later. I keep praying for patience and understand that this is, in fact, my cross to carry.
 
When I read your response it sounds like it is almost too good to be true! Keep going for the sake of your son. Prayers and best wishes to you.
 
You are doing a great thing in trying to keep your family together! Stay strong!

You said you are a counselor, which makes me wonder if you’ve done formal marriage counselling with your wife? I know there may be a tendency for someone in your career to think they can go it alone with counselling knowledge, but it may take a third party outside of the two of you to help you out. It’s important for you to establish if your wife is interested in full reconciliation with you (Hopefully she is) and feel free to tell her that that means she would no longer have contact with this other person (if that’s your condition).

I know you think it’s best for your son to see you working things out (and for now it is), but he will not be six forever. At some point, if he sees you holding onto high optimistic hope while his mother is allowed to live without consequence (and still married to you), he’ll see you as less of a hero defending marriage vows, and more of a doormat. He’ll need to learn at some point that adultery is wrong and has relationship-damaging consequences. It doesn’t mean your marriage doesn’t exist, and isn’t valid. YOU don’t have to seek annulment if you want to remain married. You can still be open to reconciliation if she comes to you. It just means that you consider yourself separated, and believe it is almost certainly permanent. You can privately pray for her to return without publicly pleading for her return in front of your son.

I know this seems harsh, and for now, I think you should keep hoping. You are doing everything right, and things may work out, but there does come a point where you just don’t want the hope you feel to pass down to your son, and for him to be clinging to things going back to how they were. I’m just not seeing much evidence in your post that your wife is as interested in fixing the marriage as you. But I hope I am wrong!
 
I’ll add that I agree that you should no confront the other person. Sounds like they may not be initializing all the contact with your wife, and if you put stressors on them, that could make them seem like more of a victim to your wife, which could push her further away from you. Their behavior is wrong, but if you try confronting them instead of letting her do it, that could make things worse.
 
I understand why your priest may have said to confront him, though I understand your reluctance to do so. It may be that he thinks by confronting him, the guy knows it is all out in the open. Until it comes from you, it isn’t real. No one is suggesting you get in his face in the way you normally think of the word “confront,” but at the same time, he should hear from you that no, you are not going to just go away quietly and let him steal your wife away. He is interfering in your lives and he needs to stop.

Your wife is being disrespectful to you by her continued contact with him. There is no reason to continue contact with him. She should cut off contact with him if she is going to be married to you. Threatening divorce while she keeps in contact with him is troubling to me.
 
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DHD0575 said:
There’s a lot of things on the line with this all but I’m uncertain if confronting this person, again, would be helpful or not.
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I doubt if it would be helpful. For you to request no contact is perfectly reasonable. Healing and reconciliation really can’t take place if he’s in the picture. If your wife is unwilling to cut ties, I think you have a clear picture of where her priorities lie. If you haven’t read “Love Must Be Tough” I recommend it.
 
Confronting him is likely to drive them closer together.

Most of the time, women turn to the man who makes them feel desired, cherished, exciting, smart. Men who listen to them. Who tell them that no other woman has ever made them feel like this.

It starts as an emotional connection and then becomes sexual.

I can’t tell you how to fix it, but, it has to start with winning her heart back.
 
Is your wife still having an affair? You said you two live separately, and she insists on staying in touch with the man she had an affair with. Could the affair be ongoing?

I have to disagree with some of the advice you have been given to continue to be a doormat.

Your wife is being extremely disrespectful to you, both by cheating and then again by refusing to cut the other man loose and focus on her marriage and child. Tell the other man directly and firmly you are not going to share your wife with him and remind your wife that her “want” is not the end all be all now that you have a child, and what’s best for him is for mom and dad to reconcile. I think it speaks to your character and devotion to your marriage that you have let this situation go on as long as you have.

I always appreciate it when my husband is blunt with me when I am in the wrong. Your wife and this man are in the wrong. A year and a half is long enough for her to figure it out on her own, time to be blunt.
 
I am so sorry you are going through this,I will keep your family in my prayers.
 
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