Separation and wanting an answer

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Mary19

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I’m feeling so lost for my current situation. I am in a process of separating from my current husband. He and I were unbaptised when we got married. After 2 children I choose to be a Catholic. I was baptised and received in the Church in December 2019. Everything was fine and I thought we might have a second chance to have a better marriage. He is supportive of my choice and would offer to go to church with me and the children. He is not a Christian.

Then I started to feel disconnected with him. I have changed so much for the last couple of months to the point where I am able to identify what needs to be improved within our marriage to make it work. However he is not taking my form of clear communication very well. He has been doing this stone walling mentality to avoid conflicts, every direction and expectations I have expressed becomes a targeting and attacking to him which leads him to shame and being overly defensive. He denies everything I have observed and unwilling to see my point of views which is terribly frustrating to me. I have cried multiple times begging him to receive me as a call for help however he is unwilling to understand my intention as asking to be loved and cared for. As you can imagine I began to curse, screamed and point out everything I have done for the family more than I was willing to partake and the problems continued which leads us into this separation.

I feel lost because I have prayed maybe not as often as I should but I believe a form of prayers can just be as simple as calling out to him for help. I have received nothing. I don’t feel him, I don’t see him showing me what I should do or if he’s still meant for me or I should continue with the separation I have no clue. All I did was continue being nice when the anger’s have ceased, carry on our marriage like nothing have happened (Well that’s how I see it) and continue fighting over the same thing AGAIN and it’s gotten to the point where he is no longer taking me back. He wants out and I will not stop him. But my heart hurts because in this time I don’t feel my God leading me. I’m trapped in my own sins and confusion yet when I call out for help I feel nothing. Previous reconciliation with him I thought was God telling me to reconcile however I begin to doubt because it’s coming back to where it all began and his unwillingness to work it out it’s terribly frustrating and unfair. It’s funny to see me whining here and still feeling confused when at the same times my life has become a mess. What am I meant to do?
 
Dear Mary,
I’m sorry you are gong through this.
Congratulations on coming into the church.
I find your post a little confusing, I don’t really understand what the problem is in your marriage, You mention that your husband avoids conflicts, is defensive, denies your point of view. You are frustrated because he doesn’t communicate well, you don’t feel loved or cared for, you scream, cry, and curse during your arguments.

Often when people are new Christians, they experience blessings from the Lord that help strengthen their faith, but that is not always the case. It seems that you have not, but it doesn’t mean that God is forgetful of you. He cares about you deeply and wants your marriage to be healed.

If your husband is physically or emotionally abusing you, then of course you should separate. But if not, I would encourage you to ask our Lord for the strength to show your husband Christ’s love. That is what we are called to do, not to demand that our spouses care for us to our specifications.

Please consider what separation will do to your children. If there is no abuse involved, please find a marriage counselor, or talk to your priest, and try to heal your marriage.
Many couples go through dificult times, but manage to restore the marriage by working at it.

Praying for an increase of the gifts of the Holy Spirit for you, love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, faith.
God bless.
 
I would suggest marital counseling for your marriage before any separation. It is not fair to children that their parents give up without even trying to fix things. If however your husband refuses to go, you should go by yourself. You can learn skills that will help you handle your situation, and help you see what is the best move for your marriage and your family.
 
“Then I started to feel disconnected with him. I have changed so much for the last couple of months to the point where I am able to identify what needs to be improved within our marriage to make it work. However he is not taking my form of clear communication very well.”

This sounds very much like you’ve been telling him what’s wrong with him. Most people aren’t going to respond very well to this.

“He has been doing this stone walling mentality to avoid conflicts, every direction and expectations I have expressed becomes a targeting and attacking to him which leads him to shame and being overly defensive.”

“Expressing direction and expectations” sounds, again, like you’re telling him what’s wrong with him. No surprise that he doesn’t want to listen to all the ways you think he’s failing. Have you examined yourself and asked him what he thinks you need to work on?

“He denies everything I have observed and unwilling to see my point of views which is terribly frustrating to me.”

Are you trying to understand his point of view?

“I have cried multiple times begging him to receive me as a call for help however he is unwilling to understand my intention as asking to be loved and cared for. As you can imagine I began to curse, screamed and point out everything I have done for the family more than I was willing to partake and the problems continued which leads us into this separation.”

This is not how a mature adult handles relationship difficulties. You are not making it attractive for your husband to want to stay with you.

“I feel lost because I have prayed maybe not as often as I should but I believe a form of prayers can just be as simple as calling out to him for help. I have received nothing. I don’t feel him, I don’t see him showing me what I should do or if he’s still meant for me or I should continue with the separation I have no clue.”

God’s presence is always there. It does not mean that we always feel it; our feelings are not reliable indicators of reality.

“All I did was continue being nice when the anger’s have ceased, carry on our marriage like nothing have happened (Well that’s how I see it) and continue fighting over the same thing AGAIN and it’s gotten to the point where he is no longer taking me back. He wants out and I will not stop him.”

Your post makes it sound like you’ve contributed to a lot of painful and unpleasant drama, whatever faults your husband may have. It is understandable that he doesn’t want to stay with you, but if you are able to learn healthier ways of communicating with him you may have a chance.

“But my heart hurts because in this time I don’t feel my God leading me. I’m trapped in my own sins and confusion yet when I call out for help I feel nothing.”

Ask God to sanctify and strengthen you. Even if you FEEL nothing, He will do it.

“It’s funny to see me whining here and still feeling confused when at the same times my life has become a mess. What am I meant to do?”

This sounds very unhappy. I’m sorry. I think @Irishmom2 has good advice. Know that you cannot control your husband, but you can ask God to give you the fruit of the Spirit, whatever may befall.
 
Was your husband aware that you were unhappy with your marriage before you converted? And was he aware that you saw your conversion as a chance to have a better marriage?

I think you need to remember that you have changed, not him. You criticise him multiple times for not seeing things your way, but you have changed. I think you sound very resentful that he remains the same. He hasn’t changed with you; he can’t see what you see. Neither of you have behaved well in these last few months and both of you need to accept some of the blame for that.

I also agree with @Irishmom2 - have you gone to marriage counseling together? You should certainly go by yourself, at the very least, to help you navigate where you find yourself. Your current ways of communicating with your husband (and vice versa) are not working, and if you want to reconcile, you will need to work though this together.
 
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Prayers.

On top of the excellent advice given by @heidi_storage, I want to remind you that the first year after being received into the Church is a year of spiritual battle that is for many the worst they will encounter. It is so important to be connected to other Catholics during this first year, to be involved in your parish, and now that is rather difficult for you.

Next week, reach out to your parish, your pastor, your Diocese if you need to. Get some counseling! Here are a couple of excellent Catholic resources for you.


https://www.exceptionalmarriage.com/
 
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