Separation

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jean1305

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Please, any insight, advise and prayer. I have been married for 25 years. Honestly for more then 15 years it has been at times extremely difficult for me. Over time my love for my husband has changed due to all we have been through(drug and alcohol abuse, disrespect ect). He has overcome these issues and we have been through counselling and still are not doing well. For him, he thinks that I should be ok now that he has worked on the problems and himself and I wish more than anything it was that easy for me. There is so much tension and pain in our home it has become extremely difficult for me to focus on anything but the tension and pain. I feel that with a separation it may help things settle down so we can, in time, clearly focus on healing our marriage but he disagrees. I cannot get him to understand that I cannot think clearly living like this.

I would appreciate any opinion or even experience in a similar situation. Also, what would the church think of this?

Thank you.
 
I’m in a similar situation. My wife filed for divorce 3 months ago. She claimed because my struggles with addictions. She had originally told me that we need some time apart. She left with our 9 month old daughter. I have since been going to therapy and church and quit my addictions and pray every day. I have changed for the better and have learned how to treat her in the way she deserved. Unfortunately two days ago I found out that she is seeing someone else, for a month now. He is an alcoholic by everyone’s standards in our community and now my wife is going out to bars with him and her friends while our sweet little daughter gets left with her parents most nights. She won’t even allow me to have our daughter while this happens or even overnight ever. It is like the demon lept out of my body and entered hers. I wish and pray everyday that my wife would turn to Christ so we can forgive and reconcile our family but she will not. I know if we would have had Christ in our marriage before all of this happened that we would be a great family right now. I thought we were on our way to everlasting joy as it was. I do realize now my shortcomings and now I am seeing hers. My advice would be to not seperate , the distance that it puts between two people is alarming and it happens lightning quick. If you are both willing, pray together everyday and god will direct you from there. I still keep faith that my wife will “snap out of this” but scientifically her brain is now experiencing a limerance. I believe it is the work of Satan because she does not even look at the ramifications to our daughter. She is too caught up in her own sinful pleasures now. I am now questioning if there were motives long before she filed divorce. I’m guessing there were. She won’t tell me the truth about anything because she is desperately trying to "win " this awful battle of divorce and to not let me have any custody of our daughter. Separation is never a good thing in my opinion. Things only get worse real fast.
 
Sounds hard. I can only recommend mentioning the option to your priest and to your counselor and seeing what they think. As far as Church teaching goes - while such a step should never be taken lightly, the Church does not require that you constantly subject yourself to emotional pain either. But as to whether or not a separation is the best way to end that at this time - hard for an outsider to say.

You say you’ve been through marriage counseling. This seems to imply that you are not currently in counseling - if that is true and since your marriage still has issues, it would probably be a good idea to go in for more. It is good (bordering on miraculous) that your husband has dealt with his addiction issues, but that is analogous to pulling a knife out of a wound. Removing the source of problem does not mean the problem will heal instantaneously, and it’s best to get someone to help oversee it.
 
2 Questions:
  1. Do you still Love him?
  2. Are you happy in the marriage?
It seems like a “no” for #2, but if counseling and sitting down doesn’t help, and you are still in a state of dread or sadness, you should definitely move on. Life is too short to be in a miserable relationship.
 
theCrow said:
2 Questions:
  1. Do you still Love him?
  2. Are you happy in the marriage?
It seems like a “no” for #2, but if counseling and sitting down doesn’t help, and you are still in a state of dread or sadness, you should definitely move on. Life is too short to be in a miserable relationship.
Click to expand...
I’m so glad I’m married to someone who’s not going to leave me because he suddenly doesn’t “love” me anymore.

OP, I hope you two are able to work through this. It sounds like you’ve had a very rocky road; may the future be calmer and happier.
 
Hi and welcome to the forums from another relative newbie!

It sounds like you are in a tough spot in your marriage. It sounds like your husband has not treated you well for some if not all of your marriage, but it sounds you’re saying that he has worked to understand and improve how he treats you. It sounds like he has gotten past his problems, and thinks that things should be right with you as well.

But, here’s the kicker… you are still hurting from all of those years of being treated poorly, right? You’ve had years of living with addiction. That hurt doesn’t go away just because he understands it and works to change the behavior. That hurt will likely get better with time an good treatment. I’d guess that while in therapy you became acutely aware of how much you were hurting, and are probably still reeling from that whole process. And maybe not believing that he has really changed… there is probably a lot going on in your head and heart, right?

Have you been to an AA type program for spouses? I’ve heard that these are very good for helping the spouse process what they’ve been through. It would be important for him to realize that you have a healing process that you need to go through.

Only you can make your decision about this. I think that I would say that if you think that you could work on healing while staying in the house with your husband, that would be the best option. I agree about going to Retrovaille with him; I’ve not been but it’s been recommended many times.

You also might consider going on a retreat for just yourself. Take a weekend, week, or two, whatever you can manage. That time alone to think and pray may likely be just what you need. I’ve seen retreats that offer spiritual guidance too. You might return with a new perspective on your marriage, and new energy and focus.

I will pray for you!

OH! Please don’t think that if you don’t ‘feel’ love for your husband right now that you should leave the marriage. There are many ways to rebuild love in a marriage; choosing to act in a loving way towards your husband is a beautiful gift that you can give him, and will likely build. It is much easier to do this daily if you live under the same roof.

Count your blessings that you have a husband that listened, understands and has made changes!
 
It is difficult for us to understand your exact situation. Did your husband begin the drug and alcohol abuse after you were married? What was your reaction to it? Is it only after he quit the drugs and drinking that you began experiencing tension and pain?

He cannot, and has no right to expect everything to be okay just because he stopped what he used to do.

I think you should consider going for counseling by yourself, and also as someone suggested, to retrouvaille. You cannot give up on a marriage without trying everything to save it first. I am guessing that through all the years your husband was drinking and using drugs, you wished he would stop. So now that he has, it is only right to try and repair your marriage.
 
I can’t tell if you want to separate because you need to regain your sanity after living with an addict; or if you have just lost feelings for your husband.

If it’s the former, then a separation might give you the space to be able to think clearly again. But if it’s the latter, I think the separation is just going to be the first step towards divorce.
 
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