Serious disrespect to parents?

[daeve]

Wait I don’t get the difference between yelling and raising my voice. Aren’t they the same thing? Basically my mom was nagging me about going on the computer (it would be too complicated to explain here I think so I won’t) and I got really annoyed and I raised my voice to tell her to be quiet three times because each time I told her to be quiet she wouldn’t stop and after the third time telling her to be quiet I just gave up and let her go on.

The first sin is in disobeying your mother. She told you to do or not do something and you did that anyway, or intended to do it anyway. Then you yelled at her to be quiet. SHE doesn’t have to be quiet. YOU have to do what she says.

The difference between raising your voice and yelling is the intensity. If you just get a bit louder with maybe a little touch of annoyance in your tone, that’s raising your voice. Yelling is angrier and at least starting to lose control.

 

[juliasmith]

"This was not a “self-esteem” issue. I believed, as she subtly taught me, that having kids would ruin my life.

Would you call that emotional abuse?"

No. I would not call that emotional abuse. My grandmother tried to poison all four of her daughters against marriage and children because she was miserable in her own experience. We pass on the knowledge we gain from our experiences to our children. That is not abuse. It might not be entirely healthy, but it is not abuse. Not in my opinion.
I think ‘emotional abuse’ is a catch all term used by those who were not happy with the way their parents raised them. No one has a perfect life. I think it may be common to blame parents for your unhappiness in youthful years, but eventually you get bitter if you do not grow past it.

I suppose the situation you described could be construed as abuse by the definition of the word.
(from Merriam-Webster’s)1.a corrupt practice or custom2: improper or excessive use or treatment : misuse 3obsolete : a deceitful act : deception4: language that condemns or vilifies usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily5: physical maltreatment
But I don’t see that being an appropriate application. I think the term abuse puts connotations of having been victimized, which, in turn, allows the child to blame a parent for a simple case of unhappiness. In the case of depression, which I struggle with, we are just now learning about this. When I was a child, we knew next to nothing about depression, or how to treat it. People struggled to get through it day by day and coped as best they could with what they knew. It wasn’t intentional abuse. A sin of ignorance, perhaps. But it was not intentional abuse when someone might be struggling to survive depression themselves.
?Not every situation is like that, I know. Some families were actually abusive. Some people will need help getting healing. But, I think the ‘emotional abuse’ crutch is used far too frequently. And we are raising a generation that knows nothing about morality, boundaries, authority, responsibilty, and that it is always someone else’s fault. That’s what I see.
And I think there is at least a tiny amount of responsibilty that must be shouldered by the one who feels they were victimized. I went through this painful realization myself. God showed me that I was the only one who could change the situation and how I felt about it. I had to forgive or bitterness was going to kill me.

 

[juliasmith]

And might I point out, Ruthie, you took the logical step in dealing with the problem. Instead of continuing to blame her and play victim, you took the bull by the horns and worked to forgive what you saw as an abuse against you. That IS the main point I am trying to convey here and not not what my personal opinions about the issue of abuse are or are not.
I’m longwinded. I am sorry. Please forgive me.

 

[Newbie2]

I’m not even really posting responses in here I just want other people to stop posting in here too.

Sorry, dude. This is a forum. You started it.

 

[jmcrae]

Wait I don’t get the difference between yelling and raising my voice. Aren’t they the same thing? Basically my mom was nagging me about going on the computer (it would be too complicated to explain here I think so I won’t) and I got really annoyed and I raised my voice to tell her to be quiet three times because each time I told her to be quiet she wouldn’t stop and after the third time telling her to be quiet I just gave up and let her go on.

This is just mindboggling. She is your mother. You do not tell your mother to “be quiet.” It is just “not done.”

If I had ever done such a thing when I was a kid, I would have had my backside paddled so hard I wouldn’t have been able to sit down for a whole week.

Aside from that, the Commandment tells us to obey our mother and our father. If she was telling you to do something, or not to do something, then your job, as her child, is to do or not do whatever she asks of you. This is not a matter that is up for debate.

 

[francesca_gen]

I’m 39. I’d consider you my generation, not ‘the younger generation’

…

Don’t hold them responsible for you being unhappy. If you have depression, etc. It’s not their fault or yours. It just is. Forgive and move on. You’ll be much better for it.
Our responsibilities are the same toward parents good or bad. ( I do, however draw the line at parents that commit sexual sins or beat their children senseless …and please note I stated beat, not discipline. There is a difference).
You show them respect regardless. You care for them in their old age. You do not speak of them in a bad way publicly, etc. It is the same. Now, as an adult, you don’t have to be buddies, but you do have a responsibility to remain ‘in the family’. God put you there for a reason. It might be hard, but it is what he gave you to work in and through.

Well, they’ve both been deceased for years, so in my case it’s no longer an issue. Nor do I blame them for my depression… but even my oldest sister (she’s 57 and a nurse) is frustrated in retrospect because she tried very hard to get them to me some professional help as a kid and they denied there was a problem. And I am sure their own upbringings did not prepare them for any kind of child who was not quiet and docile – or, in my father’s case (my sisters are his stepdaughters), any child at all.

I do feel bad that I never had the sorts of feelings for my parents that most people do. I did my best to be nice to them, but I’m not sure I managed to “honor” them as perhaps I was required to. I don’t dwell on it anymore, either in blaming myself or in blaming them, but it’s something I have wondered about (and, as I’ve said, mentioned in confession).

However, I do *deeply *disagree with you that “emotional abuse” is a crock. I absolutely believe that a father who stops speaking to his eight-year-old daughter and tells his wife, “She’s your problem,” especially when he was the one who wanted “a child of his own,” has erred gravely, and that growing up in a house with a parent who made it quite clear that I was unacceptable and not worthy of being spoken to did affect me emotionally. I’m afraid we will have to agree to disagree on that point.

Francesca

 

[juliasmith]

“However, I do deeply disagree with you that “emotional abuse” is a crock. I absolutely believe that a father who stops speaking to his eight-year-old daughter and tells his wife, “She’s your problem,” especially when he was the one who wanted “a child of his own,” has erred gravely, and that growing up in a house with a parent who made it quite clear that I was unacceptable and not worthy of being spoken to did affect me emotionally. I’m afraid we will have to agree to disagree on that point.”

Okay, I’ll give you this one. But what I would like for you to grasp is that forgiveness is essential for your spiritual and mental health. Forgiveness is more about our healing than the healing of the other party in a lot, if not most, cases.
That’s why accepting forgiveness is important.It helps you heal. That really is the most important thing not the ‘abuse’.
Even if they are deceased, you may still be harboring resentment and anger. You must let it go.
I’ll be praying for you.

 

[francesca_gen]

“However, I do deeply disagree with you that “emotional abuse” is a crock. I absolutely believe that a father who stops speaking to his eight-year-old daughter and tells his wife, “She’s your problem,” especially when he was the one who wanted “a child of his own,” has erred gravely, and that growing up in a house with a parent who made it quite clear that I was unacceptable and not worthy of being spoken to did affect me emotionally. I’m afraid we will have to agree to disagree on that point.”

Okay, I’ll give you this one. But what I would like for you to grasp is that forgiveness is essential for your spiritual and mental health. Forgiveness is more about our healing than the healing of the other party in a lot, if not most, cases.
That’s why accepting forgiveness is important.It helps you heal. That really is the most important thing not the ‘abuse’.
Even if they are deceased, you may still be harboring resentment and anger. You must let it go.
I’ll be praying for you.

That is true; I do agree with you there. Occasionally it does still rankle (obviously, I guess! ), but I have let go of a lot of the resentment that I had tons of as a younger person.

It’s like the quote “acid corrodes the vessel.” I’m certainly not disagreeing with you on that point at all!

And thank you for your prayers – can certainly use them all round.
Francesca

 

[jmcrae]

Okay, I’ll give you this one. But what I would like for you to grasp is that forgiveness is essential for your spiritual and mental health. Forgiveness is more about our healing than the healing of the other party in a lot, if not most, cases.
That’s why accepting forgiveness is important.It helps you heal. That really is the most important thing not the ‘abuse’.
Even if they are deceased, you may still be harboring resentment and anger. You must let it go.
I’ll be praying for you.

The first step towards forgiveness is to acknowledge that something wrong was done to us. When we can name the wrong that was done, we can then make an intelligent decision to forgive.

Going into denial is not the same thing as forgiveness - and it’s just as unhealthy as whatever it was that was done to us.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think the OP is being abused in any way - his mother seems perfectly normal, to me.