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Reverie
Guest
I understood it that she told her she didn’t want to discuss it any longer in one of her earlier posts.
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Anglewannabe
Guest
Yes this is what I am saying
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Anglewannabe
Guest
Sorry for the confusion. Let me try to explain. This is an issue where I would say ‘i do not want to talk about it’ and when not respected on some occasions I caved and talked about it and then kicked myself for talking about it.
One time we went for coffee and I said to myself ‘Maybe I am being to rigid and should take a risk and open my heart’ I willingly talked about it and felt like 2 cents afterwards. So I made the decision to no longer talk about it. She would not respect my no longer wanting to talk about it, so I felt the need to confront her.
I totally admited to her in the conversation that the one time it was my fault and I had made a mistake and I should not have brought it up. I am NOT denying I made a mistake.
Had the tone of the conversation been more friendly, I wanted to point out that I caved under the influence of being pressured to talk about it and did it. I also would have pointed out that if ever I bring it up again, she would have every reason to confront me and say ‘You are doing it’. But she just did not want to listen to what I had to say and I resepect her boundary
Does that make sense?
Angie
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hsmomforlife
Guest
Simply ask “REALLY!!! Exactly what part of ‘I don’t want to talk about that’ did I not make clear? So, how 'bout them Bears?? Anyone need to have a meeting in the ladies room? Can I go wash someone’s car for them? I think your mom is calling you…” (The ‘Bears’ comment in Chicago is a straight up sign to CHANGE THE SUBJECT!) You can even be very animated and ‘joking’ when you say it…they will get the hint…
You have gotten a lot of good advice and if the ‘nice’ way doesn’t work…just bring up ‘Da Bears!’
You have gotten a lot of good advice and if the ‘nice’ way doesn’t work…just bring up ‘Da Bears!’
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EasterJoy
Guest
OK, then I’d chalk this up to a difference in communication assumptions, rather than that one or the other of you is “one of those types that…”
I can see why you’d think “a good person would want to listen to get to know me and my boundaries…”, but avoid that. Rather, just realize that you and she have very different ideas about how to support a friend. Just accept that her ideas are what they are. Don’t get into whether it ought to be different. Let it be what it is.
If you see her, you can say, “Listen, Sally. I’m not saying you’re a bad person. I hope I didn’t say something that implied that. I’m saying that you give great support if I were different than I am. There are people who want the support you give; I’m not saying you’re a bad friend. I’m saying that what I expect comes out of confiding in someone and what you expect are very different. You give me more than I want, and if the tables were turned, I’d probably have far less than you’d want from me. Rather than trying to make one of us over, let’s just be friends and support each other ways. Even married couples have to do that sometimes, after all, don’t they? That’s OK with me; I hope that’s OK with you.”
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Contra_Mundum_1
Guest
I think you have done what you could with that woman. She got the message but unfortunately got offended. The good thing is that it is off your chest now. You have made yourself clear. If these people bring it up again then you have no obligation to be polite and indulge them. Just don’t go there, don’t respond. You will get used to it.
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Anglewannabe
Guest
I understand what you are saying and agree with it in theory. However, right now, I am SO HURT by the whole thing, I don’t have it in me to say that. I actually don’t even have it in me to be around her. Perhaps with time, I will heal from this and will be able to but until then, I can’t talk about it with her.
Had I never opened my heart it would be easier to do as you suggest. But since I did open my heart and got squashed I am just to hurt to be near her.
Also, if I look back I did try to handle the situation as you suggest. I remember once saying to her ‘I know your intentions to help are genuine, but your comments really don’t help and I would prefer to not talk about it’. That was my polite way of saying ‘you can be really insensitive on this issue don’t go there’. Instead of agreeing leaving it alone and changing the topic, she said ‘So what I am hearing you know I am here to help you just don’t like being helped’
I really think this woman has a mental block where she can’t for one second imagine her help is useless. I think she just takes it personally and tries to argue that she is right. If she had more self-esteem, she would be able to see it is OK to not always be able to help
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