Setting healthy personal boundaries

[Serap]

Part of being an adult is learning to set healthy boundaries. How do you suggest setting healthy boundaries in these situations?

1. Critizing your choices as a parent (e.g.“You shouldn’t emphasize healthy foods so much and just let xxx have some cookies once in a while.” or “You shouldn’t let xxx do that…”
2. Critizing your actions with your husband. (e.g., “You should listen to your husband when he’s talking to you about xxx.”)
3. Crossing boundaries by putting their children ahead of your children and being too harsh (e.g., being stern with your child and gentle with their own while playing with toys). “Xxx, NO! Let my child play with that!” or “You wouldn’t share your toy with xxx yesterday, so today xxx won’t share her toys with you!”

I am working on setting healthy boundaries and would really like (name removed by moderator)ut. This is the type of criticism I have been putting up with. In the past I would say nothing and feel uncomfortable and afraid of rocking the boat.

thanks everyone!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Part of being an adult is learning to set healthy boundaries. How do you suggest setting healthy boundaries in these situations?

1. Critizing your choices as a parent (e.g.“You shouldn’t emphasize healthy foods so much and just let xxx have some cookies once in a while.” or “You shouldn’t let xxx do that…”
2. Critizing your actions with your husband. (e.g., “You should listen to your husband when he’s talking to you about xxx.”)
3. Crossing boundaries by putting their children ahead of your children and being too harsh (e.g., being stern with your child and gentle with their own while playing with toys). “Xxx, NO! Let my child play with that!” or “You wouldn’t share your toy with xxx yesterday, so today xxx won’t share her toys with you!”

I am working on setting healthy boundaries and would really like (name removed by moderator)ut. This is the type of criticism I have been putting up with. In the past I would say nothing and feel uncomfortable and afraid of rocking the boat.

thanks everyone!

It depends upon who these people are. If they are family members, that would be different from just friends or acquaintances. But here’s what I would do in general, especially with family.

1. “You know, you might be right.” End of discussion. They really just want to start an argument and when you drop the rope, they don’t have anything to continue the argument with. But for the very belligerent, who might press the subject, just say, “But that’s what hubby and I have decided makes sense for our family. Now, how about another slice of cake?” (excuse yourself to the kitchen)
2. Ditto. Also, do not share intimate details with that person. Never ask for feedback or advice, or share anything that you don’t wish to be criticized for (i.e., everything).
3. Perhaps minimize time spend with that person. Also, tell her, “Please don’t correct my child. If there is a problem, tell me and I will deal with it.”

Have you got the book “Boundaries” yet?

 

[Serap]

It depends upon who these people are. If they are family members, that would be different from just friends or acquaintances. But here’s what I would do in general, especially with family.

1. “You know, you might be right.” End of discussion. They really just want to start an argument and when you drop the rope, they don’t have anything to continue the argument with. But for the very belligerent, who might press the subject, just say, “But that’s what hubby and I have decided makes sense for our family. Now, how about another slice of cake?” (excuse yourself to the kitchen)
2. Ditto. Also, do not share intimate details with that person. Never ask for feedback or advice, or share anything that you don’t wish to be criticized for (i.e., everything).
3. Perhaps minimize time spend with that person. Also, tell her, “Please don’t correct my child. If there is a problem, tell me and I will deal with it.”

Have you got the book “Boundaries” yet?

Yes it is a family member. I think it’s time for me to read “Boundaries”.

Thanks. I love the “you might be right”. That is excellent.

You think a simple, “Please don’t correct my child.” would not start an argument?

I’ll give you a specific example. My son wouldn’t let his little cousin ride in his toy car. The next day, my SIL bought the same car in pink for her daughter. My son got excited when he saw it and wanted to ride it. My SIL said, “If you won’t let xxx ride in your car, then you can’t ride in xxx’s car!”

I think that is awful and how would I respond to that? I think it’s a terrible way to show a young child how to share.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yes it is a family member. I think it’s time for me to read “Boundaries”.

Thanks. I love the “you might be right”. That is excellent.

You think a simple, “Please don’t correct my child.” would not start an argument?

I’ll give you a specific example. My son wouldn’t let his little cousin ride in his toy car. The next day, my SIL bought the same car in pink for her daughter. My son got excited when he saw it and wanted to ride it. My SIL said, “If you won’t let xxx ride in your car, then you can’t ride in xxx’s car!”

I think that is awful and how would I respond to that? I think it’s a terrible way to show a young child how to share.

In the moment when your son decided not to share with his cousin, you could have stepped in and said, “Let’s let Cousin have a ride now, son.” Whatever the reason your SIL is so competitive with you, you still have to teach your son the right thing to do. He’s just 3, so you’re not going to be able to explain why his Auntie kept him from riding in the car. You can tell him, “You didn’t want to share your car with Cousin, right? So you know that she doesn’t want to share hers with you. But even if we don’t WANT to share, we have to do it anyway.”

No matter what, you’ve got to teach your little guy to do the right thing, not necessarily his first choice.

 

[Serap]

In the moment when your son decided not to share with his cousin, you could have stepped in and said, “Let’s let Cousin have a ride now, son.” Whatever the reason your SIL is so competitive with you, you still have to teach your son the right thing to do. He’s just 3, so you’re not going to be able to explain why his Auntie kept him from riding in the car. You can tell him, “You didn’t want to share your car with Cousin, right? So you know that she doesn’t want to share hers with you. But even if we don’t WANT to share, we have to do it anyway.”

No matter what, you’ve got to teach your little guy to do the right thing, not necessarily his first choice.

I did do that. I made my son get out and give his cousin a ride and then my son began having a temper tantrum and then my SIL took her daughter out of the car.

How should I have addressed the situation do you think?

 

[Regina_Love]

Don’t beat yourself up about this. Sometimes in the momment, it’s hard to think of a good way to respond. Especially when others take over.

Was he too tired, or hungry to behave well, at the time? I would not have let him get into the car until he alowed his cousin to have a turn w/o pitching a fit. I may have put him in time out, until he regained his cool. Never reward a fit,** by giving in to their demands. If it works they will use it, all the time, with zeal!**

When my kids were toddlers I often said, “You must be too tired to use your good manners. I guess it’s time for you to go to bed.” If he repents & shapes up, great! If not just put him to bed. They can tantrum in bed, instead of with the family. They usually awake with a much improved dispostion. Also, they learn if they want the privilege of being with family & friends they need to use good manners!

When my little kids flipped out I would say, “I can’t hear you till you use your big boy manners.” I never gave them what they wanted till they demonstrated good manners! At 3 years old you will need to demonstrate how a big boy would make a polite request in a calm respectful voice. “May I please have another cookie.” “Cindy took my toy. May I please have it back?” If he is new to talking it may be more simple, “Please toy back?” then I might say, “Yes! You may have your toy back, as soon as Cindy has her turn. Where is your ball? Let’s play with that.” He can pick up the “asking politely skill” in a few weeks, if you are consistent.

 

[Chantal25]

I would say:

“Thanks but if i need your advice, i will let you know.”

I know this sound harsh, but this person need to back up and she will get the message.

Of course prayer and prayer. When i don’t pray before anything, i can see the difference compare from what i prayed. It is always peaceful normally.

All the best!

p.s #3 Is a awful situation. Oh mye, …You will need to pray and share your feeling about this with this person. This doesn’t represent you believe and faith, clearly. What kind of teaching is this for a child? My heart goes with you, i am so sorry about this. I pray that you find the best solution soon. Perhaps, tell her, if you have any issue with my child, please address it to me in private, other wise, i am the mother and i am the only one allowed to discipline.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Don’t beat yourself up about this. Sometimes in the momment, it’s hard to think of a good way to respond. Especially when others take over.

Was he too tired, or hungry to behave well, at the time? I would not have let him get into the car until he alowed his cousin to have a turn w/o pitching a fit. I may have put him in time out, until he regained his cool. Never reward a fit,** by giving in to their demands. If it works they will use it, all the time, with zeal!**

When my kids were toddlers I often said, “You must be too tired to use your good manners. I guess it’s time for you to go to bed.” If he repents & shapes up, great! If not just put him to bed. They can tantrum in bed, instead of with the family. They usually awake with a much improved dispostion. Also, they learn if they want the privilege of being with family & friends they need to use good manners!

When my little kids flipped out I would say, **“I can’t hear you till you use your big boy **manners.” I never gave them what they wanted till they demonstrated good manners! At 3 years old you will need to demonstrate how a big boy would make a polite request in a calm respectful voice. “May I please have another cookie.” “Cindy took my toy. May I please have it back?” If he is new to talking it may be more simple, “Please toy back?” then I might say, “Yes! You may have your toy back, as soon as Cindy has her turn. Where is your ball? Let’s play with that.” He can pick up the “asking politely skill” in a few weeks, if you are consistent.

This, Serap. If your son had a conniption about the car being shared by his cousin, that needs addressing. NO MATTER WHAT the other child does or doesn’t do, you can’t play it tit for tat like your SIL did. She showed you how not to do it.

I forgot to ask how old the cousin is. And, he’s a little bro, and probably gets sick and tired of having to share with his sister, but he STILL has to do it. These are the lessons that need repeating, over and over again, while they are young. It gets easier as they grow up a little and you can actually discuss more specifics with them.

Do play-act with him, and pretend to be the bratty kid that doesn’t want to share. It’s fun, and does get the message across.

 

[Serap]

This, Serap. If your son had a conniption about the car being shared by his cousin, that needs addressing. NO MATTER WHAT the other child does or doesn’t do, you can’t play it tit for tat like your SIL did. She showed you how not to do it.

I forgot to ask how old the cousin is. And, he’s a little bro, and probably gets sick and tired of having to share with his sister, but he STILL has to do it. These are the lessons that need repeating, over and over again, while they are young. It gets easier as they grow up a little and you can actually discuss more specifics with them.

Do play-act with him, and pretend to be the bratty kid that doesn’t want to share. It’s fun, and does get the message across.

At the time of this event, my son was 2 years and 10 months old. I did not let him go back into his car after my SIL took out her daughter. I put the car away and said, “No more car.” We were not doing time outs at that time b/c our pediatrician advised us to stop for a while.

I just couldnt’ believe what I saw when my SIL wouldn’t let my son in is cousin’s car the next day. What could I have said to stand up for my son and set a boundary? My kids also need to see that I’m setting boundaries for their sake too.

 

[Regina_Love]

Part of being an adult is learning to set healthy boundaries. How do you suggest setting healthy boundaries in these situations?

1. Critizing your choices as a parent (e.g.“You shouldn’t emphasize healthy foods so much and just let xxx have some cookies once in a while.” or “You shouldn’t let xxx do that…”
2. Critizing your actions with your husband. (e.g., “You should listen to your husband when he’s talking to you about xxx.”)
3. Crossing boundaries by putting their children ahead of your children and being too harsh (e.g., being stern with your child and gentle with their own while playing with toys). “Xxx, NO! Let my child play with that!” or “You wouldn’t share your toy with xxx yesterday, so today xxx won’t share her toys with you!”

I am working on setting healthy boundaries and would really like (name removed by moderator)ut. This is the type of criticism I have been putting up with. In the past I would say nothing and feel uncomfortable and afraid of rocking the boat.

thanks everyone!

I feel your pain. I’ve been there, and done that too. Over time as I matured, and grew in confidence I sometimes chose to speak up.

I would listen to each criticisim, and respond accordingly. “I am teaching him to enjoy healthy foods, instead of craving sugary sweets all the time.” If she continues to disagree with me, I’d probably shrug. You are entitled to your opinion, and free to make your own decisions, even when others disagree.

Another example would be; “I listen to my husband, his thoughts are important to me. Some times he doesn’t have all the facts about a situation, if he didn’t see it happen. We discuss things, and work it out together.” She may think you husband agrees with her, when in reality he is just trying to get her to leave him alone.

If she was harsh with my child, I would probably say, “That sounded a little harsh. I know he can be frustrating, but could you please speak more kindly to him?” Yes, she will probably go off on you. Oh, well. You cannot control her reactions, but you have the right to make a calm, polite request. She’ll probably go off on tangents…(are you accusing me? somebody’s got to put him in his place, well if you’d just make him blah blah blah…) Bring her back to the point. Just calmly, politely, gently repeat yourself. “Could you please speak more kindly to him?” If you stay calm, and be polite, you will have a clean consceince. She may choose to be offended. She may leave in a huff. Honestly, if she is that judgemental it may be a good idea to spend less time together. She may react very negatively at first, but later realize she could be nicer. She may never admit it to you. Give it time to work out.

If I felt she was trying to “programe me”, I’d say something like, “God has entrusted Sam to me, and my husband. We will choose how to raise him.” After all, you know your son better than any one else!

She is most likely a controling person, so a lot of her criticisims may have nothing to do with you, and your parenting. She just might have a compulsion to “feel in control” to reduce her own anxiety.

God Bless you! Happy Parenting!

 

[Regina_Love]

At the time of this event, my son was 2 years and 10 months old. I did not let him go back into his car after my SIL took out her daughter. I put the car away and said, “No more car.” We were not doing time outs at that time b/c our pediatrician advised us to stop for a while.

I just couldnt’ believe what I saw when my SIL wouldn’t let my son in is cousin’s car the next day. What could I have said to stand up for my son and set a boundary? My kids also need to see that I’m setting boundaries for their sake too.

Unfortunately her house, usually means her rules. I probably would have gotten down to my sons level and said, “Oh oh, You didn’t share your car yesterday, so you can’t ride this one. (probably too advanced a concept for him to grasp fully) Do you wish xxxx would share her car with you? That is how it feels when kids don’t share. It feels sad. Are you going to be a good boy and share? Good! I’m proud of you!” Followed by a big hug for him. I might turn to SIL and say “I came over to have fun. Perhaps another time would be better?” and prepare to leave. She may back peddle, and ask you to stay. It’s up to you. You could leave, and let her feel uncomfortable with how it played out.

I would be miffed at how SIL chose to punish him, but I would have tried to turn it into a teaching momment. Every time our kids feel hurt emotionally we can point out that is how it feels when people don’t use their good manners. It teaches empathy, and reinforces how important kindness is.

Does she have the right to punish your son? No. Did she do it? Yep. To help myself get over the frustration, I would probably focus on the truth that every choice your son makes will have consequences in the world. Others choices will affect him. In ten years will this one experience matter? no

On a scale of 1-10. Some mild mannered kids need to be parented at a level 2, while others need a level 9. Does she by chance have a very compliant older little girl? She may be judging your healthy boy, by a warped standard. Some people think their child is a little darling because they are such GREAT parents. When in reality, they aren’t great parents they just have an easy going kid. Others are in complete denial about their child’s behavior.

I find it curious that your pediatrition discouraged time outs?

 

[Regina_Love]

At the time of this event, my son was 2 years and 10 months old. I did not let him go back into his car after my SIL took out her daughter. I put the car away and said, “No more car.” We were not doing time outs at that time b/c our pediatrician advised us to stop for a while.

I just couldnt’ believe what I saw when my SIL wouldn’t let my son in is cousin’s car the next day. What could I have said to stand up for my son and set a boundary? My kids also need to see that I’m setting boundaries for their sake too.

I like the way you handled the car situation. If you fight over it you loose it! Works for me! You are a good Mom! He is blessed to have you!

 

[Serap]

I find it curious that your pediatrition discouraged time outs?

This was when he was 2 years old and it was failing miserably. His pediatrician gave us another discipline method that worked really well.

We do time outs now though.

Thanks!

 

[Regina_Love]

This was when he was 2 years old and it was failing miserably. His pediatrician gave us another discipline method that worked really well.

We do time outs now though.

Thanks!

Good for you! Some times parents have to experiment to find the key to teaching something to their child. Just when you get them figured out, they grow & change! Enjoy the fun & wild ride!

May God Bless your family

 

[Serap]

Good for you! Some times parents have to experiment to find the key to teaching something to their child. Just when you get them figured out, they grow & change! Enjoy the fun & wild ride!

May God Bless your family

Thanks Regina! It is a wild ride for sure! They are so amazing.

My daughter read 5 pages to me the other night and I praised her and praised her and told her how proud I am of her! It was a level 1 pre-school book, but who cares! She CAN READ!!! Whoop!

 

[Regina_Love]

Thanks Regina! It is a wild ride for sure! They are so amazing.

My daughter read 5 pages to me the other night and I praised her and praised her and told her how proud I am of her! It was a level 1 pre-school book, but who cares! She CAN READ!!! Whoop!

Awe, I miss those days… My “baby” just turned 18! He is still, funny, chatty, and full of smiles. We managed to keep him alive despite his constant attraction to dare devil activities, and sports. Ha! Can’t wait for camping season to begin!