S
Stavros
Guest
First, let me give you a brief version of my mass experience today. I got to mass at 8:40a, already having severe panic attacks. Right after mass started, the usher asked me to scoot into the row so a family could sit on the same pew. That triggered an even worse panic attack and I didn’t even make it past the Gloria at the 9a mass. I went outside and I’m pretty sure I freaked out the ushers as I sat and tried not to cry too much. As soon as the 9a mass let out, I scoped out a primo seat close to the front for the 11:30a mass and used the time to pray and calm down, which was really helping matters. At 11:20, Old Coughing Guy sat right behind me. I get very sensitive about noise (very similar to little Therese, which oddly enough comforts me greatly) and it drove me so crazy I had to move to the back row. The usher was blocking the path between me and the door, so that “trapped” feeling kicked in, and I got so anxious I sat there with tears in my eyes during the entire homily and barely made it to the Credo before I bolted outside for some air. When I went to go sit back down after 5 minutes, the lady who was sitting beside me had scooted to where I was sitting, so I had nowhere to sit. I snuck into the back-back row (kneelers and folding chairs), but couldn’t physically make it past the consecration as I have a hard time kneeling in the kneelers without having a pew to support myself. So I ended up sitting in the foyer for most of the Mass of the Faithful. I snuck in for communion, then spent the rest of the time out on the foyer, and bolted as soon as the priest was done.
Now, if you add up the time I spent in both masses, it was pretty close to a full mass. Not sure how close, but pretty close. I’m pretty sure I fulfilled my Sunday obligation. Right?
In the bigger scheme of things, I have a pretty bad anxiety problem, and any advice is welcome. Just thinking about going to church is giving me anxiety right now, as I type this. My fear of priests, or more specifically one of the priests in my parish, has come back after months of remission (for lack of a better term). I’m okay when he’s In Persona Christi on the other side of the altar rail, but I completely turn tail and bolt when I see him outside of mass. And as a daily masser, I see him quite often, especially on Saturdays when I’m helping with the altar society. While I don’t normally have problems with daily mass, just the thought of having to set foot in the church and face him is making my Fight or Flight response kick in. Father really is the sweetest, kindest priest I’ve ever met, and he knows about my anxiety so he goes out of his way to be kind to me which makes things even worse.
My anxiety is nothing new. When I was Mormon, I would wait out most “Sacrament Meetings” (kind of like the main sacrament/homily meeting) in the foyer on the comfy couches with all the screaming kids. I just don’t do well with crowds, or with a situation where I feel like my “exit” is blocked. That’s why I went from anxious to full-blown panic in the 9a mass - my “exit” was blocked, and as soon as everyone stood up, I used the opportunity to bolt and did not even attempt to come back. At the 11:30a mass, both the crowds and the usher blocking the exit route made the mass a huge experience of suffering.
There is nowhere “safe” to experience mass in my current parish on Sundays. I went to this parish a long time ago and stopped going, even though I absolutely loved the priest and parishioners, because the crowds were so intense that I simply could not bear to be there. It’s a TLM FSSP parish, and as the time approaches for the OF mass changes and the good word spreads about our amazing priests, the pews are getting fuller and fuller. This problem is not going to get better, it’s only going to get worse. The priest knows of my anxiety, but truth be told, there’s not much he can do to help things that he hasn’t already done. There’s really nothing I can do but either suck it up or go to another parish.
I don’t even know what question I’m asking, really. I want to keep going to this parish, as I’ve grown more spiritually in the past few months than I have since I was baptized, and I’ve made many good friends. But I can’t go running outside and crying on benches every time someone gets in my personal space, especially when it’s 100 degrees by noon. My past experience with anti-anxiety medication met with disastrous consequences, so Xanax is not an option. I just feel so heartbroken that I may have to go back to my old parish, where after 5 years I know no one, just so that I can sit through Sunday mass without crying from anxiety.
Now, if you add up the time I spent in both masses, it was pretty close to a full mass. Not sure how close, but pretty close. I’m pretty sure I fulfilled my Sunday obligation. Right?
In the bigger scheme of things, I have a pretty bad anxiety problem, and any advice is welcome. Just thinking about going to church is giving me anxiety right now, as I type this. My fear of priests, or more specifically one of the priests in my parish, has come back after months of remission (for lack of a better term). I’m okay when he’s In Persona Christi on the other side of the altar rail, but I completely turn tail and bolt when I see him outside of mass. And as a daily masser, I see him quite often, especially on Saturdays when I’m helping with the altar society. While I don’t normally have problems with daily mass, just the thought of having to set foot in the church and face him is making my Fight or Flight response kick in. Father really is the sweetest, kindest priest I’ve ever met, and he knows about my anxiety so he goes out of his way to be kind to me which makes things even worse.
My anxiety is nothing new. When I was Mormon, I would wait out most “Sacrament Meetings” (kind of like the main sacrament/homily meeting) in the foyer on the comfy couches with all the screaming kids. I just don’t do well with crowds, or with a situation where I feel like my “exit” is blocked. That’s why I went from anxious to full-blown panic in the 9a mass - my “exit” was blocked, and as soon as everyone stood up, I used the opportunity to bolt and did not even attempt to come back. At the 11:30a mass, both the crowds and the usher blocking the exit route made the mass a huge experience of suffering.
There is nowhere “safe” to experience mass in my current parish on Sundays. I went to this parish a long time ago and stopped going, even though I absolutely loved the priest and parishioners, because the crowds were so intense that I simply could not bear to be there. It’s a TLM FSSP parish, and as the time approaches for the OF mass changes and the good word spreads about our amazing priests, the pews are getting fuller and fuller. This problem is not going to get better, it’s only going to get worse. The priest knows of my anxiety, but truth be told, there’s not much he can do to help things that he hasn’t already done. There’s really nothing I can do but either suck it up or go to another parish.
I don’t even know what question I’m asking, really. I want to keep going to this parish, as I’ve grown more spiritually in the past few months than I have since I was baptized, and I’ve made many good friends. But I can’t go running outside and crying on benches every time someone gets in my personal space, especially when it’s 100 degrees by noon. My past experience with anti-anxiety medication met with disastrous consequences, so Xanax is not an option. I just feel so heartbroken that I may have to go back to my old parish, where after 5 years I know no one, just so that I can sit through Sunday mass without crying from anxiety.
With the OF? That is just a suggestion.
Great advice Puzzleannie.