Sex Drive Differences in Spouses

[guiltycatholic]

My new husband has a sex drive that’s much lower than mine. We got married about two months ago and waited until marriage to have sex with each other (although we had each had sex with others before our conversions). We are both practicing Catholics, in our 20’s, attractive, and healthy.

I am aroused daily by everyday aspects of living together. When I try to initiate sex, he turns me away almost every time. He has a million excuses - he’s either tired, or doesn’t feel well, or busy, or didn’t know I was interested, or whatever. Since day one of being married – despite what’s called the “honeymoon phase” – he initiates sex less than once a week. I’m worried that it will become even less frequent as time goes by. I’m also disappointed because we want to conceive a child, but my husband’s lack of interest in sex has limited us, so far, to times of infertility.

The infrequency of sex in our relationship also makes him less able to satisfy me when we do have sex. One time, thinking I was being too aggressive, I decided to wait for him to approach me, as long as it took. I waited for over a week before I gave up and initiated it myself. Well, the whole process was over in about 5 minutes and my husband said he couldn’t help it because it had been a while and that made him too sensitive. So there are times that, when we have sex, it leaves me wanting even more, while he’s satisfied and ready to wait another week. I feel guilty for wanting to have sex so often, like it shouldn’t matter so much to me.

It’s starting to feel like sex is just for him, like I’m just supposed to turn off completely except when he wants me. Sometimes he wants to have sex when I’m not in the mood, but I GET in the mood because if I don’t, I’ll miss the opportunity.

Just to rule out comments about porn or masturbation, neither one of us has an addiction or uses these things.

I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. I’m a thin person, I’m clean, I wear lingerie sometimes. I have asked him if there is any problem or something I could do differently; he insists that he DOES want me, but is simply not in the mood for sex when I want it. We have had numerous discussions in which I told him that this causes feelings of rejection, lonliness, anxiety, and guilt in me. He told me I should ignore my negative feelings because they are the problem. I don’t feel it is right for either of us to ignore my feelings and I resent being told my feelings are less important than his.

The idea of masturbation keeps coming to my mind, and Lord knows that our society just encourages it, but it’s not hard to see that it doesn’t satisfy - I don’t want to just “get off.”

I see comments in other threads about how married love is giving, not taking. I am disappointed and angry because I thought that in a marriage, BOTH people were supposed to sacrifice for each other. Why is it that I have to conform totally to his preference? Why can’t he sometimes make the sacrifice to have sex with me, like I have to make the sacrifice to wait for him?

I want to be a submissive, loving wife, and I don’t want to dominate my husband or make him feel uncomfortable. And even if I did “make” him have sex with me, that’s not really what I’m after, here. I want him to want me. But I feel so hurt, alone, rejected, and distant from the man I married. I feel excluded from our sex life. It is starting to have very serious negative effects on my self esteem and the non-sexual intimacy between me and my new husband.

I think maybe because I experienced the pleasures of sex before marriage, that now I am being denied them within marriage as a punishment.

 

[underacloud]

I’m also disappointed because we want to conceive a child, but my husband’s lack of interest in sex has limited us, so far, to times of infertility.

I feel for you; it sounds like a very frustrating situation.

Are you sure that your husband wants/is ready for a child? It may be that he doesn’t want a child now and thus his desire for sex is clouded with the stress of potentially becoming a father when he is not yet ready. Perhaps try to have an honest conversation about this, allowing him to feel safe to express his true feelings. Remember, men typically don’t like talking about being “afraid” or “stressed”, so the topic needs to be approached in a subtle, but none-the-less open, manner. It may not be an issue, but at the very least you can then rule it out.

 

[onmyknees]

Can you lovingly ask him if he could bring you to climax after he finishes so quickly? That is what I would do. When I was first married and very young,( we were both 18 my dh used to do the same thing. He would finish and not want to help me. I would get so frustrated and upset. It took a few years and then he started to get it. I am sorry that you are having this problem. This is a difficult situation. Could he be afraid to tell you the real reason that he only wants to be intimate so infrequently? When I was away from the Church I had a real addiction to masturbation and it did affect our marriage. I am not saying that is what he does but it was just a thought.

 

[rapunzel77]

I’m sorry that you are going through such a difficult time with your husband. Maybe he needs to get checked out at a doctor. There could be something physically wrong or there could be a psychological reason why. I hope things get better for you. Continue to talk to him. Your negative feelings are not a problem and I definitely would not ignore them like he tells you to. God bless you.

 

[Shredderbeam]

My new husband has a sex drive that’s much lower than mine. We got married about two months ago and waited until marriage to have sex with each other (although we had each had sex with others before our conversions). We are both practicing Catholics, in our 20’s, attractive, and healthy.

I am aroused daily by everyday aspects of living together. When I try to initiate sex, he turns me away almost every time. He has a million excuses - he’s either tired, or doesn’t feel well, or busy, or didn’t know I was interested, or whatever. Since day one of being married – despite what’s called the “honeymoon phase” – he initiates sex less than once a week. I’m worried that it will become even less frequent as time goes by. I’m also disappointed because we want to conceive a child, but my husband’s lack of interest in sex has limited us, so far, to times of infertility.

The infrequency of sex in our relationship also makes him less able to satisfy me when we do have sex. One time, thinking I was being too aggressive, I decided to wait for him to approach me, as long as it took. I waited for over a week before I gave up and initiated it myself. Well, the whole process was over in about 5 minutes and my husband said he couldn’t help it because it had been a while and that made him too sensitive. So there are times that, when we have sex, it leaves me wanting even more, while he’s satisfied and ready to wait another week. I feel guilty for wanting to have sex so often, like it shouldn’t matter so much to me.

It’s starting to feel like sex is just for him, like I’m just supposed to turn off completely except when he wants me. Sometimes he wants to have sex when I’m not in the mood, but I GET in the mood because if I don’t, I’ll miss the opportunity.

Just to rule out comments about porn or masturbation, neither one of us has an addiction or uses these things.

I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. I’m a thin person, I’m clean, I wear lingerie sometimes. I have asked him if there is any problem or something I could do differently; he insists that he DOES want me, but is simply not in the mood for sex when I want it. We have had numerous discussions in which I told him that this causes feelings of rejection, lonliness, anxiety, and guilt in me. He told me I should ignore my negative feelings because they are the problem. I don’t feel it is right for either of us to ignore my feelings and I resent being told my feelings are less important than his.

The idea of masturbation keeps coming to my mind, and Lord knows that our society just encourages it, but it’s not hard to see that it doesn’t satisfy - I don’t want to just “get off.”

I see comments in other threads about how married love is giving, not taking. I am disappointed and angry because I thought that in a marriage, BOTH people were supposed to sacrifice for each other. Why is it that I have to conform totally to his preference? Why can’t he sometimes make the sacrifice to have sex with me, like I have to make the sacrifice to wait for him?

I want to be a submissive, loving wife, and I don’t want to dominate my husband or make him feel uncomfortable. And even if I did “make” him have sex with me, that’s not really what I’m after, here. I want him to want me. But I feel so hurt, alone, rejected, and distant from the man I married. I feel excluded from our sex life. It is starting to have very serious negative effects on my self esteem and the non-sexual intimacy between me and my new husband.

I think maybe because I experienced the pleasures of sex before marriage, that now I am being denied them within marriage as a punishment.

Hi guiltycatholic,

Don’t overlook the medical point of view. Does your husband have a healthy varied diet? Does he exercise an appropriate amount? Does he have a high level of stress, perhaps with work? Is he on medications that might affect his libido (certain antidepressants, ADHD drugs, etc.)? Perhaps he should see a doctor, just in case.

It may also be the case that your husband has a naturally low sex drive. If so, try to “spice things up” with him. I don’t mean to be inappropriate, but a little variety does everyone a world of good.

The best of luck to you.

 

[partypilot1]

Try to recognize his subtle advances (i.e. hand on your leg, kiss on the back of your neck) and reassure him with non-verbal communication (i.e. place your hand on his shoulder, open your body to his, etc) be watching for them at times you wouldn’t expect (morning or late at night). Once he gets the (non-verbal) feedback that he needs from you, the problem will be solved… The ejaculation issue will be solved by this as well. There are psychological and physiological issues at play but both will be worked out when he is able to initiate, get the feedback, and follow through.
Look at it like your first dance, at your wedding. Let him lead, give him the reassurance he needs and his confidence will fix the issue.
Do you guys have any other communication problems?

 

[francisca]

I’m also disappointed because we want to conceive a child, but my husband’s lack of interest in sex has limited us, so far, to times of infertility.

Maybe your husband and you are different in planning regarding a child. You may push it too hard because of this motive (to conceive), but your husband not really “in a hurry” regarding a child.

As long as I remember there was no time in my life that I was aroused daily. That is very frequent for a woman and even for some men. This is the case maybe because you really really want a child to begin with. But then the rejection complicate the situation makes you even more anxious about the whole matters. Your husband also begin to feel “pressured” so he move toward the opposite direction in resistance. You must know that man have limitation : they can’t do it when they can’t. Woman can always do it. But in normal cases usually man get aroused more frequent than woman.

Some women I know who are “anxious” to conceive, they put too much pressure on themselves and their spouses to the point that sex become “time to perform honey”.

Well, the whole process was over in about 5 minutes and my husband said he couldn’t help it because it had been a while and that made him too sensitive. So there are times that, when we have sex, it leaves me wanting even more, while he’s satisfied and ready to wait another week. I feel guilty for wanting to have sex so often, like it shouldn’t matter so much to me.

Please don’t feel guilty.

You just need your husband to love you first, to hug you and kiss you more until you feel ready. If you are not in the mood, do not force yourself. Don’t just do it. It requires more than “mere technical works”. Tell your husband what you want him to do before he goes to the “main topic”. The whole setting must be relax and romantic for you. Man doesn’t need romance for sex, but woman do need it. You may not realize this aspect, romance in the relationship help women to feel satisfy with sex.

If you are not in the mood, reject him. Let him try another time.

I think maybe because I experienced the pleasures of sex before marriage, that now I am being denied them within marriage as a punishment.

No don’t think this way. The moment you receive sacrament of marriage, God only see your husband as your only partner from then on.

 

[guiltycatholic]

Thanks, everyone, for your attention to this and for answering me. I’ve been praying a lot about this, and I know some of you must have been praying too because I have results!

Someone asked if we have other communication problems. Yes - miscommunications start so many needless arguments between us. So I’ve started a campaign to force myself to communicate more openly and directly with my husband, even on uncomfortable topics.

So I took y’all’s brilliant suggestion and brought up readiness for a child with my husband – and I discovered something! We each had a chance to discuss what we think makes someone “ready” for a child, and I realized that I was the one who’s afraid to have a baby! He felt that having a child would bring us closer together, and I’ve been afraid that it would force us apart even more. Like, we’d each have to work more to afford expenses, or he would ignore me and only pay attention to the baby, etc. This was making it harder for me to express my desire for intimacy with him and harder for me to respond to him when he made advances. A chance for intimacy was a chance for conception, and conception would mean alienation. So in a strange way, it was like we were being distanced through sex. I was very reluctant to admit how I felt about having a baby. I didn’t even realize I had these hesitant feelings until we talked about it. I felt bad about it, but once I said it out loud and told my husband honestly how I felt, the fear seemed to go away. I know it will change things, but now I feel like my husband will be here with me to help me through it, not turn against me. I don’t know why I thought he would in the first place.

I thought I wanted sex more often, but I never really felt “in the mood” for sex. I didn’t feel my husband really wanted to be with me or enjoyed the time he spent with me outside the bedroom, much less inside it. I was thinking more about what I read in another thread on this forum, how sex isn’t about being “in the mood” but rather about giving yourself for your spouse. I thought at first that this meant I should “fake it” when I wasn’t in the mood, but I felt how much this isolated me and and how inept it made him feel, and I knew that was wrong. I realized it’s not more sex I want, it’s more intimacy.

I told my husband that I crave intimacy with him, and what that means to me is time spent together where we WANT to be together, not just when we HAVE to be together. He struggled with this idea at first because he kept thinking that his thoughts and intentions were enough to satisfy that need - he thought about me all day and wished he could be with me - whereas I wanted outward actions - to literally spend time together. When he realized this, he arranged for us to spend the day together that day. We had time spent talking and sharing our feelings, and time spent focused on other things together. He made every effort to be present to me during this time. It was wonderful and I felt so close to him! I felt totally fulfilled and had no hesitations in expressing intimacy with him. He was happy he could fulfill me, which made him very attracted to me, and we both wanted to make love! Now, my need for intimacy is being satisfied so I’m relaxed and approachable, and he feels confident that he can satisfy me so he approaches me, which results in a lot of good sex! It was like a miracle! In case anyone’s interested, the book “The Five Love Langauges” is helpful in determining what specifically satisfies your craving for intimacy.

We’ve also been talking more openly about sex. I’m not a prude or anything, I’m just still a little shy about sex. But again, there was so much relief in simply saying things out load and honestly. After talking, we both feel free to express when we want sex and when we don’t. He had been afraid to let me know when he wanted sex because I seemed dissatisfied by my time with him in and out of the bedroom, like it was never enough. I’d been afraid to let him know when I didn’t want sex because I felt distant from him, reducing sex to a physical release, and I feared that conception would distance us more. It gave the appearance of the opposite problem, which mystifies me a little bit. We’ve also started talking about what our personal boundaries are within sex. Now it feels more like we know what the other is ok with, which gives us freedom to satisfy each other, and we both feel more secure knowing there’s things we aren’t going to try to do to each other in a misguided effort to please each other.

We still have a lot of open communicating to do, so good thing sex is an interesting topic! I ordered that book, Holy Sex, because I read about it on this site and I think it might help me. It feels like we’ve come a long way, and I’m excited about what we will continue to learn about each other in this marriage. Thank you for your guidance and prayers!

 

[wild_thing]

I am so glad things are going better for you! Praise God. I am glad you are going to read 'Holy Sex" by Dr. Popchak…I was just going to add that a really good book that we were given during our marriage prep was “The Five Love Languages.” I thought of it as soon as I read your post. Good luck, and I’ll keep you in my prayers.

 

[francisca]

I’m happy that you now feel better, and that you two have a better communication.

I think your open-ness and honesty is very prescious, please continue believe in it. Good relationship is always based on trust and honesty and respect. Do not worry about having a child. A child is a lot of work, but it will not separate husband and wife. In fact the opposite. You two decide when you are ready for it, then involve your hubby since pregnancy, delivery, and after and so on. Do not try to carry burden of parenting yourself so that two of you become closer in the teamwork. Have fun in your newly-wed days and on.

God bless you.