Sex during The Golden Years

[shipwrkd]

My wife of 41 years and I have aged quite differently when it comes to sex. I still enjoy and am attracted to the woman I married immensely, but we reach arousal at quite different times. That said, we’ve established a “date night” and for her to “have any fun” she has to start early, without me. Is this sinful if we finish with tab A in slot B? Also, is it sinful to start things, knowing beforehand that in all likelihood, I won’t finish. Because of dryness, medication and some misinformation given during our early years, the pain I see in her eye’s when we’re “united” prevents me from finishing. Please don’t give medical advice (unless you PM me) as it’s against forum rules, although doctors have been seen by both of us. We’ve read Christopher West and Gregory Popcak and there is very little information for those with our problem. We’d appreciate posts form some that have been there.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

???

She has to “start early, without me?” What does that mean? She does something to herself? If so, that’s sinful and doesn’t help your ultimate unity in the act.

There is no “out” for the requirements of unity and openness to life, as we age. It would be nice if we were all in sync, but it seems to work out differently for some of us.

As for finishing, unless your intent is not to finish, I don’t think it’s sinful. You can only do what you can do, physically.

 

[shipwrkd]

???

She has to “start early, without me?” What does that mean? She does something to herself? If so, that’s sinful and doesn’t help your ultimate unity in the act.

There is no “out” for the requirements of unity and openness to life, as we age. It would be nice if we were all in sync, but it seems to work out differently for some of us.

As for finishing, unless your intent is not to finish, I don’t think it’s sinful. You can only do what you can do, physically.

So any personal touching or even fantasizing that’s done needs my presence? I’m not talking masturbation here. BTW, an opinion is appreciated but where is it written by the Church? I know PJII said that it’s a husbands duty to attempt to bring his wife to climax after he’s done. I really miss that Pope

 

[TheRealJuliane]

So any personal touching or even fantasizing that’s done needs my presence? I’m not talking masturbation here. BTW, an opinion is appreciated but where is it written by the Church? I know PJII said that it’s a husbands duty to attempt to bring his wife to climax after he’s done. I really miss that Pope

Um, I think you are playing word games. “Personal touching” not done in your presence IS masturbation. Self-arousal IS masturbation. Fantasizing is removing oneself from the present act in order to mentally have some other experience.

All of this is in the CCC. I can’t quote the chapter at the moment, but it’s in there.

I am sorry things are problematic for you. I know it’s not easy but please don’t think you can just do whatever you want at this stage in life.

 

[monicatholic]

If i remember correctly, jpII’, in his “Love and Responsibility” recommends the husband help the wife achieve climax first.

No matter the particulars of what he recommends though, you’re responsible to help your wife avoid sexual sin by being a generous, patient, wooing partner, if that is specifically what she needs.

 

[Rejoice_Always]

I have no answer, and I feel that the answers you receive here will be lifeless and ridiculous and as dry as a textbook on the mechanics of cardboard boxes.

BUT I’d like to express my admiration that you two have kept the fires burning! :extrahappy:

 

[IrishRush]

for her to “have any fun” she has to start early, without me. Is this sinful if we finish with tab A in slot B?

I can understand the starting early part, but why without you? Why don’t you start her early? Put your own wants and needs aside, and YOU do the “early” part. The question of sin will be removed and the occasion of pleasure can be prolonged for both of you.
God bless you both and keep your love for each other strong.

 

[bmaj]

I can understand the starting early part, but why without you? Why don’t you start her early? Put your own wants and needs aside, and YOU do the “early” part. The question of sin will be removed and the occasion of pleasure can be prolonged for both of you.
God bless you both and keep your love for each other strong.

Excellent suggestion, IrishRush. I think the possible sinful problem comes in if this is done otherwise, either of you without the other present.

Things will get better real soon hopefully if your wife has checked with her doctor and is able to start using the cream suggested in the other thread (and if you both use the other important suggestions in that thread of daily complements, thank-you’s, back rubs, snuggling, hugging, holding hands, walks together, soft music, etc.), but it will likely take a few weeks minimum before the effect of the cream itself begins. Then after that it should just get better and better as the weeks progress (but everyone is different, so it could be a bit quicker or a bit longer). Patience and loving concern for each other will pay off with terrific dividends!

The continued commitment of your beautiful long marriage together is such a great building block for future days of renewed closeness and intimacy. God bless you both always!

 

[catharina]

I have no answer, and **I feel that the answers you receive here will be lifeless and ridiculous and as dry as a textbook on the mechanics of cardboard boxes. **

BUT I’d like to express my admiration that you two have kept the fires burning! :extrahappy:

Yet — the answers (posts) given already are NOT any of that.
Your post seems to be a bit of a downer - but only yours.

What’s up with that?
Yoo-hoo? It’s SUNDAY.
Up with HOPE,
the virtue of HOPE.

 

[shipwrkd]

I can understand the starting early part, but why without you? Why don’t you start her early? Put your own wants and needs aside, and YOU do the “early” part. The question of sin will be removed and the occasion of pleasure can be prolonged for both of you.
God bless you both and keep your love for each other strong.

Perhaps I should clarify “starting early”. Usually a glass of wine follower by a warm candle lit bath. We have a small tub and bathroom so I’m generally not present but knowing her Faith I can tell you that it’s no more than a sensual bath and perhaps an application of some body oil.

If i remember correctly, jpII’, in his “Love and Responsibility” recommends the husband help the wife achieve climax first

.
You may be right but if it happens in this order, I’m under even more pressure to finish. Twenty years ago that would be no problem but when Yogi Berra said: “half this game is 90% mental” I’m not so sure he was talking baseball.
I’m not looking for “outs” or loopholes, just trying to maintain a loving marriage at a very fragile time in both our lives.

Um, I think you are playing word games. “Personal touching” not done in your presence IS masturbation. Self-arousal IS masturbation. Fantasizing is removing oneself from the present act in order to mentally have some other experience.

I respectfully disagree about any personal touching or self arousal being masturbation and her and I fantasizing about each other started in front of a Priest the day we married and I pray to God that it doesn’t stop till the day we’re both dead. Perhaps fantasizing is not the correct word, but it’ the best I could come up with at the time.

I have no answer, and I feel that the answers you receive here will be lifeless and ridiculous and as dry as a textbook on the mechanics of cardboard boxes.

BUT I’d like to express my admiration that you two have kept the fires burning!

TY, I,m a big boy and can pick through the lifeless textbook answers because I believe that Marriage the way God intended is anything but lifeless. It’s exciting and beautiful and in front of God, we vowed to keep it that way

Not sure of age, marital status or if any of the posters are post menopausal. I had hoped for advice not based on opinion from some that have lived through it

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I am both married and postmenopausal, and believe me, I know the problems.

 

[Rejoice_Always]

TY, I,m a big boy and can pick through the lifeless textbook answers because I believe that Marriage the way God intended is anything but lifeless. It’s exciting and beautiful and in front of God, we vowed to keep it that way

Excellent!

 

[Rejoice_Always]

Yet — the answers (posts) given already are NOT any of that.
Your post seems to be a bit of a downer - but only yours.

What’s up with that?
Yoo-hoo? It’s SUNDAY.
Up with HOPE,
the virtue of HOPE.

Thanks for your insight! It isn’t too often that you find such an approach at CAF. I will prayerfully consider your advice in light of this thread.