Sex Question

[Windmill]

To the OP’s point, twice a week is above average for the average married person. I’d back off for now and try to love her in non-sexual ways as noted above.

Women find men attractive when they show their love on multiple fronts, not just in the marital act. Women want to feel like you love them for who they are, and that you make sacrifices for them, and emotionally bond with them. Meet her on her level and expect nothing in return. From her point of view, that may be exactly what she is feeling she is expected to do for you right now: meet you on your level and expect nothing (emotional, etc…) in return. I know it is not 100% true, but women (and men) can oftentimes get overwhelmed and feel sorry for themselves and over exaggerate their predicament (which is what you may be doing right now I am the same way, and I find that, as a guy, it is important to understand that women are different.

 

[Mike30]

:bigyikes:I have seen this particular sub forum go to being a forum where anything and everything gets dumped into it, most of which has absolutely zero to do with traditional Catholicism, the Extraordinary Form of the Mass and traditional Catholic practices, spirituality and devotions. This thread is a perfect example. :banghead: Even if it is serious, which I strongly doubt, it has no reason to be be here in this forum. None whatsoever.

I am starting to think that a huge number of these irrelevant posts are purposely put on this forum just to cause dissension and controversy. There really is no other explanation.

Moderators, please, get this forum back on track. Please.

 

[johnnyjones]

The rhythm method has been good to you. Your drive is normal, and so is your wifes. Some women just play it down.

 

[TimothyH]

:bigyikes:I have seen this particular sub forum go to being a forum where anything and everything gets dumped into it, most of which has absolutely zero to do with traditional Catholicism, the Extraordinary Form of the Mass and traditional Catholic practices, spirituality and devotions. This thread is a perfect example. :banghead: Even if it is serious, which I strongly doubt, it has no reason to be be here in this forum. None whatsoever.

I am starting to think that a huge number of these irrelevant posts are purposely put on this forum just to cause dissension and controversy. There really is no other explanation.

Moderators, please, get this forum back on track. Please.

Because arguing about communion on the tounge is so much more fun!



-Tim-

 

[charlenetribble]

This is sort of a poll. If you went to this question, just because you saw it was about sex, please just write a comment.
agree with

 

[Sillara]

My husband and I have six children, the youngest being two years old.

No, I don’t think they all have to be sleeping. We make love whenever possible, and that is AT LEAST every other day, usually more often than that.

But sex is a priority for me as well as for my husband. Sometimes when people write things like “But you shouldn’t want to have sex with your wife, or least not that often” it frustrates me. As a wife, as one who has chronic insomnia and many small children, I understand the feeling of exhaustion. But for me, that thought of “I wish my darling husband would just do some laundry/dishes/other random chore” before I feel sufficiently fond of him to be willing to have sex is just … not something I think.

 

[alphawoman]

I have two questions for the OP:

1. What does a typical day for your wife look like?

Ask her to describe it in detail to you. Heck, even better would be to shadow her for a day. Raising children properly requires inordinate effort. I only have one, but he fills my day! Understanding the cadence of her life will give you a sense of how you can be of service to her.

Does she have time to pray quietly? Exercise? Pursue an outside interest? Continue her education? See friends without distractions? Dry her hair? You might laugh, but if she isn’t able to enjoy at least a few hours every week completely uninterrupted to just focus on herself, she is going to burn out.

Where frequency declines, there is often an underlying issue–be it illness, exhaustion, lack of interest in more children, lack of rapport with spouse…etc. Talking to your wife–in a supportive “honey, what do you need to be happy” tone–is your best course of action.

1. Are you sure this isn’t just concupiscence taking?

I’ve had times in my life where frequency was hitting the upper range of St.Thomas’ bracket routinely. I’ve had times where long fallows occurred. Frankly, sex clouds judgment.

Sure, sex can feel wonderful. It’s a gift from God. However, what I’ve learned is that its true value lies in the heavey value it points to-- Christ-like love for others. The genital tingling is just a temporal bonus that induces us to reach for God.

Ask yourself why you want so much sex. Would more sessions enhance your Cstholicove with your wife? A fast–with your wife’s blessing–might do you some good to clear your head. You might be surprised to find that what you think is a chatitable attitude toward sex has been distorted by disordered love of a mere physical feeling. I certainly was in my case. Adopting NFP, for me, served a helpful purpose in re-establishing the purpose of sex and renewing a more Christ-like love for my husband. Instituting regular sexual fasts, like any fasts, teaches us to pull our minds out of this world and elevate our actions so that they are oriented to the eternal.

Make sure you and your wife are “loving” for loving reasons!

Alpha.

 

[alphawoman]

Excuse the typos. I’m on an iPhone, and scrolling back through long posts is a ridiculous process.

 

[hurting]

My husband and I have six children, the youngest being two years old.

No, I don’t think they all have to be sleeping. We make love whenever possible, and that is AT LEAST every other day, usually more often than that.

But sex is a priority for me as well as for my husband. Sometimes when people write things like “But you shouldn’t want to have sex with your wife, or least not that often” it frustrates me. As a wife, as one who has chronic insomnia and many small children, I understand the feeling of exhaustion. But for me, that thought of “I wish my darling husband would just do some laundry/dishes/other random chore” before I feel sufficiently fond of him to be willing to have sex is just … not something I think.

If more women thought this way, there’d be far more happy husbands and even more happy wives. There is simply no better way for a wife to tell her husband that she loves him than this openness. Ladies, nothing makes your husband want to walk into a burning building wearing a gasoline suit for you than this. Conversely, nothing crushes him nearly as much as your rejection.

 

[mini_me640]

I agree with others that there is no “normal” because every couple is different.

That said, 1-2 times a week is as often (or more often) than most of my friends with much smaller families than yours. It’s about where my husband and I fall and we only have 2 kids. Even before we had children, it was at most 3-4 times a week.

 

[Dakota_Roberts]

My wife and I have 7 children and are expecting our 8th next march. My question is in regards to frequency of intercourse. What is considered “normal”? I seem to have a much higher drive than my wife. At what point should I back off?

I try not to be overbearing, but sometimes I feel like I am given the cold shoulder. St. Thomas seems to indicate 3-4 times a day is the limit (I wish). It is more like once, maybe twice a week. I would prefer every day, but that seems to annoy her, which I really don’t understand.

When we were first married, in my mind she seemed a LOT more attracted to me physically. I think she still is, she is just not overt like she used to be.

I am wondering what the “norm” is for other families with larger numbers of kids? She seems to think they ALL must be sleeping, etc. before she wants to do anything. I am more of the mind to lock the older kids outside and tell them get some excercise and put the littles down for naps.

Hopefully this is not too offensive, etc. I am just curious and it is not quite so easy to just bring a question like this up in Church group. Some of my guy friends will tell me, but they are very few and don’t have any kids yet.

Thanks.

Stress reduces female libido and I think with an eighth one on the way there is lots of stress. If you help out more around the house she will likely appreciate it because you’re trying, it will mean she has more energy and it will reduce the amount of stress.

 

[Abbett999]

Doing more chores definitely does not lead to more in the bedroom… If anything I truly feel that doing “womanly” duties makes your wife LESS attracted to you… Women are attracted to masculinity and masculine men, so if you want to do something to impress her, fix something, do manly things, make sure all your “masculine” responsibilities are done. Things needing fixing, things she can’t do herself, those are your priority if you want to attract your wife and sexually excite her.

That said, I think women need to take care of their mens needs one way or the other, if they expect their man to be happy. We’re never going to match 100% our needs to theirs. However, the amount of work necessary on their part is minimal. There’s lots that a wife can do to make her guy happy if she’s not in the mood. I just don’t understand the attitude that husbands are supposed to go DAYS of feeling frustrated and unsatisfied so a wife doesn’t have to put forth a 10-20 minute effort.

 

[mt_gooseberry]

Doing more chores definitely does not lead to more in the bedroom… If anything I truly feel that doing “womanly” duties makes your wife LESS attracted to you… Women are attracted to masculinity and masculine men, so if you want to do something to impress her, fix something, do manly things, make sure all your “masculine” responsibilities are done. Things needing fixing, things she can’t do herself, those are your priority if you want to attract your wife and sexually excite her.

That said, I think women need to take care of their mens needs one way or the other, if they expect their man to be happy. We’re never going to match 100% our needs to theirs. However, the amount of work necessary on their part is minimal. There’s lots that a wife can do to make her guy happy if she’s not in the mood. I just don’t understand the attitude that husbands are supposed to go DAYS of feeling frustrated and unsatisfied so a wife doesn’t have to put forth a 10-20 minute effort.

It’s comments like this that make me wish I could set up cameras in my house so my DH could see how much work it actually takes to make him happy. I bust my *** for someone like you and he never bothers to think about doing something to make me happy.

Back to the OP:

I’m one of those women who love sex. If it weren’t for the exhaustion that comes with caring for children, grocery shopping, running errands, cooking meals from scratch, having been up in the night with the baby, etc., and my nursing hormones affecting my body’s response time, and my DH’s not taking the time to bother getting me “ready” or bothering to try to make it good for me, or for the NFP days we have to abstain, I’d do it several times a day!

 

[Dakota_Roberts]

Doing more chores definitely does not lead to more in the bedroom… If anything I truly feel that doing “womanly” duties makes your wife LESS attracted to you… Women are attracted to masculinity and masculine men, so if you want to do something to impress her, fix something, do manly things, make sure all your “masculine” responsibilities are done. Things needing fixing, things she can’t do herself, those are your priority if you want to attract your wife and sexually excite her.

That said, I think women need to take care of their mens needs one way or the other, if they expect their man to be happy. We’re never going to match 100% our needs to theirs. However, the amount of work necessary on their part is minimal. There’s lots that a wife can do to make her guy happy if she’s not in the mood. I just don’t understand the attitude that husbands are supposed to go DAYS of feeling frustrated and unsatisfied so a wife doesn’t have to put forth a 10-20 minute effort.

Look, this isn’t the 1950’s anymore, being a housewife is hard, doing the work of a housewife while doing a full time job is insane. A husband who actually helps out is generally viewed very positively. Just how much does it impinge on masculinity to cook dinner on the grill a couple times a week or take the kids to the park and play frisbee or something with them so your wife can have some peace and quiet for a couple hours? How about cooking streaky bacon, sausage and eggs on the stove on Saturday morning so she can relax a little? Does doing the dishes after dinner really impinge on your masculinity?

10-20 minute effort? I think it’s horrible that a husband would demand sex and wouldn’t try to make sex very enjoyable for the wife too, where is the unity there?

 

[twoangels]

My wife and I have 7 children and are expecting our 8th next march. My question is in regards to frequency of intercourse. What is considered “normal”? I seem to have a much higher drive than my wife. At what point should I back off?

I would avoid nagging her for sex at all. That’s just annoying. It makes it seem like its all about the sex and not about the two of you coming together as a couple.

St. Thomas seems to indicate 3-4 times a day is the limit (I wish).

He does?

It is more like once, maybe twice a week. I would prefer every day, but that seems to annoy her, which I really don’t understand.

Women’s sexual drives are divided between psychological states and physical states. A woman can be physically aroused while being psychologically turned off. Men do not have this division. If they’re physically aroused, they’re most typically psychologically aroused.

Thus what you need to focus on is not just how you touch her, but how to engage in psychological foreplay. This means recognizing the effects of stress on her sexual urge. You need to see acts of love and romance as a part of her sexual urge. If you start thinking about the amount of work it takes to stir your wive’s psychological urges, you’ll come to recognize that you don’t have an energy to do this on a daily basis. You’ll burn yourself out.

Women, at the same time, do need to come to understand the psychological componant to their urge. Its easy to just wait for the winds of passion to hit you randomly than to work with your sexual urge to not only go through the motions of having sex, but to experience it as a mutually loving and self donative act even when you didn’t start out “in the mood.”

The point is, your sex life should be a priority for both of you. It should not turn into “I need sex so give me sex.” She’ll feel drained and used this way. It should rather be recognized that sexuality penetrates all aspects of your relationship. You are being sexual when you hold hands, when you give an affectionate kiss, when you write little love notes. Sexual doesn’t have to be erotic. If you let your sexuality be a part of your daily expression of love, you can then build up for those special dates where you come together in intercourse.

Personally I think daily is a lot. Maybe a couple days in a row, but if you see it as your priority to psychologically seduce her before you physically seduce her, its a lot of work. You’d burn yourself out if you helped her out that much with reducing her stress to that degree on a daily basis. Pace yourself. Have special days where you build up for the bedroom. It doesn’t mean those days are the only days you’ll have sex. In fact, it can be good to not have some of those days lead all the way to intercourse. Its nice sometimes just to give each other back rubs with an openness to sex without the psychological performance pressure.

In the meantime though, your wife does have an obligation to learn her own psychological cues so that she can practice chastity not just in self denial, but in self mastery. She needs to know how to psychologically build herself up too so that she can go from not in the mood at all to smooth sailing toward an enjoyable loving intimate experience. She’ll need your help to do this, and nagging will work against this, but she should see it as a priority.

She seems to think they ALL must be sleeping, etc. before she wants to do anything. I am more of the mind to lock the older kids outside and tell them get some excercise and put the littles down for naps.

She may not be psychologically comfortable with locking kids out of the house. If her mind is going to be perpetually worrying about the kids or she’s embarrassed about her kids figuring out what being locked outside means, she can’t mentally get there.

Again, avoid nagging. Make it a priority, talk about it, and recognize her psycho-sexual componants.

I wrote about the psychological componant of sexuality here: embersofincense.wordpress.com/2012/08/11/men-modesty-monkeys/
The modesty doesn’t really pertain, but I do think it offers some insight related

 

[twoangels]

Doing more chores definitely does not lead to more in the bedroom… If anything I truly feel that doing “womanly” duties makes your wife LESS attracted to you… Women are attracted to masculinity and masculine men, so if you want to do something to impress her, fix something, do manly things, make sure all your “masculine” responsibilities are done. Things needing fixing, things she can’t do herself, those are your priority if you want to attract your wife and sexually excite her.

And you know this from experience or wishful thinking?

That said, I think women need to take care of their mens needs one way or the other, if they expect their man to be happy. We’re never going to match 100% our needs to theirs. However, the amount of work necessary on their part is minimal. There’s lots that a wife can do to make her guy happy if she’s not in the mood. I just don’t understand the attitude that husbands are supposed to go DAYS of feeling frustrated and unsatisfied so a wife doesn’t have to put forth a 10-20 minute effort.

Ahh, obviously wishful thinking.

 

[alphawoman]

Doing more chores definitely does not lead to more in the bedroom… If anything I truly feel that doing “womanly” duties makes your wife LESS attracted to you… Women are attracted to masculinity and masculine men, so if you want to do something to impress her, fix something, do manly things, make sure all your “masculine” responsibilities are done. Things needing fixing, things she can’t do herself, those are your priority if you want to attract your wife and sexually excite her.

That said, I think women need to take care of their mens needs one way or the other, if they expect their man to be happy. We’re never going to match 100% our needs to theirs. However, the amount of work necessary on their part is minimal. There’s lots that a wife can do to make her guy happy if she’s not in the mood. I just don’t understand the attitude that husbands are supposed to go DAYS of feeling frustrated and unsatisfied so a wife doesn’t have to put forth a 10-20 minute effort.

Wow, just wow. Pray tell, what pose should the sow (oops…I mean wife!) assume when mounted?

Please, go thump your chest somewhere else. A wife is a person deserving respect and love. She’s not an inanimate premature ejaculate receptacle.

 

[codefro]

My wife and I have 7 children and are expecting our 8th next march. My question is in regards to frequency of intercourse. What is considered “normal”? I seem to have a much higher drive than my wife. At what point should I back off?

I try not to be overbearing, but sometimes I feel like I am given the cold shoulder. St. Thomas seems to indicate 3-4 times a day is the limit (I wish). It is more like once, maybe twice a week. I would prefer every day, but that seems to annoy her, which I really don’t understand.

When we were first married, in my mind she seemed a LOT more attracted to me physically. I think she still is, she is just not overt like she used to be.

I am wondering what the “norm” is for other families with larger numbers of kids? She seems to think they ALL must be sleeping, etc. before she wants to do anything. I am more of the mind to lock the older kids outside and tell them get some excercise and put the littles down for naps.

Hopefully this is not too offensive, etc. I am just curious and it is not quite so easy to just bring a question like this up in Church group. Some of my guy friends will tell me, but they are very few and don’t have any kids yet.

Thanks.

IMHO you’re lucky to get 2-3 times a week

 

[system]

Hello I think I will post this in the wrong area.

Help please

Do you loose your virginity if you suck somebody else’s penis.

I’m catholic and I feel I got tempted by the devil to do that. Intercourse nearly happened but he couldn’t keep his erection. Does all of this count as sex? Also I understand the sex before marriage. Thing and in that I think I sinned. I don’t know what happened really

Please help